ing

sometimes i get sad and want to hide away forever, i don’t know why but it happens quite often. usually i have a different way of dealing with it, but if i don’t do anything i end up hiding in myself and if that happens for too long i eventually get lost and completely shut down. i didn’t want that to happen so today when i woke up feeling sad and hollow i hid physically in a corner of my room, so i didn’t shutdown on the inside, which was bound to happen. i couldn’t tell you this earlier because i didn’t want to let you down and disappoint you, because it’s ungrateful, how can i be sad when i have everything. i can’t help it and i don’t know why. you don’t know it but you keep me alive. you’ve saved my life so many times without realising. these are all the things i should have told you before, but i couldn’t. because i know that when you find out you will be disappointed in me and i couldn’t live to see that disappointment on your face, i’ve seen it too many times, and this would be the end of me. i should have told you this because maybe then you wouldn’t have left, maybe you would still be here and everything would be ok. if this is because of me and how distant i am, i’m sorry, i truly am. i am a coward. something you’ve probably already figured out, but i’m an emotional coward too, and i’m sorry for how it has affected you and what it has stopped me from telling you. i don’t know what’s going to happen now, but i love you, i always will. “you saved my life, why couldn’t i save yours” that’s from all the bright places, my favourite book. you did save my life and you told me once that i did save yours, but now you’re gone so i don’t think i did a good enough job. when you said those words i knew then that it was my duty to keep you alive, to keep you from drowning just as you had me, without knowing it. but i failed you and i truly am sorry. i can’t see any sort of life past now, it’s blurry and i don’t know what that’s telling me. but whatever happens, i love you and i’m sorry, i should’ve tried harder. “when the person who’s keeping you alive leaves, what happens to you now” that’s me, these are the words i can’t stop hearing since you walked out the door. i wish i had told you these things and i wish that it’s not too late. but i know that if you ever do come back i will be too scared to say these things out loud, because i am a coward and couldn’t handle your disappointment in me. you’re right, you’ve always been right, i’m a taker and i always have been. i have so much, everything, i have no right to be sad im sorry. i love you and i really hope this isn’t goodbye. i love you more than u could ever know. thank you for saving my life.

i wrote this after you left, after you walked through the door and undid all the promises you made about never leaving.