Sometimes I question if this is all real,
because how can anything hurt so much?
How could I feel so numb too?

Maybe it's easier to believe it's real,
that there's a point to our suffering.
We constantly fear being insignificant in a infinite world,
but I believe we are much more powerful than we could ever know.

I wish that I told you I loved you,

I wish I told you how beautiful you were,
and how youre smile created whole new worlds,

I wish I told you that you saved my life,

I wish I could've saved yours,

I wish love were enough because you would've lived forever,

I am forever wishing for more time with you,
so I could call you mine,
press pause on life and never leave the bubble we created.

i remember the first time i injected it,
i swore my veins turned neon,
suddenly i was seeing ultraviolet,
my body melted into the earth,
the soil became my bones,
the whole world spun and glowed,
and i knew nothing would ever feel this good again,
and now when i inject it,
all i get is relief,
that i finally found something to stop my cold sweats,
my shaking hands,
my racing mind,
me.

the world just seems prettier with neon in my veins.

the world is easier to deal with when my veins are glowing.

I feel like you’re always behind me,
following me,
whispering down my neck,
crawling into my spine,
digging through my flesh.
How am I supposed to get rid of you,
when you’ve become part of me?

And when i saw you again,
my blood ran cold,
and I haven’t felt warmth since.

Reality has become kind of fragmented,
cracking and cutting my flesh,
leaving only darkness.
I don’t know how to get back,
I don’t even know if i want to

You said my pain was so poetic,
And I was cutting myself to the bone,
Squeezing the blood on the pages so you could hear me,
Nothing about my suffering is poetic,
Screaming into my sheets and trying to claw memories out of my chest,
Burning myself and forcing me to remember things I’d rather forget,
Breaking down crying and begging to be laid to rest,
You called me a beautiful tragedy,
But I believe you can only have beauty,
Or tragedy,
And I am the latter.

I have been writing for years,
and recently I’ve been reading all my old poems,
and all I’ve realised,
is that nothing has changed.
Nothing ever will.

I don't want to be me anymore,
But I don't want to be anything.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore

I don't think I can rebuild myself again
Not with tearing everything down,
And still the cracks will scream and shout
"I am still here"

I just want my skin to feel like mine again

thankyou for making me feel something
i just wish it was less painful

You make me feel like me,
You make me laugh,
You make me comfortable,
You make me safe,
You make me love,
and that is why you terrify me,
I thought this part of me was lost years ago.

Breathe,
Look at the sky,
Feel the dust settle,
Feel the wind between your fingerprints.
Life hurts,
But I'd never give up this earth,
When right now,
It is turning for me.

Dances in the kitchen at 3:43 AM,
Water fights in the garden,
Kisses in the sheets,
Holding hands in the streets,
Listening to each others heartbeat,
Till we fall sleep,
Baking competitions,
And awful song renditions,
Late night stargazing,
Singing in the raining.
Love has never felt so sweet.

you tell me to speak my,
whilst stitching my lips together,
and then ask why my screams are so muffled.

I never thought I'd live to see the day,
where I would smile a real smile,
and say I'm okay,
and mean it.
Yet here I am.

when I was younger,
i envisioned a future of makeup,
femininity, pretty dresses and falling in love.
drinking, partying and running through the fields of youth.

but here i am,
crawling into my sheets
crying all hours
and nothing about me is pretty,
i am not loved
i am not running through fields of youth,
im running from them
and they were always faster than me.

God! You look so beautiful.
I wish I was a painter,
so I could capture your beauty forever,
I tried to paint you in my mind,
mould your sculpture into my memory,
but you have become distorted,
bleeding,
screaming.
My dreams and nightmares fight over you,
my brain was always good at twisting things,
and now I don’t know what the reality is.

I tore you apart,
and you are still offering me the pieces,
I ripped off.

I swear love was never supposed to hurt like this

I just want to be with you,
just hold you,
kiss you,
bury my head in the crook of your neck,
rest my head on your chest,
and fall asleep to the beat of your heart,
feel the warmth of your skin.
I just want you
but I couldn’t be further away from you
and the distance kills me.

How cruel of my heart,
to fall for someone,
that is in love with another,
but to still love them,
as if they were mine to love.

I don't think there will be a day,
where I don't think about you.
But I hope one day,
it won't hurt so ******* much.

Oh what a privilege,
to have known you.
I will carry a piece of you,
in my heart forever.

I hope you know that,
you're the prettiest sight,
I have ever seen.

this disease has rotted my brain,
tore out my flesh,
paralysed my muscles.
it's made my body corpse
and i'm trapped in this coffin,
running out of oxygen,
waiting for my heart to stop beating,
but i think i've already died.

you keep looking at me like i'm someone else,
but i'll pretend its me you're looking at,
or that i'm the person you want me to be,
it hurts too much to shut my eyes.

i am trying to get you out of my skin
by pouring you into these pages
but now the ink is in my blood
and i'm poisoned forever.

i knew the moment you messaged me,
that my heart was on a noose,
and with every message you sent,
the closer i got to the edge.
i don't mind my lungs bleeding,
if they're bleeding for you.

i would give you the world,
but it is not mine to give,
and you don’t want it.

how could somebody's eyes,
hold so many seasons.

if i give you my heart,
please don’t squeeze too tight.
it’s still healing from the bruises,
the last one left behind.

here i am,
writing poems full of love,
for someone who’s not reading.

It's sadistic,
but it helps to know you hurt too.
My heart pleads to curl up in your arms,
cry until I can't breathe.

But instead I kiss you.
I need a relief from the maelstrom in my head,
a release of tension in my chest.

I expect you to push me off,
tell me to leave,
but you don't.
Your grip tightens.
I guess you never thought you'd have this again,
have me.

I want to claw at my chest,
give you my heart and show you,
that the scars have already formed your name.
It's yours now,
it always was and always will be.

I know its tattered and bruised,
weak and unused,
abused and confused,
but will you keep it with you?

I know in the morning I will see my marks on your neck,
and want to rip off your clothes and start all over again,
or worst kiss them better.
This was a mistake,
but I don't regret it one bit.

today I felt sad,
so today I took a pill,
and my sadness turned into a dull numbness,
and sometimes the pill makes me laugh,
and either way it protects me from my thoughts that haunt,
but now it’s wearing off,
and I’m sad,
so I will take another pill.

and the cycle is never ending.

Karma chased me,
ripped off my legs so I could no longer run from my mistakes.
Karma burnt me,
and now I scream in pain for all the pain I've caused.
Karma hurt me,
but I guess I deserved it.

it hurts too much to remember you as a person,
so now i remember you as all the words i wrote about you,
the words i wrote for you,
and now it feels your existence will be forever tattooed onto my body,
in pretty words and stanzas full of love,
when nothing about us was pretty,
and nothing about what we had was love.

It's hard to think about my future,
When I'm trapped in my past,
Screaming for some freedom,
But no-one can help me,
I am the one with the keys.

the idea of getting better scares me,
because i have lived with this pain for years,
who will i be without it?
is there a person even left saving?
or has the fire burnt me too much,
and now all is left is a corpse,
choking on the ashy embers left behind.

i dipped my wings in ink,
and painted the sky with my trauma,
now everything is dark and i wonder,
will i ever see the sun again.

you played me like a cello,
at first i thought the sweet symphonies were beautiful,
a melody just for us,
but then the bow cut deep into my spine,
and bled me dry
and you continued to play.
i still think of your music to this day.
my scars still are on display.
how come it still sounds beautiful to my ears?

i keep trying to scratch you out of my skin,
i still don’t know how you got in?
you forced your way through
and left me with a litany of wounds.
please get out.
i can’t find a way of killing you
without killing me too.

All love has an expiry date,
Maybe it's better you chucked it out before it rotted.

Did you mean to steal my heart?
My freedom?
My happiness?
Was the urge to much?
The need to watch me misjudge,
What I thought was love.

You stole everything I had
and ran.
I haven't seen you since.

I don't think I expected it to hurt this much,
but god does this hurt.
I hope you don't hurt too.

You whispered 'I love you' against my lips,
Your grip loosens on my hips,
And I can see you leaving,
And I'm left alone, lungs heaving,
Because I could never have enough of your touch,
The void you left is somehow too much,
I felt like I was flying with you,
And now I've crashed and I wish we never flew,
I'm not sure if I should thank you for the ride,
Or hate you because you ended it too soon.

The war drum in my heart,
Reminds me of the battle I have to fight,
Thump, thump, thump,
Passing the poison around my body.

I know you can feel it too,
I can see the burns across your skin,
A sign of my sins,
From when you gave a touch too soft, too gentle,
And it burns even more on those who just take.

I cannot remember to sound of an unmarred heart,
Or when my touch didn't scorn,
My worn down heart has forgotten how to beat,
But its starting to beat for you.

I'm not sure what is worse,
Watching you leave,
And feeling my heart twists with each fading footstep,
Or knowing that I'll wake with all your sweetness next to me,
To delicious to not devour.

Sometimes I can feel you holding me,
When I wake and I'm warm,
But I roll over,
And the bed is empty,
And the sheets are choking me,
I claw and scream for any sign you were here,
But the bed is cold.
And so am I.