I thought I'd hit rock bottom when
I was sixteen and blowing my mind
When I was seventeen and
My weight was that of a child
I thought I'd hit rock bottom when
I drank for days on end to seek
A piece of mind that never came
Losing my innocence by the week
I thought I'd hit rock bottom when
My closest friends were blades
And I lay in a hospital bed
After taking too many pills again
I thought I'd hit rock bottom when
I spent hours holding my head
Over toilet bowls, or when
I prayed to wake up dead
I thought I'd hit rock bottom when
Laxatives ate my money and
My body and I let visions of
Maddening girls take me by the hand
But now I see I had further to fall
I had more to lose in you
Now I can't even take those actions
I have nothing more to do.

*© Tara India.

And maybe I should be scared of passing cars,
strangers in the dark, but nothing scares me
like the black hole I carry around; the endless
static in my mind and the desire to completely fall;
I'm walking, I don't know why, and it's like I think
placing one foot in front of the other and covering
mile after stupid mile will make the darkness
fall away from me; as if I could ever outrun it.
The cold bites, I can't feel my hands, but that
aching pulse reminds me I still have blood flowing
through my veins, I am still alive however dead
I may feel. Clenching, curling my fingers until the nails
sink into dried skin, to stop myself beating my limbs,
longing to see bruises blossom; sprays of dark
flowers that again prove I am not merely a corpse
reanimated; endlessly pounding darkened pavements
as if I could tire myself enough to sleep easy;
more fear for the way I feel my mind splintering
than anything that might get me, nothing could
ever terrify more than the midnight delights,
and wishes of such a broken mind as mine.
Home holds no comfort, staying still only
makes me feel sick: I want to run away but I can't
think of anywhere safe, friendly; where could I
ever go? Take me somewhere new, I'd rather be out
of place somewhere I've never been; I long
To pack a bag, catch a train, to travel
under the rifts in the sky until I find somewhere
that doesn't make my stomach churn. Now
I find myself heading for home, my legs are lead
and the cold has infected me, but still it
is easier to take than the urge to run, to jump,
to fall, fail and let the world consume me.
They promised me a fight, I know: they said it
would get infinitely worse first, but nobody
understands the crushing waves, the hours
so forbidding and empty; the scent of
some impending doom on the rain-blushed wind.
How can I ever hope to walk far enough,
fast enough, to escape this hell on earth?

I never thought I’d apply these words
to anyone who wasn’t her;
maybe it’s even a success that I
can say her, because she’s not the one
that matters to me anymore.

I never thought I’d want anyone else
to hold me, or be the first
slow thought in my drunken mind,
but it’s you now, it’s you my angel,
it’s you I’m holding on for.

You say I’m beautiful,
well beauty is only skin deep. I’m not
half as beautiful as you because
you saw something worth saving
in me; you saw more

Than some broken-hearted
girl. You saw more than cuts and scars,
than crying, trying to get through
the aching days; I’m longing
and it’s you I’m longing for.

I’m counting down the days now,
until I can see your face;
I pray when our hands touch,
our minds will connect and it will be
more magical than before;

I think you are more human, more
wonderful and more real;
I think you know what you want
and I could finally live with you.
I’m wishing to my core

That I could kiss you; I never
thought I would feel this again --
the rushing blood, the dreams of love
and hope and I wish you
were here; it’s all I wish for.

wake up, crystallizing
you're hungry,
but not for food --
no never that
maybe for love, or people
but isn't needing weak
and you don't
need

wake up, realizing
you're tired
of life, of this fight
now wonder
how on earth
did you end up as
this girl --
broken

wake up, determining
the exact lifespan
of a shadow
or shadow girl
and how many years
before you fade,
in the morning light,
vanish

wake up, admiring
those who truly live
who walk
talk, eat and smile
tell me --
wouldn't you like
to be that way
too

wake up, cannonising
models
everything you'll never be
and that you want
but someday soon
you'll have to let
it all fall away
grow up

wake up, fantasising
of satisfaction
without the guilt
and pain
of not starving
not relying on hurt
letting people
care

wake up, promising
a new start
the sun will rise
and you with it
you'll eat
talk, breathe in
the summer air won't
burn -- is this
it

wake up, reveling
in knowing you haven't
sunk -- aren't
giving up
follow the plan
cut loose
your puppet strings
be real

wake up, deciding
it is time
accept your scars,
be better
but is this true
can you, or
is this just another
false dawn

*© Tara India.

Everyone I know was afraid of dying
They feared cancer creeping silently
And they kept their doors locked at night
They feared strangers in the dark
Or burning themselves on the stove
But I did not fear what they did.

In the early hours I feared living
I feared waking up for another forty years
The shuffling inadequacy of the nine to five
I feared truly being a woman
And I feared never being good enough.

So I turned myself over to darkness
I let faceless demons replace my heart
I burned and bruised to feel something
I made my body so scarred and ugly
That nobody would dare touch me.

I feared sugar more than death
And sleep more than fire or water
I do not fear speeding cars
Instead I fear breathing deeply
And watching another day unfold.

I did not know that I was wrong
That I was reckless and unstable
I was scared of my own humanity
While others were scared to lose it
And somewhere down the line I forgot
How to feel well because it scared me.

I am more scared of oil than I ever
Was of starving myself to death
I feared my own blood far less
Than the hands of strangers and now
My medicine is harder to take than drugs.

Everyone I know is scared of drowning
While I am scared it wouldn't be enough
To clear my soul and purge my body
I am scared I would still be living
Even after forty pills and alcohol
I was scared of this life more than its end.

So when I lay in a hospital bed
I was not scared that I would try again
I was scared I would fail again
And now I am free I fear losing my mind
Because they would lock me up
Yet again to keep me alive.

Now I am free I do not fear dying
I fear being left to struggle alone
I fear a repeat of the last few years
But I am more scared of freedom
And of truly feeling anything at all
I do not fear for myself but I fear life.

the promise-laden air of 3am
lies stifling, stilled and sad
upon those who whisper into it
the darkest hopes and fears of man

the grass sways at any hour --
wind breathes alike under moonlit skies
as through baby blue air; yet
only one can burn my mind

unholy sit the grinning stars who
know my secrets and desperation,
the howling wolf that breathes, bites
in my chest, only in night's nation

why only under the sleeping haze
can I admit that the daylight burns
can I pour out my soul and own
the emptiness that swallows me in return

hushed tones and hushed hours carry
a safety: there my undoings are released
content at 3am -- 3pm holds my tongue
I drown in what lies underneath

my brittle hair holds my secrets
cracked teeth and skin contain my lies
shaking legs carry me until night's comfort
and the devil sits behind my eyes

*© Tara India.

The muscled, runner’s legs
Extending from under clothes I
Hardly remember buying and
When did I place those
Ink spots upon my skin

When did I grow my hair
Till it stretched past these
Shoulders I used to hate
And can I be sure that
My soul resides within

This image, in her bold
Sunglasses and lipsticks and
With more makeup upon
Her face then I ever
Remember learning

All her jewels and flowers
Are confusing and so
New to me even though
Supposedly inside her frame
My essence is churning

I look and wonder when
I became such an enigma,
I am some people’s idea of
Beauty, and other’s may
Find me stereotypical

What is this body shown
Through a camera lens, is it
Really mine as they profess
And now as I analyse
I feel so miserable

I am unrecognisable to my
Own eyes, the mirror is
Baffling to these irises that
Search for familiarity
And I long to feel at home

Inside this corpse I reside
Supposedly, or maybe just
Confusedly, I move its limbs
I manipulate it and try
To reconcile my visual show

Yet in a photograph I do
Struggle to pick out myself
Whatever I expect, these eyes
So empty are not it and neither
Is this uncertain smile

This breaking hair and the way
I pose to pretend I’m
Absolutely fine, thankyou,
I don’t expect it and really
I just don’t know why.

liar, liar
say you want to get better
a girl crying health
when really you count your bones
and hang your worth
upon them

liar, liar
call yourself recovering
when you're broken
walking towards a slow death
and existing as
90% poison

liar, liar
swearing blind you'll try
you'll hold on
when you drag that blade
walk into destruction with
both eyes open

*© Tara India.

I am paralysed by the thought of another year
yet another year wasted in ignorance
with self destruction reigning, and I now
with nothing to show

I am mortified by the thought so many can
see my flaws bared in squandered time
hours given over to my demons and
with nothing to show

I am terrified by the thought that this was
another in the long line of years that
passed in a daze, a blurred haze, left
with nothing to show

I am mystified by the method of time's passing
how quickly it flew and I let it slip
so that the year is almost bled dry
with nothing to show

I am petrified by the idea my grand year
the year meant to equal recovery has
led to worse pain, relapse, and fled
with nothing to show

I am paralysed, again, by the fact that
I don't even want to be alive next year
and that for 2014 I will have
even less to show

*© Tara India.

I’d rather know my head was aching from
***** than all the reasons you left me. That my
throat was burning from polluting my lungs
instead of crying out your name. I’d
rather believe that the tears
staining my pillow at night were caused by
forcing myself to bend over the toilet bowl than
by longing to feel you wrapped around
me as I lie incapable of sleep. That the reason
dreams escape me is starvation and
not a restless longing. I wish I could
fool myself into believing I’m shaking from
nervousness all day instead of from
the absence of your eyes.

I keep tricking myself into thinking I weep
from pain and not from love, but
every razor line is nothing to knowing that
love was not enough in the end. That I
held everything in my hand and let
it slip away, as the days now fall from me because
you are gone. If only I could blame
hunger for the ravenous cries of my soul.
If only I could convince myself solely
malnutrition and winter’s chill raise goosebumps
on my skin.

These partial truths make it easier
to forget I am so consumed by a desire
and desperation that will never be satiated. I
will never again feel whole. And I can
let smoke fill my mouth until I almost forget
the taste of you, but it will never
replace you. I can’t even say I started
drinking when I met you, or that I wasn’t
already in the grips of sweet demons. But
losing you sure made it easier to let them
dig their claws into my heart, made it
easier to turn my soul into ash and parade myself
as some poor degenerate being, if only
to forget how empty I am now. It sure
as hell made it more necessary.

Miss Havisham has nothing on my decay
I’ve lived a thousand years in this state
In stasis my hair tarnishes grey
As the eyes behind which I deteriorate
I’ve been trapped by my old ways
Habits die hard and the twists of fate
Have deserted me to go and play
With other mortals who don’t retaliate

In frosted silks and velvet capes
Spiderwebs frame my wrinkling face
And beside me all laid with lace
The remnants of my life wither away
With a forlorn smile I greet the day
The visits lessen as I fall ever more prey
To isolation and the soft sway
Of my mind as it disintegrates

You smile politely and start to say
You had heard I was once rendered great
And good but I am no saint
I am nobody to emulate
I am frozen as a winter’s day
Stiff and still and never to change
My dusty breath will suffocate
And I beg you to turn away

Leave me in this slumbering daze
A relic of another age
Long-passed and tinged with grey
A memory inarticulate
I tired of life one summer’s day
It grew bored of me too in its way
Left me immortal and unchanged
Its cruelty can never be replaced.

It is always a risk to build
A home in someone else's arms
Those comforting walls can so easily
Crumble with your fleeting charms

To make another your universe
Is setting yourself up for a fall
As people change, so will their love
It may disappear as another calls

You try to get closer and become
Entwined to escape the loneliness
But moving into another's heart
Will only leave you homeless

I speak with sad knowledge in me
My tongue tainted by this
By having no house for my soul
My lips echoing her kiss

My arms now reach into air
As empty as my drained-out eyes
My one shelter burned to ash
I lie bereft under winter's sky

The road winds on and I stumble
Seeking a place that doesn't exist
Homesick with nostalgia
In my fairytale there was a twist

So I say preserve your own
Body as your home, and keep
Your distance to protect your dwelling
For it will protect your dreams.

*© Tara India.