They shined so bright. Brighter than a diamond, brighter than the sun. I saw so much light in the two almonds I stared into. The perfect shade of brown, to match the melanin protecting him.

Perfect together, the pair.

They fluttered so fast like they didn’t want to miss a thing, like they wanted to fly away. Couldn’t get them to hold your affections forever, they quickly broke my gaze.

I think it made them nervous to look at me so honestly. I could smell the herb, skunky like OG. I could see the cares lift away with a puff, puff, and a pass. The familiarity was instant. Looking as smooth as your words I got lost in them. Tripped and stumbled down to familiarity again. Lana in Lannyland falling for that gaze like a sin.

You visited me
And you asked me if
He holds me.

The way what you hold me.
"No."

And you came to me
And you asked me if
He craves me.

The way that you crave me.
"No."

No. No. No.

I could fill my gut
With "No."
Where you are "Yes."

I could live in your arms
I could feed off your passion
But no.

Because he holds me
In the night.
And he holds me
In the morning.
He holds me when
I'm sleeping.
When I never even
Know it.

And he craves me
Without asking.
He craves me
Without thinking.
Craving me
Is second nature
To him.

So
"No."
He's not you.
But you're not him.
And you were never willing
To be.

So go back home.
And give me back
The keys
To my heart.

There's only so much damage a person can take and after all the damage and abuse mine has been through, I swore falling in love, again, just wasn't in the cards for me. I went through so much at the young age of 14 and I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I was only 14, you know? How do you come to the acceptance that the only boy you've ever loved used the fact you loved him unconditionally as a tool against you to break your heart? It was too much for me. So for 3 years I stayed away from the idea of "love" all together. I promised and swore to myself that after all the trauma I went through that no one could love me, not even my family, and that "never again will I let someone in." And for 3 years, I kept that promise. We broke up May 2014 and I never wanted to fall in love after that May... But then May 2016 came...

At the end of my junior year I met this guy, and from the moment I met him everything just about him drew me in. He was so handsome and he was so unbelievably sweet to me. He made me feel appreciated and made my heart feel alive. When I kissed him the first time I fell in love and when he put his hands on me it was to hold me not to hurt me. But I was still scared, because I didn't want to get hurt again.

Because for 3 years I stayed away from love but I didn't stay away from boys. I talked to boys, hung out with boys, but when I found myself catching feelings I ran away. I just couldn't do it...

I never intended to fall in love again, it just kinda happened. He's a dream come true and he is such a blessing in my life. I love him, I really do. And I never want to lose him... I can't...

Its nice to say
To write and be read
To speak and be heard
Its nice-so nice
The clouds are nice
Shapeless changing shades of wispy warping away
And you can see in them
A face
An animal
Something that can't be held
So many clouds
To cover out the sun
The sun is dying
Spending all internal energy
To shine any sort of light into your life
Its nice-that no one notices
Because lightbulbs have a switch
And the sun is going to set
Many times
And it takes me with it
Its nice-so nice
That while the sun dies to bring you light
You'd rather stare into the clouds

The door opened
dropping me to the place
     where we first met.

It started with this— 
a wandering soul walking 
in the lobby of a peculiar building

And there’s a lift waiting
       for someone to come in.
                 You let me stay.

I never wonder why
the lights are strangely dim
or why the numbers on the wall did not cease to go on and off.


An eerie silence filled the space
           between us; from where I am
               and where I wanted to be.


My eyes— they are unblinking
                      as I venture towards
                             your lowest of lows,


But you are unwilling,
  for one peek could distort
       your forbidding soul.


So you brought me back
to the floor you let me in—
Strangers; metal walls around yourself.


I pressed the button more than once
               thinking that it will come faster.
           But it can’t be opened. You won’t.


So, for the last time
I close my eyes and feel
the cold barriers surrounding your heart.