Hey.
It's been a while since I wrote to you.
I wonder if you are still listening.
I wonder if you ever were.
I miss you.
Sometimes I think I see you.
Or I hear you.
Like your ghost was visiting to remind me of you.
If it wasn't for the messages I would've doubted you were real.
But you were real.
You were here.
I loved you.
I love you.
But my love couldn't fly 3692 miles to see you.
Wipe your tears and hold you close.
And your ashes were whisked away by the sky.
You always did wish you could fly.
I think a part of me died with you.
I can feel the parts of me that have rotted.
But though my lungs heave and ache without you,
And my body is weighted with guilt,
I am happy.
I knew you.
I knew every part of you.
That was an honour I'll never get again.
I wonder what you'd be like now,
17 years old and finally free?
Maybe you'd be happy.
Happy with me.
Maybe.
This might be last one.
At some point I have to move on.
Sometimes it feels like I caught the bullet,
Of the gun you shot.
I think it's time I let it heal.
I hope things are good now.
I hope you are better.
I just wanted  to say I still think of you.
I always will.

Yours sincerely,
x

I tried to write a list of the things I wanted in life
and list of things I want to cut off with a knife.
I found you name on both of the lists,
As I continue to reminisce,
Your wrists that I kissed,
And the memories of you that persist,
And insists that I should just submit,
And let you in.

Maybe I should never have let you go.

It's like there are razor blades in my throat,
Slicing up the words I want to say the most,
'I love you' I whisper,
But you were already gone.

I wish I could love you,
The way you deserve to be loved.

I never was fast enough to outrun you,
I can still feel your claws in my ankles,
Like chains,
that I'm trying to cut through,
But I'm left tangled,
The pain beating through my veins.
I think I've gone insane,
Where is my brain?
Look at how I've grown,
Into this hurricane.

Funny that?
You wind up a dog,
And it bites.

I place my hand on my chest,
Because my heart was the last thing you touched,
Before you left.
I never want to lose the feel of your touch,
Trying to burn this feeling into my skin,
I let you win.
I know you took all the summers with you,
So I'll wrap myself in the bleak winters,
And wait for your return.

I never wanted to let you go

Why do I feel shame for what I sold,
And you feel none for what you bought?

Would it be alright?
If I was to fall in love with you

I think I have been sad for so long,
That I don't know how to be anything else.

It's funny how I thought you were helping me to breathe,
When all you were doing was choking me.
And now that I've set myself free,
You say you don't understand why I had to leave,
And paint me as the beast.
Well everyone can see through your deceit.
Was my body just yours to feast?
Were these always were your intentions?
Or was it somewhere across the lines,
When your love that used to shine,
Became redefined,
And intertwined,
With something,
More serpentine.

"It's just a dance. What are you afraid of?"
She whispers into my ear.
I look into those damning, starry night eyes,
Feel the flames lick my body where her hands lay on my back.
"I'm scared the flames will burn too harshly, or that when the fire is put out all that will remain is the rubble of a broken heart."
I think to myself.
But then she slowly spins me around,
And I feel naked under her gaze,
And I couldn't care less.
The fear of never having you is larger than the burn you will leave behind.

I should have known better than to put my trust into hands so ***** and then question how it became so tarnished

If I stop breathing,
Will the weight on my chest lift,
Because God I need some relief.

Maybe the weight will crush my sternum,
And cave into my heart,
Maybe it already has.

It’s nice to know you’re still reading my poems,
even if you can’t look me in the face.

Even though my heart still beats the hurt through my veins,
All we can do is try and try again.
The sun whispers in to my skin;
"Everything will be okay,
Today is a new day."

The words are foreign in my mouth,
They should feel like home,
Maybe I’ll be homeless forever.

Peace settles in my bones
The 5 am air kisses my skin
On a rooftop somewhere
Going nowhere
The town sleeps
And the only sign of life is the lights
Twinkling in the streets.
My arms disappear into the dark night sky
And wonder why I feel so alive
when all i want is to die.
Maybe one day I will take the fall
I hope the heavens catch me.

You got me drowning in roses
But baby its okay,
I know you will kiss the wounds
That the thorns left behind.

I am no more than my flesh and bones
I am just a body
Let the vultures feed on me
Leave me to decay

i really hope the butterflies
don’t turn into moths

Even when you were pouring poison down my throat,
I wanted to believe that it was medicine,
Because it was you.

Even when my back was broken,
I would’ve carried you,
Because it was you.

Even though there wasn’t space in my heart,
I harboured you inside my chest,
And loved you.

And when my body collapsed,
and my mind was lost,
you were nowhere to be seen.

were you ever there?

You became my sunshine
during my everlasting winter
I can feel my ice thaw away
as i fall in love with you more everyday

even though you are killing me
i need you to feel alive
i loved you in all our fights
and our passionate nights
but you traded my love for the drugs you adored

and my lungs ache without you
ill hold onto you as if ill never touch you again
held together so closely that we breathe as one
and when you leave my body aches from the loss of your grip
the loss of your lips
the loss of all of it

Will you meet me by the tree
where you fell in love with me?
Will you love me as if i haven't changed?
I know my heart is heavy, my bones are broken,
my eyes are sunken, and my soul is tired
but love me as if my light never went out.
Love me as if the fire you started in me hadn't burnt through my bones.

Will you meet me by the trees
and dance with me?
We will sway with the breeze
and hold each other gently
as i caress your cheek and whisper
"you are the most magnificent thing i have ever seen"
and the winds will sing a song for us.

Or will you you look at me
and see the body i am?
A distant memory of who i was,
a shell of who i could've been.
a ghost of what we could have been.

will you even come at all?

I'm forever running from bullets
that have already hit me
so i run bleeding
my flesh tearing open
as the wounds that you left on my body
refuse to heal

I miss the burn on my throat
From the rope you wrapped around me
I miss the bruises on my wrist
from the way you grabbed me
I miss the gentle kiss
and the violence on your lips
I miss the bitter looks and hard touch
I missed loving you so much

When you can’t catch your breath
I’ll lend you the oxygen out of my chest
I would take apart my heart
If it helped yours to beat
But you like her and I can’t compete

“What does alcohol taste like?”

It depends on why you are drinking
Sometimes it tastes of love
Sometimes it tastes of regret

She was like a hurricane
And I so wanted to get caught up in the storm
To catch a true view of her beauty, all her horror
I wanted to feel my bones break and my heart fall apart from her love
Because it will be worth it
Oh god I loved her
But when the storm is gone
What is left?

The scars on my body
Lay like a map to the memories of you
I scratch and tear at my skin
In attempt to get you out my flesh
But the scars run deep into my bones

Will you still love me
When the seasons change and leaves decay
When my soul is tired and my bones heavy
When there’s nothing but numb minds and codeine hearts
Will you love me in a way I could never love myself ?

Depression is like punching waves
You keep hitting and hitting
But the waves keep coming
You look up and see the entire ocean waging against you
Like god created a storm just for you  
And then you become tired
And then you start to drown under the never ending cycle of waves

The ghost of you is choking me
But I don’t want you to leave
So I’ll let my lungs burn and heave
Please let me try and breathe for you

In amongst the debris of everything we created
And everything we destroyed
I know that I still love you
Even though your heart is still
And your body is cold
The memory of you will always keep me warm

Although i lay in the gutter
I still look at the stars
Oh how beautiful they are
Burning into the sky
Bleeding light into the darkness
Pure destruction
Pure chaos

Our love was like a fruit
Started of so sweet and so soft
But as it aged, it rotted and died
Leaving only a sour taste in my mouth

I knew the moment I started falling
That you could never catch me
My burdens were to heavy
I just didn’t realise that the crash
Would hurt so much

Rain pours like acid from the sky
I let you crawl inside my chest
when you were tired and needed to rest
but then you clawed your way out
and now there's nothing but emptiness
A bird without a nest
My bones are heavy
My lungs heaving
It shouldn't be so hard to be breathing
but your absence wraps around me like a noose
Will your suffocating grip ever become loose?

Please will you be my antidepressant
Numb my feelings
Keep the sadness at bay
Please will you stay

Please don't hurt me
I've been lost for so long
in a place with no sun
Please will you guide me home

Please don't go
When the flowers have wilted
And the summer grows cold
Please I need someone to hold

Please don't fall out of love with me

"Did you ever love me?
It's okay if it's a no
I've suffered a lot worse than lost words
It's just i have memories that are blurred
of a time when you were soft
and your words weren't slurred
but now the memories seem like a song
from a song bird
that has been left unheard
or stars that cowered in the dark night sky
So did you ever love me?
because i know i loved you"

He remained silent
turned his back
and i had my answer
the sky was starless after all
I remember running from you
when your eyes turned black with fury
and your tongue dripped poison with every word
and sometimes i feel like i'm still running

You remain in my shadows

The world is bare and colourless
The life has been drained from all of us
Now we are drunk on our soberness
As we run through old fields that are now battlegrounds

The morphine smiles aren't enough
Drunken promises hurt too much
So i'll pump ****** into my blood
These things hurt less than they should

I thought love was bruises and broken hearts
I was taught that pain was the point of it all
because if you aren't in pain
are you alive at all?

I thought i found a home in your heart
but it turns out it was only for rent
rent that i couldn't afford

Painted in suffering
Sculpted by regret
Our love was an art form
That we didn't appreciate

I've been thinking lately
about the life we never had
full of playground swings
and joyful things
and how all i wanted was that

I've been thinking lately
about the kids we never were
the kids i'll never have
the love we never gave
is the love we never had

I've been thinking lately
about my greatest fear
maybe its becoming you
maybe its being nowhere near

you were my forbidden fruit
and though i knew you were a sin
i just couldn't resist you
and if heaven never lets me in
i'll be okay knowing i had you

She was like art in a museum;
so beautiful to look at,
but you could never get close enough to touch
too fragile...

You were my safe place
you wrapped yourself around me
like a blanket

but then you started to choke me
and even though you've now let go
I'm still suffocating.

I always wanted to change the world
but the world ended up changing me
and though my thoughts and memories haunt me
at least they keep me company

My whole body aches
sadness seeps into my bones
and crawls into the cracks of my veins
and trapped in my body it remains

You started a fire in me
and now all is left is decay
because when a glass heart beats
it shatters

I have knives dancing on my tongue
and i have a tendency to spit them out
pass me the poison
ill try and drown them out

So i'll drink whiskey as bitter as me
do drugs to feel something
ill do anything to escape the reality
that in life you have all or nothing.