My skin has yellow undertones
Your eyes have golden flecks
We were a recipe for disaster from the moment that we met
You encased yourself in ice and steel
You broke my stained glass windows
I built myself a million walls to hide millions of secrets you clawed at the bricks to know
We share a pair of butterfly's wings
We each stole each other's half
You look away when you see me in passing
I feel shattered when I hear you laugh
My skin has yellow undertones
Your eyes have golden flecks
We were a recipe for disaster from the moment that we met

A disinterested tone of voice leaves me with my racing thoughts
I could write a book on how to overreact to things which don't even demand a reaction
I'm afraid of people playing games with me
I'm afraid now that I've shown my heart you'll get bored of me and leave
I am easily forgotten, the whispers remind me again
I turn over, try not to panic, pull the covers over my head

I roll over to hush my alarm and swear I'll quit my job today, every day
Eye twitching, hands shaking, vision unclear and gaze unsteady
Falling all over myself until I fall asleep uneasy
Here comes 3:30,
Looming over me
So I rise before the sun
Roll over to hush my alarm
And swear I'll quit my job today
But I'll swear the same tomorrow

miss memory, have you forgotten me?
i am quite sure of it now.
i can see you change from a distance,
nothing like you used to be.
you're almost unrecognizable.

(despite this, you still have
bubblegum pink lips,
bubblegum sweet voice.
artificial flavoring.)

Catastrophism
It's the little things you say, not to to me but to the wind
It's the way you don't say much to me at all
I am a screaming alarm
Flashing lights and frightening myself
If my voice sounds mechanical enough when it says i am cursed, unlovable, easily abandoned
I will forget it's my own and I will listen to it
I will take the words to heart and the voice will begin to sound like yours
I will fill in the silence
I will search for something, anything to prove the voice wrong
"I'm afraid I'm losing you and I don't know what I did"
"I should have held you closer but I'm afraid of my own strength and now it's too late"
I don't have the words to say what I need to say so in the end I say
"Hey, are we like, okay?"

Being a bomb is exhausting.
I am so tired of counting down.

You taste cold
Like chlorine in pool water
When I lick the tears away from my lips
And press the heels of my palms into my eyes
In that darkness i can see
The way your curls fall over your shoulders
I don't understand it at first
Tears are warm
Oh, but you are so cold
Cold like the first snow in winter
The type of cold you're drawn to
Until you're chilled to the bone
Day after freezing day
Clutching your coat tighter around you
You're cold like Christmas morning
All twinkly music and twinkling lights
While the families are snowed in, buried inside
It feels so warm until you look out the window and see white
You're cold like New Years Eve
Complete with the fireworks and the noise
That I was so afraid of as a child
So I guess I really need to learn to trust my instincts
Before I catch something that kills me

Not everything happens for a reason but we happened and we fell apart and maybe that was for a reason because we collapsed into framework so maybe our fortress just wasn't strong enough
We built together with dreamlike lumber, the stars and childhood thrill keeping everything together but we are older now and the moonlight makes our eyes look glassy instead of glittering
I keep staring at this rubble and wishing I could run the halls again but they don't exist, all that's left is the foundation and maybe I'm scared of letting go and maybe I'm scared of losing this but we cannot keep this castle standing with rain water and sugar and whispers
I come back to this place waiting for some kind of miracle, for something to make this stronger so we could stand again but I think if we want to be princes in our high tower we're gonna have to plant some trees and get some wood and build
As much as the thought of Us makes me glimmer, it is not feasible to sustain ourselves on the simple wish to go back in time to when we tended to one another's fires
Back before we knew fire was not something to be played with
Back before we were burned

I see people take their heatbreak in their hands and mold it into poetry
The same way I did for Memory
(I see her in the lettering)
I wonder, tarnished souls,
If we will ever write a "last poem" for the ones who burned us
(It has been over a year, now, and I am still finding new blisters)
How long will we wait to grow new, thicker skin and try again?

I am trapped inside myself
Inside this flesh and bone
This vessel
Used to be numbered 5
When it was sick
Now 18
I want to leave this cage
Find a new one
Feel beautifully hollow again
Sick or not
I don't care
Sick is better than this

i am carefully stacking building blocks in uneven patterns
trying to keep going up
and i know i said i'd be there but if you lean against me i will topple into pieces again
i have to accept the truth that i am not strong
i am finally learning to take care of myself and it is lonely and it feels selfish
and i hate breaking promises
but i cannot be an anchor when i have no hold on the ground
i am a tightrope walker with shaking knees and two left feet
you say it's okay in a way that lets me know it isn't
and i stagger on the line
please, please, please
i'm trying to stay alive

do you ever wish you didn't?
do you ever wish it were simple?
i often find myself longing for something easy
something readable
but we've built ourselves from complex wood engravings
i suppose that's part of our story
and i wouldn't trade a minute of our starlight
but you have to admit
sometimes simple sounds perfect

and unknowingly you've opened a ****** wound
now i'm tripping over old words, old feelings
god i've been looking the other way for so long
and with a simple suggestion, you've turned my gaze
and so the the image is burned into my eyes, the thought will never leave my mind
could we? could we? would it be okay? would it work this time?
is this what life has planned for us? is this the reason my heart still sings?
i want to put a cap on that bottle, set it on the shelf
but now i know the pressure will just keep building

You can sit
On the other side of that screen
And pretend you know me
And pretend you could save me
But baby
You don't even know my last name

How do I turn it off? How much of me is fake?
How do I know when the light is artificial,
When the energy I exude is the last?
I am always going until I stop full-force.
I am a chaotic ambivert.
I need you and need you and need you and need space,
I need time, I need room to breathe,
But smother me.
I need to be out, I need to be living, I need to experience,
But please don't get angry when I shut up in my room.
I will certainly be silent for some time.
It's all apart of my confused cycle.
I want to be here for you, I want to be with you, I want to talk to you all the time, but please, let me be alone for a while.
I need to be surrounded, I need to isolate, I need you to sit quietly next to me.
I don't know what I need.
I don't know which part of me is the front.
I don't know how much of me is a defense mechanism.
Every time I think I'm past these walls, I run into another.
I want to love you with all my honest being, but I don't really know who I am.
It's hard to strip down to your bare skin when you've spent your whole life in costume.
Is this me or the mask I wear?
Is any of me real?

my heart drops again into my stomach,
rattling around things inside of me,
rousing a rising nausea.
like a malfunctioning elevator.
someone show me how to fix my emotional hardwiring.

The weights have made their home in my bones again but I feel like I don't have the right to drag my heavy feet
The sun is bright, right outside my window which I crack slightly to let in the breeze
And I breathe the fresh air but it won't reach my lungs
I double-knot my shoes so I won't trip over myself but they still keep coming undone
I try to ignore the thickness of the ink in my veins
The slow drone of my own heartbeat
The thoughts that invade once again

Something sick, unfair inside me says please love me
Says think of me, talk to me, write for me
Says I need you like oxygen so tell me you need me too
And it happens around the same time of night, ever night
Something sick, unfair awakens
And the whispers grow louder
And *I wish I'd just die

I guess I live life moment to moment
Not so much in a spontaneous way
I'm just waiting for something to happen
I need a change of pace
Less time spent breathing in and breathing out moments with no action
Time slipping through my fingers like sand
Time not spent but wasted
So I wait for the change to come to me and cross my arms and sigh
There's gotta be a domino I can tip somewhere
I wanna live life moment to moment
I wanna laugh real and bright and true
Appreciate my friends and kiss you
And run down the streets like we're kids again
But objects at rest tend to stay at rest
For now I'll curse inertia and dream of carbonated spirits

please don't hate me
if we don't get to live these dreams

i have found that dreams never quite work out
not even in sleep

please forgive me if i give up
even after all this time
all these pills
all this therapy
after hours spent in behavioral unit B

please don't hate me
i'm just tired
this world is exhausting and unfair
no perfect god created us
there is no guaranteed light waiting at the mouth of any of these dark tunnels
we just go along
everything just happens
and i am not "meant to be" anything
not even alive
not even breathing

try to understand
i live for very few things
my future, my dogs, the need to be loved before i'm gone
but my future looks rickety
the wood is splintering and the nails are mostly rust at this point
i wasted too much time on things i can't control
and threw away all my potential
and my dogs are getting old
and i only leave muddy footprints on the world
stuck with in betweens and goodbyes
she wrote a poem that called me cancer
i listened

please believe me
i hate my lies, i do
i wish i could control it
i wish i didn't keep color coded strings tied to my fingers, coordinating who i am to different people and what has spilled out of my mouth, burning my tongue, deceptive acid
i hate my lies and dreams and body and breathe and spirit
hell, i hate my passion, it leaves me covered in scars and red streaks
i don't know how to keep energy from turning into anger from turning into marred flesh
i have no self control
but that's a lie, i do, i've stopped myself before,
it's just sometimes i think if i carve words into my skin these things can never leave me please god don't leave me

my chest hurts
all that's left is
i can't touch that, can't listen to that, can't look at that
can't really explain why except for that i can't
can't tell the truth to save my ******* truth
can't remember what i said two minutes ago
can't keep it together keep it together keep it TOGETHER
and i have all these dreams but that's all they can be so why do i fight so hard?
ruining my own life just because it's in my hands
i ruin anything i'm entrusted to take care of
my hands shake too much and i can't quite hold on
and now i'm making excuses like this is out of my control
is it out of my control? is it under my control?
i can't answer these questions i don't know what i'm making up anymore
it all just runs together looming dark and dangerous over my skin
sometimes it sets into my bones and i call it electricity

can you try to understand why i don't want to live like this
and i don't know how to change
i don't even want to get better because i don't know who i am outside this cage
i constructed every piece from scratch and i think it's the only thing i ever made
did i get this from my father?
sometimes i think we're more alike than i'd like to believe
we just hide different kinds of scars under our sleeves

but please don't hate me
if i finally finally leave

We play our game
Electric connection, power lines for veins
I'm on my knees, I'm at your feet
You can walk all over me,
I'll be your footstool, your side table,
I don't care,
I'll do anything for your attention
Throw love and money and gifts your way
Show you art, writing, anything for praise
Dedicate a thousand songs to the memories
I'm such a sucker
You're not even playing me
I'm playing myself
This is solitaire
Some ****** card game and I don't have the right hand
I'm chasing my tail to amuse you
Make a million excuses just to talk to you
Drink up your one-word answers
It's my own fault, really
This isn't "our" game, it's my problem
Imprinting and holding so tightly,
Desperate to have you by my side
So you're my star, my angel –
When will I cut the ****?
This isn't healthy
I shatter every time you get bored of me
Crumble before your eyes like my spine just left my body
Too afraid to tell you that it's killing me
Because you're here, now, and I'm so scared to lose you permanently
At least when I play my game you come back to me
*(I don't blame you
All I ask is please
Don't say anything
You don't really mean)

the thought of you
forms ice crystals in my lungs
and it's hard to breathe again
i don't think i'll ever be okay

Softly I offer my heart to you
And bare my throat and open wounds.
Something foolish inside me hopes you pocket it,
Hopes you memorize every **** in my skin.
Something selfish inside me
Hopes you hold me closer, closer
So I can bury myself in you and call this home.
Pleadingly I press my heart into your palms
And you hold it, don't dare to harm it
But I think if I get closer
I can see something glassy in your eyes
And i think, maybe
You're not really looking.

you called me baby, and
i started crying again
because i wish you were here
i know in your arms my demons wouldn't stand a chance
once again i find myself wishing
i could've been everything you needed
and that I could've found the courage to say
i love you a million times over
because it's true, baby, it's true

I hate the sense of obligation I have when I write.
I could care less if there's a pattern or a rhyme.
I do not write to write poetry.
Poetry is a form of delivery, a more delicate voice for the battlecry inside of me,
A way to release my chaotic thoughts.
I hate wanting to make sense to you
But I want to make sense to you
So maybe somewhere someone will read my heart and know they are reading my heart.
My brain and heart clash, clatter,
Chaos in a cluster intangible, so I instead try to make it legible
Because I cannot physically fight my demons or the thick inks that weigh down my veins.
I hate this,
I hate every word coming out of me right now,
Artificial and laminated,
Served to You, my Reader,
Seasoned to what I hope is your liking:
Far too mild.
I wish I could scream through words,
I wish I could finally write something with enough honesty and emotion that I feel like it was worth writing.
After every sentence I want to exit this page,
Close this book,
Slash big ****** red "X"s on everything in this artificial life.
I will not end this gracefully.
My thoughts are not graceful.
Dear inner artistry: go **** yourself.

you find new people to talk to
(or rather
new places to carve words into your skin where they won't look)
when the silence eats away at you
new people would be the ideal
but how can you overcome your trust issues
when they always turn and leave
(and they always turn and leave)

Erase her curls and hazel eyes and smile
Pour thick black paint over every time I have said or thought [REDACTED]
Whiteout the sound of her voice
Laughing
The sound of her voice
Haunting
Dissect my emotions and pull out the quick anxiety that set in at that concert where I first realized she wanted away
The hurt I felt when she first shut me out
The hopeless loyalty
Take back the drunk texts from that night
And the anger when her boyfriend responded instead
Because can't I get any ******* closure
Pack it all up
The hurt, the summers, the memories
Light it on fire
Watch it burn
Try not to breathe the smoke
Pray the thoughts are gone for good

I am aware, logically,
That when Winter comes and all things die,
The numb cold of snow will eventually clear
And the flowers will bloom
And my plum tree will bud and provide fruit.
Spring will warm all of creation once more,
Rain will wake my skin.
But today all is frozen,
Iced over and silent with​ no growth to be found,
And logic aside,
This feels
Eternal.
I cannot feel the sun that does not warm my skin.
I cannot taste the rain that does not touch my lips
And the flowers that have not yet regrown
Show no signs of life, here.

I like to think
That one day
When I strip down after work and
Curl up with a blanket and a book,
It will become habit for you to join me.
Let me lay my head in your lap,
Silent connection while we read,
A moment perfectly still in time and in peace.
I love you. Press against me.

I will likely get lost in the idea that
Maybe, you could love me
And we want similar things for our futures
And that's so hard to find
I will likely get lost in the thought
Of you and I living out of campers and driving from concert to concert
And we both carry ear plugs just in case the other forgets
I get so star-eyed so easily,
So dizzy,
Dizzy on the thought that maybe I don't have to be lonely,
So dizzy that I forget for a moment the things you do that leave me clawing at my skin and pulling out my hair

Maybe we will go to school and get an apartment and grow together
Maybe I will learn your boundaries and your pick me ups and your favorite foods
Maybe you will care enough to do the same

But I will remind myself
I do not love you​
I do not love you
I do not love you

I don't know I don't know I don't know
Clawing at my head
Picking at my skin
Blood under my nails
I wish I could just know where we stand
What you think of me,  
What he thinks of me,
Does she think of me?
Do they still think of me?
In everything we are and have been,
I struggle to find my place.
*(Maybe I cannot find it
Because I have none here.)

I've spent my whole life with WIPE YOUR FEET written on my forehead in thick waterproof ink but I never really notice because I tend to avoid mirrors
And people always seem so happy when you let them leave marks on your skin so it's easy to forget it's wrong
To forget that I am not made to kiss the feet of those who step on my mouth and silence me
If I look in the mirror I feel used and unclean so I don't
The realization that you are not human is heavy and unpleasant, it leaves you nauseous and restless but people seem so happy when you let them leave marks on your skin so trying to reclaim your being is selfish, right?
Often times when I am suicidal it's because I feel I have nothing to give to the world, I'm not important or valuable but of course I'm not valuable, I'm dinged up and ***** from a lifetime of use
Maybe then it's my purpose to be used
Or maybe there's no purpose at all
Because maybe I am not a tool
So how ****** up is it that I feel I should die if I'm not able to be used?
I'm sick to the stomach as I try to scrub the label off my forehead or at least the dirt from my skin
And feel selfish for looking in the mirror

Like a hopeful child to a wishing star
Dreaming of some far off fantasy
I speak these words into the world
When I grow up, let me be happy

the taste of lonely lingers on my lips like my last kiss, 6 or so years ago,
like blood seeping weakly through cracks, like salt and iron
it feels like i have been alone forever

once i held a firework in my hands
and the colors were so pretty
and i got so, so burned
i still have the scars
but i'm begging for the heat

tell me you adore me
and i'll sit at your feet
while the water rises

love me desperate ***** like we're dying like i'll leave you tomorrow though we both know i won't love me burning up at your touch love me groveling love me sick it's all i know but i'll take anything over lonely

when you hurt me
I spit venom
Make myself a barrier
Of vines and thorns and roses
I will burn bright, neon anger
Passion poison
Callous caution
I will shut down, shut off, shut you out, anything to get away
I won't be hurt again

I need sleep, but I just want an ending
And I haven't taken my pills in a month because I don't trust myself not to swallow the whole bottle once it's in my hand
On my medical file they call that "uncooperative"
Instead of "survival"
The doctors don't understand what it's like to be a quickly unraveling thread
I'm pulling on it,
Pulling myself apart
Habitual self-destruction is more familiar than healing
And I feel more comfortable knowing the end game
Recovery is a shot in the dark
Unraveling is much easier

RIP MY HEART OUT OF MY CHEST
I DON'T WANT TO BE SOFT ANYMORE
I DON'T WANT TO LOVE YOU
DEEP, DEEP LIKE THE OCEAN
COVER MY SKIN IN SCAR TISSUE
AND DRAIN THE ROSEWATER FROM MY EYES
IT HURTS HURTS HURTS AND IM SO TIRED
TIRED OF CHASING MY TAIL AND CHASING YOU
FOR ANY SENSE OF COMPANIONSHIP, OF CONNECTION
BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND TO BE ALONE IN THIS WORLD
AND I THOUGHT MAYBE WE WERE SOMETHING GREAT
I WANT TO FORGET THE WAY MY SOUL LIGHTS UP WHEN I MAKE YOU LAUGH
I WANT TO BURN EVERY MEMORY
I WILL REMIND MYSELF THAT YOU DON'T NEED ME
I WILL TRY TO DO THE SAME
I WON'T SPARE A SECOND GLANCE TO THE STREETLIGHT
I WON'T EVER BE THIS RAW AGAIN

DEMONIZE ME, MY DARLING, AND I WILL BECOME YOUR DEMON .
I WILL SIT HERE ON YOUR SHOULDER, DIGGING MY CLAWS INTO THE SOFT SKIN OF YOUR NECK,
DIGGING FOR THE NOT-SO-SOFT MUSCLE UNDERNEATH .
I AM MADE OF FIRE AND LIGHTNING,
I WILL BURN YOU UP.
I HAVE TRIED TO KEEP MY PATIENCE
BUT NOW I'M JUST FED UP.
COME, MY DARLING,
A LITTLE CLOSER,
SO MY VENOM LIPS ARE BY YOUR EAR,
SO MAYBE WHEN I SCREAM YOU WILL FINALLY ******* HEAR.

It is the beginning of June and I am alone again
Sitting in my bedroom wishing I was anywhere else
And I could use a little magic, a little adventure
A little bit of the way things were back before I moved and everything changed and everything drifted
A little bit of Arizona heat and tired legs
Walk all over creation, push you in a shopping cart
I've gone so pale since I moved here, I hardly get out in the sun
It's not the same without Candlelight Park and my favorite tree and the familiar streets and you
My best friends, oh god my best best friends
I miss that and I miss there and miss us
And time keeps barreling forward
And you're somewhere, not beside me
And my voice is lost somewhere in Colorado

heavy
it sets in heavy
in my bones and chest and conscience
and i think i've spent too many nights wishing and
i think it's not fair to anyone involved
(again
suicide coils around my heart
coaxing
never ever feel alone again)