i haven't left the house
i havent
i haven't left the house for fun in a long time
what is fun?
i could look up the meaning of the word and yet
still not seem to understand it
my heart has dropped in my stomach
a bag of acid
and sunk
and with the movement of swishing enzymes
it has twisted and churned
and poured out any emotion i had left
what's the difference between happy and sad?
sad and angry?
they are all the same to me
at the end of a smile
of a roar
of a tear
my little emotionless heart
is lonely in a bag of acid
and enzymes are twisting and churning
all with efficiency
and my little heart
is just there
for the waves
i am so lonely
but every conversation i have
with anyone but my family
is an inner battle
i will start and end every conversation
my mind drives at 150 miles per hour
and nothing less
and the sound of its roaring engine centres in my head
and lingers in my ears
and even when the conversation end
my mind will continue to echo its roars
for years
i promised myself i wouldn't do this
lock myself inside me
and lose the key
i promised myself i wouldn't do this
throw my body like ****
and expect it not to fight back
i promised myself
i would be happy
2017 has already ****** me up
as it came in
UGHhHuhughuHGughughughugh
i don't even know how to ******* write anymore
something i used to have guarded deep underneath my flesh
blanketed in tissue
laying on bones
has thrown off the covers and is racing in blood
and has just flowed out
with every little slice i make
who knows this
me and me
i used to think i could be a writer
read comments and smile
i used to think i was something
for a whole minute
but my big old mind
slapped me right back into shape
and helped me understand
all of my little hopes were dead
i watched slam poems
read sonnets
who am i kidding
i haven't had a split second for me
so much so I'm mixing science
with poetry
i shut my eyes and see 4 quadrants
and the negative and positive number lines
engraving with a tickle beneath my hair
i see the alimentary canal, the small intestines
forming a headband of flowers around my head
i see atoms bouncing around my limbs
accompanied with hundreds of shells
i see cations and anions
and every thing has to be done
so many things to be done
that i can't sleep
and i wake up late
and the day is half gone
**** what a waste
i will beat myself for the entire day for the hour i spent shut eye's distance away from books
all i can think about is time
and as i write this i glance at my clock every second
1:06 and no one will read this but me
422 words and nobody cares
ill just go through this alone
just like every other rough patch I've ever had
because i push everyone out
and wonder why no one cares
my eyes droop with every little tap on my keyboard
why am i alive
i know so many people who deserve lives
and my name is south of that list
cross my heart and i hope to die
they really weren't telling a lie.
