For most,
they fit the mold,
they sit neatly
within all the gaps,
morphing into
shapes society deems
worthy

I was another story

I failed the tests
I failed the assignments

My time was spent
not
trying to learn to be,
what,
I am not,
but who I wanted
to be

I wanted to discover
the forest from
the trees

I rejected their narratives
the so-called "model student"
I became myself

I became a life

In the swift wind.
My hands set sail in a vast
Emptiness.
Weary feet pointed left.
My heart steadfast to the right.
Her heart wild as the wind.
I sailed beside her.

Capsizing in her silk wave.
She was far from quiet, an abundance of thoughts. Opinionated from one wave to the next.
Without a single struggle.
I sank.

I left my supplies by the mast.
Becoming easier to swallow.
Everything scattered.
Topsy turvy in fascination.
She kissed me and I never looked back.

I'm hidden, shivering behind this curtain of rain
Seeing live through shades of pain
I'm so tired of listening to the sound of my tears
They've been falling for way to many years
In this life of mine, it never rains it only pours
In my head, the scarred battle ground of wars'
Of a million thoughts and memories
Trying desperately Pharmaceutical remedies
Only to discover there is no cure for my disease
Forced again and again to my knees

I use to pray to a distant faceless God
Religion preaching of His grand facade
But He too must be flawed
For I stand daily in front of His firing squad
Mental health continually erodes
Desperately waiting for a lull, as He reloads

Coal black darkness paints my life's canvas
As I watch yesterday's loss become today's madness
Wishing I could feel the firm hard dirt at the end of this hole
I fear it's bottomless, just like my soul

©Pauline Russell