I am petrified.
Locked in a closet.
A silent statue.
Immobile.
When I was little, I hated silence. I cannot recall why. But my mom told me she would sing me a lullaby until I fell asleep, put me in my crib and skitter out of the room without a sound. She would tiptoe to her room, slide under the blanket. On cue, I would cry.
I think, perhaps, silence was synonym of absence.
I was terrified she would forget about me.
I wish he would forget about me.
Walk away and never come back.
But I am trapped in a closet.
The key is in his hand.
I was hiding, but I was not the one who locked the door.
I was hiding while he was playing hide and seek.
The house it too small to hide for long.
He always finds me.
I am paralysed.
Locked in a closet.
A silent statue.
Shaking.
When I was little, I would not sleep unless my dad checked under the bed for any monsters. He would chase the nightmares away with a kiss and welcome my dreams with a smile. My dad was my dream keeper, and fulfilled his duties with rightfulness. When he was home.
My dad also was a synonym of absence.
I was frightened he would forget about me.
He would never forget about me.
He has a special power.
His eyes reminds me he does not forget.
About.
Me.
His voice reminds me he does not forget.
About.
Me.
His fists reminds me he does not forget.
About.
Me.
His smile reminds me he does not forget.
About.
Me.
His confident steps when he approaches reminds me he does not forget.
That I never move.
Away.
He can paralyse me with a simple look.
And then.
He.
Tosses me to the ground like a broken twig.
He is silence.
And I hate him.
He used to hide in the silence of my room, under my crib.
He used to laugh in the pauses of my breath.
His fingers would creep up the crib and peek through.
Grab and pinch and push and pull at my tender skin, my tender heart.
He is the monster my dad used to warn me about.
*He is silence and I want to scream
But
When I try to take a breath he suffocates me

You are hurting me
You left me drowning for weeks
We have been playing pretend for a while now but
You cannot hold my head underwater
And expect me to breathe
Like you are not suffocating me
In this lake of incomprehension.

Two months ago you grabbed my pinkie at that dance and didn't let go, even when the blood rushed out and it turned blue. We had known each other less than twelve hours. You oozed confidence, didn't know the steps and yet you went for it.
I thought ****, he is going to be my best friend.
We are going to eat pop corn and have water guns fight and build fires and laugh for hours

Somehow I was a stranger then and I am a stranger now
In a very different way, the dynamics changed
I cannot believe how easy for you it was

To wrap your hand around my easy heart

And choke me from the inside
And anger is building inside me like a volcano

Anger is seeping into my veins because I have been nothing but nice

Yet
You make me feel like I am a bother
I cannot believe how easy for you it was

To release me and slither away

As if I never mattered at all

As if I never existed at all
You told me I could be your friend
Only if you could be mine

You told me you would be there
Whenever I needed someone to talk to
***** data roaming


And it hurts because
Pretending I do not exist won't make me disappear
Ignoring the fact that I am alive
Doesn't mean I am dead.
I am very much alive
And I just don't understand
How I was your friend then
But I am nothing now
I have been choking on words for days
Wondering how I could talk to you
When we do not communicate anymore
Speaking out
Is always better than bottling feelings in
So I am speaking out in the only other way I know how
I do not expect anything
I just need to do this for my peace of mind
Because I cannot wonder forever
And stay silent
About the reason why you flushed
Our friendship down the drain.

You are hurting me
You left me drowning for weeks
We have been playing pretend for a while now but
You cannot hold my head underwater
And expect me to breathe
Like you are not suffocating me
In this lake of incomprehension.
I have wondered three hundred and forty eight times in the past two weeks
If we were all right
When you asked
"Is everything all right?"
I couldn't answer because I wonder
If it is.
Two months ago you grabbed my pinkie at that dance and didn't let go, even when the blood rushed out and it turned blue. We had known each other less than twelve hours. You oozed confidence, didn't know the steps and yet you went for it.
I thought ****, he is going to be my best friend.
We are going to eat pop corn and have water guns fight and build fires and laugh for hours
And if happiness were a glowstick
I would wear yours on my wrist and give you mine so we would shine for each other.
I never got around to getting my glowstick back.
You never got around to giving me yours.

If happiness is a glowstick I am a toxic liquid broken by inadvertence and hidden under your bed so you don't see the memories I painted in your head when I broke open.

Somehow
I was a stranger then
I am a stranger now
In a very different way
The dynamics changed
And I don't understand how
You went from floating around places
To supporting this invisible weight you carry around
I cannot believe how easy for you it was

To wrap your hand around my easy heart

And choke me from the inside
Leaving me with the words you said
That made me laugh once
But make me frown now

And anger is building inside me like a volcano
Anger is rising to the surface like burnt milk forgotten on a stove

Anger is seeping into my veins because I have been nothing but nice

Yet
You make me feel like I am a bother
A stain on your carpet you cannot wash out
A nail sticking out of the furniture, just a little
                                           Out of place

I cannot believe how easy for you it was

To release me and slither away

As if I never mattered at all

As if I never existed at all
You told me you were glad
I had taken a chance on you

You told me I could be your friend
Only if you could be mine

You told me you would be there
Whenever I needed someone to talk to
***** data roaming

You told me to shout really loudly

If I could not reach you another way

You told me the both of us

Made a pretty good team…

… Unless we were playing Monopoly
 

And
I cannot help but wonder
How often I saw you
And if I had stopped and said "hi"
Would it have changed anything at all
I always wonder
How close we were

How often we almost met

How many times we may have passed each other on the streets
I always wonder if I ever bumped into you
And brushed it off
Just like you're brushing me away
With a flick of the hand
A chip on your shoulder
And it hurts because
Pretending I do not exist won't make me disappear
Ignoring the fact that I am alive
Doesn't mean I am dead.
I am very much alive
And I just
Don't
Understand
How
I was your friend
Then
But
I am nothing
Now
I have been choking on words for days
Wondering how I could talk to you
When we do not communicate anymore
Speaking out
Is always better than bottling feelings in
So I am speaking out in the only other way I know how
When actual words fail to be spoken
I do not expect anything
I just need to do this for my peace of mind
Because I cannot wonder forever
And stay silent
About the reason why you flushed
Our friendship
D
O
W
N
The drain.

I did not cherish
Our conversations enough
Words tumbled out of you like a fountain
They rippled
They gurgled
They splashed
Out of you
I thought you were a fountain
Tall and loud
Confident in your fall
Everlasting
But who was I to know you were a pond
Insides clogging with Algae
But who was I to know she was a sun
She dried you out
From under you were dying
She didn't see
Or perhaps she didn't care
And I wish I had sipped every drop you gave me when I had the chance
Because now
I am
Just
So
Thirsty
I cannot drink water when I have tasted yours
I am addicted to your taste
Drinking you is like poetry
Sweet and aggressive
Soft and strong
Addictive
Like the conversations we had.

Loving you is like falling in a dream
Closing my eyes and

F
A
L
L
I
N
G

S…l…o…w…l…y
and then
Allatonce
Opening my eyes to
Bright colours
Unexpected scenes
All around me nothing makes sense
Alice in Wonderland
But…
My name is not Alice.
What is my name?
You.
You make me forget my own name.
How can I not hate you when I want to hear my name on your lips so badly
I am ready to live a life unknowing of my own denomination
Just to wait, watch as your lips move to form
My
Name.
And how can I not hate you when I cannot remember anything about me at all
You.
You call me Alice.
Tell me I'm one of a kind, live in a fantasy world.
I don't want this fantasy.
I want an earth shattering reality where you hold my hand and it is not a dream.
You make me drink the poison of my tears
And smile lopsidedly when I ask you why
You.
You never answer me.
Cryptic and vague, you smile and turn and fly around me.
You let me believe you are magic.

Loving you is like falling in a dream
I wonder if you will ever let me wake up
Snap out of your spell
Rub my eyes raw and realize
I am not Alice.
I am me.
And you cannot steal that away from me.

You only look
You never see
Right through me