Tonight,
I watched you quietly again
But all these future memories
Kept projecting in my brain

We'd go to baseball games
And play footsie on top of the littered popcorn
Comfort would take over
Mending a wound we used to mourn

We'd eat breakfast in bed
And tumble on top of each other
Laughter would pierce through
Filling a void left by another

We'd see concerts at dusk
And dance under the twilight sky
Lightness would bloom
Where sorrow used to be disguised

We'd make love in the afternoon
And feel the weight of us two
Desire would burst through
Finally finding something that's true

We'd stay out late in the city
And kiss in the light pollution haze
Love would wash over us
Sticking where it never used to stay

But tonight,
You didn't even know my name
So I settled for a shy smile
From across the room as you looked my way.

Your love was a big lie

Full of promises

And crippled with shortcomings

Beaten down by pretty words

Shattered by desire



It felt warm to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was cold and unflinching

Only revealed to me

After everything was said and done



Your love was a heavy load

Weighing me down

And settling on my chest

Breaking every fragile rib

Until I could no longer breathe



It felt soft to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was sharp and treacherous

I only figured it out

After I was covered in blood



Your love was a fleeting moment

A breakneck affair

With no time to hesitate

You were here and then gone

Blowing my hair in your leftover wind



It felt lovely to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was ugly and vicious

Only discovering the truth

When it was too late



Your love was a big lie

A heavy load

A fleeting moment

A love that on the surface

Was warm, and soft, and lovely

But when I finally uncovered all your falsities

I couldn’t even stand to look at the man

I had fallen for.

We danced half-clothed in my bedroom
with a Beach House vinyl playing in the background.
The needle scratched the surface of its cold blackness
as we hovered just close enough
to feel the warmth of each other’s skin.

It spun around the center spindle
and grainy music poured out the speakers.
It filled the sunlit room with the most beautiful sounds
as I rested my head against you
and felt the strength of your arms around me.

Words were lost between us
as our hands did the talking
pressing each other closer with each verse.
The silence in the air filled with music
bursting with a chorus of love instead.

We moved together beat by beat
swaying back and forth to “On the Sea.”
Our feet taking the smallest steps to the side
as you cupped your hands under my jaw
and lifted my head so you could kiss me.

And in that moment,
everything that once was hazy and confusing
suddenly became crystal clear.
I realized that I had never felt more loved
than that one time we danced in my bedroom:
alone and half-clothed.

You could not contain her
But you loved her dreams
And how when she talked
They bloomed like flowers
Out of her pink mouth

You could not understand her
But you loved her mind
And how when she thought
The wheels in her head
Turned like gears in a clock

You could not tie her down
But you loved her mess
And how when she smiled
The frantic nature of her
Poured out like gasoline

You could not believe her
But you loved her honesty
And how when she laughed
It boomed across the room
And bounced around your brain

You could not hold her close
But you loved her body
And how when she touched you
Every bone shivered
And shook like thunder

But you could not love her
At least, not in the way she loved you
And when you looked at her
You knew it wouldn't last
So you hesitated
And watched her fall apart
With every small step back.

she had always said
her favorite color was yellow
for the girl with buttery skin and crystal eyes
it seemed rather fitting
yellow was the color of sunshine
and the color of her hair
after it had been bleached by summer
it was the color of the bumblebees
that drank from her favorite flowers
flowers that now
line her grave

she told you
her favorite color was yellow
because she knew you needed someone
radiant with light
to ease the depth
of your own darkness
so she said
when autumn arrived
you could watch the ground
become littered with yellow leaves
together

when you asked what color
lie beneath her skin
she told you it was yellow
she made herself believe
her body was freckled from stardust
and not from the amber glow
of cigarette burns
she still said
her favorite color was yellow
so she could continue being the light
in your colorless world

soon enough
your favorite color was yellow too
but not for the same reasons
she fell in love with it
you only saw yellow vaguely
in the form of teeth
stained from tobacco and too much coffee
smiling grimly through cracked lips
dripping poisoned honey
you guilded the word ¨love¨
with muted ochre lies

and now
she no longer feels the warmth
that once emanated
from her favorite color
she no longer tastes
the sweetness of butterscotch
and papaya on your lips
for you left her with nothing but
the sour residue of lemons and bile
as your gentle breath
extinguished her golden flames
and reduced her heart to ash

and now
she realizes that bumblebees
can also administer a piercing sting
and as she watches the sunset
with its amber hues
she no longer sees
the color yellow


x.

We tiptoed into the bathroom

Careful not to wake the others

And silently removed our clothes

They fell to the ground

Piece by piece

Your hands on me

Bit by bit



Your back pressed against the tile

As warm water poured over us

I ran my fingers through your hair

And let my hands fall

Shoulder to shoulder

Your mouth on mine

Lips to lips



The shower scene

Once, lovely and lively

Now, obtuse and obscene

A memory

Full of regret