I knew what I was in for,
you had no ******* clue.
A runner always runs,
and despite everything, that’s what it still came to.

I don’t think you should chase me,
even if secretly,
I like to look back.

You deserve weddings and soft romance,
and I’ve never been able to promise that.
I tried to picture it,
believe me, I really did.
But I always end up becoming the angry man
I feared as a kid.

Maybe you don’t understand this,
and I don’t know how to change.
It’s easier to dress my fear as anger
than to process every trauma I’ve caged.

I'm comfy alone, no silence to fill, the days drag along but outside I remain chill.
Inside is turmoil, conflict, and debates,
This mind is paradoxical and no one escapes.
I can picture all futures, happy or sad, with or without you, either way I'm still mad.
To think I don't miss you, is an excruciating cut, maybe I couldn't stay but that doesn't mean it wasn't love.
Maybe I ruined it or maybe I was blind, I can hear your voice each night like a sacred lullaby.
I know I'll gain no favors, and you think curiosity killed the cat, but to not have your thousand questions about my day you truly believe I want that?
I guess these grounds are haunted, and I made things exponentially worse,
I have always viewed you like my blessing,
maybe I was your curse.

Do your people watch me?
Do they know where I am?
This imbalance of knowledge seems slightly unfair,
I have to wonder, and ponder, and yearn,
Yet you sit back peacefully with your ways to learn,
The curiosity is torturing me, making me sick
What are you doing?
Who is it with?
Heartache morphs to obsession sickenly quick
But if I miss a step, or I scare the crows, the universe makes sure you're the first one that knows.

I avoid my reflection,
can’t look at that woman too long.
The longer I lock eyes with her,
the more I find is wrong.

Maybe I’m over-critical,
but I hate how much she hides.
I can’t take her criticism,
and she’s terrible at goodbyes.

I know she tries hard,
Which just makes me feel worse.
She’s never been enough,
but you can’t live your life feeling cursed.

I avoid my reflection.
You see how fast I spiral—
I start with her nose,
then tear through her woes,
This hating disease must be viral.

I can't know that its done, I can't watch the end, it needs to catch me offguard, something I can't ever mend.

Ill sit here and obsess and I'll miss you when I'm busy, my anxiety is sky high and I'm getting dizzy.

A cycle I'm trapped in, no matter the man, I'll know that it's over but I'll hold a death grip on your hand.

My thoughts are chaos, my love even worse, I thought I was better, now I think my heart is cursed.

This yearning does nothing, it doesn't change our lives, I will always want what I cannot have and I will never be a wife.