I'm suffocating in my own tears

Home isn't anywhere I'm familiar now.
I am trying to be better.
But my tears bring headache
But it's less painful than what the heart feels
I just wish to be home but
Where is home

You tuck away your lies in a blanket of tragic desperation.
A sweet song of your profound love turned sour without me noticing
Regret isn't what I am made of because of you.
I am free, and willing to love again because of myself.

I can stay awake all night just to hear you sleeping soundly,
I would tuck you in with lies of how well I'm doing just to make you feel okay,
All this while I thought burying these sadness would promise sunshine and joy for everyone
And yet It was a grave mistake especially to the one I truly love.
I cannot fully express
How much disastrous it is
For me to go on like this.
So for myself, I'll try to breathe in a better habit
To face my fears and battle with it
Just to make my loved ones okay,
And to make me better.

Reasons not to love me.
Number one.
I'm too kind, too forgiving
It won't be fun for you to watch me suffer and feed your ego because while you expected for me to be in flames I was still, swimming in the ocean of the love I have yet to discover parts of it.
Reason number two.
I cry a lot. I cry when I'm happy I cry when I'm sick I cry when im mad I cry when you give me your  big, warm and sweaty palms for me to hold when I'm in need of an embrace. I do not cry when I am sad.
Instead, I weep, I sob and I moan in agony and oh crying is just tears but those involve body movements like holding my face with my hands or putting my hands on my chest as if I'm holding my heart from it bursting out in pieces like the confetti we saw that night when you told me I was beautiful.
Reason 3.
I love too much. I love too hard. It will scare you away trust me because I dont think you could overpower the amount of love I could give to you, honey if I had to give you my heart to you, I would. Literally, I would die for you. I would wrap your fears and hush you a lullaby reminding you that I love every pieces of you that aren't pretty. You are worth the risk for me. Every single day, I convinced myself my tears at night are worth it. Until you left me. That's when I know it was all a waste, an illusion a dust. It was all that to you. You let me dive into your ocean of your once proclaimed everlasting love and I let myself drowned.
So don't love me. Please.

My dear did you gave me only your leftover love
From all the past lovers of yours
Is that why our love was short-lived?
Is that why you gave it all at the start
And only left me with small amount of remaining
That I have mistaken for a tired lover
Whose heart needs space and time

When you actually need is
Definitely not a girl
That loves you from the surface of the oceans
To the depths within.
If you love the rainbow
That brightens up the sky after a storm
I would run towards the end of it
Capturing every ray of colors
So you could witness its beauty anytime
After all my heart is yours to keep
Not to break.

I understand you need to leave this house that I built for you
For whatever reasons it may be
This house is no longer making you feel home
This house misses your traces
So I cleaned this house again and again
To remove your traces
This house is a spot I made in my heart
That you somehow managed to mess it up
Again and again.

My love
You are a constant in my dreams
Why can't you be one in my life as well?

If I do not look for you when I cry,
Do not worry as I may be looking for Him
When the pain seems to much and the fear engulfs you more than it should,
I look for the One,
Who is greater than the worries I face,
And that does not mean
I trust you less,
It means that no power in this universe is greater than Him,
Our Lord

Tragic is she the one with a beaten soul
Tired by one's own desire and greed
You feed your soul with poison and wonder why your heart is a never ending cycle of broken hope and melancholic song.
My love take care of your gift from God
The heart is at the centre
Because everything revolves around it
Be careful not to give it away
For it may lead yourself astray

I hope you'll know
that my love for God
takes me home to you.
good night my dear.

I am going to tell you something,
This will hurt you more than you could imagine
You know the pain, very well
the scars in your heart
Is a strong reminder.

He will love someone else.
She will be in love with him.
They will be perfect for each other.
She lights up his eyes more than you did to his.
She fills his days with laughters and joys more splendid that you did.
He's going to place her carefully in a place in his heart,
The place Where you used to be.
He's going to walk with her
Gently, always by her side.
Like he used to do to you.
Her eyes will cry tears of joys,
Giggles in his car,
Drive thrus after watching movies.
Ice creams after heart to heart conversations.

They will make promises to each other
They will build a life together, living harmoniously, side by side
Through sunrises and sunsets.
Walk by the beachsides
Hand in hand.
From eye to eye.
They are made. For each other.

She will be his world.
And she will not be you.
And you will be okay.
I promise.

I am allowed to break.
do not tell me that I can't break in one second because of a person.
because if the person is someone you give your heart to and someone you're risking your heart to then
I am allowed to break. to shatter. to mourn.
but dear tell me
That breaking helps.
if breaking is the only way for me to be close to God then by all means I am fine with the pain in dunya hits me like this
it damages the bad side in you
breaking my heart into pieces
and to be formed into a new piece
into a new self
to be broken is a blessing in disguise.
you just have to find those blessings despite your damaged heart
sometimes when the dark side of life hits you
that's when you can see those stars light up the sky
and when you're drowning
that's when you can actually breathe inhaling the truth and exhaling the pain.
so hey. don't tell me not to break
teach me instead how to live with a damaged heart

my body feels peace
but my heart is shattered
I am half dead
and half alive

Your strength
Is what reminds me that storms aren't forever.
Your tenderness
Is what reminds me that to give will never reduce what you have.
Your voice
Is what makes my fears subside, slowly.
Your bravery
Is what strives me to finish my battle no matter how long.
Your love
Is what makes me alive everyday.

"I love him."
as I remind myself
that to love is to trust.
but why is it the word love
so oftenly used yet I still doubt you.

Shall I speak of my beloved?
Of his warmth,
That melts this coldness within,
Shall I count the days of laughter,
Of his silly behavior,
That charms this heart,
Shall I sing my profound love,
Of his kindness and empathy,
That touches others endlessly,
Shall I draw his smile,
That always lightens up a spark inside,
A garden full of flowers bloom in me
When I see you smile.
Shall I say these words
That's always been repeated but never once looses its meaning,
I love you, for as long as God wills.

Love is risk
Against all odds,
I will still want you
Love is time
Every time I look at you
I'd still choose you
Every distance that separates us both two
I'd still wait, patiently for you
Love,
I am scared of the uncertainty.
You don't ever know because
If it's meant to be it will be.


If one day my soul leaves my body,
would your heart be shattered and wounded
as you grieve for me?
We don't have the power to decide our fate
if you love me please
please do not grieve too long
for the soul may only heal with the remembrance of Him
I may not know till when I shall live
but as long as He wills
I will stay and love you still

17 months after
The thought of you makes me wonder
Late at night weather or not
If you have found the next to chase after
Gladly I shall express my profound gratitude
However shall there be a slight uneasiness
In this heart
When you distance away from me,
From my tragic, indecesive self.
I do not ask you for forgiveness
Nor do I ask of you to return to my embrace
All I ask, from this slight selfishness within
For you to only find another
When I think of you no longer

Dont say sorry
as if it's going to make me feel better
dont say sorry
as if it'll make my shattered pieces come back together piece by piece
dont you say sorry
as if it's going to erase everything that we had
as if it's going to erase everything you've ever said to me
as if it'll make me stop crying late at night. sobbing. hurting. it hurts so bad and all you do is stand there and say sorry.
don't you dare say sorry
as if you regret
loving me.

How a story begins with flushed cheeks and breathless hiccups,
How a heart that is too weak
for disappointments and failures,
As you dive into the sea of your own self loathe,
By drowning you'd know that
your heart still eagers to beat
That your spirit still yearn to live.
And from solitude you finally feel
solace

In you I see strength,
In me I know hope,
In Him I feel serenity.

I sense a small spark
Wanting to burst out
But poor soul
For the body too often
Go for others to seek validation
Fly away dear soul
Find your way back home
To where the fire
Can combust fiercely
And not to be extinguished
By the weakened spirit

Woke up okay
But hard to get up
Because you're drowning in tears
It felt like years
Patient my dear
For it has only been day two

Underneath the moonlight,
Genuine laughters were heard
We were young, and happy and blessed, though a bit stressed.
The grass field shall be our witness,
That we were still living,
With joy, amidst the pain that is scarred into our hearts.

It was almost a day
But I couldn't wait
So I say
Is this real
To which they reply
Yes it is

My heart is the bomb ticking,
Waiting to be explode,

I am a beaten soul
Damaged like a broken promise

You are an empty being
Like your words, your heart is a void.
You filled it with boastful laughters
That just echoes in you and is never a permanent melody
Like my voice telling you not to leave.

I am feeling all the pain
Repeatedly
That I have memorized each type and how bad they feel.
They all have a common source,
Your biggest fear, hello betrayal
Funny I wasn't expecting you so soon again.
Funny I thought I won't remember you anymore
The soon betrayal forcefully made an appearance
All the lines, all the lies all the anguish
They form one shape and is once again memorized in me

Your happy face
Is a dreadful thing to see
While my heart is a battleground
At war with all the feelings colliding with each other.

I do not wish to see you anymore.
I wish those lines are true.

How was it like
Before nighttime become
"In need of your attention" time
How did it felt like
Before the moon now reminds me of you
When was the last time for me
To be happy and content by my own solace
How was it
When I do not require any assurance
How was life,
Before I'm in love with another

When the foundation of love isn't strong,
It means that the inner child in you
Has never felt that love.
And so forth, that inner child shall search for love
The way she understands how love is.

Sometimes, there are things in life
That ascends any rational judgement
It works in an abstract way
It moves in respective to how a soul perceives it.
Love, and emotions work that way.

My love? it's like water.
At its best, it moves gently, with purity
At its worst, it drowns u
Leaving you breathless, scared and overwhelmed.

And finally at the end of the day,
I finally faced the truth I have been avoiding.
My weakness?
Love.
My strength?
Love.