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for R. you're not reading this, alas & in any case you wouldn't care-

Another sunset,
the clouds stained
Warhol red, passion pink
interspersed with yellow
cider streaks
of dying sunlight
birds ****
leaves, mumbling, rustle
a snail crawls
it should be a full moon
tonight
one of the last
August moons
I'm thinking
of how that summer
in college
it was too hard to breathe
for the heat & pollution
yet how I made it
up that hill every time
birds cease to ****
leaves to rustle
a snail still crawls
August Moon rises
& I think
of werewolves
& how anyone could
be this under the right conditions
faceless office workers
doing time
ripping off shirts
wildly in the night
to howl
in ****** of mundanity
I know how you cope,
like me, you have your poetry
& I have free time
to read it
as often as I want
& to think
of your genius
breaking up minutes
into diamonds
that I keep in my heart
under lock & key
a danger, imminent
Because the guy I love is also one of the most inspirational poets I know.

- by ' Warhol red' I'm referring to Andy Warhol, the artist.
I don't think people realize
How much pain and sorrow
I tend to hide
I hold in the fact
That I need to cry
And I will walk around
Like I'm alright
Then I remember the sorrow and pain
That just earlier today
I had hidden away
These feelings give me
So much shame
And soon I will break
Then I will cry
Maybe some will be let go tonight
I wrote this in residential treatment a few months ago
Now I lay down to sleep
Praying, hoping we don't meet
But every time I close my eyes
I see us together
Then I cry
You took advantage of me
Took my virginity
I fell in love, so to speak
I was soon made to realize
The **** made you different in my eyes
Later realizations
Were made to me
You were older than my dad
You weren't clean
I'm lucky no diseases were
Given to me
Just severe trauma
PTSD
Red and pink liquor on your lips, let me taste forbidden passion i might just like it how it feels.
Entertaining sadness away from here , feeling lonely and feeling nothing is it all there will ever be?
Deciving hearts playing around I thought love would come by now , there’s a heat of emotions I can not feel . Do you mind if I’m honest and melancholic just for the night? Maybe you can stare into my eyes and see what is inside , is it soft and vulnerable or all you see is emptiness and stone inside?
Should I see you , you and your life carry on around you with all your charm and bourdens , I’d like you to share what  sorrow you have inside. Good listener , missing me , missing you and all the things we had got.
Oh you noticed what a liar I am , no one ever knows who I really lie to , ain’t no one of you, I lied to the mirrors I believe is the only way to go on , get by without saying the truth .
Ain’t  youth a cheating life they think it’s easy just because of that ,I might not recognize my voice or your face , all I got are memories inside , slowly turning ashes to dirt . Nothing.
Feel... I wanted to feel something . Anything.
I want  to run fast and far away.
feelings , i want those emotions.

Love I wanna know what it's like .
Life , I need to take you all in.
Feel, I wanna feel everything.
I'm afraid of the future, I'm afraid of the past.
I'm afraid that you don't think of me, I'm afraid that I'm on your mind.
I'm afraid that you like her, I'm afraid that you love me.
I'm afraid to be alone, I'm afraid of crowds.
I'm afraid to be happy, I'm afraid to be sad.
I'm afraid of you, I'm afraid of me.

This is what i deal with, all of my anxiety.
Anxiety
Controlling my everyday life
Anxiety
Taking my heart and throwing it against the wall
Anxiety
Wrapping around in my head to consume my thoughts
Anxiety
Crying and screaming against my throat
Anxiety
Crashing and thrashing its way into my body making me shudder
When theres a knock at the door
Anxiety
Lighting fires to my insides
Anxiety
Making my hands shake so someone will notice im unbalanced
Anxiety
Life ***** and I want to leave this place people call home, because no where is home anymore and I cant feel safe unless I am free
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