your tethered past
lingers and surfaces on days it chooses to
and i'm left guessing which mood will greet me in the
morning
i'll always live in your last love's shadow

wrap my arms around you and miss you
as if i've the right to
well, now we do
and we allow it

i drove
and parked the van
two houses down
in fear you'd see me in the mirror light
reflecting
on nerves
but i don't think you ever saw me then

i would walk
into the corner bar
and see you immediately
unmasked
heavy with two drinks in hand
ready to forget the day
and dive into the night
the night where we would play
husband and wife
for 12 hours at a time
and in the morning
i would wake up
wondering why
i was never good enough
for the rest of your 12 hours time

twice
on repeat

i draw out the heavier sighs
they come out linear
now
torn out from my mouth
no longer huddled inside my chest
i think my mind is still processing
events from the year
earlier on
i started off in a haze
January where I stood in the biggest city in the world
1 million people around me
and dear god, all i thought about was you
but you were long gone
and let me know it
feb and march
i rolled the dice
with love
and it was overwhelming
the blonde swept me away
what can i say?
when i was in it, i was in
two afternoons, i was away from you
and i slept in a hotel room in Boise
where i thought all signs made sense
i was alive
i was willing
and maybe i'm romanticizing a bit
but *******, everyone in that town
is so gentle and welcoming
you weren't there
but i wanted you to
april and may
were long and drawn out
sequences i don't clearly remember
still loving and tender
but realities were setting in
june was caustic and a prelude
to the unsettling July
July- my life paused there then
July- may it always?
July-a reminder that I am human
and that i am humbled
by liars
that i may have been a liar too
once
August was a slow burning rebuild
i leapt off my feet in September
because i had found you
the only you
that should have mattered
but like all things
it takes a while for me
to understand
to realize
that i love taking the harder routes
apparently
apparently
i'm still leaning a lot of things
october was beautiful
lean
and full of new stories
new behaviors
a corn maze where i fell in love with you
your gentle hands pressing the map
directing me
november was a laso
wrapped around agendas
i could feel the burning
of december
i always hurt in this month
so much ending
of so much
ending
please go quietly
i am asking you nicely
you
the only you
i've ever known
i want to know
what it feels like
to enjoy
a whole year

my longing for you cannot be known

Staring at the holy hands of the one woman i have truly worshiped
the only one who deserved it
I know I do not have it
And it had been 5 months since I saw her but at the mere sight of
her small self
those ears i adored
her arms that i knew so well
my chest broke in half and i had nothing to say
everything to say
but it’s not the appropriate time
good god- now’s not the time
so i held the words inside my throat
and stared at the sky while you were talking to your new roommate
about the brand of cigarettes you now smoke
and i remember always hating that you smoked
because i wanted you to live the longest life
because you were my favorite person
because in many ways, you still are
even though we hardly know one another
we will always know the major details
how our loyalty comes out during the important times
how we view cereal as a meal
how you know the stupid things i do to try to impress you
when i hate trying to with anyone else
yet we don't know any of the small details
like what each other had for breakfast
what our last t-shirt purchase was
or when we last cried
that is, until tonight
and there you were,
going on about how American Spirits are now a thing of comfort for you
and my mind can't help but wonder
what it is that you need comfort for
but tears are welling up in my eyes
so instead, i stare at the sky
and try to block out your speech with stars and unseen things

The night I met you
I drove 33 miles
Completely unaware of what was ahead
We met
And no one else existed
As your knee bumped gently against mine
And you grabbed my hand at the bar in the corner while your girlfriend talked to my friends
This fact-
This action that was once so exhilarating should have- in reality- been the red flag
I remember recording your voice
Because I knew the moment I heard it
You owned me
But now we don't speak
And soon I'll forget
How my favorite words sounded

the telephone feels foreign in my hands
when you call
your calls always come without notice
without fail though
once every 3 months
never more
sometimes less
and i have come to expect
nothing
and be happy with what i can get
your attention is devoured
enamored i am by your instability
what the **** is that with me?
i laugh and simply shake my head
because there is nothing simple about
lost love
or heartbreak
or letting go
and girl, i've let go months ago
but you keep your hook
left cleft
embedded in my lip
and you won't fully
let it roll

4th of july. you haunted me but now i thank you. you gave me what no other Holiday could. you showed me truth. you showed me ruin. you made this heart of gold turn into stone and then back into flesh. ready for something good, ready for something new.

the young girl
the one with the beautiful face
and strong arms
the southern drawl
the voice that cut clear across all rooms
my room
i made room for you
because i wanted to
you told me tonight
that we never had had to fight
for one another
but you are wrong
see,
all this time
i fought for you
when all signs
said to leave
but i'm no good at leaving
i stuck through
endless parades
celebrating how awful
we were
i saw through
the guidelines
and threats
i took it all as a blind warning
because all i saw was you
you
you
the blonde child at war with herself
and all i wanted was to love you
wholly
holy
humbly
turned myself inside out for you
only to find that
you would throw it away
in a five minute bind
i hope it was worth it
i hope it was
what you needed
i hope it was
true

i cannot shake you
i'd like to
i would prefer to
but since i cannot find the reason
nor the lesson
i fumble with my hands
before bed now
you humbled my being
and i guess i needed that
this beat down heart
never needed another beating
but there you went
i slow my breaths
how strange we humans
adapt

the pale gesture i make to speak to you
is small and adolescent
you must feel this as you hardly return

i am wearing the ropes thin
hoping to endure what i can
until i give in
and finally forget about
what it was that i even
was hoping for

i don't get ya sometimes
i'm trying

it's in small moments
when we are honest with one another
and i wish these small moments
lasted longer
so that we could actually grow from them
rather than just mind **** each other

i want to know you
i want to adore and endure this
i want to learn you
i want to love you
i want to understand how easily you change time
and your mind
and your glance

you asked me the other day if you think we are compatible
i haven't been able to shake off your question
because i never once doubted that
but by you asking, it shows you have

and i have nothing to say about that
other than
it's just sad.

give me
the night
to lay in
i'll wrap my arms
around the hours
until i swallow the age in
ageless or aimless
are we now?
i can't keep my head in this
so instead
i gaze out
and fade in
bow out
because the body is tired
of repercussions
give me anything
to feel sentimental
over
and i'll adore it
like i've never known
love
before

could go crazy over
this
over
analyze
over
think
this
but i'm over
over thinking
so you come to me
with what you will
when you will
and that's just what we call life,
now ain't it?

okay.
so, i learn from trial and error.
once again.
i know that i need to assess and assemble,
gather and gamble,
toss and change
what it is that has me restless.
okay.
so, i learn that i need to enjoy time
alone
withdrawn
but i do that a lot
anyway.
use the past as a model
for what worked
and what was done
and look forward to
mistakes, love and those
moments
it feels good to be
alive.

dark skin
light heart
you always had a way of making me feel
completely invincible
you still do
even if i don't speak to you

Laying in
Another town
In a solemn bed
Not my own
I realize
You were never
My own
To begin with
I salute to the sky
I once believed to be endless
And nod to the rhythms
I felt long before this
Singing softly
Mouthing in numbers


A  N  G  E  L  E  S

I'll be that open book
You don't wanna read
Just yet
But are intrigued by it's weathered pages
Give me a little attention
And I'll tell you my whole life story
No lies, no glory
All of me
Because I know how not to give anything less

archaic
like the times
i used to play basketball
in the street in front of my house
with my brother
(David)

archaic
like the times
i sat on my bed
crossed legged and
filled with wonder
(terra)

archaic
like the times
you would braid my hair
and i knew you loved me
(Faith)

archaic
like the times
we finished each other's poems
on the rooftop of your tiny bedroom
(Lucas)

archaic
like the times
you took me for night drives
and we listened to new music
without speaking
and i knew that we didn't have to
(Strands)

archaic
like the time you took me
to Stinson Beach and
we played basketball
on a tiny heath
and you kissed me
wholly
fully knowing
we wouldn't last
(Strands)

archaic
like the times
all the times
these lives
that we live

no armor
needed
when it comes to you

only ardour,
undressed.

your love
it gives
your love
it tests

my initial thoughts
on what it was that
i even thought loving is

i sit here
now
with thoughts
in a line
stacked
i like them that way
refrain
an endless longing for your teeth on my wrists
so that you may get
it in
argon
all along
all gone

It is here
I was so blind
To realize
You have always deserved it all

on the sidewalk
i learned
how to long
how to wish
for someone
how to make
things up
with a suitcase
and hopes in my palms
i searched hopelessly
down that street
every day
waiting for
what was i waiting for?

Babygirl told me to own that ****
so I'm gonna own that ****
gonna wrap my legs and heart around it
'til the armor, it cannot fit

Babygirl told me to own that ****
so I'm gonna own that ****
gonna wrap my legs and heart around it
'til you cannot but feel this *****

How strange
How strange
It is to love
How strange
How strange
It is at all

I sit here
In this ***** bar
With you
And we talk about my last attempt at love
And my god
What a failure it was
You- you were always so available
For a short time
And I was caught up in denial and grief
For a shorter time
And now we share ideals over Mexican food
And I hold in
The very thing I would love to say to you
But darling
I won't
Because time seems to never be on my side
These days
Or maybe my entire life
So, instead
I'll think of you
As you sit in front of me
Never knowing
Or maybe you already do

another morning where i leave a bed
unmade
and taunt myself with memories of you
and i
you hold my hand
in measures
almost apologetically at times
and i understand why
because we're both waiting for the reprise
young love
you've got me
wrapped up in denial and so many wishes
i kiss this
drawn out hit list
and stare out at what i've missed
all along
and it's the accountability
of making one's own bed
each morning
before
i leave you

time goes slow
against the backdrop
of another bedroom
another wall
i cling to
i was surprised with how welcome i felt here
i want to live here for a while
and discover
all that
i looked over
(you)

i lapse
in a moment of space
where you were talking
and i think about
love
and romance
there's such a difference
i understand this now
as i sink my head further into the pillow

love is dog eared
spread thin
and getting thinner by the hour
taking courage to sustain
in small doses of subtle hints of reality
pulling at your neck line
(can i have the noose already?
i swear, i've thought about dying since I was 8 years old)

romance
on the other hand
is heavy
light
everything all at the same time
a stagger
a limp
a shrug
a heavy sigh
someone giving you their favorite bracelet in a bathroom
writing your name
perfectly
in small sectors

of a bedroom
i once adored
i mourn you
tonight
a shape
is what
love and romance
has come down
to for me
a feeling
so morose
i long for it to be gone
to be known

I liked it better
When you were a stranger
Some pretty stranger
Who never hurt me
Someone I could stare at
Blindly
Someone I could daydream
Of
Before I knew the sound of your voice
Before I knew the salt of your skin
You were some reverie I liked to sleep in
You were worlds unknown
Never to begin

laying on top of your body
circling an outline with my tongue
around your heart
above your lungs
between your thighs
below your gums

i do it so it feels real
i do it so this never ends
the sensation of skin on skin on skin on
will make you human again

Trying to tell you this when I'm sober
I fumble down my words like stairs
As if I've never learned how to navigate gently

But that night
We stuck to the bar and to each other's thoughts and confessed the smallest details- the ones that usually make all the difference
And I saw you in a new light- one where I could finally understand your mind

You and I- we are more alike than we realize
The things that bother you are the same things that bother me
We just never said it out loud
Until that night

That night you kissed me again with a glorious fervor
It made my entire body shake and my heart sank onto your floor
And sifted to the foot of your bed
Wanting more
Wanting nothing at all
But your hands and your skin and your mind and your time all over me
And you gave me just that
And it was beautiful.

In the morning, you woke
Delirious yet loving still
And our smiles bespoke what we never will again
We were happy and thoughtless and yielding
See, this love could be so easy if we let it be

But I understand now where it is you go when I can't quite read you
Your mind turns inward
And your body language follows
When you think I have another
It is not so
When you think of another
I will understand
You have many things to think about
I just want to be one of them

A
Thought that makes you smile
A
Thought that makes you feel this is worthwhile

How does one forget them?

How do I live through them?

How can I not?

"remember the time we were alone?"

i could never forget
how romance stays
under the tongue
through the lip
between the teeth
all i see
are
memories
of you
and
me

and here you are
looking
beside me
inside me
i cannot see beyond it
beyond you
i feel your absence
i see into it
looking away
logic would say that i should not miss you this much
being the short time we have known each other
but logic has nothing to do with tonight

I trigger your bicep
and kiss you down to the marrow
my aimless heart takes shape
in the ridges of your hand

every line of your skin
every freckle, every gland
is a detail i want to inhale
until it sticks to the ribs, until i see where it lands

I say mama
I'm blessed
but I'm a mess
that a woman has made me
and if you were around to see
you'd be ashamed
one, two many times
i've knelt on the floor
head to the boards
moaning her name
followed by the strange sensation of
"why"
for whole nights, i wept
i could only do that
i loved her
i loved her hard
so much in fact,
i couldn't keep much else in my life in tact
everything else fell apart at the seams
as my eyes
they never strayed
from the blonde parade
that was roaming inside of me
and now,
i lay down with the sound
the noise has died off
but the silence sticks around
i dwell
in moments when i am alone because i can
and when i start to get sentimental
i am reminded
that i could have never been her girl
never been her man
never been more than what i already am
time has no table
love has no line
and we've got nothing but time

in a perfect world

i sat
my body still
endlessly pining over your love and death
how it all felt the same back then
how it all feels seamless now
as i cup the truths in my hands
and tear apart each one
out of my head
onto my temples
i place
my index fingers
and feel what it is
that makes this skull
work
some heavy blood and bone
some heavy love, that's all

my grandmother
once held my hand
many nights,
she would explain
the process of loving
and i would simply nod my head
to justify
the heartbreak i've always felt
as a young child

my father
once held my neck
against the bathroom wall
possibly in his anger
possibly in this love
and told me that
i looked ugly when i frowned
and i would simply nod my head
to cancel out the sound
that came from him
(smile)

my mother
lost a lot
at a young age


and you
you bring all the
blood line memories
back
with your reckless love
that has truly wrecked me, love
now why you'd go ahead and do that?

today i stared at the sky
how could i not?
every cloud a memory of you and i
nothing so riveting as the blank color of blue and pink
you, once so familiar to me
now gone grey
now gone, entirely
i stopped on the side of the road
and mouthed out loud
"look, the sky. it's for you"
as if i held the answers in my hands
here, i'll give them all to you
as we fumble though this life
not knowing what to do
from morning to night
in that moment,
our love and our demise
all made sense to me
i forgave you
and you forgave me
and finally
maybe
there was no guilt left
this time
only hues of clouds
blue and pink

nights
where you end up on me
in me
all over
better to be consumed with the body
before the brain

here i am again
trying to write something down
that makes sense
when nothing seems to make sense
i can't quite remember when it used to

an old friend killed herself three nights ago
and i still can't think of much else
than the time she wrote me
asking me if she could use one of my simple songs
to help tell a story
or the time she started dating the man
who tried to date me
how silly life seems
right now
as i sit on a stranger's bed
writing out my failures
strung out before me

Brianna,
your voice haunts me
as you sing about heartbreak in a room with no walls
the space enveloped around you

i wish we had more time
i wish i could have told you more
more than anything, i wish i could have listened

to anything you wished to share
to everything you couldn't speak

i wish we had more time.

one of these days
i plan on burying you
in the left corner of my gregarious backyard
it will be such a strange sight
how land so fraught can fold into smaller loves
let the dirt turn you over
until i've nothing left to scour
my devotion pealing off me
like a strange leaving
into the ground
goodbye, heavy hour
farewell

this state is lonely
i sit on the porch watching a foreign sunset
don't believe for a second that i'm not grateful for it
but i really wish someone would cut through what aimless
perceptions they all seem to have about what it is that I do
and how exciting it all must be
when the reality of too many hours alone
stuck in rooms
missing birthdays
pretending Holidays don't matter
just to get through the day without crying
losing lovers because they can't seem to hang with
watching the calendar anymore
(and who can blame them)
forever missing something
someone
anything, everything
because you are constantly gone

but I say this in the moment.
i know for a fact that i would
rather be lonely my entire life
than be stagnant or underwhelmed.

i want calm
not to be
just another number
for her to call
when she is feeling
alone
but i allowed that
so pay the consequence
of allowing yourself
not to make sense
and when will i
hold myself accountable
for letting in
what is not healthy?
for what is not kind?
for what is not right?

in a brand new house

with a brand new girl

with brand new dreams

living a brand new world

you could call me jaded

maybe that’s so

you could call me bitter

but i could call it simply “low
when you’re up so high

and your love seems so tall

i am singing down here

backwards from it all

with a chain to my chest

while you pull me so slow

but you act oblivious, darling

when you’ve been nothing but “mr. know it all”

such a heavy love
at times, i choke
on the shape
of forgetting you

This city
Every square inch
Of pavement
Even the trees
Remind me of you
I lift my head
To see past it
Stare straight into another memory
But you-
You don't want to hear
About romance
Or how even brick
Breaks my heart
Because all I see in it
Is you.

I want patience                        I want patience
Give it to me                            Give it to me

I want patience                        I want love
Give it to me                            Give it to me