My body is quaking
I cannot calm the heart palpitations and I cannot stop MOVING MOVING MOVING MOVING
Repetition repetition repetition
They call it call it a TIC tic tic tic tic
I call it call it release
Call it impulse, call it screaming without screaming
Call it MY THROAT IS GOING TO TEAR OPEN IF I DON'T GET GET GET GET GET GET THESE WORDS OUT
I cannot cannot cannot cannot cannot cannot cannot stop stop moving
I will burst I know I will burst it will be messy
I'll keep keep keep rolling all over and kicking and fidgeting and repeating repeating repeating repeating repeating repeating myself
Call me a broken record call me anything you like
My thoughts are too loud to hear your voice anyway

heavy
it sets in heavy
in my bones and chest and conscience
and i think i've spent too many nights wishing and
i think it's not fair to anyone involved
(again
suicide coils around my heart
coaxing
never ever feel alone again)

when you hurt me
I spit venom
Make myself a barrier
Of vines and thorns and roses
I will burn bright, neon anger
Passion poison
Callous caution
I will shut down, shut off, shut you out, anything to get away
I won't be hurt again

I wish I hated you from the start
I wish I couldn't feel love at all
I wish it didn't overwhelm me
But God, it's so overwhelming
Tear out my feeling,
Rid me of empathy
Take every memory
Go on and destroy me
The base of my being
The intensity of everything
It's so overwhelming
I'm so overwhelming
So take it apart
Tear it to pieces
Throw it away
Distribute the ashes
Of every love
That I've ever lost
'Cause I'm feeling so lost
I don't wanna be lost
I want to be free of this, of me
I'm so overwhelming
So go on and destroy me

DEMONIZE ME, MY DARLING, AND I WILL BECOME YOUR DEMON .
I WILL SIT HERE ON YOUR SHOULDER, DIGGING MY CLAWS INTO THE SOFT SKIN OF YOUR NECK,
DIGGING FOR THE NOT-SO-SOFT MUSCLE UNDERNEATH .
I AM MADE OF FIRE AND LIGHTNING,
I WILL BURN YOU UP.
I HAVE TRIED TO KEEP MY PATIENCE
BUT NOW I'M JUST FED UP.
COME, MY DARLING,
A LITTLE CLOSER,
SO MY VENOM LIPS ARE BY YOUR EAR,
SO MAYBE WHEN I SCREAM YOU WILL FINALLY ******* HEAR.

I will tell myself not to trust you
As my heart silently takes your every word as a promise.
Every promise ever made to me
Has been broken
But I fall back to your arms
And still feel shock when I hit the floor and pain shoots through my body.
I will lock myself to you and give you the key,
Trusting you to treat me kindly
And you will cut off my hand instead of opening the lock.
I will cry as I make the same mistake with the next person who lets me show them my heart.
I will give a piece of myself to you and as I watch you with wide, trusting eyes
You will hold it in front of me and rip it apart,
Too many pieces to repair, leaving me less than the start.
A new soul comes along and tilts my head up by the chin,
Telling my not to cry through their fake-honest grin.
I will tell myself not to trust,
But I know my heart will take every word as a promise.
I will shatter as I hit the floor,
Giving away my pieces until there's no more.

It is the beginning of June and I am alone again
Sitting in my bedroom wishing I was anywhere else
And I could use a little magic, a little adventure
A little bit of the way things were back before I moved and everything changed and everything drifted
A little bit of Arizona heat and tired legs
Walk all over creation, push you in a shopping cart
I've gone so pale since I moved here, I hardly get out in the sun
It's not the same without Candlelight Park and my favorite tree and the familiar streets and you
My best friends, oh god my best best friends
I miss that and I miss there and miss us
And time keeps barreling forward
And you're somewhere, not beside me
And my voice is lost somewhere in Colorado

Brutal reminders that nothing is assured have stirred in me the desire to assure those I love that I love them dearly and let them know just how much they mean to me.
And maybe it isn't accurate to say that "nothing" is assured because I can assure you that I love you, I love you, I love you.

To my moon with big blue eyes who spent countless hours by my side:
You remind me of safety and warmth and the feeling of living, you have been there when I've cried.
You remind me of music and soft things and book stores.
You have been a precious friend and every day I miss you more.

To my sun who I don't always see but always come back to eventually,
I know you're not comfortable with these types of touchy-feely things, emotional dedications, suffocating affections
But you are my oldest and dearest friend
And it'd be like leaving my heart at home to leave you out or squeeze it in at the end.
I grew up with you, laughed with you, stayed up secretly all night with you
And so many nostalgic memories bring me right back around to you.
You have been a home to me when I've felt lost and without direction and it breaks my heart that we seem to be losing our connection.
I love you till forever and forever even more.
I'll be here until whenever, I'll leave the light on by the door.

To my somewhat-soulmate and my Sky,
You are my safe place and my star.
I'm so glad we've come so far to the place where we are.
I have to say that part of me will always regret not being quite what you wanted or needed, and yet,
You are my closest friend, the one I confide in.
You are someone I know I can trust to cry on or to hide in.
I am convinced we are soulmates in some way ,
Kindred spirits, if you'd like.
A string of fate and friendship connects you and me
And I hope it doesn't come undone, ever,
Or at least for a very very very long time.
I want time to watch you grow,
I want to be there when you shine.

This isn't very poetic at all,
It doesn't have much rhythm or flow,
But I wrote it with a lot of feeling
And I hope that it shows.
I love you three to bits and pieces,
And regardless of if we're near or far,
You'll have a room in my heart, light on in welcome and door ajar.

I am Almost the one you love
I am Never quite enough
I am Almost just a friend
I am Never sure where to stand
You will Always have my heart
You will Never try again, restart

I wish reality was physical so I could hit it back,
Sucker punch it in the mouth,
Scream in its face.
How dare it take my time away?
How dare it dangle my passions in front of me,
Separate them into paths,
Then say I can only walk one way?
My soul burns too bright for my body.
I have to take out some of the tinder,
But I kinda wish, kinda want to
Just burn up.
It'd be easier than playing duck-duck-goose with my passions
Chasing one around and around when I might not even catch it
And passing the others up completely.
I want to do everything.
I want to inhale theatre and exhale animation.
I want to rise with writing and sleep with song.
I am struggling, I don't know if it's possible
To just choose one.

the parts of me that i hide from most people are the parts i need you to see
see me needy, desperate, scared
see me holding onto you like i'm afraid you'll float away if i let go
see me at your feet, see me curled against you, see me needing your affection like i need oxygen
i am not simple, i am not easy, i am not low maintenance
i am not indestructible, i am not strong
i need you to see me needing you
i need you to understand
because i'm not good at asking
but i need the reassurance
i need you to want me for me
i need you to need me because i need you
i need you to hold me please just hold me
tell me you're never gonna leave me tell me you want me tell me i'm good
i will sing your praises forever my angel but please
i need you to see this
i need you to see me

i want to go through and clean things up
scrub the blood off the walls
clear the smell of rust and loneliness from the air
i am not the intelligent author of prose, no,
but the emotional rambler with a vocabulary made up of
screams and metaphors
i want to bare my soul
to you, who may actually understand what it means to be bare
but i fear we don't speak the same language
every word i write
every entry laced with desperation
and yours, introspection
i am too self-critical to be self-aware
but tell me
if i write with the tantrum honesty of a child
will you understand?

Bring me peace, bring me closure
I'm tired of feeling territorial
Nothing belongs to me, nothing and no one
We are free spirits in a society which urges us to own
You are not mine, love
I'm still learning to be okay with that
I'm not sure if I'll ever adjust to being alone
Or if I'll ever conquer my fear of not being Enough
But I'd rather live with the weight and anxiety
Than try to tie down beauty
Art was never meant to live within restrictions
And you were never meant to be choreographed
So I will learn to to live with your eyes on other horizons
I just hope that you still see me in the stars

It's one of those days where I am itching,
Desperate to feel like I exist
I need a little high, a shot of sunlight
Wind in my hair and friends at my side
I search for pictures in the brightest colors I can find
I look for hours for something to make me feel alive
I send a hundred messages but received no reply
So I sit here in my bedroom and tell myself it's no use to cry

Stop talking for two seconds and maybe you could hear the cicadas outside
But probably not, given the screaming in your mind
Things are never quite quiet, it's no wonder you keep rambling
Too many thoughts passing through and not enough room to think to have a filter
You know you twist things, twist words and people
It doesn't really matter if it's unintentional
Take your medicine to clear the static cloud
Take your medicine to bring the noise down
You keep making noise like it's all you know how to do
It's mostly nonsense at this point, you don't think anything through
Take your medicine, shut it down, shut UP
Take a step back, sit down, shut up

on wednesday you sit in the bathtub for two and a half hours
not washing, not even your hair, just kinda sitting
you know it's gross, you see the state of the water, you watch your toes prune
but nothing exists here, except maybe the internet, and time, and that's not a peace you're granted often,
so you sit.

when you get to your room
your ***** clothes will smell, and your clean clothes will be downstairs
from saturday, when you had the energy to wash them but not to put them away,
so you sit and stare at the tile,
try not to focus too ******* the pain in your back, between your shoulder blades and up your neck

you feel the time pass
it is noon,
which is 4 hours until 1 hour until you have to go to work,
not nearly enough time,
4 hours until 1 hour, 3 hours until 1 hour until 1 hour, 2 hours until 1 hour until 2 hours,
your brain creating these strange, non-existent deadlines
so you never really relax,
just dissolve into ***** bathwater,
counting down to nothing

Allow me to make a home for myself inside of your body
Somewhere in some cavity
Where I can be close to you and cozy
Let me latch on just tight enough
Let me memorize your voice
I do it without permission
From my host or from myself
This parasitic living
Will cause all of us hell

I sit here in my room with 4 hours to my appointment, having not slept but stewed in my mind.


I wrote several stanzas following this but I can't. I can't. I cannot turn this feeling into poetry.

I am haunted by the knowledge: I was never meant to amount to anything. Child of a paralegal and a burnout. I will never amount to anything.

if i am a tornado in your shelter
a storm behind these walls it is
the corner you have backed me in
the pain of wings you've clipped it is
the voice that you have silenced
as it rises into screams it is
this earthquake of a person
from fault lines you made deep

you cannot back the cat into the corner
and cry out when it shows claws
you cannot raise a child by simply pointing out their flaws
and you cannot box a natural disaster
and expect it to stay
you name me rolling thunder yet condemn the role i play
you've backed me in this corner
see static on my spine
you keep calling out for order
yet continue to cross the line

i know that i am enough but
enough just isn't enough
in a world full of wonderful people
i want to be extraordinary
i want to live up to the way you love me
because most days, i just don't understand

today I woke with a bad start and I pushed my way through the quicksand of the morning,
sleeping in isn't an option for my 4 am shift life and a good night's sleep is called showing up late for work
it took a week for 9 am to become 10
and everything felt so slow that I ran a red light without noticing on the way home
I am drowning at 1:30
the afternoon sun taunts me for crawling back into bed but I don't have the energy to fight this today
feel my throat close up and I cry for no reason again
eat lunch from a microwave pouch
'cause I don't have the energy to leave the house for fast food
I will only be awake for  7 more hours today
I am sure that I will waste every second dreading tomorrow
when it all resets just to replay

I don't know how to claw my way out of this one
This well feels deeper than those of the past
And it still somehow overflows
So I can't get a breath of air and I can't find purchase on the cold stone walls
I don't see how there could be any light at the end of this tunnel
When I stare up all I see is the thick black ink which drowns me
I have trouble keeping my eyes open, keeping my legs kicking
I am not a great swimmer but it is still much harder to tread this darkness than it has ever been to tread water
And I honestly don't think I'll survive this summer
There's not much oxygen left in these weak lungs
And everything seems so dark
And I am
So
Tired

I don't often write about good and beautiful things
But this one goes to you
A thank you note for being the color on gray days
The rain in this drought
One word from you is a saving grace from the world I often shut out
And I'm not always great at expressing it, but you're the sun shining through the clouds
Like the feeling of driving music up, windows down at 60 miles an hour
With the added warmth of cocoa on Christmas
And twice as sweet
And this is cliche
But thank you for being the best part of my day.

I have no words I've lost my words
I cannot word the way I feel
My art, my song
They're so far gone
Buried somewhere beneath the ache in my chest
And I want to see the world but I don't have the means
And I wanna live without regret but I've got rock bottom self-esteem
I want stories to tell but there's so much I haven't seen
It's eating me alive from the inside, it's hard to breathe
Teach me how to get up and do something worth doing
I wish that I could say I'm living a life that is worth living
I need to be more fearless, more outgoing, more giving
All I wanna do is live a life that is worth living
Light my words on fire, bright LIGHTS the world's on fire
I need some motivation to take, take me higher
I have a timid heart with bigger than life desires so I need a little something to take, take me higher
I'll feed this little fire, breathe in a little smoke
Give me a spark and you'll never forget the words that I spoke
I have a timid heart with bigger than life desires
But one day you'll know my name when I start, spark the fire

how come the people who hurt us were so close
and you're so ******* far away?
i danced with the devil in the city
but i just wanna hold your hand
we don't need any music if we've got each other, and i don't need to dance
i just want you close to me
the one good thing,
my darling understanding
i just want you close to me
but you're somewhere by the coast
and i'm stuck here in the middle
demons can sun with me by the poolside
i have held my manipulators close
but i can't look you in the eyes without cameras and screens between
and the world seems to be laughing

we exist together in this time and space
we laugh, we cry, we love, we fight,
we do all of it holding hands
and we never let go

i just want to experience it all with you
i want to kiss your cheek in the morning and hold you close at night
dance in the kitchen, sit in the quiet, clean up the messes we've made
all of it, i want you,
good and bad, highs and lows
every moment spent in your presence is precious
every time i get to breathe the same air as you i rejoice
you make me happier than i could have ever imagined
i'm so proud and honored to be your boy

let's just do it all together
cute dates and mundane
i'll kiss you at the top of the ferris wheel
at the foot of the stairs
i'll kiss you any time i see you and remember how wonderful you are
and how thankful i am for your warmth
i love you, in grassy parks and empty parking lots, in fairgrounds and grocery stores, in candlelight and the early light of morning and in every silent hour of the night
to the moon and back and beyond, through every plane of existence, in this life and the next

I have told myself I cannot die until I meet Savannah
And walk her streets, feel her sand beneath my feet,
Tour the town I've only dreamt of.
Someone carved "LOVE HAPPENS HERE."
On a wooden pole at the dock
And I am determined to find the spot.
I have told myself I cannot die until I trace my fingertips over every splintered dot.
It may sound strange or silly
Saying "I cannot die until"
And placing my life in a town I've never met,
But I believe dear Savannah
Is where I need to be
To finally breathe and laugh and feel alive at.

you put the bird in the cage and set it on the windowsill
you put the bird in a cage so small he cannot spread his wings
you put the bird in the cage and the cage by the window
still you question why the bird never sings

when you cut me
I bleed candy
let you walk all over me
repeating I love you I love you I love you
gooey bright pink on the pavement
bubblegum bruises
sugar sweet scars
I will do anything, anything, anything not to lose you
I will rot your teeth

i am tired of feeling this way
& tired in general,
wondering if this new therapy will really help me
and if i process these memories what happens when I experience more?
because I will experience more.
I have a habit of being left behind.
the vibrations switch from hand to hand.
she says I might dream about it –
I don't wanna dream about it –
I don't wanna think about it –
don't wanna feel it.
I don't wanna feel it anymore.

I have to say
I don't see the point in trying to fight
When every night feels like a losing battle with your own mind
And the consolation prize is you're still alive
Well, "alive"
Define life
'Cause I'm pretty sure this isn't it
And I'm trying to feel it
Trying to find it
Hoping maybe I'll get it if I turn the music up loud enough
Sing my heart out enough
Write my thoughts, feelings, fights down enough
But I'm pretty **** scared that it's not enough
And it'll never be enough
But *******, that's enough of "enough"
I wanna outgrow this
I wanna leave this town and forget it
I wanna do everything they say isn't "realistic"
I wanna prove that I'm worth it
Mostly to myself
But to everyone else who contributed to my hell as well
Though I have to say
I'm really tired of trying to fight
And it'll be a long time in this battle with my mind
And I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending to be alive
'cause I'm not really alive
And when I define life
I know this isn't it

things were so simple but then they got messy
i couldn't stop screaming
you covered your ears, then you left me
and i miss you so much some times it feels like im dying
and sometimes i'd rather than live a life without you beside me
remember the times we had? remember how perfectly we fit?
you were my everything
the guiding star to my ship
and i loved you loved you loved you
i look back at the days when we were everything
but it all got so messy

things were so simple then

deep grooves mark the places in my heart touched by loved ones
by people i once bonded with, felt inseperable from
verbal quirks and gestures adopted from the friends whose back pockets i once lived in
and if you're close to me, i will lovingly carve out a home for you in my heart

and it will be there when you walk away,
unmarked and unaffected

sometimes i want to be proven wrong
sometimes i'm selfish
sometimes i'm twisted
i know i don't deserve it
i know i don't deserve it

Love me in the summer when it's easy and we can chase the nights down wherever they may lead
When we can waste our afternoons lazy and warm in park fields on picnic blankets
Love me with the reflection of fireworks in your eyes, caffeine and alcohol in your veins,
Tell me you wish the plants would grow right over us,
Swallow us up into the ground so we could be beautiful too
I'll give you everything,
Anything,
Be up for any adventure
I'll love you like I can't think straight
Like the sun's in my eyes and I'm driving blind but the wind feels too good to stop
Even though it's dangerous
Even though we could crash
Just promise me you'll love me even when January comes
And we're standing under gray skies
I'll bundle up in you
Hold you close
We'll still see our breath
But we'll be warm like summer

sign to me your letters clearly
i keep trip,trip-tripping on words
my dyslexia must be confusing me
i don't know what you said and what i inferred
tell me something honest
bold like our stars used to be
i cannot ask the question
but would you answer it for me?
seal it up and send it
watch the paper airplane fly
as you drink sicksweet nostalgia
as i not to choke on mine

I will pick myself up off the floor
With sharpened teeth
I will shake
It's not exactly "brushing the dust off"
More like a punishment for feeling and acting out and breathing in someone else's space
I have holes in my neck and my back and my heart
Times I have stabbed myself, times others have stabbed me
Times I have thrashed my own body around, locked jaw and sharpened teeth
No one around cares to encourage me
So I have learned to punish me
Though I never seem to stand when I drop myself back on my feet
No one taught me gentle touches
But I know how to use my teeth

it sinks in when you're gone
the ink wells up again, floods my veins
and i wonder if i will ever really be happy
or just a parasite
feeding off of you
i say i love you and i mean it
i say i need you and it stings
alcohol in open wounds
so afraid you will turn away
and i will be plunged into my ocean again
freezing cold and drowning
when i never learned to swim

today will begin and end and not be missed
which is to say, i've been wasting time again
when i swore to hold on to each second
when i took the sun in my hands and slipped it into my pocket
the problem with carousels is that they move in a circle
twinkly circus music and fun aside
we end where we began
rising and falling
but never really progressing
i will tell you recovery isn't linear
but keep quiet the question
of possibility
listening to the twinkly circus music
rising and falling
coming back around to the beginning

Pack it all up
Condense life to an old RV
Paint the sides
Redo the interior
Drive and drive and drive
Wherever the job takes us
New place, new project
Live life like a roadtrip
A constant vacation
Have adventure at our fingertips and in our veins
Play every song
Watch every sunrise

Won't you come fly?

Someday I hope I get to the point where I can be alone for a full twenty four hours without thick syrup flooding my chest, weighing down my heart
It hasn't been a full day and I can feel the overflow as it climbs higher in my throat and chokes me
I sputter for breath, burrow deep in my blankets, and try to escape the lonely

Tell me how my eyes look like hot embers when the sun catches them just right
And how they light up when I talk about my latest obsessions
Tell me you love the way i jump across rooftops
Unpredictable
Always an adventure
Sketch a more beautiful portrait of this marred flesh
Like you don't see my scars
Like my extremes aren't deadly
Like you aren't afraid that one day jumping across rooftops will be my literal downfall
Just a simple slip
Always just a simple slip away

Tell me how my voice sounds like late night summer laughter
And my smile feels like sunlight kissing your skin
Like I used to
In our golden years, years ago
When you smelled like home and comfort and sleep
And I'll sleep in your hoodie to breathe you in deep
Like nothing ever changed.
Your voice sounds like late night summer laughter
And your smile feels like sunlight kissing my skin
Like you used to
In our golden years, years ago.