i like goodbyes
about as much as i like
my shoes coming untied

anticipating an absence
always throws off my balance
then my heartstrings come unraveled
with these tears i must battle

i like goodbyes
about as much as i like
believing all these lies

will there ever be a day
where i can smile and be okay
to say a hello with a happy sigh
and never worry about saying goodbye

"you are safe now."
whispers the deep
blue sea
kaleidoscope shore in the distance
stars dot the bottom of the ocean
each cloud another island to stop at
and catch your breath
"you are loved now."
whispers the deep blue sea
a feeling you haven't known
for awhile, or ever like this
deeper than the deep blue sea

my heart, my people

all gathered close

the stage overflowing with sentiment

hands linked and raised

as we take our final bow

tears of passion race

my heart filled with nostalgia

for a moment that hasn't passed

my soul feels the warmth of companions

who have become kindred

my heart, my people

a globe of countries

spinning, spinning

you place your finger

where you want to go

"your turn!"

spinning, spinning

my country seems to be

nonexistent

stronger than any rock
braver than any bear
opinions are vital
or so you thought
you run fiercely
towards the challenge
reflecting towards you
is it a reflection?

im at war
with my mind
and i don't know
why

why am i fighting?
what is the

reason.

swirling
spinning
thoughts
will i ever escape my own head?

when will the journey
of finding myself
end?
i still don't know what to do
when my heart feels heavy
it's like a rock i am unable
to lift
but there has to be a trick
right?
my thoughts make me dizzy and i can't see
but maybe if i slow down?
no, i don't know
i don't know

four strings
each with a
memory
a note
of something you will always
remember
a friend that will always stay
a friend that helps you
create
contribute
express
there's no way to thank it
but to keep strumming
and keep the strings alive
for they will keep you alive

"embrace the change"
but how do you embrace
the pain?
different is an alteration
i was not ready to face
offset emotions
offset mind
where are the things i know?
im bound to find out
that those things only exist
in the past
but for now
"embrace the change"
cause it can't all be bad

disfunctioned and disfigured
the vision of my brain
making all my senses triggered

i stare in the mirror and ask,
"should i go numb?
should i come up with a mask?"

the vehemence at war
ripping and shredding
at my dignity now ablur

i add a bit of hope at the end
in hopes that it will spread its wings
and let its heart extend

i know
the waves of your mind
are racing
and you don't feel
like you can catch up
but,
the slits on your arms won’t
heal the slits in your heart
instead, look for the fragments
of constellations through seconds
so many connections
some of laughter
some of pain
most of love
you have a place in this
globe of beings
you just forgot for a second
so dive
like you dive into your mind
into the world in front of you

welcome to my soul
it’s quite extreme in here
mostly just to experience something
more than the feeling that overflows
more than the aching for something
i’ve never had
facts and feelings are blended
in a whirl wind of thoughts
maybe i need to learn
to accept myself
and all the non existing things
i am looking for
maybe i need to accept the fact
that i will feel forever

welcome to my soul

~ a letter to myself

i feel
im trying to discover
something not yet
seen
is there something to discover?
there must be

is it empty?
or is there something
to that brain of mist

i need to know
show me how to know
who knows
how to know

what is the discovery?
is there one?

her heart was bigger than most
or at least she thought so
feelings she wished to be a ghost
but that’s unrealistic, she should know

inside looking out
or outside looking in
either way, a new route
why not now, not when

day by day i look for moments to hold
they seem to run faster each time
each one is a story to be told
maybe in the form of a rhyme?

where are the moments
when my heart is certain
the clock is my component
these moments hold just one person

i will learn to run faster
till i can catch up with that arrow
turning and rushing past her
that window is so so narrow

hold it close and near
love without limits
but when time seems to disappear
whisper, "5 more minutes."

numb
trust me,
i know the feeling
but please
I beg of you
stay awake
just for a minute more
i want to hear your song again
i want to listen to the whispers of
your soul
keep your eyes open
stay awake please
for me

glowing lights
a family of plants
a soft bed
a desk filled with art
a tapestry of mountains
a wall of polaroids
a map of all the places
i want to go
a window
that gives light
a peace
that can't be found
anywhere else

how heavy can I be?
written words are the solution
or so they seem
maybe they add to the confusion

where are the brighter days?
because it is getting dark so early
maybe this is only a phase
tomorrow i'll be better, surely

shaky hands seem to be my state
maybe one day i'll be steady
everyday i carry this weight
maybe one day i'll be ready

where are the better days?
sometimes i forget
but maybe by tomorrow's rays
we will be better yet

attachment is an addiction
i can't seem to depart from
how do I break through
when i'm already broken?

why do i feel the incapability
to believe what is true
transported emotions
cloud my way of thinking

who gave them the right?
to journey through my mind
they aren't mine
so why do they haunt me at night?

this addiction is a mystery
to myself and others
why do i
c o n n e c t

why do i
d i s c o n n e c t

i lie myself down
in the many ways
i disappoint
but who is it?
i really disappoint.
deeper than the ocean
are the desires of my heart
but somehow i still can’t
decipher
the aching of my soul
“i’m fine”
i really am
communication
is vital
but rules never said
it’s clear

a loyal heart
is ripped
over and over
for most aren’t as loyal
but they always run back
to trust
like an addiction
they can’t undo
certitude is necessary
but rarely achieved

a loyal heart
is mended
over and over
just in time
to rebound the loyalty
it wishes for in
return

all alone
inside the
vast space
where is the
exit?
“we’re here to talk”
but i can’t even comprehend
my own mind
all alone

i know
i may not live up
to your
expectations
small
curious
open
kind of like a
book
but please don’t
bash me
with your words
because i am a step
on the staircase
you are still climbing
and at 70
you will smile back
at me
and remember
the innocent heart
you once shamed

how tragic would it be?
to lay my mind to rest?
oh how i want to
some days
sundays
numbness surrounds my being
and feeling wraps around my heart
too much
always too much
but don’t make a tragedy
no one has time for it

darkness
pillows soaked in hot tears
a knot in your stomach just when you thought it went away
confusion, pain, unwanted memories
but i guess c'est la vie

morning
dreams that seemed so real
nostalgia as shower water runs over your face
dreary eyes, lack of motivation, slow movements
but i guess c'est la vie

afternoon
staring into the distance
songs that ring of remembrance
fake smiles, brimming tears, heavy breathing
but i guess c'est la vie

a small gazebo
a ukulele
a kiwi
and two
very much in love

without even knowing

older times
spin in your mind
like a vinyl spins
the sweet crackle
replays in your mind
not quite the same now
sometimes
it takes an ending
to make you realize
the significance of what had
began

holding your hand
makes me steady again

being with you
revives my soul

holding you close
is my therapy

calling you mine
is my shelter

my shelter

windows
each goal, pictured
through a window
which one will you climb through?
i know, but you can't enter
all at once
your brain is confident and pure
ready for any window that comes
your
way

it's too heavy
blundering boulders of weight
crash down on my weak soul
my legs unable to stand straight

i don't know how much longer
i can pretend
realness is my moral
and i don't know how much further
my conscience can bend

where is the end to the stream?
the stream of thoughts that flow
"give it time"
only time will show

how connected do you
really need to be
before you float
away
unsure for sure
but should that
dig deep in your stance?
answers unanswered
the unknown, unknown
mildly claustrophobic
from your own mind
fresh air
comes in segments
and only last a little bit
this is nonsense
but oh
it's all part of something

bright bright
flowers
bright bright
vinyl
you laugh through life
like i walk through it
i admire the free will
you have created for yourself
never let it go
bright bright
mind

“trust me”
the thought of jerking the wheel glazes through my mind
“trust me”
wait, did i hear something?
“trust me!”
that can’t be what i think
“trust me!”
and as much as i really want to,
i run the other way
and i hid from the comfort
“trust me.”
and i have never regretted a no so much

rosy red cut outs

is this the bearer of love?

it might be a vital *****

but even crucial comrades are broken

the vulnerable wear it on their sleeve

soft to feel

tender segments of you

beat through this plastered paper essence

its profession to adore

you may hold it, if you're careful

who made the rule
that unconditional love
is unaccepted
uncommon
unknown
some hearts beat
louder than others
so how is it fair to them?
too much
too little
too real

"shooting star!"
but i'm only looking
at you
"make a wish!"
but my only wish is you
wrapped in your arms
is the safest place on earth
i think
endless are the ways
you make my heart warm
endless are the days
i wish to spend with you
and it may be cliché
but you are my shooting star
and i love you

wrapped in your arms
soft notes of adoration
fill the air in the coolness of night
my soul whispers, “stay forever”
and my heart echoes the sentiment

wrapped in your arms
the world melts away
and the only thing that remains
is the twinkle in your eyes
as we reflect each other’s smiles

wrapped in your arms
i never want to leave
hold me closer
so much closer
“30 minutes isn’t enough time
to hold you forever”

sweet notes of you
fill my mind

and every time i hear a love song,
it's you i find

calming aromas of hope
deep in my soul

and every time i wonder how it came,
it's you that makes me whole

it's you

rain
falling
not too hard
not too fast
but with a steady beat
no thunder
no lightning
only the pitter patter
outside the window
it's safe
it cares
it is peace

heavier than a balloon
lighter than a brick
my mind to amuse
my heart beats quick

where are the questions
for the answers i ask
what is the obsession
with the profile i mask

my heart beats quick
lighter than a drum
and with every click
my fingers grow numb

or is it my mind
lighter than a drum
harder to find
than to overcome

intuition
is your inclination
"don't burden them"
you have to hold out
your own hands
do not reach out
keep your flooding thoughts
behind the doors
for if you open them
they will drown
and you will be
alone

you wear your heart
like you wear your sweater
proud, warm,
ripped
it still functions
just as before
maybe even better
a torn sweater
embraces the same

i look in the mirror
and suddenly see
a ghost
swallowed by the gloom
caged by each hidden room

unwanted by many
is it an illusion?
i sure hope so

what happened to
the figure behind,
the figure i once knew.

are your arms
strong enough
for all the things
you want to hold?
souls are heavier
than they seem
endure
don't grow weak
you must keep
your grip
don't let such important cargo
slip

thoughts
you try to throw them
away
into the sea
into the desert
into the abyss
but they stay
close to your mind
they love to stay
because they find comfort
in you
they make up your heart
though you may not feel
the same
maybe you need to learn
to feel comfort in them?

attached
are the strings
that hold your sound
like the strings
that hold your heart
the strings whisper,
"please stay"
but unfortunately
sometimes the knot slips
but you will be ok
because you learned how
to tie your heart
back together again

everyone has favorites
people
places
things
words
what are your favorites?
mine are the ones straight
from the
heart

am i only human?

inquiring eyes stare

an emerald painted imagination

but who really knows what is inside

even i wonder what is inside

the figure of your mind

disagrees with your heart

thought bubbles dance in the mirror

as you try to let yourself in