9 to 5,
i survive.
i don’t live but im alive.
i still give though im deprived.
-
i hold my head high,
& keep my dreams low.
my talents are like secrets,
no one can know.
-
more money in the clubs,
more money on materials.
more money on more money,
still we lack.
it’s irreal.

attention is expensive to pay,
not moved by the things that you say.
you feel a way,
it’s okay.
-
secure in the thought of not needing nobody,
but i be wanting somebody.
someone strong & passionate,
who can challenge the fear
of the unknown & the reality of what is right here.
someone kind and complacent
not weak and abrasive.
no words that can take him,
even if i do say so myself.
-
you’re the one and i see that,
& my reaction is a react.
not a distraction,
it’s a relapse.

i am open.
on the surface.
i hide my feelings on purpose.
people say that im heartless,
i say that im hardened to hurt less.
i do not fear a broken heart,
those are battles i have conquered.
i seek the solace and comfort.
i am open.

pick a poison.
drain it slowly,
hope it quenches your thirst.
swallow gently,
read the label.
though, that should have been first.
“how do you feel?
i hope it heals.
i hope it gives you what you need.
no blurry vision,
this is real.
what do you see?
i hope it’s me.
i hope it’s true.
ill always be in touch,
im always here with you.
just keep this bottle by your side.
your world and mine, they will collide.”

the world is different in my head,
the war is here,
the blood has shed.
no smiles and warm feelings,
no frolicking in fields.
the darkness has taken over,
it is stronger than it seems.
but i let it..
because the light gives too much credit.
i am imperfect, i don’t regret it.
yes, i said it.

suicidal girl.
she was broken,
disturbed..
couldn’t handle what he’d done.
never talked about it once,
no not to anyone.
she bottled it up,
held it in a safe.
so hard to unlock,
no sign, not a trace.
cut deeper wounds instead.
blood all over the floors,
blood dried up on her bed.
14 years old.
scars,
from head to toe.
scars,
nobody knows.
can’t let anyone know.
sweaters in the summer heat.
can’t let anyone see.
suicidal girl,
how cruel the world can be.

i tried to chase happiness.
but i find comfort in the opposite.
i find comfort in a state of, nothingness.
positively speaking,
i am positive
that i belong to the darkness.
& darkness isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

i value sadness,
i love to see happiness in the hearts of those i love.
but my heart says that’s enough,
too much peace, it’s had enough.
chaos is what it feeds on.
no rainbows after the rain gone.
only scars after the pain.
even with love, it’s still the same.

ill love the love that loves my darkest days.
that never tries to find new ways,
to change who i am.
i am who i am.
i smile at a full moon,
i laugh amongst the stars.
& i find the greatest things in life
formed from my darkest scars.
my darkened heart needs love too.
in dark ways,
my dark view.