I love the summer
But I have to say
I hate barbecue season
The loud conversations
The drunken laughter
And the smell of cooking,
Sausages and burgers
Floating through the window
The loud and cheesy
Dance/pop music
Assaulting my senses
As I sit here alone
With a single bottle
Of fortified wine
As the loud, drunken
Fools with their
Loud, manly laughter
Have countless crates and bottles
Ready to be consumed
Yes, I sit here alone
Always the outsider
Scribbling my lines
To console myself
With the idea of  " art "
As if it is important
Not to be
Part of the crowd,
When the truth is
I was never invited
Anyway

I've noticed as I grow older
And at 45 I am ******* old
I seem to be getting more resilient
Mentally, I bend
Where I used to crack
Things that 15 years ago
Would have destroyed me
Now I flick them off
Like an errant insect
That hassles me whilst I'm
Having a ****.
The more pain that you go through
You must gain a tolerance.
Now I laugh
When I used to cry
Now I just shrug
Where I used to ask why
It's just the way of the world
I tell myself.
Life is pain
Get over it or die
Suicide now seems
Like a bad joke
They have taken all that they can
What's left now is mine
Is happiness the right
Word for it ?
Or just nothing left to lose ?

Whatever,
I'm feeling better than
In a long time
If this is becoming
Middle aged
Then it's pretty
******* good

Am I getting washed up on the rocks
Heading into stormy waters
The white-tipped waves are giving me a shock
I should slow down, I know I ought to

Sailing too fast into the wind
With adrenaline I'm wired
My heart is racing, my eyes are pinned
My brain is getting tired

It's getting too much every day
Sailing upon the high seas
It's costing more than I can afford to pay
It's all getting too much for me

Am I getting washed up on the rocks
Heading into stormy waters
The white-tipped waves are giving me a shock
I should slow down, I know I ought to

Time crawls so slowly tonight
A Friday evening in the setting sun
Even at this time of my life
Surely I should be somewhere having fun
Not necessarily a drunken, drugged binge
Just socialising with my peers
My timidity makes me cringe
I sit here alone, except for my fears
45 years old and I've got nothing left
Just a long, slow, sad decline
Battling boredom whilst awaiting death
My life a burnt out relic of what once was  mine
I watch the clock's hands slowly turn
Waiting until it's time to sleep
A life-long loser, what have I learned ?
Nothing, and makes me want to weep

OK, so I guess that I'm a poet
I'm told that it gives me responsibilities
I don't even want to know it
The only person I write with in mind is me
People should just look out for themselves
No! That makes me sound like a Tory
I'm a Socialist, that's important to me

But, art is different, it's not life
I could never write for someone else
I've only got time for my own struggles and strife
If you want to, pick someone​ else off the shelf

What was I supposed to say ?
What was I supposed to do ?
I just went out for a walk today
And then I bumped into you

At first I didn't recognise
Behind the clothes, and that hair-do
But when I saw those deep brown eyes
I suddenly realised it​ was you

We awkwardly talked of this and that
The dogs that we both were walking
Not even " How are you ", no normal chat
We really didn't want to be talking

There's too much that's happened, much too much
For us to try to just pass the time
I found it hard to look at, never mind touch
What I used to be  proud to call mine

Don't talk to me about democracy
How we can control our lives
It's nothing but hypocrisy
There's no control in sight

No matter who we hate, or who we back​
We will never have any real say
A million people marched against invading Iraq
Yet for years they were bombed night and day

Remember the W.M.D. s
Their reason for more death ?
Who knows what it will be
What reason will be next ?

Now it's Syria, where the innocent die
Well, I for one, never voted for that
Who knows where, knows why
Their lies will next be presented as fact

I have started to wake in the middle of the night,
Not knowing the time, in the dark I can't see.
I lie there in the gathering half-light
Reviewing my life and it's inadequacies

Torturing myself, tying my mind up in knots,
Thinking of the problems I've caused for myself.
Agonising over each, and there have been lots
Exercising my poor mental health

As the light grows at the edge of the curtains
And outside in the world, the day it starts
I finish my examinations​, and I am certain
That in every failure, I played the main part

As I hear the neighbour's cars take them away
To work. My mind with nothing learned
Forgets it all for the rest of the day
As my tiredness suddenly returns

The day it passes, my mind is okay
No problems at all, everything is alright
I get ready for bed at the end of the day
Then wake up again in the dead of the night.

I miss my grandparents, they lived life their way
They wouldn't even understand life today
They would never accept benefits
Even if they were owed it
They were strong and stoic, they lived through Hell
And came out the other side doing well
The great depression, two World Wars
They lived through it, they lived through more
My grandfather was a wild one in his youth
I loved him for it, and that's the truth
The best people I've ever known
I hope that they are in Heaven, on their thrones
There's no poverty​, no rationing there
No depression in Heaven, they haven't​ a care
Enjoying each other, now the hard times are done
Dancing together, and having​ fun
Yes, I miss my grandparents and their way
They just wouldn't understand life today
They were too level-headed for the way things are now​
They would think that the World had gone crazy somehow
No, I'm not sure, but I think they would be right
They would not understand it, so let them sleep tight

My wife's mother has just passed away
I don't know what I'm supposed to say
I understand that she's feeling sad
But everything I say just drives her mad

Treading on eggshells, trying to empathise
The more I say, the more I realise
That I just don't have a clue
I've got no idea what to do

I have no idea what to say
To try to take her pain away
It's like stumbling blindfold through a minefield
The explosions coming from what she feels

I'm trying my best to be a good man
Simply doing the best I can
For I know the time will surely come
That she'll help me when it is my mum

My wife's 50th Birthday
We're drinking cocktails
Vermouth, Bols blue
Amaretto and lemonade.
There is a name​ for it, but
I don't know what it is
And I really  don't care

So we're drinking
Smoking cigarettes
And wondering about time.
Wow! I can't believe that
Karen is fifty, and how is it
That I can be forty - five.

It's so ******* weird
Growing older, I don't really
Feel any different from when
I was 25
A little more tired, a little more
Cynical
But basically still me
Effectively still a child

I always just assumed
That once you hit 35
You'd feel automatically
Grown Up, and know
How to survive
Not only that but
How to thrive
A professional career
And a beautiful wife

Just like the lives you see on T.V.
I expected someone to do that for me
My own stupid naivety

But no, I've got to take​ control
Of my own stupid life
I don't​ know if I can do it
I think it sounds​ difficult
Too much to take at one time.

Just a few hours ago, I felt so good to see sun instead of rain
Now the wet, grey skies bring melancholia back again
This winter has felt eternal, blizzards from Siberia
Is it any wonder that the sun brings on hysteria ?
We are not a nocturnal species, we need to see sunlight
We need at least occasionally it's glow to feel alright
If there was a sunshine drug, I'm sure that I'd be hooked
I am ginger I do not tan. It's not about how I look
It just feels so good to feel that warm, orange glow
With being British it's not something that I have had much time to know
I'm cold turkeying for sunshine, I'm rattling like ****
I wish my celestial dealer would sort it out, so I can get a hit

Everyday I wake up, full of dread
Of the battlefield that's in my head
The drugs don't work, they just make it worse
Is such a truthful piece of verse
At least that's the way it's been for me
Dragged me further down than I've ever been
I was always against suicide
Until these Prozac got inside
This now broken thing that was my mind
I think it's time I put those pills behind
Me, now I know I have had enough
Life is getting far too rough
I've never been this scared before
I was in control, or so I thought
Now I know I know what's best
Now I know I need to take a rest

Sometimes I think it's  best to  be alone
Other people just bring you down
When their intelligence doesn't match my own
But what's the point in being the leader of a one man town ?

Anger and frustration, if it was just my nation
At least things would be done right
But even in my mathematical equation
I would be alone tonight

And if I am so clever, how come I am alone ?
The drink and drugs are an illusion
My thoughts turn themselves into stone
And become an endless confusion

What can I say? What can I do ?
Don't ask me I just don't know I'm all alone just an old fool
Who has nowhere to go

All I have is my poetry
To keep me​ warm tonight
At least it's something that I believe
And in which I know I am right

Let's celebrate the 25th
Try to forget all of the filth
That surrounds this time of year
And all of the things that we hold dear

All of the ads we see on T.V.
And all the perfect families
They always have enough money
And have no difficulties

They have no depression or anxiety
No worries at all, life is so easy
All of those perfect white-tooth dreams
Where life is not how it seems

But we have to face reality
Where life isn't so easy
Poverty and mental distress
Are as familiar to us as our address

So what can we do but try to see
How happy  we are supposed to be
Life is hard,. no one said it would be easy
But why is it quite so hard, is the question that bothers me

I see the white bone shining
The cold, lipless grin
Ghostly sparkling in
The empty sockets
Where the eyes should have been

My bowels turn to water
My whole body shakes
A deep, bone - scraping sound
That is supposed to be a voice
Scratches out a painful sound
I think it is my name
I know it is my name

I try my best to ignore it
It takes all of my strength
But I find that I am powerless
I think it is my name
I know it is my name

That the skeleton skull
Repeats, repeats, repeats again
I have got to pay a price
For my dissolute past
And I bow my head in shame

I feel that I have to say something
And say it clearly
Because it is so
Easy to forget
In these busy
And stressful times

And we all see​
The distressing
Adverts on T.V.
About
Starving children
Covered in flies
Who will die today
If they don't receive
Some help
Any help at all
The swollen bellies
The crying eyes
Covered with diseased​ flies
And their crying
Families that watch
Them for the
Slightest chance
That
Someone
Somewhere
Will
Care......
And  we ask
Ourselves
How has it
Come to this ?



Yet you keep voting Republican or Conservative
And​ the wheat and barley and butter mountains
Grow higher
And higher
Until they're pushed
Into the fire
Because your policy is
To throw it all away
If it doesn't make
A profit in some way

You would rather see
These strangers die
After all, they're not
Like you and I

Capitalism does not allow
People to make gifts anyhow
Everyone must pay their way
Even if they have nothing with which to pay
I don't believe in
GodBut I pray
  Global Revolution
Will come about someday

Aft all is that not what the Bible says
The rich will perish, the poor will take their place
I know I will not be around to see
But I will rest in my grave happy

Just for today
I have to admit
That I am scared
******* scared
Perhaps I am being
Paranoid
But
But...
Trump in the White House
Trouble as ever
In the middle East
England as poverty stricken
As I have ever seen it
And after the early 90's
I didn't think I would
See it worse
But now it is much
Much, much worse

As I say
Perhaps it's me
As people get older
They begin to think
Automatically
That the world
Is going downhill
Looking back through
Rose coloured glasses
At their perfect past

I hope that this is
What this is
I really hope
That is what this is

But 10 years ago I had
Never seen
Food banks before
Not in my time anyway
I'd seen pictures of them
Back in the '30's
The times​ of the
Hunger Marches
But I never thought
I would've had to use them
Myself, relying on the
Charity of strangers,
When the Government
Has become too vicious
To feed the people who
Pay their wages

And yet, progress
Rolls on and on
The gap between
Rich and poor
Grows wider and wider

Before too long
They will just
**** the poor
And make
Uncomplaining robots
Too cater to the rich
People's every whim

Unless they don't have to
Unless they don't have to.....

Drinking again
At 12 'O' Clock
The hangover too much to bear
And it's like a bear
Clawing at my skull
Crunching my nerve ends
So to the shop I go
Two hours later
Feeling better
Smoking a cigarette
That doesn't make me gag
Actually enjoying every drag
As the martini goes down
Of course
Sooner or later
It will all catch up with me
And the sickness will return
But until then
I am feeling fine
Feeling better
One drink
At a time

Hungover today
Last night had too much whiskey
Leave it for a bit

Walking in the cold, damp weather
Feeling 1/2 a bottle of whiskey better
Than I did an hour before
When it was already dark at Four

In these times, we need some help
To sometimes get out of ourselves
But I know only too well in an hour or two
The buzz will be gone, and here comes the blues

I love these visits from Gentleman Jack
But I hate it when he has to go back
Back to Kentucky, in the U.S.A.
Leaving me hungover and alone again

Under a large, round, yellow
Full November moon
The chill of the cold, dark night
Slips in through my window
It fights against the heating
To send a shuddering shiver down my spine

Under the full November moon
People spill out of noisy pubs
Leaving heat, light, music
A false, inebriated happiness
To stagger, swirling home
To warm beds of love
Or cold, empty houses
And late night T.V.

Under the full November moon
Teenager's breath leaves clouds in the air
Hanging heavy and mingling with smoke
From spliffs secretly held in cupped hands
Hanging around shops, parks
Even the disappearing phone boxes
Feeling the arrogance of youth
Course through their veins

Under the full November moon
The middle aged sit
In armchairs with tea mugs
T.V. droning as they dream of their youth
When they were slim and ****
Or hungry and virile
Before it all slipped so quickly away

Under the full November moon
Swingers swap flesh and fluids
In hotels and motels
With no more passion or emotion
Than passing the salt

Under the full November moon
Prostitutes haul their tired, aching bodies
From car to car for the price of a hit
The dealers  swagger, stoked full of *******​
With the power and arrogance of mediaeval lords

Under the full November moon
People sweat in police cells
Under grey, itchy blankets
On blue rubber mattresses
In a white - tiled nightmare

Under the full November moon
I think of them all
As I sir writing ideas
In a cheap, lined pad
Then turn off the lights
As the full November moon
Bids goodnight
To us all

I hate when it goes dark at half past four,
Even earlier if the weather's poor.
Whether it's S.A.D. or just natural depression
At how the seasons change in such quick succession.
As you get older and the years fly past
And time just doesn't seem to last
As soon as the year has begun
It seems we're waving goodbye to the sun
And another long, cold winter starts
To chill our bones and freeze our hearts
And the winters always seem to last
A lot longer than the summers fly past
I blame it all on growing old
This hatred of the dark and cold
As a kid, I loved the long, dark nights
Halloween, Bonfire night, then snowball fights
Now, none of them fit in with my desires
I prefer to sit and read by the warmth of the fire
Book in one hand, in the other a drink
I'll relax and hibernate until Spring

It's a curse that affects those of my generation
The constant search for new sensations
New drinks, powders, potions and pills
Feeling better and better until we fell ill

It's that old, old story of drugs and addiction
But I thought it was probably 50 % fiction
Peddled by the authorities to scare people straight
I thought I was clever enough to avoid my fate

But I'm not much smarter than any other smackhead
Just enough to avoid jail and not to be dead
The consequences are there for the rest of my days
I have to stay in control of my actions, my ways

It's there all the time and it won't disappear
But I got off lightly, at least I'm still here
I can't say that much for too many of my friends
I've still got a chance to say how my life ends

Corn dogs, burgers, American trash
Chrome, neon lights and huge panes of glass
But they taste amazing, so what can I say ?
American imperialism has once again got its way

Off - white walls full of leaflets and pamphlets​
The bolted - down hard wooden chairs
To get through the glass door we need a code and an escort
A Nurse to take us from here to there

On both sides of the glass professionals​ are working
This side you sense a struggle; where to score, where to rob
On the other side they're more confident, joking and flirting
Resigned to making the best of their job

Although none are present, drugs can be felt in air
Like after an all-night binge you can smell drink in a room
Our clothes old and scruffy, in the eyes a vacant stare
As we wait for prescriptions​ in the self-inflicted gloom

Every few minutes a name is called, someone rises
They return with a slip of blue paper that's worth a fortune
It's another week of no pain, no surprises
This place we may hate it, but we'll be back soon