her heart was bigger than most
or at least she thought so
feelings she wished to be a ghost
but that’s unrealistic, she should know

inside looking out
or outside looking in
either way, a new route
why not now, not when

life’s just an illusion
until you lose the one
you are fantasizing with

i will not completely crumble
but i will not become any less
of who i am

i feel lost
but have i ever been found?

deep down she was broken
beyond repair
from what was
and what could’ve been

she wished she could love herself
without constantly trying to change
who she really is

finding life and meaning
despite a broken heart

today
she felt slightly okay
and who knows how long
it will last
but we will embrace it
for now

she goes through each day
clinging to the hope that things
will get better
because what else is there to cling to?
now

she felt the wind in her hair today
and her drive made her feel something
roads winding every which way
who knows the destination they will bring

what hurts most
is loving with all of your being
and still not being enough

it’s time to find me
go back to the place i once was
become the person
my younger self would be proud of

bright bright
flowers
bright bright
vinyl
you laugh through life
like i walk through it
i admire the free will
you have created for yourself
never let it go
bright bright
mind

holding your hand
makes me steady again

being with you
revives my soul

holding you close
is my therapy

calling you mine
is my shelter

my shelter

a great barrier
holding back how i really feel
i've been happier
but it's so hard to heal

hold up the shield
just for the day
keep your heart concealed
don't put it on display

the shield is cracking
a fear of mine
brace for the impact
then you can draw the line

"shooting star!"
but i'm only looking
at you
"make a wish!"
but my only wish is you
wrapped in your arms
is the safest place on earth
i think
endless are the ways
you make my heart warm
endless are the days
i wish to spend with you
and it may be cliché
but you are my shooting star
and i love you

is it time to let go
of the me that i have known
all my life

it might be necessary
to prevent anymore pain
heartbreak is an option, right?

emptiness seems dramatic
but not anymore than feelings
i don’t know what to do

is it time to let go of the me
that always causes harm
more than the good

attached
are the strings
that hold your sound
like the strings
that hold your heart
the strings whisper,
"please stay"
but unfortunately
sometimes the knot slips
but you will be ok
because you learned how
to tie your heart
back together again

i will not forget the time
you told me i was worth it
because now it may seem like a lie
back then, i really believed it

hazy and oddly mystified
a filter holding me back
from what is good in this life

will i ever escape
the mental anguish of jail bars
hours they take
holding me back from who i was before

“there’s no sense
in holding onto something broken.”
but in my defense
i might be the “something broken”

a globe of countries

spinning, spinning

you place your finger

where you want to go

"your turn!"

spinning, spinning

my country seems to be

nonexistent

numb
trust me,
i know the feeling
but please
I beg of you
stay awake
just for a minute more
i want to hear your song again
i want to listen to the whispers of
your soul
keep your eyes open
stay awake please
for me

everyone has favorites
people
places
things
words
what are your favorites?
mine are the ones straight
from the
heart

success defined by a digit
all or nothing, which is it
no longer feel worth
granted i never did

chopped down with every number
burned and bruised by the red pen
but who's pen is really causing me this pain?
i'd rather not admit it
it's just success defined by a digit

how tragic would it be?
to lay my mind to rest?
oh how i want to
some days
sundays
numbness surrounds my being
and feeling wraps around my heart
too much
always too much
but don’t make a tragedy
no one has time for it

older times
spin in your mind
like a vinyl spins
the sweet crackle
replays in your mind
not quite the same now
sometimes
it takes an ending
to make you realize
the significance of what had
began

i look in the mirror
and suddenly see
a ghost
swallowed by the gloom
caged by each hidden room

unwanted by many
is it an illusion?
i sure hope so

what happened to
the figure behind,
the figure i once knew.

the first of the year
things don’t feel too different
but i am still here

the first of the month
things are beginning
what should i first confront

the first of the week
yet i am unsure
what is it that i seek

the first of next year
full circle
wonder if i’ll defeat this fear

the tree that was once there
is no longer
the bond i have with others
has not grown stronger
things change quicker than i can blink
and my least favorite hobby is to think
i wonder if i'll ever get over
those no longer
just like the tree
that was once there

this is not permanent
this feeling
this aching of my broken heart
remind my self everyday
this is not permanent

windows
each goal, pictured
through a window
which one will you climb through?
i know, but you can't enter
all at once
your brain is confident and pure
ready for any window that comes
your
way

attachment is an addiction
i can't seem to depart from
how do I break through
when i'm already broken?

why do i feel the incapability
to believe what is true
transported emotions
cloud my way of thinking

who gave them the right?
to journey through my mind
they aren't mine
so why do they haunt me at night?

this addiction is a mystery
to myself and others
why do i
c o n n e c t

why do i
d i s c o n n e c t

disfunctioned and disfigured
the vision of my brain
making all my senses triggered

i stare in the mirror and ask,
"should i go numb?
should i come up with a mask?"

the vehemence at war
ripping and shredding
at my dignity now ablur

i add a bit of hope at the end
in hopes that it will spread its wings
and let its heart extend

“trust me”
the thought of jerking the wheel glazes through my mind
“trust me”
wait, did i hear something?
“trust me!”
that can’t be what i think
“trust me!”
and as much as i really want to,
i run the other way
and i hid from the comfort
“trust me.”
and i have never regretted a no so much

twisting and turning
i am pulled in every direction
but mine

expectations stacked
higher than mountains
unable to climb

"no breaking allowed"
is the rule for me
but i might, sometime

you wear your heart
like you wear your sweater
proud, warm,
ripped
it still functions
just as before
maybe even better
a torn sweater
embraces the same

who made the rule
that unconditional love
is unaccepted
uncommon
unknown
some hearts beat
louder than others
so how is it fair to them?
too much
too little
too real

everyone seems to see
a dimmer version of meaning
than i do
it’s starting to mess with me

i loved too hard again
but i thought this would last
i will always remember what you said
it’s so hard to move past the past

what i’d give to be apart of
your world the way i used to be
give me five more minutes, love
see me the way you did before, please

every time my heart aches
i will say a little prayer for you

when will the journey
of finding myself
end?
i still don't know what to do
when my heart feels heavy
it's like a rock i am unable
to lift
but there has to be a trick
right?
my thoughts make me dizzy and i can't see
but maybe if i slow down?
no, i don't know
i don't know

ever since you left
i have felt the weight of my heart
completely like a brick

unexpected endings
have never sat right with me
was it all just pretending

i try to redirect my mind
but my God, i loved you
and i still do, all of the time

welcome to my soul
it’s quite extreme in here
mostly just to experience something
more than the feeling that overflows
more than the aching for something
i’ve never had
facts and feelings are blended
in a whirl wind of thoughts
maybe i need to learn
to accept myself
and all the non existing things
i am looking for
maybe i need to accept the fact
that i will feel forever

welcome to my soul

~ a letter to myself

you know that feeling
that main characters have
when they find themselves
and it’s like
the most significant moment of their life?
i feel like i’ve spent my whole life waiting for that moment

a small gazebo
a ukulele
a kiwi
and two
very much in love

without even knowing

life is anything but fair
you may be brave and you may be bold
but there is a point where you will be
b r o k e n
words of honey will be long gone
and you will be crushed harder than you ever imagined

but, there is healing,  i've heard
maybe it's not found in life changing events
maybe it's found in segments of joy
a segment of singing in the car
with the windows down can be
honey to your soul
and you won't only be driving on a road,
you will be on a road to healing
and words of honey
again.

would it be a tragedy
if we all died tomorrow?
we wouldn’t need anymore gravity
or even sorrow

would it be a crime
to not get back up again?
could we disregard the time?
would it be a sin?

my headspace is numb
i understand
this is frightening to some
no one can know i am unable to stand

wrapped in your arms
soft notes of adoration
fill the air in the coolness of night
my soul whispers, “stay forever”
and my heart echoes the sentiment

wrapped in your arms
the world melts away
and the only thing that remains
is the twinkle in your eyes
as we reflect each other’s smiles

wrapped in your arms
i never want to leave
hold me closer
so much closer
“30 minutes isn’t enough time
to hold you forever”

why do i go to writings to release my inner war?
poems, paragraphs, lines
isn't there a better way to get off the floor?
to escape from this mind that only confines?

do they even matter?
these writings of release?
sometimes they just make me shatter
fall apart piece by piece

should they be shared?
or hidden beneath my hollow heart
wouldn't they show if they cared?
i guess i would have to be the one to start