just what
am I meant to do
am I supposed
to lie
to pretend
smile and hide

or do you
want me to run
cry in the arms of
a stranger
a friend
honestly

am i
meant to live
exist like this
forever
ten more
years of hell

or do i
submit to pills
and therapy and
hope
one day to
be fixed

to be
made better by
magic and whispers
hazes
and drugs
can it work

and what
even is better
i have no real
comprehension
of another
life

*© Tara India.

and when she falls
she might break like glass;
a winter's gale could
raze her to ash

she walks in summer,
with floral eyes
that wilt far too often
to be any real disguise

her skin too perforated
to remain whole each year;
bury her in November,
to rise vampiric and clear

at easter, nail her and
her fears to wooden boards,
so she can pass the heatwave
and not sit distraught

if she should tumble
falter, catch her breath,
remember it is autumn:
she hasn't many left

every decade a phoenix:
flame-born and alive,
but a few years on drowned
by an ocean inside.


*© Tara India.

my heart is not golden like yours
not harmonious in its beats
mine powers a deadened body
races leaden to its defeat

my mind is not beautiful like yours
no flowers of poetry grow inside
mine spews words and ugly thoughts
killing my corpse with poison and lies

my shell is not pretty like yours
i envy your confidence and grace
mine is cracked and deathly broke
my pain lies crusted on my face

my life is not happy like yours
yours has a heaven that is forgiving
mine is a merely an existence
in premature hell i am living.

*© Tara India.

These are not the same lips you once kissed
These are barren; they form only sad words.
You never laid your hand upon these cheeks
Hollow, they belong to a different girl,
Into these grey eyes you never gazed
They are empty and some throbbing hurt
Lies in this skin you never knew.
Since you I am harder, my world turned
And this body never lay with yours:
It contains lessons previously unlearned
You never saw this tough smile, surely
Because it is for you that it burns;
The stars in my mind you once knew
Were snuffed out when you spurned
The love which only you ever felt; now I
Have died, my poetic murmurings unheard.
I walked in a corpse never touched by
Your purity, who is this girl
You never met: phoenix-born from our
Ashes; you wouldn't even recognise her.


*© Tara India.

Burning as the smallest star
I tried to be the moon,
To reflect your brilliance
My pure, fire-hearted sun
But I must burn myself,
Weakly, in my own destruction
For I have only ever known
How to set myself alight
Dark flames, burning out
I am easily covered
And like the stars
Once you truly see my light
I am already dead and gone
I am as dust, striving
To implode and remake myself
Some nebula, some galaxy
Dies with me and again
I create myself anew,
I was not born to daylight
To reflection or true brightness
I am the dark
It is all I know, and that
Is why to burn in safety
Will never be my destiny.

I could spin you tales of new-found health
Or of my rediscovered desire for the wealth
Of life, and all it has to give
But I could never lie to you.

I may be free but I'm still so shaky
In my goals and my life and being free
The notion of dreaming to forgive
Myself for all I've been through.

It's unfamiliar and now I sit the same
Aching, shivering, and calling your name
I suppose I don't know how to live
I'm scared I won't pull through.

The night time inspires my honesty
As it inspires my madness
My demons face me with burning eyes
And I spill my secrets in
A true voice which only emerges at 3am
I understand everything in the dark
I know why you’re leaving again
I know why I can’t do anything these days
Why the world is such a terrible place
Why I am such a poisonous being
That not even those I love can tolerate me
Or love me to the same degree
I know why I once exorcised my heart
I wish I had never reinstated it
I know why I’m addicted to things
That seem like insanity to you
They take the pain away for a bit
Of loving and losing and living
Eternally abandoned and betrayed
Of never being the right decision
I know I’m never good enough
By night I can understand it
But that doesn’t make it stop
So I grasp my demons by the hand
Anything to escape these visions
Of hurt and loss and a life wasted
Of the hands that held mine
Of those who crushed me into the dirt
And left me to die or carry on
Worse than before and now under starlight
I see why I am so **** trapped
Once I fix upon something I cannot give up
I suppose that’s why I am still stupidly
In love with you and who we were
I let myself believe I could be forgiven
But now alone I watch the moon
I know why I’ve been cutting up my skin
And numbing myself in any way
That would help me escape
Just a little respite from the crushing deep
The sadness I bear as a cross
Carried heavily upon my fragile back
I know why I let demons into
My lungs and breathe them in willingly
I know as I sit in the dark
I am a plague upon this earth
I am a tornado spinning so recklessly
Through life that I devastate
Those who dare to get close to me
I know why they all leave me in the end
I prayed you would be different
For a while it seemed I was living out
My heart’s desire but I am alone now
Once again my only company
Is sickness and devils and destruction
And I understand it completely
But I still burn and ache from it daily.

I used to dream that I could be
A life lived out in vintage dresses and
Tea at four, fragile porcelain with
The clicking of typewriter keys

I used to dream that I could be
Net gloves and veils, heels always
High and elegant on the 48 bus
And lipstick lined on perfectly

I used to dream that I could be
Running the world – or femme fatale
Cutting words, seduction and vice
Cigarettes and whisky at three

I used to dream that I could be
Hitchcock’s heroine washed and set
Neat home and neater profession
Always carrying on productively

Yet now I see I will always be
Pyjamas till one, or all week
With day old hair – eyes smudged
Hungover and reeking of coffee

Yet now I see I will always be
Temperamental with my
Flighty pen and paper scribbles
Reading, writing disinterestedly

Yet now I see I will always be
Painfully average and mundane
Second-best, never measuring
Up to those surrounding me

Yet now I see I will always be
Warm wine – a microwave queen
A disastrous whirlwind unsatisfied
And dreaming suicidally.

*© Tara India.

It's the slow letting go
Waking up one morning with a clear mind
Unclouded by thoughts of the past
It's the way you realise
You've been spending your thoughts
On other things more built to last
It's not reliving your failures
As you go through each day
And yes you might still cry at night
It's the forgiving of them
And the cruel stars you once cursed
Even yourself as you see the light
It's realizing that even while
You weren't close to alright before
It is nobody's job to fix or save you
It's realizing you might
Someday be okay after this
The desolation may clear to truth
It's the slow release of
All the things you ******* in their heart
And knowing you will be okay
It's opening up to the future
Letting yourself see hope for once
Even though things will never be the same.

Why do we pour ourselves into anyone
Or anything, if not to forget?
And why do we do anything at all,
If not to escape; why, if life
Is so hard, do we fight to live it?
Do we find beauty in its faults,
Or love in its intricacies; is there
Some state of grace we can achieve,
Or are we all merely surviving
Through our allocated existence?
Can there ever be more?
Is happiness real, or only
A dream of humanity; did we
Invent it, to give some meaning to
The years spent crawling on this earth?
If we are so evolved, why are we
Also so entrenched in destruction;
The using up of our resources,
The race towards our own ends?
Are we ever truly alive?

The dawn breeze caresses my skin;
How torturous that I feel it again
Maybe this is why I am afraid,
Scared to sleep at night because I
Will still wake to see the new sun rise;
A new day begins even though I tried

It's slightly less painful to be awake
Then slumber through the daybreak;
I'd rather live in the dark than
Wake to it once again, still waiting
For the light hours in which I can
Live with some degree of truth

Birds awakening fill my tired ears
With songs of the new start ahead,
Each day is fresh but I'd rather wake
Midway through it than anticipate
It's coming, now it seems I am
Eternally in the dark, waiting.

Please – I’m uttering it
a thousand times a second;
I’m trying to find the words
and trying to explain

I feel all too deeply; I know,
I wrote about her
like she put the stars in
the ******* sky, I know

How that must have hurt
to read, to see; I
was a fool, she was my
first love and that’s a curse

I’ll carry with me for
centuries; but I do not love her,
do not want her,
not anymore – it’s you

Please believe me, it’s
only you I’m thinking of in
long nights, only
you I wish was here

I am falling, have
been for days ever since
we shared our first
words; I’m falling for you

We could be beautiful;
don’t let this go
without giving it a shot,
I know you feel it

Too – you feel how we
could be so happy
together, so great and
so good; I want you

And only you now; even
if she came running again
I’d walk away and I’d
run to you:

If only I could, if only
I could walk into
your room and kiss those
lips, the way I crave

If only I could hold you;
words make far
more sense in person,
but I swear to you

The thought of losing you
now, angel, it makes
me sick; just on
chance and we could be everything

Please don’t walk away,
I’m not hers, not
anymore and I could
so easily be yours

Just a few more words,
a few more minutes
of trust and I’d be yours
please – please

I’m rummaging for
the right words to say here
and I know you
won’t talk to me tonight

I guess that’s alright;
I hope you wake up,
and under
morning’s fresh light

You can try to understand
I loved her once;
that’s all; once I loved her
but not now, now all

I want is you.

the worst kind of sickness
convinces you that
you are well
and makes you believe
you'll find heaven in
your private hell

it gives a double meaning
to encouraging words
"stay strong"
now every turn looks right
when it leads you
further wrong

you think you found art
and your particular
brand of health
when you burn your mind
and choke your heart
and soul to death

a burning fire at the end
of your claustrophobic
tunnel, blinding
you to the fact that you are
slowly dying and you are
not reminded

because you are "well"
on a sip of coffee or
diet coke for dinner
you're convinced you are okay
can only get better when
getting thinner

in a bone cage you rest
one you built
and held closed
on smoky breaths you survive
relationships froze and life
is on hold

now your brain is wired
for self destruct in
three, two, one
before you know you were sick
all of your hard work has
come undone.

*© Tara India.

It is only at 2am when you will realise
You might have gone too far
You will get up to brush your hair
Feel your body almost give way
And nearly succumb to blackness
Mounting the window to **** down another cigarette
You will realise you kept nothing down
And haven't even tried to for six hours
You will realise you're awake and always are
When the rest of the world sleeps
Because some manic desire for deprivation
Keeps your bloodshot eyes pinned open
You will chew another stick of gum
Tainted by smoke and diet soda
And almost smile as you notice
You ostentatiously pretended to be trying
You've listened to chords and turned
Page after page and turned off your phone
But you're clinging to insomnia just like
You hang on to starvation as gratification
And some justification of your existence
You will burn your back on the radiator
That you're secretly glad is broken
And stuck on max because you are always
Cold as if you were winter itself
And the marrow of your bones is ice water
You will stare at your sternum and ribcage
And seek your hipbones in the mirror
Only to be frustrated because you
Still can't wrap your fingers round your arms
You will almost smell everything you wish
You could eat and not need to throw up
You feel your bones ache and stiffen
And think maybe you really let yourself go
You will think of what to eat tomorrow
Realise you'd rather drink coffee
And you made plans so as to avoid food
You will have moved it all downstairs
In a desperate urge to avoid the binge
And hate yourself for it because now
You have no release and not even blades left
With which to feel something and so
You stare into empty oscillating space
Extinguish your cigarette on arms
Already scarred and cut to pieces
You think to hell with everything and realise
You've really done it this time.

with my heart I have reached a strange impasse
I am trying to ignore my mind at last
to my head I propose some compromise
for at long last I do not pray to die

they can all see that I fight daily
to ignore these voices which call strangely
although I see my life is worth living
they are so cold and unforgiving

where once I walked with their hands in mine
a shallow crossing towards the finish line
I now ache to turn to solid ground
eyes to the sky I want to be found

still their hands tighten on my throat
I fear they will not so easily let go
it's a strange fight when clinging to life
I am constantly told I deserve to die

*© Tara India.

A mother's lap, all downy flesh
Or a bird cushioned in the nest
Softness, light, and feather-white
We all seek our respites.

Warm bathwater and soothing scent
Sand, sun, and sea perlescent
In lover's beds and lover's rosy minds
We all seek our respites.

All beings crave some sweet affection
The relief of a loving connection
We seek home and it's delights
We all seek our respites.

We deserve love so we hunt
For feelings, closeness and trust
But do we really all live for light;
We all seek our respites.

What happens when we only hate
Ourselves, our bodies, and our weight
Can we allow relaxation and smile
We all seek our respites.

Some feel unequal to pleasure
For them, pain is to be treasured
More comfort in screams than sighs
We all seek our respites.

Some beings have to hurt to feel
When only pain and blood is real
A friend, your razorblade at night
We all seek our respites.

When the brain can be so cruel
Deprivation, denial, and their rules
Don't feel wrong but beautifully right
We all seek our respites.

For those of us in isolation
Undeserving of self-preservation
It's easier to suffer than to fight
We all seek our respites.

*© Tara India.

buried myself in melody
in stage paint I wear all day
underneath my skin is cracking
my mind is unpinning
if only they could see

dress for battle and take them down
i could conquer anyone
well, except my demons
they have become my life
if only they could see

but if they saw my lies
stopped believing and really looked
wouldn't they lock me up
as my senses shatter
and I become insane

something came loose inside
this pretty little plastic head
under the oil and fame I rot
break: I die once more
and I go insane

*© Tara India.

I walked and walked, until I was nearly running;
As if I could match the pace inside my head
And as if I could leave these racing thoughts
Behind me; that calm would come and that,
As I raced frantically on, they would shed
As the pounds dropping from my waist.

I let my hands turn to ice, and I prayed
That the cold chill would creep inside,
And numb my heart as before; that I could
Freeze all these dark desires, and the ache
In my limbs would comfort me; and once
Again I'd find freedom in the empty air.

I spend my life
pin all my hopes
on future days
and times

I pick a day
to expect to be
saved upon
and wait

Sleep through the
tortured hours
eyes open but
in limbo

I dream this time
someone will see
to care and
fix me

I pray this person
will know how
to fill my soul
with hope

that they will get it
they will pull
me out of my own
darkness

I have my dreams
fixed now upon
this chance next
friday

I hope I won't
freeze up again
I'll open up to
freedom

In nine days
maybe I can
start to become
real again

*© Tara India.

The stars in their heavens
Nestle in velvet;
A mother puts her baby to bed
She tucks him in as the moon
Watches over him:
Plants a kiss on his head
The birds slumber quietly
In their nests of twig;
An angel makes the moon her bed
Trees curl although they
Are windbent;
Their silence is of the dead
Flowers furl their petals
Conserve beauty
For day when they shine in beds
Every creature settles down
They rest eagerly;
The moonlit sky sighs instead
Over me as I wander now
Aimless and restless;
I tumble through my head
If I do not deserve sleep
Cannot find it;
Then Lord I'd rather be dead.

The stars are dead, but they still shine
The light of their passage echoes in my eyes
For I am also wandering, a fading soul;
The sun burns too bright for my pale smile
The moon's turning seems far more worthwhile
As I hide from the bone-drenching cold

Autumn has fallen on the august land;
Summer lies slain by its clumsy, heavy hand
And her flowers wilt under the rain,
Lukewarm I sit, I breathe the musky air
Skin prickling I say it isn't quite fair
That over this land winter will resume its reign

Hollow-hearted I contemplate just how
I can live and breathe in the pain of now:
When darkness rules, not only inside
How can I be the summer girl they all expect
How can I live in awe of what comes next
If I am held by night with mid afternoon blind

They wish to see some monumental change
But I’ve been living stoppered in the same
Feelings, seasons, for all my years
I never truly felt summer in her fleeting kiss
I sleep like the dead; I must have missed
The heat and woken up to lady winter’s tears

So I remain as cold as the wind penetrating
Our respites, because I grew up hating
The way the ice keeps me trapped indoors
I didn’t realise it had crept into my heart
Until I woke up, and tried to start
Sitting in the sun and warming to something pure

My chances were fleeting, and one by one
I missed them as I anticipated the sun
This watery thing unsatisfactory, wanting better
I failed to appreciate what life had to give
Suspended animation is no way to live
And I think I’ll be waiting forever.

*© Tara India

and all the cigarettes I smoke
won't help me forget
the hunger and sickness of my soul

all the broken air won't swallow up
the darkness I face or
the way I live and numb cold

of night and ice or how I dream
of death's sweet chill
I know it already inhabits me

all the blood and tar and hollow veins
can't drain me dry enough
and stop me wishing I was free

*© Tara India.

Summer is lazy in the sun
She sleeps far more than I
The sky her pearlescent eyes

Closed lids and cloudy lashes
Aeroplane trails her pillow
Lines that trace her sweet sighs

She blinks – she shifts and
Birds soar over swaying trees
Under her heavy breath I lie

Buzzing bees lull her slumber
Grass-hair crowned by
Blossomy willow and mayflies

As a solemn chill I exist in
The shadow of her warmth --
Her heat licking at my sides

We are opposites and we
Never quite touch but still I
Dwell contented in her smile

My lady summer brings forth
Dull breeze and grinning suns
I wish I’d never turned to ice

I almost melt at her whisper
The others move slower to
Her rhythmic delights

Her beating heart a slow tune
Beauty and melody she sleeps
While I toss in her sweating night

I dream I will wake and be
Her sister – happily I’d drift
If I wasn’t so hollow inside

So I sit in the shade of bliss
Watch summer with glee while
Honouring the winter inside.


*© Tara India.

I sleep through the morning
So I can hate myself
For wasting the day
I drink coffee until I shake
Smoke golds to make
Myself sicken and shake

Trying to empty my stomach
I starve all afternoon
I wish the pounds away
Night comes and I am
Caffeine-drunk now
I've purged my guilt today

The hunger builds inside --
I'm drinking to quell
The deathly hollow ache
The liquor burns and wine
Unsteadies hands that
Already tremble and shake

1am comes and I am tearing
Alternate wrappers and
Milky skin with blades
I cry red and weep tears
Of loss as my heart
Rests shallow in its grave

Pills call and so does food
By thousands I consume --
Monstrous I will decay
4am and I've purged to sleep
Drunk, dizzy, or dead
I await the dawning day.

*© Tara India.

The trees sway; they bend not break
I wished I had been the same
The rustling leaves, my counterpart
I wish I had their strength at heart
I wished I could be so longstanding
Still their sighs feel understanding
Giants, behemoths; they sit and watch
The world go by, almost untouched
Unchanged except by the seasons;
I know my freefall had its reasons
I wish my heart had remained warm
With their power to weather the storm
But I broke, like some tender sapling
I stopped caring about futile things
I'm fragile, but I wish I were strong:
The curse of a life gone wrong
Or is it wrong; am I wasting youth
Or can I regrow as a willow, pruned
In spring can I echo their budding shoots
Will I ever learn to put down roots
And create some form of stability;
I wish the world had not broken me
I wish I could stand as tall as they
The trees who guard, sentinels of day
And in a way, I wish I was like them
Not fuelled by anger and the rage of men
I have been hurt and was too weak
It echoes in every word I speak
But like a seedling I need protection
To grow and change, to find direction
I need food and safety just like those
Trees need water, light, air to grow
They plant deep enough to own the earth
By sticks and stones they are not hurt
No words can break their cool demeanor
I wish I could become a believer
In calm and spirits, not racing fire
I wish I was not driven higher
By desire, the race to become worthwhile;
The madness haunted me as a child
I saw the trees; I am not the same
I live in mist, shadows and games
I play with flame and brush with death
It's a wonder there is anything left
Of me, but eyes to envy the trees
And hear some calling in the breeze.

It howls inside me like a frightened child
Waking from a nightmare and shaking
The fear, the failure, the darkened eyes
All crying as my mind is breaking

It screams at the stars, their majesty
Is godless and unforgiving
My petrified gaze another call for help;
A supplication to those still living

It whimpers in the early hours,
This emptiness – this unholy void
Of desperation within my skin,
The shell I have so carefully destroyed

Its frenzied cries echo from my mouth
My lips form its endless request
Aching and heavy, it sits divine
Rests in my throat and hollow chest

It weeps – a hellish caterwaul
Of desire and perceived deprivation
My ball and chain, my hair shirt,
Symbol of my long damnation

It grovels at the feet of greater demons
Satisfaction sought in a lost soul
It drives me mad and pushes me higher
Too weak alone to achieve its goals

It screeches that with one more push,
A little further, a little longer
I can find my nirvana and my
Shangri-la – denial making me stronger

It whispers so believably and so
Trustworthy is its feeble disguise
I fall for deceit and stars and tricks
I lose myself in cunning lies

It howls once more, a victory cry
On a throne made of my heart
It sits – I am lost
Once more back to the start.

*© Tara India

For the Picasso-trees as I soar by,
The blurring edges under a new sky
And feeling as though I could fly

I could just float away and drift
Or dissipate as summer mist;
Oh, what kind of existence is this?

Only content when on the run,
A craving for a different sun
To light my walk, I am one

Who is only happy while moving
Seeing, exploring, and using
Travel to convince me I’m not losing

They call it wanderlust, but
For me it’s deeper: this strange love
Of escapism, forever on and up

Will leave no hollowed out space
For me to disastrously contemplate
The oblivion echoed in my face

If I fill my days with new sights
I can ignore my night-dark eyes
And somehow sidestep the fight

To stay alive, to ignore their call;
Distraction is louder than the fall,
I am only safe in unfamiliar walls

Stand still too long and people will
Learn my darkness, the pain that fills
My heart and they will want to ****

The hollow ghost, the shadow-girl
So I keep moving around the world
For safety, will I ever learn

To be still, silent and proud
Without voices tearing me down?
Or the thought I should do it now?

So I go in search of new destinations
Lose myself in some exploration
Try to **** my mind with fascination

I’ve been here for far too long
I need to wander, let me move on
Before my soul sings its swan song

I’ve used up all the distraction here
This is the cave, the lair of fear
And my nights are filled with spiritless tears

I seek something new, some unknown;
A perhaps that could finally bring me home
Or maybe I just don’t want to be alone

So with music, and books, and trains
And friends I make just for the day
I somehow push on, the only way

I know to make this seem worthwhile
Is to keep tracking the miles
And cities, behind my glossy smile

Is desperation and a need to survive
Although daily I long to die,
I am wandering, to stay alive.

*© Tara India

tonight is one of those awful nights
the chill-ridden nights that occur
near summer with  almost half
a year stretched behind me
and little enough ahead
that i am torn by the idea
of wasting yet more days
and the screaming starts from
somewhere inside and then
echoes from every wall that
encloses me in a cell
i built it myself and i'll
probably never be free but they
they cry freedom with their call
to step over the line once more
and before i know it i am
huddled on my bed crying
taking pills for the ache which
has nothing to do with my head
and everything to do with
my warped mind and
ever more warped life

*© Tara India.