my eyes were tired from crying
as i sat on the edge of the hotel bed
with covers bundle at the foot
and you breathing softly on the other end

our clothes were scattered on the floor
a t-shirt here, a sweater there
reminding me of a passion
that ceased to exist

and light filtered through the blinds
creating monochromatic stripes on your back
coloring you in black and white
like a old photograph

i wanted to reach out and touch you
feel the warmth of your skin
but the room smelled of ***
and tear filled regret

morning came so quickly
as you slept and I lingered
in the final night of pretending
we were still us

her favorite color was yellow
she loved the way it burst
and swayed in between flower petals
how the sun peeked through the clouds
after a particularly rainy day

she met a boy who liked the color orange
like pumpkin pie and japanese beetles
ultra-fluorescent vests and crushed leaves
he liked the way it stood out from the crowd
and shined brightly against a bleak background

but she was yellow and he was the color orange
close enough to be one in the same
but too different to combine
one calm and riddled with sadness
the other frantic and full of doubt

the two colors started to bleed together
yellow and the color orange
each trying to brighten the other
but they became muddled as one
and lost sight of one another

There’s space between us
And I can feel the ground snap
And splinter under our feet
The sound of it is deafening
Overwhelming me with each crack
I can see the memories
Slip silently through the cracks
One by one
Until they become obsolete
I can sense myself slipping
Scrambling for my own footing
Falling into the darkness
Of losing you
I can try and hold on
To the sharp edges of us
But my hands have grown ******
Torn by the words poured on the floor

i feel like my mind can’t be contained
and all the dark thoughts i harbor beneath
pour into the surrounding life i live
poisoning the happiness i’ve come to find

it betrays me by rotting me from the inside out
and eroding every joyful memory into dust
questioning the steps i’ve taken to get where i am
quick to replace the comfort with silent pain

i wish i could finally shake loose of my mind
and leave behind the decayed flesh of it
abandon the past and all the scars in its wake
acquire back the light i used to hold

but i’m stuck in a prison i’ve created myself
and have lost the keys to my own happiness
trapped in a web of doubt and uncertainty
trampled by my own two feet

I’ve been the girl who held him too close
I’ve pleaded and cried into his chest
I’ve been held just as close
But felt just as far away
And clung to the back of his t-shirt

I’ve been the girl who knew he was unhappy
I’ve pleaded and cried into the silence
I’ve felt him drift to the other side of the bed
My thoughts of him ran wild
And seeped into reality

I’ve been the girl who called him over and over
I’ve pleaded and cried into his voicemail
I’ve said this was the last time I would call
My voice choking on the words
And hung up with a lonely goodbye

I’ve been the girl who begged him to stay
I’ve pleaded and cried into my hands
I’ve blocked the door in protest
My arms spread across the threshold
And asked if he still loved me

I’ve been the girl left alone in an apartment
I’ve pleaded and cried into the blank walls
I’ve packed my things and ghosts of him
Walked across the now foreign home
And left behind the memory of who we were

I never said no
But I know I never wanted to
End up in your bedroom
That sweltering afternoon
With your thick, rough hands
Pressed against me

I focused on any part of the room
That wasn’t you
Fixed my gaze on a poster on your wall
And listened to the box fan on the floor
Trying my best to drown out
The sounds coming out of your mouth

I never said stop
But I wanted you to
Quit kissing me with your foreign lips
Feeling the stubble on your jaw
Rub my face raw
Smell your soured breath from cigarettes

I counted the seconds
Until it was over
When you rolled off of me
I wanted to shout and scream
Hateful and ugly things
But I was silent in that unmade bed

I never said no
But I know I never wanted to
End up in your bedroom
With you, but thoroughly alone.