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Shiennina Marae Mar 2015
I still choke on the idea of someone else thinking
he knows how to love you*
Says it often but always chooses not to show it
He has his handwriting on your body
Screaming you're fragile, all bones and questions
Metaphors and splatters of hatred
I tried to tell you you're more than that
I tried telling you
You believed the etches he left on your skin
He knows what's best for you
but chooses to not let you have that
Blinds you with empty promises of a better plan
Every day he lets you see your sunshine
Steals it, keeps it and lets it die in his pockets
He is your shadow
Defining you in the worst words possible
Leaves everytime the times get tough

I let out the longest sigh, begged the heavens
Not to let me see you settle for anyone short of deserving
Every second you're not with me
You already are
Killing the soul made for you
My soul
Yours

I never told you why I hated him
I never told you I kept all these feelings I have for you
I never told you I still have them, written on my skin
Waiting for the right time to let you read them
To MM, not asking you for anything, but to be okay. You won't lose me.

11:15 AM, March 18, 2015
Shiennina Marae Mar 2015
Some days I get up just to get by
I get up, get through another day with nothing in my heart
I look at the streets, the leftovers from last night's wasted decisions
What I would do to have another night feeling everything at once
The drunk and sober thoughts clashing
All the bad decisions after every tequila shot
Lately I have to pinch myself to feel something
To feel like I still exist, I hate that
I know in my heart I need to get my **** together
But honestly, how does anyone get to do that
I am actually losing grip on my self
It's like drowning in all these thoughts
But never wanting to gasp, never wanting to catch my breath
Maybe it's because I'm self-destructive, or self-loathing
Whatever it is, please tell me, I'll take it
I would take anything
Just tell me what this is

Feeling nothing is like getting slapped
in all your parts you never knew existed
Like drinking medicine for a friend's fever
Like taking a bullet for a stranger in another country
Like drinking cold coffee on a freezing day
Like being exposed to the sun and still wanting the scars
Like watching someone fall for you, and you, fall for yourself
Like actually liking being forgotten and left behind
Feeling nothing is like clashing, crashing, burning
and never wanting to be fixed by hands that shake
*It just does not make sense
Somebody help me, I want to feel something, please

9:19 PM, March 29, 2015
Shiennina Marae Mar 2015
By all means, write love notes to her
Leave it on places she won't expect
On her back pocket, her locker, on her hand
Her phone, her lips, her tongue
Leave love notes on her doorstep, with your head tilted for a kiss
And if she ever writes notes to you, keep them
I beg you to keep them
Keep them in your heart, mind, and soul
Keep them hidden on your nape, your thighs, the edges of your ears

Memorize the way she writes when she's okay
Especially when she's having a bad day
The letters tell another picture, decipher it
An extra period on her texts messages means she's kidding
An exclamation point means you're dead to her
A question mark will be the death of your soul
(That is how I got myself killed)
She has grown to like the mysteries she has built over the years
I tried to understand, I tried to spell them out
Nothing came close to how she wants to be understood

Please keep the notes, keep her notes
You will never know how little you have of them
Until she leaves you with only 6 pieces of paper
With words of empty promises
The ones she used to tell her past lovers to stay for a while
But leave soon enough
The scent of her wrist slowly leaving
And her handwriting fading
Blots of ink from your tears

*(Words that I wish that I could etch upon my skin
But unfortunately, I already know
that I would just run out of space)
To her new lover (*******, man, and take care of her, you *******)
&
To my ex (you are one hell of a partner but I am done chasing after someone who wouldn't even pause for me)

2:43 PM, March 15, 2015
Shiennina Marae Mar 2015
I have always wondered what it would feel like to have someone who chooses to see the good and bad, see them as complementary, eventually making you the greatest person anyone can ever see.

Someone who will see the hidden secrets on your skin and turn them into answers; the life long questions you begged for answers when you were still young and free. Someone who never gets tired of your random thoughts, loves them, and keeps them safe. Someone who will cradle your mind as if it was her own, your demons are her comfort, hers are your partners-in-crime.

Someone who will see your passion as her own, and will always see to it that she supports you every step of the way - every open mic night, every art gallery, every indie band, every book you read, every dream, every heartbreak, every moment of silence.

Someone who will see past your weaknesses, draw on them with purple and teal pens so they turn from your fears to breathtaking laughters. Someone who is not afraid to step on your toes, guides you through surviving, and lets you be your own galaxy of perfection.

Someone who will eagerly find a way back to you, even when it's raining, even when it's way past your bedtime, even when you just got out of bed, even when you are all messed up, even when you're just thinking you **** things up every time you get a chance to, even when you're empty and numb inside. Someone who will make you feel something.

Someone who will make you see the calm, the pure, the truth, the reality in all the things her hands touched. Someone who will leave you with bruises from her poetry, the pain piercing through every vein you thought stopped pumping.

Someone who will be there during the drowning, the claustrophobia, the bubble of your self-destruction. Someone who will hold your shaking hands, kiss them, and let them do what they do best: turn everything into art, including yourself.

With all your flaws, you need someone who will remind you that they are her puzzle, her late-at-night-how-do-I-understand-this puzzle. Someone who will spend nights trying to come up with answers, and tells you honestly when she can't. Someone who will burn your hands when you hold them, and treat them with utmost care.

You deserve someone who will always see you in your best form, even if you are raining on her parade every day of your lives together. You deserve home-cooked meals, couch-cuddling, late night walks and conversations on places you would think as weird, constant reminders and the genuine reassurance that you are worth it.
You are that someone for my soul, M. In time, I hope you let me be that someone for you, too.

10:18 PM, March 22, 2015
Shiennina Marae Mar 2015
In my years of practice, I have known how to deal with losing
How to cope with the pain, the hurt, and all the baggages
It usually takes me 7 bottles of beers, a shot of tequila,
and a drunk call every night for 3 months
I have known how to deal with the questions, asked to me everyday
by every person who has come to know my story
I have mastered how it is to struggle with the memories
the pictures, clothes on the closet, writings on my walls
the letters, the texts messages, the whispers behind my ear
I have known how to deal with people leaving
I am not the person everyone remembers first when they say forever
I am not the person anyone remembers
I am always the person they try to forget
scrub away from their skin, the poison in their blood stream
I have come in peace with the art of leaving

You came and all that crashed, all down the drain
All my preparations for the storm, gone
You came and all my heart could do was try
not to explode every time I steal glances your way
I tried not to take our conversations
as something you looked forward to everyday
I tried to stay away but my soul gets tired of pulling away
It knows what it wants, and you know I won't give up without a fight
I know you're not going to stay but **** it
My ******* soul recognizes yours
It has gone all out to make you see how much they know each other
Why do you have to set camp here, where it's a mess and nothing is good enough for your hands, your fingers, your touch
Why did you let me in, where all I could do is stay in awe of how enough I am for your late night random phone calls
Why do you have to tell me you have feelings for me but let me stay in places where no one recognizes me -
your heart still silently wishes it wasn't me
your soul still searching, something that does not resemble me

I have always told you to never settle
But now I am telling you I am willing to be the purple bruise,
the reckless bump on the wrong side of the table
the turn that leads to places only we know of
the stubborn decision over bottles of beer, breaths of poison
the speed dial # 2, the drunk dial, the **** dial, as long as you call me
the bad poetry, the rhymes that do not add up to a beautiful piece
the last drop of ink on your teal pen
the favorite shirt but is too short, too used to still use
the photo, kept in the dustiest part of your closet
the secret, the well-thought off outsider
the painting you never get the time to finish
the almost

I have always been the person who leaves
*I'm going to stay
For the first time, I don not know the right words to say and the right things to do, M. Come back home soon.
Shiennina Marae Mar 2015
I hope I do not live to see the day
When I could be genuinely
Intensely happy
(Without your approval,
Without your hands ticking my clock,
Without you)

And bump into your sad, empty eyes
Hands waiting for the warmth
Talk to you again
Like we used to

You know I'll be back
Running, breathless
With all your memories in my hand

Late at night I think about this
But then,
I don't want you back
Do not come back.
9:01 PM, March 26, 2015

— The End —