What do I do now? I don't even want to think about it, think about
How my life is splitting apart at the seams and all of my panicked
Outcries are doing nothing to stop it.
Amazing, I think, that I've lasted as long as I have.
Maybe this is for the better?
I tell myself, but it tastes like a lie in my mouth.
If I cease to be Caligula, what do I have left
For myself. I am nothing, nothing!
Nobody truly understands that I am losing everything and am
Out of my mind with pain and fury. I can't stop
Thinking, why me? Why is it always me?
Can't I have good luck just one time? I'm not
Asking for much. I'm scared, no, terrified that my
Life is ending quicker than I ever anticipated. I wanted to die
Grandly, in a wild blaze of glory. Not with my whole life
Upturned, sinking slowly, suffering wildly,
Losing what I worked so hard to achieve,
And wishing I could go back and be great one more time.
Written by another para (who, obviously, goes by the name Caligula), in the future/ after I end his suffering and pack the daydream away to start over again
