You hurt me
in the most
beautiful ways

Beauty comes from contrast, they said
I saw you, then, passing by me at the coffee shop
You were holding a book with one hand
Awkwardly fixing your backpack on your shoulder
You were one-strapping it, so attractive
Your hair looks like a bird's nest
You ordered a muffin, laughed a little at the barista
Ouch, that hurt
I should make you laugh that way
I got the courage to come up and say my name
All went well
But ended so badly
Stupid, stupid decisions I made
Days passed, months, years
I sat in the same chair at the coffee shop
In search of something beautiful
Wandering the dead-end streets
Only to find myself
Helplessly
Walking back to your eyes

For someone with OCD
I always tried to keep everything organized
Just the way they are
The spaces between my pillows
The locks in my room
The food I like
The clothes I let live on my closet space
Always the same, consistent
Scared of change, the slightest ones **** me
When you came, it was like hurricane
On my closet, you placed a pile of your clothes
To my food, you added herbs
On my bed, your side of it and a pillow
To my choices, another opinion
It was terrifying
Why the sudden changes
Abruptly and awfully painful
I always locked people out of my life
I check on it, too, maybe 23 times a day
Just to make sure
But for you I keep my heart right here
Unlocked
And ready for your taking

She was scared
Terrified
Only now did someone got her
Someone actually got her!
Her shock and paranoia
Traced on her hesitation
No, I'm not easy to read, she tried
Yeah, you are, he insisted
She looked away
Not wanting to give in
You're better than this,
You can do better, she inhaled

Words ran dry
I have nothing else to say to her
My safe harbor, heart and soul
I can only wish that she sees me again
Like the way she first did
In the train, while I was reading her favorite book
She was a mess
A lot of things needed figuring out
I was someone she thought she was finally sure of
Someone she can hold on to
It pained me to see her struggling to say my name
Not without spitting out regrets
I didn't even try
She gave up eventually
She stood there, trying to ease the pain I caused her
It is silly how words can get you something
Someone you've dreamt of
And how words can take her away from you
Take your whole world with her, too
"I don't know what to say," I said
She let out a sigh
"Mm-hm."
On the brink of screaming my lungs out
To let her know what I've been through
I lost myself for a little while
All those times, I thought:
"It's all going to be worth it."
She stared at my hands,
"I'm not the one for you."
I coughed, all the rusting pain inside me finally easing out
I picked up all her shattered pieces
Found her utterly intoxicating
She killed every part of me when she said,
"I have to go."
I lost her.

How strange it must be, I thought,
to find myself, in the midst
of a remarkable afternoon,
suddenly holding hands with the girl
who could rain fire down upon me
at a moment’s notice
She always walked on one side of me
silent and brooding
never letting go of my arm
I hummed to myself
and kicked at stones
I've waited for this
And now, I have her
Her, my only chance
"Take my arm, love.
Don’t run.
I can fix you."
My last sentence caught her attention
She looked at me
Those eyes that can make my knees wobble
I saw how vulnerable I made her feel
She hated that
Her feelings exposed to a stranger
I despised myself for saying that
I hated myself even more when she said,
"Go away. I don't need to be fixed."
Holding her face
I knew I can't redeem myself
The love I've waited
Gave everything for
Already giving up on me, on us
She let go of my hand
Also my heart
"I thought you're someone,
Someone who'll make me feel
I wasn't broken at all."

Imagining the girl frightened
Trembling somewhere up ahead
Talked to her as I went along
Doing my best
Reassuring her I meant no harm
My words came
Slapping back at me in a disorienting echo
She asked me to leave her alone
Finding her comfort in silences
Content with the routines, the usuals
Her holy place, very deceiving
The contrasts she loved
I stepped on her words
Said I cannot bear leaving her on her own
Now that I'm here
She didn't have to be
I gave her all that I had
Answered with only a shake of her head
Telling me she doesn't want me around