I wake up to your phantom touch
Imaginary kisses upon my neck
Perfume tangled in my sheets
Love letters laid across my bed

I know you’re just a text away
Minutes until you tell me something sweet
Never really been one for online love
But this feels a little different, a little deep

One day it won’t be so hard
Late night drives and midnight movies
Kissing until my head feels funny
I know this is something I want to keep

I was afraid for so long before I knew you
The terror of being left behind crawling up my insides
Bunching up behind my eyelids and burrowing beneath my skin
Threatening to burst out in pursuit of everyone I’ve lost

I didn’t want to be afraid soon after I knew you
Recounted all the names of love lost a thousand times
Spent all of my childhood wishes asking for it to be me instead of her, me instead of them
It had to mean something, other than this world being unforgiving

I didn’t have to be afraid long after I knew you
A home found within a fragile heart
Ancient wounds healed from a journey scarred in pain
You carried me away from death knowing there was a cost

You weren’t afraid then
When you risked it all and lied
Did you ever wonder if you’d do it all again
I don’t know if I could stomach it, knowing your intentions

Did you want to be afraid
When I shut you out and ran
Did you notice how I’d written down every single thing you took from me
Countless evenings filled with nightmares over who I failed to save

Were you afraid
When you realized it was the end
It didn’t seem like you were, it seemed like you were ready
No more final stands, no more goodbyes, no more flawed humanity

I’m afraid now that you’re not here
I should’ve done more to fix it while you were
The whispers of how I could’ve helped nestled in my bones, my hands shaking from the impact
I have to finish it, I have to see the end, the ****** cycle earning me forgiveness from a world that’s taken you

I told myself that one day it won’t hurt anymore
And I think that I was right
I’m learning how to work for it
I’m learning that it’s worth it to try

I promised myself that one day I’d let it go
And I don’t think I’m there yet
But I’m getting closer every second, every minute, every hour
I’m getting used to moving on from things that left me hardened

I know myself, and I know all the work that I’ve put in
I wish I could tell fifteen year old me she’s moving onto better things
I’m not as angry as I used to be, not as anxious or as sad
I understand the light inside of me isn’t something bad

one day I’m going to fall in love with a girl, and she’s going to make all the heartbreaks in the past look insignificant, except for the fact that they all led me to her, and she’s going to love all the parts of myself that I can’t stand, all the things that my mind has told me makes me unworthy of a love such as her’s, and I’m going to do the same for her, I’m going to love everything about her that the world has told her isn’t good enough, isn’t what she should be, and it won’t matter what our families have to say about it because we’ll have each other, and for once in my life I’m going to know that the person I’m with deserves me wholeheartedly, and she’ll be so good that I definitely won’t deserve her but that won’t matter either, because she’ll be my person and I’ll be her’s, because the universe will make sure that we’ll gravitate towards each other like we’re meant to, like we’re supposed to, and we’ll get married and have children and grow old together but our love for each other will never fade, even after we’re both gone, because I’ll never stop writing about her, about how her beauty lights up every room she’s ever entered, how her heart has healed everyone she’s opened up to, how she’s made me a better person through it all, and people years from now will read what I’ve written and they’ll just know, they’ll just know.

Everybody says I’m a force of nature
They say I speak too much, notice too much, feel too much
I can’t contain everything I’m thinking
Letting it spill out onto the people closest to me

I’ve tried so hard to push it down since I was a child
Can’t let them know how much this hurts me
Can’t let them know how badly I want to be free
I can’t show them how much my heart bleeds

My emotions are almost like an open wound
Leaking out of my hands and into the minds of those who I love the most
Not many can see the world through my eyes
I feel like I’m drowning in my own sensitivity

I miss how carefree we used to be when we were younger
When all we knew was each other and everything was so much easier
Two girls standing at the edge of the world, hearts unbroken
Unaware of how quickly things can change

Each lost in our way but it didn’t matter
You don’t have to have everything figured out when you have each other
And things will mend on their own if you let them
That’s what I told myself anyway, when things were hard

But things change and people grow as time goes by
We each began to bloom, always unique, always beautiful, always different
I had to learn to let you go and you had to do the same for me
And I can’t blame you for it, sometimes that’s just how things end up

I don’t want you to know I have days where I’m always on the verge of crying
Where everything reminds me of you, every song I listen to and every thought I have
Every word I write and every word I hear
You deserve to grow without me covering up the sun

I’ve given up on trying to invent things I hate about you
It’s silly to try and pretend that this loss is a win
The truth is I’ll always have love in my heart for you, no matter what the distance is between us
No matter how much either of us forget, that’s something I can always promise

When our lives became entangled I was so naive
I still believed in the universe and the people inside it
Wanting to trust in the inherent good of human life
I tore down my walls for you so easily

For years afterwards I stayed wishing that our paths had never crossed
That the stars would never have aligned
But now I’ve learned to treasure all the lies you’ve ever told me
Because they led to me realizing the larger truths

And all the pain and misery I’ve suffered at your hands
Yeah it can’t touch me anymore
And the way you used to play me is nothing but a bitter memory
A reminder of all the fear I fought through just to survive

I’ve grown through all the hurt
Pushed through the hard earth and bloomed
You wouldn’t know me if you saw me now
I’m too sweet for your reality

I see her everywhere I go
In between the lines of my favorite book
On the side of my bed that I never sleep on
Even behind my eyelids when I’m laying them to rest

I hear her too
Hidden inside my best friend’s laugh
Within the harmonies of the song playing in my earbuds
And in the quiet silence of my bedroom when I’m all alone

I can smell her just as well
In the cherry perfume the girls are spraying in the lockerroom
Within the scent of my mother’s homemade bread
And dancing throughout the aroma of rain in the air

I can even feel her
In the brush of someone’s fingertips against my skin
Curled up inside the weight behind my neck
And in the feeling of soft lips ghosting against mine

If I’m lucky I can taste her
In the sweetness of the strawberries that grow in the spring
Floating through the lemonade that cools me in the summer
And in the freezing ice cream that I buy so that I don’t overheat

She is everywhere
Taking over my brain and its senses
Telling me to focus on her and only her
I wonder if I could ever have the same effect on her

When I kiss her I feel like I’m drowning
The breath expelling from my lungs
Head ducking beneath the surface
Hands desperate to cling to something present and real

Her emerald eyes are beacons
Rising above the choppy waters
Signaling me to safety
Guiding my way to the shore

Her gaze tells me I’ll be safe there
Curled up inside the ship wreck of her ribcage
Breathing in her air
The salt stinging my tongue

When I spend my time getting trapped in love I tend to linger
My mind and my thoughts and my body
Telling me that I can’t live without you
That I will simply die without you

And yet here I am doing all the things my mind told me I never could
Making it on my own
Embarking on a journey of self love and peace
Without your noise telling me not to

Before I know it your name fades from my mind
It’s no longer filled with how are you’s and where are you’s
Just a simple silence replacing where your presence used to be
And that is when I realize I am free

I tend to forget who I am when I love somebody
Saying I need you in order to be me
Asking myself who I was before I let you consume me

Draining all my energy just to fill your cup and make it whole
Losing myself just to keep you around
I like to pretend I don’t fear being alone

So I sit here and beg
Promise me it’s love and say you’ll never leave
Tell me that you care and that I’m the only one you need
If you promise I swear I’ll give you all of me

I know I’ve told you about all my past lovers
All they did was hurt me
But I’m hoping that you might be different
Maybe I can convince myself that you’re the one that I need

And when you leave it’ll hurt worse than anything before it
But I’ll still let start all over from the beginning
Picking myself up off the floor again
On the hunt for a new soul to gain control of my heart

I’ll spend all my time searching worrying when the world will change
When it’ll send me an angel
Someone to save me love me never hate me
Maybe if I loved myself the way I wanna be loved I’d stop searching for it in someone else

I was brought into the world more delicate than a flower skin
With a heart so pure it was as if it was meant to be broken
The world took advantage of it
Inflicting fear and anxiety upon my innocent soul
Over things that I couldn't control
The pain simply wouldn't ease
I was sure it would be the end of me
Until one day something broke inside of me
The devil swooped out of his hiding place and made his way into my heart
He hardened every part of me until I was unrecognizable
Another one of his soldiers
Destined to carry out his deeds
A girl made of stone with no remorse left in her soul
Hungry for a chance to prove just how deadly she could be

I feel like I've spent my whole life on my knees
Begging people not to leave
Everything hurts so much more when you're in love
I just wish I could stop the feeling
Of fear I get in my gut
When someone gets upset with me
I'm sorry that I rocked the boat
Please tell me that you'll stick around

I don’t think anybody is going to understand what it felt like
To be lying in her bed
So close I could feel the heat radiating from her body
Inches away from contact

I don’t think anybody is going to understand what it felt like
To be awake at three am
Staring at her bedroom ceiling
Wishing she was wrapped up in my arms

I don’t think anybody is going to understand what it felt like
When her hand unknowingly brushed mine
And I had to bottle up my overwhelming feelings
Because I was aching to touch her

I don’t think anybody is going to understand what it felt like
To wake up the next morning
And hear her talk about her boyfriend
Reminding myself that this just wasn’t a good time

I don’t think anybody is going to understand what it felt like
When I had to see them together
Wishing I was in his place
And wishing she was mine

I’ve spent a lot of time recently looking back on my life
Years have gone by since I first figured it out
Since those butterflies first erupted in my gut
Since I realized what it meant to be looking at her like that

There are some things I’ll never forget
Like the first time I touched myself thinking about her
Or the first time she touched me
Or the first time I touched her

And lots of things have changed
The way I cut my hair
The music I listen to
The way I carry myself

I guess you could say it’s a good thing
I’m more sure of myself
I like the way I look now
And I know who my friends are

But some things are still the same
I still feel the electricity when my skin brushes hers
And I still get nervous to hold her hand where other people can see
But all the fear still goes away when she kisses me

And I don’t think I’d trade it for anything
The experts always say it’s not a choice
But truth be told, I’d choose this,
I’d choose her every time,
If they let me

The way you walk is an indicator of how many hearts you've broken
How many people you've left wondering why they weren't good enough
The way you smile tells the story of how your mother never loved you
How she made you learn to hate yourself
The way you write tells me that your thoughts are always quick and messy
And how you wish you had someone to slow them down
The way you look at me makes me hope that I could be that someone

I'd always hated cigarettes
At least until I watched you smoke
Icy hands and thin red lips
I'm convinced that you were determined to ruin me
Because every smile that you gave me made me want to join you
Out on the back porch, cigarette in hand
I no longer associated the smell of smoke with sickness, but with pretty thoughts of you
Your laugh
Your smile
The butterflies I got when your eyes locked with mine
God, I love you and your cigarettes

Her voice is the only sound that doesn't cause my head to ache
It's soft and sweet,
Just like the rest of her
And It's at times like these,
When my demons are tearing apart the last shred of hope that I've hidden inside my heart
And my room is so dark that I'm starting to question if I'll ever see the sun again,
That I wish she was here,
Whispering loving words to me, our hands intertwined
Because when I am with her, the warmth in her smile and the feeling of her hands on my skin makes me feel alive
She is absolutely everything to me

And of all the pretty girls I've loved, you were never one of them
Fragile feelings and toxic friendships
If you loved me as much as you said you did you wouldn't have hurt me
Because manipulation isn't love and I trusted you

And although I loved her,
Her name was a synonym for sad
And all the time I wasted clinging to her dying memory could've been better spent
On trying to escape the pain that I felt when I realized someone didn't love me

I want to feel the skin on my knuckles split when my hands connect with glass
I want to see my hands shake when the pain sets in
I want to feel the metallic taste of blood on my tongue
I want to look at what I've broken
A mirror
My best friend's trust in me
A mirror
The smiles that used to light my sisters' faces A mirror
Every chance at love I've ever had
A mirror
I've broken much more than a mirror

I can't help but feel as if I am in love with her The lingering touches
The hidden smiles
Private poetry, whispered in darkness
The unspoken confession of her true intentions
I want to know what makes her pure and what makes her a sinner
How can I break through the barrier that keeps love away from her

Her voice is the only sound that doesn't cause my head to ache

Her smile is the purest thing I've ever seen

And her lips are a gateway to heaven

Like an indescribable cure she does more healing than the pills ever could

Pain has no business being in my heart when her hands are on my skin

Our days spent together seem to stop time

The pink sunset skies I see outside my windows are eternal

The songs of the birds no longer sound generic

She creates beauty in the simplest places

She is everything

Although I know you are poison I would still let you back in
Excited for you to ruin me again and again and again
Until I've been beaten down to the point of giving up on you

You've caused me enough psychological damage  to last me a lifetime
Best friends forever
Best friends forever
Three words that cause my hands to shake and the blood in my veins to boil
You promised me forever and gave me two months
Were the "I love you's" just another way to get me to shut up
Did any of this year mean anything at all to you
Did I ever mean anything to you

I can tell myself you didn't mean a **** thing
I can say that I never needed you
I can tell everyone that I never loved you
But unfortunately I am an awful liar and they all know the truth
They know that I loved your green eyes and how you always smelled of cigarette smoke
They know that when I was high with you all I wanted was to taste your lips
They know that I loved you
They know
They know it all
But do you?

The amount of time I spent keeping you alive was love
The notes and the hugs and the promises of forever was love
I said I loved you every single day and I truly meant it
I guess I wasn't enough

It's almost like I want to keep you tucked away in my shirt pocket
Not all the time but occasionally
Just on the days when their words are too sharp
Or when the mirror isn't kind

It's almost like I want to breathe you in
Your love and your warmth and your spirit
Everything that makes you lovely
Traveling along my bones, collecting in my fingertips
Purely you

I'm moving too quickly
My brain constantly set on fast forward with occasional rewinds
Just to stress over things I can't change
Let me know if it's too much
I hope you know how much I want you to stay

I cannot comprehend how lovely you are
Everything about you is like a dream
Bright eyes and dandelions
Soft skin and warm breath
You carry the kindness that this dull world needs

Hands roaming
Skin touching
Eyelashes fluttering
You are so lovely

Soft brown eyes
Dilated pupils
Quiet moans
I love you I love you I love you

Parted lips
Messy kisses
I just want you
She whispers

My love and I
Holding hands as our bodies unwind
I think she saw God
I think I did too

Farewell to heart palpitations and sweaty palms
Goodbye to quick breathing and butterflies
Hello to a numb heart, cold and unfeeling
Lost in a daze of what ifs and maybes
Do I want her
Do I want this
A never ending cycle of toxicity
I warned you to stay away
And yet you keep on pushing
Stay away from my friends and stay away from me
I don't need your vile presence soaking up my inner peac

I enjoy editing my history
Taking away the pain and replacing it with something better
Forget the broken hearts and ****** knuckles
She loved you she loved you she loved you
Tell them that she loved you
Forget the lavender bruises and the ache in your brain
She kissed you she kissed you she kissed you
Tell them that she kissed you
Forget the endless tears and the way your body burns
She stayed she stayed she stayed
Tell them that she stayed

Do not call me by your nicknames
I can see the poison dripping off your tongue
Do not touch me without consent
This body is mine and mine alone
Do not tell me to stay quiet
My words could spark a revolution
Do not try to control me
My power is unbridled and vicious
Do not mistake me for weak
I am a force to be reckoned with

You're not like the other girls I've loved
Your laugh is like the embodiment of summer
Warm weather and flowers blooming
Two girls with sun kissed skin and strawberry lips, that's us
Please don't ever go away my love
I don't think I could stand it if you did

Girl I just wanna kiss you and get lost in it
You're my home away from home and I feel like we fit
Like two puzzle pieces destined to be together
I just wanna be with you no matter the weather
And you know the pain has been real for a while
Been feeling like giving up even though I still smile
But with you by my side I feel like maybe I can win
Being alive is too precious and I can't just give in

Girl I know you're gonna miss the way I touched you
You said it every time I went away
So tell me what's the difference since we're not together anymore
My ability to please didn't leave when you did
So keep on lying to yourself and all your friends
Tell them you don't miss the way I smile or the way I laugh
And tell yourself you don't miss the way I left you begging for more
I'm telling you now
If you don't come back soon, I'm gonna find somebody else
Got a million girls trying to be in your spot
Don't think I won't go and replace you
Once I decide it's over then you won't get a second chance
I know you know I'm better than all of your ex boyfriends
So why are you wasting your time, pretending you regret everything we did
You better make up your mind
If we what we had was special
If you miss me like I know you will
You better come back and prove it to me soon
Otherwise you're going to lose

My whole body aches when I think of you
You were like a drug I couldn't get out of my system
Attention from you was my cure
An ailment to the sickness you birthed inside my body
Like you were a parasite and I was the host
I was overflowing with your essence
Your demonic sense of entitlement
You made me out to be a monster when you were the real cause for alarm
Everyday I question why god abandoned me the day I met you
Why the universe allowed something so twisted to latch onto my spirit
Couldn't it have been anybody else?
Why was I the one left for the slaughter?
I was so young and so naive when I met you
Now I'm a shell of the girl I used to be
Hardened and crusted over from the inside out
The softness I used to possess has escaped me
I'm no longer the girl everybody used to love
Now I'm abrasive and loud and I don't take any ****
Looking back on it I guess I can thank you for making me like this
At least I know what I'm worth

I'm doing it again
Biting my tongue so as not to rock the boat
Shrinking in on myself
I don't like that feeling
You know I say I pride myself on being unapologetic
Yet I can't express myself when somebody else is in the room
I gotta learn to take up space
I gotta learn to speak my mind
I gotta learn to say what I mean and not take it back the second someone disagrees
I know who I am and I know who I love
I  know my worth
And I know that a difference in opinion shouldn't be enough to shut me up

In a perfect world I can imagine us together
Your lips taste like honey and your minds like a storm
As you pull me in closer I know I'll never get bored
I grab your hand and I whisk you away
To a safe place where I wish we could stay
However it's all just imaginary
My brain's just making up pretty lies
Because the truth is my love we are so far apart
And my heart just can't take it but I'll never give up
It may be long distance love but I would never dare trade it
Because you my dear make everything worth it