I cannot do this any longer. I have tried for so long on my own and found nothing. I finally sought out help after years of secrecy and lies and pretence but still nothing. There is nothing any one can ever do for me because there is nothing left of me and nothing left for me. Who I am or was supposed to be was stolen. They took it. Though the memories were repressed, I always knew there was something different about me. I felt no struggle to fit in with the crowd or have a huge friendship circle. I got on with everyone. I have had insecurities but that is all. As I got older I realised I like being different. I am much happier and I can express myself better. I hate conforming so I never did. I always found a way around it. But long before the insecurities I knew there was something else in me that made me hate who I was. Or rather, hate my life. I guess I have been feeling like this for much longer than I thought. The self-loathing did not occur when I was in high school. Much earlier in fact. Right around the time I was eight years old perhaps. When I told my best friend ‘I hate my life’ and ‘I have a horrible life’. What I did not realise was that it was something other than emotional abuse. Emotional abuse played more of a role in later years but the original cause was something a lot darker. I physically feel sick when I think of this happening to others let alone myself, especially to a child. They prey on you. Take advantage then leave you. Little do they know they have pushed you onto a dark, twisted, thorny path that leads to destruction. Your own mind goes against you. Your own body goes against you. I was not equipped for this battle. I have nothing to armour me. No weapons. No shield. So it is time for me to surrender. I don’t want to be afraid. Rather than continuing forth with this meaningless existence, it is much better if I end it now.




© maria.who