im over you.
...
i don't know if i can say that yet.
but i can pretend
i will pretend.
for you.

i understand you
i miss you
i wish you didn't leave
but i hope youre in a better place
your soul is in a better body
your mind is in a better persons head
who could never hurt a precious girl like you

i hope
that even though it took 98 days
youll be over me
98 days
of being alone
but
98 days should be plenty
for you to leave me behind
im not that hard to get over
98 days.

it took 98 whole days
2,352 hours
141,120 minutes
and way too many moments
for it to stop hurting when i think of you
when my voice doesn't catch every time i say your name
when i can go back in your room and only cry a little

98 days
it will take 98 days more
or even longer
to fully be over you.

but i do not have that time
because it has already been 98 days.
so ill just say that "im over you."

Sometimes, I wish that I were different
I am not talking about weight, height, or physically
I wish I were the old me
The nice me
The one who didn't expect ulterior motives
Expect to be hurt
The one who was afraid to say no
Or come off as mean
Sometimes, I think I'm still in there
Deep down
Underneath the fake cloak of harshness wrapped around me
Used as a shield
Protecting me from the world
Still protecting the old me

She who spoke with no love,
waited on external acceptance
That, it never came

She who found comfort in a shell
Delicate and golden, but unrecognizable
to a polluted mind

She who bowed to insecurity
Scoured and torched by internal pain
She no longer seeks to remain

And she no longer will.

Growing up all I wanted was to be pretty
My dreams and ambitions
Revolved around physical aspects of myself
I always told myself that I would be better if I was
Skinnier
Or prettier
And eventually I couldn’t tell the difference between
Want and need

I was convinced my depression would go away
If I was 100 pounds lighter
If my skin was clearer
That I’d be more talented if I was a size zero
Because then I’d be able to write about happiness
And someone loving me back
Instead of being sad all the time

If I could tell my younger self one thing
It would be that you were not put on this earth
Just to be pretty

So now I tell myself that I am brave
And strong and resilient
I lived through parts of my life that should’ve defeated me
But I’m still standing here
And maybe I would be happy if I was a size zero
But I need to learn what happiness feels like
Without beauty getting in the way