I was afraid for so long before I knew you
The terror of being left behind crawling up my insides
Bunching up behind my eyelids and burrowing beneath my skin
Threatening to burst out in pursuit of everyone I’ve lost
I didn’t want to be afraid soon after I knew you
Recounted all the names of love lost a thousand times
Spent all of my childhood wishes asking for it to be me instead of her, me instead of them
It had to mean something, other than this world being unforgiving
I didn’t have to be afraid long after I knew you
A home found within a fragile heart
Ancient wounds healed from a journey scarred in pain
You carried me away from death knowing there was a cost
You weren’t afraid then
When you risked it all and lied
Did you ever wonder if you’d do it all again
I don’t know if I could stomach it, knowing your intentions
Did you want to be afraid
When I shut you out and ran
Did you notice how I’d written down every single thing you took from me
Countless evenings filled with nightmares over who I failed to save
Were you afraid
When you realized it was the end
It didn’t seem like you were, it seemed like you were ready
No more final stands, no more goodbyes, no more flawed humanity
I’m afraid now that you’re not here
I should’ve done more to fix it while you were
The whispers of how I could’ve helped nestled in my bones, my hands shaking from the impact
I have to finish it, I have to see the end, the ****** cycle earning me forgiveness from a world that’s taken you