The Creep That Loved You

They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
They're taking the hobbits to isengard!
THE HOBBITS THE HOBBITS THE HOBBITS THE HOBBITS TO ISENGARD TO ISENGARD

Somedays I wish





you and I




would get caught alone

in a life and death situation where nothing matters anymore and any responsibilities or complications that used to exist have faded because we are going to die anyway so I could find out what is really on your mind, so I could tell you everything, because why not at that point? So I could tell you everything I've done, how I really feel and why I did so many things, everything that has happened to me, and hope that maybe, in our last moments of life, you would understand.

Psychological issues?

Sure.

I've got plenty.

I don't know exactly when it started
But some time ages ago
During elementary school
I just felt so worthless
Like I was numb
I wanted to feel
But I didn't know how
And it wasn't a sharp pain
I would welcome a sharp pain
It was dull ache that wouldn't leave me
I froze in my own icy thoughts
Maybe it was the loneliness
Or all the things those girls said to me
Maybe it was the insults or the whispers
Or maybe it was just my twisted mind
But whatever the cause
I tried to **** myself
When I was just a little 11 year old girl
When some girls were still playing with Barbies in secret
I was secretly playing with knives and ropes
I would take that blade
And scratch a cut into my wooden headboard
One slit in the wood for every moment that I wanted to die
Because I was too young back then to even think of my wrist
That came later
A few years later
And still
There are days where I just feel so horrible and sad and broken
For absolutely zero reason
It doesn't make sense
Nothing bad is even happening
But I feel shattered
I spent a year feeling so. hollow.
So f!cking hollow
I felt like I couldn't breathe
Like I wasn't alive
I spent entire days
Not speaking
I still miss the cuts sometimes, honestly
I like my scars
Which sounds terrible
But I trace them with my fingernails absentmindedly some days
During the darker nights
It comforts me
Because even though I’m not going to cut myself ever again
I can jolt myself into remembering the pain
And it is a form of relief in itself
I don’t know
Not something I can explain
Is that depression?
Probably not though, I feel bad suggesting it in front of people who actually for sure have depression when I haven't been analyzed
But still, it's not impossible I guess

I spent 5 years
From grade 5 through to grade 9
Which is pretty **** young
Feeling fat
Hating my body
Hating myself
I can see my ribs but I still feel fat
It’s okay I can fix that
Eating a little less
Skip a meal
Just skip lunch
Just eat a tiny breakfast, no lunch
No breakfast, no lunch but it’s okay because I have a good dinner
I think I’m losing weight
Is it bad that I’m in grade 5 and thinking like this?
This is great
I think it’s working
I’m in grade 6 now
Maybe I won’t be worthless if I become skinny
I can still see my ribs
I could from the beginning
But I still feel fat
Okay, less dinner now
Hide it well
Let’s switch
No lunch, a little dinner and a bit of breakfast
Just enough to stay alive
Although how much to I really want to stay alive?
Fat.
Look at my legs
Look at their legs
My thighs God I hate my thighs
Eat less
Eat less and less
Until I’m basically surviving on snacks and just the beginnings of each meal
Just enough to take a few bites before they leave the room for a minute
Just long enough for me to throw away my food
But I don’t think I’m losing weight
I will never be enough
7th grade
Just a little less
Don’t tell any of them
Losing pounds
Check my reflection
I still feel fat
I try to be less so I can feel like I’m more
But does the number on the scale even matter anymore?
I’m promising and promising I ate before I came
But these pretty little lies are driving even me insane
And they can’t see through my smile they can’t figure it out
I’m slowly killing myself
From the inside out
Pretty soon, “I don’t feel well” is my favorite phrase and an everyday thing
A justification for my small portions that I don’t finish
It’s true though
I don’t feel well
I feel worthless.
It continues into 8th and 9th grade
Worse and worse
Looking up the calories of different food
Surviving on water and tea
Just enough food to stay alive
Though I really don’t care that much about my own survival, really
Is that anorexia nervosa?
I doubt it
But it’s a possibility I guess

I look in the mirror
And I feel so f!cking ugly
I literally cannot find ONE thing I like about myself
I cannot leave the house without makeup
Because I am SO ashamed of my own face
I genuinely feel bad for the people who have to see my face
I cry sometimes, because I look in the mirror and see my own worthless hideousness
I remember that sleepover I was invited to with the popular girls and I wondered why
When I got locked in a closet, got soap sprayed in my mouth and locked outside in the freezing cold snow without pants on when I was just trying to change into my night clothes
That’s when I knew I had been invited just so they could torment me
I don’t like being the entertainment for the party
I tried to just go to sleep because if I called home I would look like a coward
And my mother who NEVER let me go to sleepovers would get to say “I told you so”
And when they thought I was asleep
But I wasn’t
I listened to them talk for a full hour
My eyes on the clock
My ears on their conversation
“Is she asleep”?
I didn’t know they were talking about me until I heard them mention my name
When they talked for a full f!cking hour
In detail
About why I was ugly
On what levels I was ugly
The degree of my ugliness
I didn’t cry
I didn’t sit up and tell them I could hear them
It would be too humiliating
I listened
And I know they are right
But now it’s getting bad
My face doesn’t even look human to me anymore
It looks like some sort of beastly troll’s face
It looks f!cking hideous
My mother is worried about me
Because I can’t even look myself in the mirror when I have no makeup on
Because I Freak. Out when it is suggested that I might have to be in public without hiding my ugly face in makeup
It literally affects my ability to function properly in everyday life.
The thing is, those girls said it
And they ALL agreed
So if I REALLY had dysmorphia
Then it would all be in my mind
And if they all agreed I was hideous
Then I must be
So how can it be imagined?
I don’t know
Anyway
My point is
I suppose
MAYBE
It is possible
I have dysmorphia

But
Depression
Anorexia Nervosa
Dysmorphia

Those possible diseases of the mind
I
Have multiple
Psychological issues

BUT OCD IS NOT F!CKING ONE OF THEM

How dare he suggest such a thing
Just because I
“Always seem to be working towards something”
Excuse me for not getting drunk and high and naked
Putting off work
Not caring about anything
It’s not OCD though
It’s just called going somewhere in life
Because I may as well
Since in my mind
I’m hopelessly lost

MY MOTHER AND I IN THE CAR:

Mom: What ever happened to that boy you told me about?

Me: Oh, we kind of just stopped talking.

WHAT EACH OF US REALLY MEANT:

Mom: So, are you in some kind of secret relationship I don't know about? Are you meeting people without me hearing about it? Are you sneaking out at night to drink and do drugs and strip and sleep with boys? Do you have a love life? Tell me about everything so I can know every little detail of your life, freak out about it, obsess over it and lock you in a tower so you never ever date anyone ever or have any kind of a life because I am worried about you and I don't trust you but I love you so I am going to be as overprotective as physically possible.

Me: He turned out to be someone different than who I thought he was.
And also I don't trust you we have a terrible mother-daughter relationship and I will never confide in you because you would never understand that emotions are not logical and you are not always right mom. I love you, but I could never put my faith in you or count on you to carry me when I am broken.

I don't like good dreams because when I wake up I realize how impossible what my mind just made up really is.

I love you in the way when the darkness falls
And we're both laying there without a sound
I can feel comfortable drifting away to sleep
With our legs intertwined, arms in uncomfortable positions, my lips barely touching your neck, your fingertips outlining the curvatures of my face
I look for the words to not say to disturb this ounce of a scrapbook moment that is placed right within our grasp
I know that when I wake up in the morning you'll be gone
Yet, I still dream of falling asleep while you're there

If you love someone so much
That you would cross an ocean for them
*What does it matter
If all your bridges have been burned?

The way I look at you two
Is like a sweet syrupy luster
That coats and envelops you both
Like a dream of only the most divine

My heart bursts with how I feel
For both of you
And I can't quite articulate how I feel
Out loud without breaking into tears

I know already of the missing I will do:
I will miss you both
I will miss living here
I will miss you asking me if I'm going to bed soon
When I am staying up late doing homework
I will miss car rides talking
I will miss laughing with you
I will miss being close to you
I will miss crude humor
I will miss piano lessons
I will miss home cooked dinners
I will miss sitting on your bed at three in the morning asking advice
I will miss your laugh that resonates throughout a room
I will miss his smile
I will miss his stubborn ways of tying railroad spikes to everything
To keep them in place
I will miss the "Do you need a rides?"
The "Is there anything I can do to help?"'s
I will miss the way you make me feel better
Even after the worst day of my life
I will miss the bond we share

And even though you will only be a phone call away
I will miss *us