I feel sorry for you,
I know all you really want is someone who will listen.

I can see the dark clouds hanging over your head, casting blue,
But you put on a mask and walk around like your on top of the moon.

I hope you find someone who will care,
Even though we both know that I'm the only one who understood.

But you played the game, and you didn't play fair,
I feel sorry for you, because no one would've loved you, like I could.

She had a mind as sharp as the razor she took to her skin
And a laugh so captivating it masked the insanity hidden within
Her hands so pretty and delicate no one saw how they trembled
Or the way she would lock eyes with someone he resembled

I'm an emotional swirling vortex
Trying to hide in vain
Nothing will touch me
No one will see
So many possibilities getting muddled in my head
That I won't let happen
I'm a mess
I'm a wreck
I'll build up my walls so high no one can climb over
And so strong nothing will destroy them
Nothing will destroy me
Nothing will hurt me

I couldn't let anyone in even if I really wanted
I find it extremely difficult to trust
It's for the best
I'm happier this way

i am sorry for having villainized you.
let me say this first:
i am so sorry for the pain i caused you.

i am also sorry for the grit
and rough
and mess you saw in
my skin. i am sorry
that i let it matter to me
that you saw these things.
i am sorry that i let you
make me feel like the
skin that i was writhing in,
that i was trying on
and tailoring (am still
tailoring) to fit me correctly
was somehow *****, somehow
not so clean. somehow covered in
the hands of too many boys
who made me unpure.
who you believed
somehow stole my
virtue with their kiss.
(like they would be so powerful
as to **** it from my lips)
i am sorry that you believed
that this caused such a gaping
space between us that we could
no longer lie next to each other.

the truth is,
i miss you somedays.

it makes me ache to know
that you missed my first
love. you missed his smile
and his stupid decisions,
and the effect he had on me.
you missed the way he brought
my mind to a lull.
my whole body to a
present moment.
you missed the disappointment,
the pain, the deep and crushing
heartbreak.
you missed the day he said goodbye.
you missed me picking up
the parts of myself i didn't
know existed in such a way
that they could fall apart.

i had seen you through that all
and you will only know of mine
through what i will tell you.

i am sorry to have hurt you.
to have lost you.
i was shedding skin and so were you.

*january/27/2014/12:23 A.M.