i say out loud, for the first time, that we will not be getting back together
and it's such an exciting feeling
it tastes so sour and scary and sweet

you will not be coming back
i don't even know if it matters to you
but you will not be coming back to me
and its okay it is completely okay

sometimes i will think so fondly of the love i had for you
and what you gave me too
and my unrelenting pouring endless infinite soft blubbering
like champagne or something as decadent it just kept on expanding and expanding and expanding
until it stopped
i think i stopped it

you will always have a soft and safe space inside me
i think something of you was born in me
and i think something of me was born in you
and thats why i was able to recognize you so easily
because something of you is me and so i saw myself

i will love you my whole life long
but i'll put it in my palms now

tender touch
i can't have you in this heart anymore

i am not 17 anymore
and this is no longer about you
you were never scared to hurt me for yourself
and now i am unafraid too

i have a dream about you
and wake up and think "i never want to be with you again"

the disappointment is so visceral that i feel it in my waking skin
in my heart like some heavy dream-weight
what weighs more a pound of feathers
or a pound of bricks?

you say bricks and i laugh out loud

i call you in a gift shop
running my thumbs through animal key chains searching for your name

i tell strangers that you're together again
i tell strangers that you are disappointing me again

*oct282016

i dream you die in a car crash
your body is mangled and bloodied and i'm screaming
this loss is quantified by this massive translucent black space that occupies my field of dream-vision
i cry unwilling to believe it

and then you call me
and i am flooded with this feeling of cosmic truth,
that if something were to happen to you i would have felt it

you break up with me over the phone for a second time
but while you're doing it i can see you while i hear you
and you're saying to me: i love you, i love you, i love you

your family keeps on having parties to celebrate your recovery
and my family goes so i go too
and i sit at your bedside and talk to you

and i am always overwhelmed seeing you
remembering you
i look at your basement
and there are catalogues of all the girls who weren't me

you are bruised and scratched and ****** and stitched
and your hair is longer and wavy and i close my eyes against you

when you're strong enough you leave
and in my dreams i move on to someone stronger and taller
knowing already he and i do not work out

i tell my dad about this over coffee
and he says there is a part of me that thinks you're divine

always
always

i should feel worse
i know this
i should feel sadness like heartbreak
like heavy pain
like deeply sewn aches
and hurt
and withdrawal

maybe i do (i know that i do)
i know i am sad, disappointed, hurt, upset, annoyed,
angry
i can't believe the love i gave you (you gave me too)
but you forgot it was important
and lucky
you forgot that my feelings of love might not mean much
to me
that they might not matter at all in the face of such helpless talking
it's not enough to love someone and do them wrong
it's not enough to keep me this way, like this
trapped in what you feel for something else and what you don't feel for me

i don't want to see you
i don't want to talk to you
i don't want to hear from you
about you
care about you
i don't want to think about you
i am love and magic i am love and magic

march62016

i crave intimacy
and love
like my bones don't have enough
like my system doesn't get enough
can i grow this within my body?
is there a way i can provide this myself?

when i hold my own hand i recognize it
and when i brush my own hair i care for myself
but there is something i want more than my own love

can i grow this myself? can i provide it in it's hungry way?

march42016

"if my legs were longer,
they might carry us further"

my legs are the longest part of my body,
you described me as being high waisted
i carried us for as long as we could
for as long as i could shoulder the burden
of your not understanding my hurt parts
of the apple you held in your palm,
bruises everywhere, but not enough

you held something else, something more bruised
when you should have held me

when you held her feelings you dropped mine
you wanted your cake,
you wanted me to be something different?

you idiot
you gave me love but expended a tailored version of that love
to someone who wasn't me, at cost to my allotment
you loved me, you loved me
but it wasn't my mess to carry or burden
there are better things for me

feb292016

my boyfriend smokes cigarettes
but he's stopping
and when we lie together in bed
its with bodies that mingle together
anxieties and love, fears, want, touches, love.
anxiety pulls at our covers and yanks
my ankles away from him
she hushes her voice as she crawls up my legs
so as not to wake him
and depression slips under my skin
and grabs hold of my hips
distance tells me that i am cold and he
picks me up by my arms
and these things carry me away from me
and him.

i am loving you,
i am sorry for when i am gone.
(i am distant in a nauseas way; i love you; i love you; i love you)
i will always hold you when we wake up.

i am sad and i would do this next to no one else but you.

*june 15 2015