you made me feel so loved
        i adored you
        i don't know how to feel
                   why am i apologizing
                   for you hurting me
why do i feel guilty
for something i didn't do?
                           why am i coming back to you
                           even after you caused me so much pain?
             why am i talking to you
             after you stole my voice?
                                          why do i see you as beautiful,
                                          when you made me feel hideous?
                why am i crawling back,
                after you tore me apart?
                          
                               ­                           why do i keep coming back?

I do not want to blame you.
I fell hopelessly, desperately in love
and that was not your fault.
Our summer was smiles and laughter
and sleepy morning *** and cuddles at 2AM.
How could I not love you?
All was golden in your presence
and nothing hurt.
The demons of yesterday were banished
by the warmth of your adoration,
and I slowly forgot the sorrow
growing around my heart like a sickness.

I do not blame you.
But no one taught me the difference
between love and dependence.
No one taught me that I could love you
and still say no.
I let you tie me down, hold me,
Hurt me,
because I was terrified to lose you.

I know I shouldn't blame you.
But I still flinch at unknown hands,
still pull away when I feel threatened,
and I feel threatened more than ever.
Anxiety claws my throat,
hands shake, vision blurs,
His eyes are your eyes are his eyes
and I can still hear your voice.
"Kneel ****"
I don't know how I stand up now.