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6.2k · Aug 2018
Insecurity Roller Coaster
I'm so lonely and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it.
How could I convince myself that it would be ok to find someone to be with in a physical way, knowing that I am just using them to make these miserable loneliness feelings go away?
What am I doing wrong to cause these feelings to relentlessly incinerate my mind every night?
Why does my desire to be close to someone else override my instincts, dull my sense of priority, and numb my enthusiasm for life?
What kind of person am I if I am ruled by pleasure-seeking cravings that probably can only be temporarily satisfied anyway?
When will the time come when these lustful alarms ringing in my mind calm down enough to disguise themselves, allowing me to pretend to not be a desperate love-starved clingy loser who can never escape the top of my own priority list, no matter how many other things compete with being close with women who I am attracted to?
When will I live and breathe through a day without thinking about ways to find myself in situations with women who I am attracted to, knowing all the while that my toxicity stands a more-than-fair chance of either running them away or misrepresenting myself to manipulate until I can no longer hide who I disgustingly am?
What will it take to quell my constant need for approval and attention?
How will I ever satisfy this desire, anyway, since I am consistently attracted to women who have no interest in approving of who I am and humoring or ignoring women who see me as a good person?
What am I doing chasing women who don't want to be with me?
Why do I think that if I keep texting, complimenting, or joking with girls who I am attracted to, they will suddenly find me completely attractive, even though they clearly don't?
How low would I have to go to be more interested in unraveling a girl physically instead of thinking about getting to know her, understanding her mind, and prioritizing her own interests and well-being above all else?
Why does my lustful and obsessive nature have to so strongly contradict my ability to behave in a way that makes me sexually attractive?
Why do I selfishly choose to express myself even though the only person who benefits from it is me and everyone else either laughs at me and thinks I'm a fool or decides to smile and walk away since I am not giving them any benefit?
What kind of person would be attracted to a passive reluctant caring individual such as myself, and then remain attracted to me when they learn that I am truly a passionate aggressive obsessive over-the-top unstable rambler?
What am I supposed to do if the years go by and I keep adding questions to my list of insecurities and my perseverance in this constantly losing battle fades away?
What am I supposed to tell my family and friends and grandparents when they ask me if I have been meeting any girls?
How can I try to sell myself to girls knowing what a toxic mess I am?
How can I try to sell myself to girls knowing how frequently girls who get close to me no longer want to spend time with me?
Why does everyone look at me with pity?
Why do I keep chasing girls who don't love me, or like me, or think I am sexually attractive, at all?
Why do I think I deserve that?
Why do I tumble around with fear in my head instead of getting up and doing something about the lust that I feel?
Why can't I participate in hook-up culture?
Who would really care if I did?
Why can't I go into it imagining that I will just ignore the person I hookup with and hope that they reciprocate and ignore me so that they don't have to realize how dumb I am?
Why can't I be charismatic enough to at least have some friends with whom I have ****** relationships with and not get carried away with?
Why do I take everything so seriously?
Why do I still feel like I did seven years ago?
Why do I still have the same obsessions?
How am I so mature in some ways and so stunted in others?
How come I excel in areas of my life that I don't care about at all and I can't even come close to being successful in the ones that I really do care about?
Why does being sexually attractive mean so much to me even though I already reject girls who find me attractive?
Why am I so shallow?
Why do I question and mourn the decisions girls who I am attracted to make when I hypocritically do the exact same thing to girls who are attracted to me?
When did I become such a hypocrite?
Why am I so happy and joyous and optimistic for the people I love when I don't have what I want?
If I got what I wanted, would I just take it for granted like I do everything else and then just want more, or want something else?
Why are we so greedy?
What am I going to do with my life when my lust declines and I no longer have a humongous problem to obsess over?
Why is this problem so consuming that I can't just ignore it and try to be normal like people do, and like I usually do?
Why do all of these thoughts form during the day and then explode all over my perception at night?
Will I ever be ready to love someone?
Will I ever be ready to love someone and not be selfish?
Will I ever love someone who loves me back?
Is love just mutual ****** attraction with linguistic agreements and complacency?
Will I ever love someone who doesn't eventually hate me?
Am I made to do everything but be a romantic partner?
Is there something absolutely wrong with me that I am in denial about?
Do I seriously need to become more self-aware? I doubt it.
Will I ever be enough for someone who I want to be enough for?
Could I maybe even be more than enough?
Can I increase my worth to make these problems go away?
Do I constantly put myself in these situations and relationships to torture myself?
Will I eventually give up?
Would that be good?
Will I ever learn?
Will I ever change?
Does doing stuff like this hurt me or help me?
Does it help you?
Hopefully.
I am on a roller-coaster of fear, insecurity, loneliness, lust, and depression and I can't believe how many emotions I have.
I'm so lonely and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it.
2.9k · Oct 2015
Pain Moves Us
1.
I'm sorry for your Pain
Surely it has made your scared
And surely not all of it is fair
But know it's only in your mind
And it makes you one of our kind
I'm sorry for your Pain

I'm sorry for your Allergies
or any other problems
Disease is unjust as this life
And those that aren't undone
Can take life as quick as it comes
Or faster, it some cases
I only hope that my disease
That unto yours, erases
I'm sorry for your Allergies

I'm sorry for your Inequality
If I had one and you had two
I'd walk right up and say thank you
If you had two and I had one
It would not be, I would just run
But, Oh! I lament that it is so
For I have all, and I do know
People in our world fight to live
People in our world fail to live
Simple differences account for some
Tell me how you have come undone
Into a world in which our fear
Makes people want to not be here
I love you more, but that's not now
I cannot express, infinitely how
I'm sorry for your Inequality

I'm sorry for the Night
If ever it is dark outside
And you feel under pressure
Believe that darkness is alright
Believe that there is love in the absence of the light
You cannot see, but I love it
Darkness is who I am
Darkness is why we have some light
Darkness is what I am
And you are light, well, it is so
Always in my own eyes
Without darkness, if only light
There would be no surprise
I'm sorry for the Night

I'm sorry for your Misconceptions
Gradual pain lacking detection
Though you can't feel it, it isn't right
Behold what keeps me up at night
Money, fear, and imitation
All electronic stimulation
It's all vanity for let me say
It shouldn't really be that way
Arrows point you along the lines
To blind you from what you can find
I won't change you, you're independent
I'm sorry for your Misconception

I'm sorry for your Orders
I'm sorry since they make
You do for others, but listen now
It's surely a mistake
Collaboration makes us whole
Orders tear us apart
Doing for them will make your life
Begin to fail to start
Only do for others if they would do for you!
And if you do for others, do it also for you
For those who blindly follow feel so found, but are so lost
And acting for others all your life has an infinite cost
I'm sorry for your Orders

I'm sorry for your Violence
It's not right for us to fight
To use anger to express spite
People who hit surely don't know
What you would say, though it is so
I've heard you say it's not deserved
I've seen you ignore what you've heard
When you are hurt is my worst fear
I hope in your heart, I am near
For this message will take you through
And make a free person of you
I'm sorry for your Violence

I'm sorry for your Ego
Now, I'm glad you have some pride
We are all the same and you will know
This, if you look inside
There's no reason to feel as though
You're above or below
We are all made of dust of stars
And if you look, it shows
However, if you stand above
And you do so not out of love
I suspect that you may not see
That I am you, and you are me
I hope we come together so
We can all love and hear,
If we compromise our egos,
We shall be free of fear
I'm sorry for your Ego

I'm sorry for your Sadness
Though it does have a function
It may halt you from progressing
At an emotion junction
Oh, how I feel! How I struggle
To see you being sad
But I move on, for I do know
This sadness should be had
Sadness can never be deserved!
And at times, it's not right
But as sadness is like the dark,
Our love can be the light
So when you fall remember this,
From the bottom of the cup
As love fills up your spirit now
The water goes right up!
In this moment, please have no fear
Please fight to carry on
The sadness will be what saves you
Unless you're already gone
I'm sorry for your Sadness

Though I want you to have no pain,
Sorry, it isn't right
You now have oh, so much to gain
For let me shed some light:

2.
I'm not sorry for your Understanding
For since you clearly see
You understand our culture, here,
and you understand me
Oh, how I fight! Oh, how I seek!
I live to understand
Understanding does bring
And as it enhances my mind
It does a greater thing
It gives me my most sacred power
Which is to empathize with you
It makes it so I know what's false
And what I love, that is what's true
Understanding is all I need
To make this life complete
I look at you and understand
What it's like to walk in your feet
And what a majestic time it is!
To see someone and know
That all I've done and all they've done
Have led us here, to where we go
To meet and see each other's love
And burn each other's fear
When you help me understand you
Is truly only when I hear
I'm not sorry for your Understanding

I'm not sorry for your Sorrow
Even if regret can harm
Regret can consume your entire life
Or compromise your charm
Yet here, know this! You open up
When you apologize
And if you knew what it really was
It would be a surprise
Your sorrow is so humble
Your sorrow shapes your life
So long as sorrow teaches you
And please, without a knife
The function is for you to learn
To correct a bad fate
And now, all you need to do
Is not repeat mistakes
And please be free! For beyond that
Sorrow is but a waste
Take what the sorrow teaches you
And then, before it's too late,
Forget the pain, and do move on
It can be hard, I know
But once you love with what you've learned
The efforts of your sorrow show
I'm not sorry for your Sorrow

3.
Laterally and downward
Crazily like a pup
This is only what you expect
But it is only up

Like a madman scribbling
Or a child bored in class
Pain drags us along for a crazy ride
As if we have no mass

But listen here! Because I love
I can tell you why
Your pain just makes you beautiful!
Your pain just makes me cry

All of my new found perceptions
Enhance my life tenfold
But what you hear is born of pain!
I'm so warmed by the cold

And judge me not, but understand
I love the pained, the hurt
I love them more for their presence
Is such a wonderful work

I will plainly continue and say that your pain makes you beautiful. When I speak to my brothers and sisters who are mentally challenged, homosexual, or any other type of minority, I feel so loved and lucky to be in their presence because I know they had to fight harder to get to a point that they could look into my eyes and smile through their adversity. Pain has brought me gratitude!! Because since my pain made me isolated, so much as an acknowledgement makes me feel so loved. Pain has brought me perception!! Because I see the same gratefulness in others and it makes me understand that we all love those who share our pain. And along those lines, most importantly, pain brings us together. You should embrace your pain and wear in on your shoulder since you fought through it, you earned it, and by sharing it with others, we find what we truly have in common. Every person who shares their pain let's the struggling brothers and sisters know they are not alone! Pain is darkness, but by letting people know their pain is not abstract, we shed light unto their pain and we all love each other better and more productively.

I lost control, but just know this
Beauty is only pain
And from sharing the pain you have
Such love you have to gain!
It's another one where the letters, PAIN MOVES US, spell out sections 1 and 2, then I just had to go on a tangent since I love how much pain is beauty in my life and I hope you can love people through pain like I do because it is one of the best parts of my life
2.5k · Nov 2017
Feather
You’d like if I was a rock,
You want me to act all hard
Not capable of shock,
Stable, strong, and without scars

I’m not that heavy
I’m not even tethered
To the ground beneath my feet
Instead I fly like a feather

Fly like a feather,
Up in the sky
Falling victim to the weather
Yeah all day and night, I fly like a feather
Fly like a feather

We all get caught up
In various places
Wearing various faces
Inside various races
Racing to the day
When we finally come face to face
With what we want until we have it
And we wear it as a bracelet
But once you get the bracelet,
Soon you’ll want the necklace
And soon you’ll have a checklist
And soon you’ll go out reckless
And drop all that you have
Until you get the cracked message
That your enemies are headless
Fallen victim to your leverage.
Can I get a beverage?
I’m way too thirsty
I’m a feather in a whirlwind
And all of this wind is whirling
I don’t know what I want
And I want what I can’t control
And I’m admitting it, for once,
That I have many shallow goals
And all of my real goals
Don’t really reach to my soul
I have this beautiful life I stole
Smiling faces, honor role,
But when I’m faced with a storm
Of someone whose wonder I can’t code
Then my mind short circuits
And it’s stuck on flying and rolling

Like a feather
Up in the sky
Falling victim to the weather
Yeah all day and all night, I fly like a feather
Like a feather

What everybody wants from me,
Would that make my life so much better?
Should I try to soak up some water
To make myself a bit wetter
So I can shiver and die
In this cold harsh reality
Instead of daring to keep flying
To keep everyone else without me?
I’m doubting my reasons
My instinctive seasons
That command, keep marching
That command keep bleeding
Out your heart, mind, and soul
Even though it’s so shallow
But sometimes shallow runs deep
When your mind stuck in the shadow
Of your dreams, dreams manipulated by hormones
I’m stuck in fantasies of wanting to not be alone
But there’s attraction involved
And my problem is not solved
Should I go for what I want
Or leave this issue unresolved?
Well, I tried pursuing girls, twice I succeeded
But to sum it up mildly,
My progress was deleted
And my good intentions,
Well, those were defeated
And I got what I deserved
Because I’m chuck full of weakness.
Dreamless, I moved back to isolation
Where I was told how to act
And told to just be patient
But I’m not a monk
And I’m not yet muted
So when I meet a cute girl
My final thesis is proven,

I just fly like a feather
Up in the sky
Falling victim to the weather
Yeah, all day and all night I fly like a feather
I fly like a light feather

What’s better,
Acting normal until you and me are together
Or expressing myself explicitly and making you not get hurt
By showing you how I’m thirsty
Sending texts and writing letters?
Let me know what you prefer
Don’t make this choice subjective.
I’m in your storm, I’m moved by your beauty
It’s the rain and the wind,
The appearance and intelligence
I want this and I turn you away
I can’t escape, I love every day
In my mind there’s nothing,
But there’s so much to say
I don’t think when you fly me,
You just whisk me away
And I’m never worried here
In this storm, this blessing,
Why are my words smart?
Why are my words jesting?
Is this manipulation,
Am I treating you right?
Can I ask more questions
Is this the day before the night?
Is this the light to the dark,
The storm before the calmness
Of the upcoming loneliness
I’ll feel when you don’t return my call?
When your storm stops and never comes again at all?
Well, like, I said, I might want to be a stone,
So once your storm’s done, fine,
I’ll be a feather alone
Until again I’m a feather blown
So light, so free,
So without any control
This is all I’ll ever be!

I fly like a feather
Up in the sky
Falling victim to the weather
All day and all night I fly like a feather
Fly like a feather

I wish we could be together
Up in the sky
Having love, making weather
All day and all night, whether wrong or whether right,
I fly like a feather
1.6k · Aug 2013
Simplicity
This is a poem I am writing for all of the clouds out there who drift lazily through the sky on the dream of short-lived lives.
For the dogs who run around having no long term goals or dreams.
How I envy all of the simple existences that I see around me constantly.
When you are a person in today's modern society, it seems as if it is inevitable to lead a troublesome life, what with things like Facebook, Photography, and Freedom.
So what does this contradictory word complexity even symbolize in the miracle of the English language?
Complexity is the person who you love, and all of the feelings and thoughts that they provoke.
It is the red door, that stands for so much more, in that book that your English teacher tried to explain.
Complexity is the idea that by virtue of being accustomed to modern life, we have the determination to overlook the simple things in life...but that is kind of complicated.
Once we all learn our own primary language, the mind naturally expands to things like thoughts, feelings, ideas, hopes, desires, and all of these are accented by feelings.
So what is simplicity?
Simplicity is the formation of birds that are migrating south.
It is the sound of grass in the wind, the taste of water after a hot day.
As complex beings, we naturally strive to find simple things, because after a while, the complex thoughts expire.
But people love being complicated, so much that they try to find intricate patterns in the simplest things; even in death.
Although most people have the intellectual capacity to think complicated thoughts, that should not prevent them from loving the simple things in life.
What is lucky about our flexible minds is that we are allowed to decide what is simple and what is complex.
For example, a spider's web. It is a beautiful creation made of silky, withstanding string that latches on to any small piece of matter it can find. The web is the spiders shelter, it helps it to sustain life and to put bread on the table, or dead bugs as the case may be.
On the other hand, a spider's web is its home. The spider has one simple purpose in life, to survive off of the web. An existence with one goal, objective, and dream, to create a web is simple in a most beautiful way.
Being allowed to make anything in life, including life itself, as simple or as complicated as we like is without a doubt one of the most amazing powers we possess as human beings.
When encountered with presentations of pure beauty, I have begun to try to keep them simple in my mind, for the sake of trying to embrace the beauty for what it is, be it a colorful sunset, an undefined relationship, or the red door that doesn't stand for anything more.
So next time you go to think about something and make it your own, think before you think.
Classic, wrote back in July on some writing trip to Ireland
1.6k · Mar 2018
Light
Light snow. Warm blanket. Helping. Typing. Looking outside. Looking inside. Warmth. Gross. Sticky. Old. Unattractive. Alone. Looking into a window full of people who can help you. Alone. Not trusting yourself. Cars go by. Quickly. Alone. Every mind and every car. One. The life a snowflake lives as it falls. Gone. Looking into someone's eyes. Running away. Wondering what someone sees in your eyes. Wishing its what they want. Wishing its not what you think. Alone. Not trusting yourself. Hoping there's a different life ahead. Some time. Possibly in the near future. Alone. Times of feeling with other people. Together. Not trusting yourself. Lying. Rejecting. Foolishly complaining. Alone. Snowflakes moving upwards, back towards the sky, because of the wind. Unrealistic. Calm relaxing music. Fear. Alone. Not trusting yourself. Multiple voices telling you to do different things. Together. Alone. Being stuck between survival options and dying. Alone. Wanting to call out but doubting the purity of your own intentions. Knowing everyone else has a life that is not yours. Knowing everyone else has a life that is full of things they want to do. Independent. Without you mostly. Mostly wanting to not bother anyone. Alone. Not trusting yourself. Asking for help indirectly. Making sure that the person has a way to back out. Escape. Pretend they can't see what is happening. Not seeing what is happening. Not trusting yourself. Alone. The ground that looks unaffected by the snow. The ground that stays and is sometimes buried, but it always comes back. Even. Fair. Thinking about how many people feel. Thinking about what people feel. Wanting specific things. Wanting to talk to specific people. Having trouble trusting people. Not trusting yourself. Alone. Sitting. Music. Typing. Nothing. Papers. Time. Life. Together. Snow. Trust. Ground. Trees. Harm. Fear. Running. Escape. Annoy. Harass. Pretend. Turning. Playing. Focusing. Trust. Away. Fear. Together. Alone.
1.5k · Aug 2017
Your List
After many lost and half-won battles,
I never thought it would come to this.
I know your bliss and know your burdens,
Do not put me on your list!

I'm not giving up, I'm rearranging.
Towards you, I'd never be remiss.
I love you so much, I let you go,
And off I will ride, blowing a kiss!

I've fought so hard to climb your rankings,
I've cried many tears and slammed my fists.
When you run away, I will be thanking
That you gathered enough sense to abandon ship!

I love people who've moved me down
Or even crossed me off completely.
If I don't provide you with any fulfillment,
Why on earth would you not delete me?

Where you're on my list is a secret,
Do not take that into account.
Consider only how you're treated
And let your list battle it out!

I never want to outrank you,
Your academics, or your friends.
And if you're lustful, as I imagine,
I could never quite outrank ***!

Sometimes for you, they come in twos,
A two for one deal, so to speak.
You identify a perfect specimen,
Disclaimer; it is not me.

Anyway, this beautiful human,
Might have some *** appeal and more!
I realize you'll see them as having everything,
And rework your list in an attempt to score

I've seen such changes, such drastic switches,
When physical connection's on the line!
You cling to dreams, you make many wishes,
But this? Oh, well, never mind.

Regardless, don't make your list shared,
Like a group project google doc.
Only you can make the edits!
And make edits, don't ever stop!

Follow your ambitions, do what you want,
Travel, love, sing, and dance!
Study hard, go to the gym,
And give your wildest dreams a chance!

I was once a list climber,
I'd walk right up and say add me!
I'd walk right up and say higher!
I'd walk right up, but now I'm free!

Your list is on you! Take responsibility!
Don't let any list climbers climb!
Move them around like little cherries,
But don't you think of touching mine!

Some list cherries will be quite ripe,
And some rare ones stay ripe forever,
Some are rotten through the spine,
But they might hide it to be clever!

The scariest of all the cherries
Are those who look good, but contain
Poinsonous juices and false fairies,
To choose to be one is insane!

But rotten cherries need not worry,
For these cherrries can learn self control.
Once they realize their toxic nature,
They can completely reverse their goal!

Move up a list? They instead attempt
To hide away and be avoided.
I, my friend, am one of those cherries!
Do not drink my poison!

It's said that there are some brave souls,
Who would sip poison every day
Just to get closer with these cherries
And immunize themselves day by day!

And then, once their immunity stabilizes,
They'd move these cherries up the list!
This challenge is not to be taken lightly,
And it goes awry whenever it is!
Trust me, for some have drank my poison,
And they never want to see me again!

Be patient Nick, my therapists say,
Brave souls will wow you off your feet,
They'll drink your poison easily
And ask you when you're free to eat!

It's not easy to let me fool you,
It's not easy to try to not hide,
But don't be worried! I won't trick you!
I'll just show you what's inside.

And add me to your list? You'll know,
This would clearly be a gainless act
I love to love you so much and want what's best,
Thank goodness for my caring tact!

I can't believe I was a climber!
I'm so sorry world, never again!
And this poem is just a reminder
About how your wishes to list me should end.

The pity add is quite common,
Let climbers climb, they'll never know
That their addition to the list is false!
You take these climbers and their hopes

And raise them up and slam them down
Once they get too close to you!
How do I know this viscious pattern?
I have been pity added too!

Desperate times, desperate measures,
You hope to placate a climber's drive,
You think your attention is their treasure,
And will them to plainly survive!

It's a long way up and a long way down
When you are upon someone's list.
When you think upon your items,
Think long and use a steady wrist!

After many lost and half-won battles,
I never thought it would come to this.
I know your bliss and know your burdens,
Do not put me on your list!
It's about priorities
1.3k · May 2015
Graduation Speech & Rap
Hello, York Suburban! It’s great to be here today, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be...speaking...than right here...with all of my awesome classmates. I can’t believe we made it here, you know, this was a really great experience, going through school and everything. Back in the day, before our generation became obsessed with social media and electronic stimulation, I used to have a past-time that I greatly enjoyed. I don’t practice this...practice, much anymore, but back when I was young, I used to watch cable tv a lot. I know, I’m really dating myself here. When I say dating myself, I mean, we’ve been dating for a little over 18 years, myself and I, that is. Anyway, watching tv, yes, and when I used to watch tv, I saw what our media portrays as a usual high school life. And much like everything the media portrays, I later found out that high school is nothing like how it is portrayed. I used to think it would be a bunch of young adults standing around, talking about each other, with each other, waiting a few tenths of a second for the studio audience to start laughing, that part was definitely only on tv. (If no laughs, move on. If laughs, say, maybe it wasn’t only on tv). Anyway, yeah, they were all standing around talking on tv, so young, gullible me, I thought  I would just stand around and talk for four years. In order to prepare for this activity known as high school, I proceeded to wear what I thought everyone wanted me to wear, I only expressed myself when I thought I should, not when I wanted to. And for my first year, that was about all I did, more or less. I was scared at first, I was defensive and I loved my life back then, but my life was motivated by fear way too much. My whole life changed after that like the sun changes the sky when it rises. There was a light that came into my life, or should I say, the light came from within myself. I had revelations about my motivations, my beliefs, and how I wanted to live my life. Once I started being who I wanted to be and making choices that were good for me and were the choices I wanted, I started to love myself. During my time at York Suburban, thanks to all of the amazing people I interacted with, I learned to love my life more and more every day. I learned that if I continued to express myself, I would increasingly love myself as well. Expressing yourself is so important because it doesn’t just build your confidence, it builds you! When you express yourself, you learn what you like and don’t like about yourself, and that’s what happened to me. Even though a lot of my high school career was unfortunately spent alone, or feeling isolated in some way or another, I really loved watching other people express themselves and have fun. I always wanted everyone to express themselves more because I learned that I love watching people express themselves, it’s the most beautiful behavior I’ve ever seen and that will never change. I learned so much from every person I had the privilege of interacting with, so thanks everyone, you know, that was really great. I love you all! And that won’t ever change. But I can’t promise I’ll remember all of your names, and I don’t expect you to remember many either. Kids these days, you know, always overstimulated by media and smart phones haha. But when you leave, really take yourself with you! Take yourself and hold on to what you love within yourself. That’s enough, you don’t have to hold on to any memories here. Siddhartha Gautama (also known as Buddha) once said, “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” It’s sad to leave this all behind, but leave it all behind. It’s ok to be happy and remember the good times, but I love you all, I want you to succeed! Don’t just remember memories, create memories! Keep changing yourself, changing people around you, and changing the world until your body runs out of energy! That’s all I ask. I’d like to thank all of the employees here at York Suburban High School for giving our class a healthy and constructive environment, full of excellent role models, and good life lessons. And thanks to my family too, especially my brother Max, he’s really cool. Also, check out my Hello Poetry account, Nick Gati ;) haha. I had to plug at least one electronic media account, this is our generation! And before I leave, I would like to recite a rap that I wrote.

Class of 2015
Let me say what I mean
I’ve been inside this machine
For four years and I’ve seen
People loving and hating
People giving and taking
People in boots shaking
People with hearts breaking
I’m like Kendrick Lamar without the beats or the fame
I’ve got rhyme and time, I’ve got pride and shame
It took me too long to make my life mine
It took me too long, but I’m right on time
I love being weird here before you all
I love it so much, but let me take this call
“Hello? I am currently giving a speech
Before I go to IUP to learn how to teach.
I’ve gotta speak these bars to try to communicate
How all we need is love, we don’t need any hate
So let me hang up, I’ll call you tomorrow.”
MY WHOLE LIFE has been consumed by too much sorrow
It was hard, at times, to navigate my way
I had times where I’d go days not knowing what to say
Until I found all the answers written in my mind
Until I changed myself and became one of a kind
Thank you all for letting me express myself
And express yourself too, leave your pride on the shelf
Love people, love life, and remember these words,
Life is about listening and letting others know that they’re heard
1000 · Jan 2015
Hideaway
After all that has been done
The skills that were crafted
The person that you crafted
Was it all done
Just to hide away?

When melancholy takes over
and opportunity is within sight, but not within reach
It is formidable, tempting, optimistic and pessimistic, all at the same time!
Where else but within a hideaway

When shame and self doubt simultaneously break you
Or rather corner you as two walls closing in
Along with shelter and independence
They form the hideaway

Outside voices dip into your consciousness
Like a ping pong ball trying to penetrate a brick wall
Offering simple advice and above all else begging you
Not to hide away

But before and after the beginning of the hideaway
The social clock summons you
And you must follow and in this moment
You couldn't hideaway

The power within controls us
The power that that we have
The power that we made
The power that you have honed since you were born, and the power that you have built around, and made yourself around
And you made choices that built you
And did you really become who you are
Just to hide away?

"Better men have realized alone is not a venture
A decent man would realize alone is not a venture
Just to hide away, hide away"

Once you realize that alone is no where to live but perhaps to unwind
You will be at peace in body and in mind
And once you remember yourself and your journey that you've been on since birth to build yourself into who you want to be...
Once I wrote this poem...
I couldn't hide away
Inspired by one of my favorite songs that I quoted called "A Venture" by Yes. It's my first anti-depressing poem, hope you enjoy it
989 · Dec 2017
Grocery Store/Crazy
Full cart
Forgotten wallet
Poetic justice
Minimal profit

Nothing purchased
Nothing gained
Small wonder
I remain sane

I’ve grown up in grocery stores
Admiring their hearty stock
In my story, the constant lore
Is stable silence followed by rock

So loud, and yet so quiet
Mind spinning, logic ignored
Emotions twirling, guiding, lying,
What is my hungry heart for?

Amongst shoppers, I am a dreamer
Amongst haves, I am have not.
The silent soldiers fighting a war
Against the accumulating ***

Obsessive comes close to scratching
What my mind is like when nervous
I want what I want, so I’m asking
And asking has thus far, been worthless

If only love that eludes my grasp
Were but a loaded shopping cart
I’d run to my apartment and run back
My happiness, some cold pop tarts.

Alas, the vitality I seek,
The stimulant that’s most stimulating
It makes me dumb, it makes me weak,
And requires calculated manipulating

Of which I am not capable,
Or at least, strongly averted from.
To myself, I remaiin faithful
Even though I am so dumb.

Muster up a little patience,
Muscle up, shut up, be a man.
Mysterious mature, that’s the cadence
That’s the gold standard panned.

I glimpse it, from time to time
Across the colored movie screen.
These men succeed and I often fail,
But what does my own failure mean?

Is it me? Or is it them?
Or am I close, but not quite there?
Will my fatigue be what makes me
Depressed enough to seem like I don’t care

So my annoyingness, gone, in thin air?
So my emotional longings will be bare?
So into eyes I could finally stare
And not always ask, what’s in there?

What do you see, looking at me?
I never know, until I’ve chosen
To let my selfish heart unleash
Until it’s finally cracked wide open

Until you see me as I’ve chosen
To see myself, full of erosion
Wasted space, a dreadful ocean
Of empty thoughts and rugged lotion.

Talking so much, never saying.
Giving so much, never reaping.
Sleeping so much, never dreaming.
Running so much, never leaving.

Chasing so much, only finding
What I’ve found is not astounding
My horrible mind, abandoning reality
Leaving everyone once they’ve found me.

Refusing life rafts while I’m drowning,
Breathing in water, heart is pounding,
Self inflicted, always counting,
Choosing pain, refusing mouthpiece.

Loving so much, never caring.
Caring so much, never sharing.
Sharing so much, never connecting.
Making connections, shortly empty.

Meditating so much, never praying.
Laying so much, making me lazy.
Letting my emotions control me so much,
I’m selfish, never learning, never changing, crazy.
977 · Sep 2017
Two Circles
After all of my stressing,
It's really quite simple.
All of my time guessing,
And I know what I'm in for.

There are two circles
on one plane,
And where they intersect
Is for what I pray

In circle one are many souls
For whom I feel bad, for their pain I know.
I label them as people whose goals
Do not match mine, and so it goes.

They want from me what I do offer,
But not to them, for it is such
That qualities that fulfill my needs
Are lost in them; they're not enough.

It's so abrupt, I write them off!
And for this, I feel sort of bad.
However, I've been treated as such
By many people, it makes me sad.

But I don't hate! I'm not furious,
I forget people and they forget me.
There is one other circle, curious
How it is not one or three, but two!

Yes, it's two, and it's much smaller
Not in size, but in perspective.
I see people in circle one often,
But circle two people evade my presence!

Very often, they don't like me.
Very often, I'm treated with disdain.
I feel like they can set me free,
But they often cause me so much pain!

I see in them what I really want,
Their presence enlightens my life.
I often face them, fully front,
And their response causes me strife.

Oftentimes, they remain there,
Because to do so, they reject.
However, on special occasions,
One person meets the intersect!

There are people who like me,
And miraculously, I like them back!
It's really quiere a wonderful thing,
Two souls on an equal path.

Far and few between you are,
People who meet me in the center,
If you are in circle two,
The intersect, feel free to enter!

In return, I always try
To move people from one to mid,
I give chances and hope I change,
But I know what my feeling is.

Try and try to center folks,
I will keep going and not give up!
I'll keep manipulating variables,
And someday, there will be enough.
952 · Jan 2015
My Ample Love Poetry
I love music
Music is magical, shared, heard, experienced, but best of all is the creation of music
Love too is magical whether it is created, experienced, heard, but best of all is when it is shared
I love you

I love York
My hometown is often criticized, but there's no place I'd have rather grown up because I have seen more love in York through others than I ever thought I could through teachers, parents, and strangers
You are criticized, but don't worry about what they say. I have seen you and through the good and the bad, no one can deny it,
I love you

I love air
As I breath the air that keeps me alive, every breath controls me in the way that it distributes it's fruits of nature to my lungs
As I perceive your radiant essence, it is only then that I truly live as your ways move me in ways that keep me alive
I love you

I love media
It is the constant distraction in my life that helps me cope through hard times and though it is time wasted, it is nothing more than a waiting room for good things to come
And the good things are seeing you and watching you learn and grow and develop, for loving you is the best way I have ever spent my time and that will never change
I love you

I love parents
Parents are brave, there is nothing more that needs to be said
You are brave, for being yourself and though you may not sense it, waking up and being you for the whole day and learning what you may or may not and expressing yourself in my presence, that is what I love about you
I love you

I love laughter
They say it is the best medicine, but I don't know that for sure. It is great how it is universal and it brings us happiness and it is brilliant in many ways for reasons unknown,
But my love for you is my best medicine. It doesn't matter what it is, seeing you and being with you makes me feel better anytime
I love you

I love exercise
Sure it's hard, sure it ***** sometimes! But it's rewarding every time, that I can say with the utmost confidence
And life! Sure it's hard, sure it ***** sometimes! But I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for living it because since you're here it is possible for me to tell you that
I love you

I love laziness
I have it! I have enough to go around and sometimes I wish I didn't but at the end of the day, it is part of who I am and I fight it happily every day
Sometimes you wish you didn't have a lot of things, but all of those things that you wish you didn't have, are just more reasons that
I love you

I love omniscience
Knowing everything that there is to know, is there a greater fantasy? It is unfathomable and frightening
And I am equally frightened by how much I love you, because sometimes I feel like it is too much because I cannot control the feeling that
I love you

I love vegetarians
I love you for being brave enough to fight the good fight and save some lives in an important and practical way by sacrificing the consumption of meat to save animals
And I've seen you make sacrifices too, don't think I haven't. Well at this point, it's not really a secret that
I love you

I love equality
There's no other way I'd rather see
There's no other way I'd rather see
I love you

I love poetry
Putting nothing more than feelings into text as I am right now is not only relieving, but it is when I feel almost completely alive, but not fully, because poetry is second to
The love I feel for you. Seeing you move and watching you be is when I feel most alive, for the fire that burns inside me for you is when I feel completely alive definitely.
I love you

I love olives
Though they are disliked by many, a select few in our world have the taste to appreciate the brilliant taste they possess
There are few in this world who love you absolutely too, but be sure that I am one of them
I love you

I love egos
Egos, superegos, the arrogant and the entitled, they may be self-centered but **** it! No matter how condescending they are, I can't help but admire their confidence
You deserve to be that confident because in my eyes you're just as good as they think they are
I love you

I love teachers
Teachers are givers and they have the most courage out of any of us because it takes guts to deem yourself worthy to be a role model in front of impressionable students and then proceed to educate them which is the greatest gift you can give
And the greatest gift that you give is sometimes what you teach, but more what you contribute through your presence, your words, your actions, your effect on everything
I love you

I love repetition
Change is the only constant in the universe, but repetition? Well, it's nice to have some consistency too, something that I can really grab on to
The things that you do consistently are great, but the way you strive to make change and change yourself is the greatest reason that
I love you

I love you
Could you have guessed? You're the light of my life, my reason for living, and travelling through time with you is my greatest privilege or blessing or gift or whatever you want to call it but you keep me going.
I have felt this way about everyone I've met and I have no reason to believe that I love everyone this way.
I hope you enjoyed my love poem to you, who experienced my poem, and until I meet someone who this poem doesn't apply to, this poem will live on
I am nothing more than a poet and a lover. My love is so strong and unconditional that there is no doubt in my mind that you, the one who is experiencing this poem, are loved by me, no matter what you've done, I forgive you and I love you. So thank you and never forget, you who is loving me by hearing my words, don't forget this:
I will love you forever
This is a poem a friend inspired me to write. I had a dream that she showed me the air stanza, then I woke up and asked her in real life if I could write it and she said yes, so I did. Go back and look at the things I said I love at the beginning of each stanza, it's an acronym that spells out the title. And please go back and read about why I love you!
951 · Nov 2014
True Religion
In today's world religion can be hard
To tackle since so many view it as barred
Away from the world like the poor dying man
People avoid as best that they can

But what is the price of being uptight
About suppressing the essence of life?
Why is it so that it can be so wrong
To speak of the motives that guide us along?

Religion is not just a vast collection
of various mythical origin legends
Religion is the root of motive and desire
Religion is wood, humans are fire

So how can it be that the absence of thought
Is how some are marketed after they are bought
Into a title that simply describes
A lack of connection to open blue skies?

How can it be so, that siblings can fight,
Over which one is wrong and which one is right,
When in the end the real problem is
A lack of empathy for hers and for his

Where does it say that you have to sign up?
Why do I have to drink from anyone's cup?
What prevents me from creating my own?
What prevents me from being alone?

Why do you look down upon me so,
For having not only courage to say no,
But to say no and also be self-assure
For my essence is pure, and so is yours

Question not the names and titles
Question not the idol or idols
Question not those who dare to walk alone
For it is from the same cloth that we are all sewn

Question not the small details
That can breed such conflict, but to no avail
Question not the symbols or form
Question not those who deviate from norms

Question attempts to segregate
Question any actions fueled by hate
Question your mother, question your father,
Question your friends if you dare bother

Question anyone who you care for
Religions are doorknobs and humans are doors
For it is religion that truly precedes
The philosophies carried by you or by me

So question your friends, go on, it's ok
Hopefully the world will reach a day
Where religion is the opposite of a taboo
Where religion is recognized as what makes you

So question the motives, question desire
And most importantly, question those who set fire
To other's religions, to other's homes
Violence is never the answer
I was inspired and I think about religion all the time, so here we go :) Hope you enjoy
915 · Nov 2017
Life Enhancer
People run and cower
From the true answer.
Drugs possess strange power,
They're life enhancers.

Countless hours,
Broken dancers,
Life turned sour,
Lost luck chances.

Drugs are riveting,
Minds are opened,
Perspectives pivoting,
Instincts awoken

What's never listed
And never spoken
Suddenly, it's tossed
Into the ocean

Of our minds,
Swirling potions,
Drugs are not kind,
Changing emotions.

People take
This strong control
And in some cases,
Their sole goal

Becomes a fate
Many people know.
All they seek
Is this control.

Pursuing control,
Many live by this.
Drugs and their tolls
Help provide bliss.

Control over what you feel,
Opened eyes and comforted minds,
People accept this generous deal,
Despite the consequences felt over time.

Manipulating drugs,
A victimless crime,
Claims users as victims,
At once or over time.

The effects can wow,
They can be sublime.
They make life better now,
But not over time.

Tolerance grows,
Excitement fades,
People become dazed,
Over time.

People take them,
Wrong or right,
To their extremes,
To maximize delight.

Excessive consumption,
Across a fine line,
Promises great risk,
To which many are blind.

Dismissing the truth
And hating the source
Is a just move,
But not a wise course.

Life enhancers,
Life ruiners,
They're one in the same
Though many choosers,

Either love drugs,
Or deeply hate them.
Arguments against either side,
Are sadly wasted.

Both sides
Reveal so much,
Like heat and cold,
They hurt to touch.

I love pleasure,
Oh so much,
But excess pleasure,
Fear is made of.

Within drug feelings
Lie sensations
Which contradict
Any meditations.

Why would I live,
With such a bore,
When I could be high
And get so much more?

Would would I fly
On drug fueled planes,
When normal plights
Offer so much to gain?

It's not as instant,
It's not as strong
But patient wishes
Last so much longer.

There's only one,
And what I choose
Goes in my body,
Is mine to prove.

Something exciting,
Something new,
Never hiding,
Wild and blue.

So if these drugs
Are life enhancers,
Can we demonize them?
Can this seed be planted?

Will we all become
Clear eyed and sober,
Thankful the drug storm,
Is finally over?

Take what's good,
Take what's evil,
All that we could
Derive from people.

Make the solution
Into a new mix
And maybe then,
We find a fix.

The danger they feel,
The societal death wish,
May die sooner,
If only we listen.

Give people things
They wish for,
But remove the danger,
And once this chore,

Is taken care of,
Harmful no more,
Drugs can be loved
Without the horror.

The powers at play
Are beyond what I know,
But this civil war,
Hopefully will slow
899 · Jun 2013
The Race
Life is a race
There is no first place
There are frequent breaks
And plenty of mistakes

In the rush if events
There is too much suspense
What does the future hold
I hope it's not cold

The finish line gives out the same prize
There are different ways that people arrive
But in the end, everyone dies
Sorry the first one is sad and short, more to come of a more premium quality :)
859 · Jun 2017
Toxic Carpet
Soft, easy to walk on
Pleasant, comfortable
Familial, forgettable
That's carpet.

Hateful, vengeful
Frustrated, ill-intentioned
Always mentioned, enfuriating
That's toxic.

Please love me.
Will you listen to me?
How are you doing?
That's carpet.

Please love me.
I'm empty.
I need you.
That's toxic.

I love you,
I'll do anything for you!
Please command me.
That's carpet.

I deal with your idiocies
I deal with your standards
I conform to fit inside your image.
That's toxic.

Can you hug me in front of
All of these people?
So that they know I'm worth something?
That's carpet.

After you listen to me,
I'll say I'm useless.
I'll say it's not your fault.
That's toxic.

I don't want to ***,
I don't want to talk,
I want you to trust me and tell me everything.
That's carpet.

All I want is ***,
All I need is some warm body.
Give me the fuel I've run out of.
That's toxic.

I'll give you everything
And do whatever you want
For whatever feigned love you can muster.
That's carpet.

I'm ready to conform.
Give me drugs and let me tighten up
While you let loose and accidentally love me.
That's toxic.

I'll text you back immediately.
And patiently await your response.
Rejoice in this moment you did for me.
That's carpet.

Give me advice.
So I can shoot you down.
So I can let you down.
So I can let you drown.
In my toxic civil war
Where I knew no solution would come
From my internal struggle.
But you took a side
And felt the wrath of one of my forces.
I can't help you.
Leave me alone.
That's toxic.

I walk around
By myself late at night.
I text you and say I need you.
Don't worry about where I am.
I needed to be alone,
But now I don't.
I just escaped misery and wanted to
Find you.
Find me,
Or I'll run away.
Block me,
So I can fester.
That's carpet.

Let me give you a million compliments.
Easily.
While you find one for me
And slip a shark a steak
Even though he'll always be hungry.
Sharks barely ever **** humans,
But they're so scary.
It's the hunger, it's the image.
It's not the behavior.
It's not.
The image is hunger.
Always give me more.
That's toxic.

I serve.
I help.
I pleasure, assist, provide
I care, then I care more.
Then I go home and rub off
The disappointment and fear of alone.
Then I care more.
And I wait for the love I give
To come to me.
And I think it will.
That's carpet.

Leave me alone.
Be honest.
That's what I need.
Let your honesty drown you
Because I'm honest too.
And I'll open up the floodgates,
Without remorse.
Sorry if you drown.
I overthink, bottle up, and overshare.
That's toxic.

Please love me.
Please act with me,
Act out the fantasies I have planned.
And re-enact the ones I did.
I'm toxic.
I'm carpet.
That's me.
A poem idea I had, here it is
846 · May 2015
Fadeaway
Took my time as I woke myself
Made it my prime, simultaneously fell
Now I'm here, looking back
I built myself along this track

Every day, another piece
Black paint for the formerly white sheep
Learn and learn, watch and imitate
Slowly conforming to the idea of wait

Here I am, I love myself
But nothing to show for it lies on my shelf
Materialism isn't what I desire
What I desire is cognitive fire

Fire that will make me help others
Fire that takes me out from my cover
Still I want more, I can't even reflect
This is me looking back, so I'm not done yet

Every single movement that I made
Every memory I decided to save
Every person I was pleased to have known
Every person who knows I have grown

They made me love all, they set me free
As is they were, so that I could be
Rungs on a ladder, steps up the stairs
Every single one, it is not even fair

It isn't fair that they loved me back
It isn't fair that I was rarely attacked
Why did you let me walk with you always?
Why the kindness, the unconditional praise?

Don't ever change, don't stop moving on
Don't stop moving until your energy is gone
Thank you for taking time to give me your eyes
Thanks for myself, my real grand prize

Thanks if you ever looked in my direction
Thanks for your constantly veiled affection
Thanks if you even gave me any of your words
Thanks for making my voice feel it was heard

I love myself more and more every day
It really helped to be discouraged to dismay
All that I do that I can't really face
You helped me to stop trying to erase

Well now, I have felt love, every day more
And all who I met, hopefully they do too
I hope that I reached you through my actions
I hope I gave anyone some satisfaction

Don't take me back! It's time to move on
All of these memories are already gone
I must move forward, search for better days.
Loved you even more, now a fadeaway
Written close to my graduation date, just trying to reflect, though I generally try to exclusively live in the present :p
819 · Oct 2016
Mold
Hold on to the mixing bowl
Let the spoon change your place
Forfeit all control
Before you're stuck in place

Exist here and there
Let your guard down
Exist everywhere
Go another round

When you're with the A's
Don't forget the Q's
Learn from everyone
Let them affect you

There's a whole world out there for you
you've gotta unfurl before you're blue

Following the lines
Living the lies
Doing what you're told
Makes the mold

Dip your body in
Different swimming pools
Keep one social group
Is an awful rule

Moldy barriers
Oppress vividness
All these different folks
Combat my emptiness

I don't really care
About how it sounds
I love everyone
Never lets me down

There's a whole world out there for you
you've gotta unfurl before you're blue

Following the lines
Living the lies
Doing what you're told
Makes the mold

I ran up on a trash can
Deposited my best clothes
Withdrew my new wardrobe
Interesting info
Generic attire
That's my heart's desire
Nobody to hide from
Indicates my income
Walk up to my best friend
Laying back in class
With these special provisions
I can access the masses
Appearance is my key card
Greeting is the scanner
Response gives me feedback
Green light for the answer
Different people different things
That's what I want to do
Mindset differences
Make my dreams come true
I love to be around
People who are not like me
then I live a different life
Vicariously
Not through the tv
Interactivity
I might ask how do you be
Now I'm free to see the keys
Every one is unique
Musically
And the unique keys I see
Are all music to me

Following the lines
Living the lies
Doing what your told
Makes the mold
The song was originally going to be about having different social groups but then it also wanted to be about not conforming, so it's a cool mix :) thanks to Anderson .Pakk and my friends for inspiring this
793 · Jun 2015
Muddy Waters
I put on the right attire
To explore muddy waters
Expectation, heart on fire
Reality, quite a bother

Nothing greater than muddy waters
What I saw was what I got
No feelings that took me farther
No feeling, I am not

Tried to look down to the bottom
Only for a glance
Couldn't look beyond the surface
Couldn't give it one more chance

Peering into muddy waters
They flow, but passively
If I were lost in muddy waters
My worst would get the best of me

Walking through, enduring
My shoes still weigh me down
This excursion couldn't cure me
In fact, I could have drowned

One foot up, one takes the pain
Of withstanding my weight
My one journey through muddy waters
Was just part of my fate

They left a bad taste in my mouth
No toothbrush can address
Strength of spirit went low, south
Was meant to ease the stress

No time to think, for muddy waters
Constantly seek your gaze
If ever there was a lost soul
Muddy waters, he gave praise

******* me down, I lose control
Where would you think I am?
All of this pressure, total toll
I feel I must say, ****

Left you behind to go explore
Thankfully there is so much more
To life than what you offer me
Try as you might, but I am free

I won't look back, sorry to you
That, I can do without
I'm something pure, through and through
And now I have no doubt

Carry empathy
Cure empathy
A poem about an experience I had
743 · Sep 2017
Learn to Hate
Give up. Surrender.
Time to learn to hate.
While you're on a ******,
Make many mistakes.

What's love gotten you so far?
Who needs it?
You've got so much love in your heart,
Who feeds it?

Isolated loser,
Hated servant.
Take a chance, chooser,
Hate deserves it.

It works for many others,
Look at the president.
Hate as a platform,
That's magnificent.

Rather than calming,
Hate floods your system
All your love's forgotten
Nobody will miss 'em.

Do you want power,
Instead of powerless?
Is this the final hour
Of my cowardice?

Instead of shaking
And stuttering out of fear
Do you want to lash out
And make your love disappear?

Instead of being pushed,
Want to push people away?
Instead of tomorrow,
Want to start hating today?

Do you want revenge,
Is that what'll work?
Hating's easier when you
Let yourself be a ****.

Spiteful.
Unleash those thoughts, that's delightful.
Rightful,
Who's loved you back since high school?

It's futile, take an eight lap walk
Around a track, two miles.
And tell me you won't punch back
One of those dumb laughs
You hear when your dignity is zero
And you can't stop hearing laughter
At your existential fear

And know, hating is really hot
You'll get more girls that you had
Loving people who you got
To listen to you for a second
Even though it was pathetic
How you complimented them and
Let them drink all of your beverage.

Hate is leverage,
Hate wins you items.
Hate wins you respect,
You'll be set with the right ones.

Who loves you for love?
Aren't they all nieve?
Aren't you never enough
When you're clawing and piping
Up foolish words
Trying to buck the system
Get people to like you
Who never want to listen
But they're giving you a chance
Because you're innocent and charming
But they're just leading you on
And then it's you they'll be harming
When they don't ever reply
Even though they read your message
And you'll never be a guy
Who gets love and a wet kiss
Unless you hate the person you love
In order to complete the balance
So you better learn to hate
And start stacking up that allowance

Set aside the hate,
Remember every occurrence
Where you learn to feel the hate
As it slowly becomes worth it

Do a one-eighty
And switch up all your behavior
That your heart thought you wanted
Cuz now hate can be your savior

And all you have to do
Is make one promise, and be honest,
Can you really hurt someone?
714 · Jul 2013
Prison
Trapped inside this cold small place
Alone with thoughts and feelings
And within my mobile prison, I have now been ensnared
In a more literal prison, a place with frigid air

How can it be, I can never be free
Of the memory of pain and regret
When I get out, I'll run about
But I have not left yet

Sometime in the distant future
I'll be given another chance
At trying to lead a real life
Hold the average societal stance

When I escape, I'll fly away
And find somewhere to hide
I won't be back, but I'll still have
These feelings behind these eyes

Once long ago, there was a place
Too comfortable to recall
I felt at ease, and I could see
An open door next to a wall

But in this cold reality
The door only opens when
The rulers choose to come about
And free me from my pen
I visited some old prison/museum, so I was inspired to write this poem
670 · May 2015
Some Enchanted Evening
Living and dying, I am
Giving and loving are you
Can't feel my arms or my hands
My heart is paralyzed too

Walked the walk, I know I ran
Hopelessly helpful are you
I'd like to say, if I even can,
Without you, I'll be blue

Typical to make a joke
You laugh without suspense
What have I done to be treated so?
Long series of events

Take me with you in your heart
Take me or I'll cry
I'll take you, you can't change that part
You need not wonder why

Please believe me, please believe me
I love you, it can't hide
A road without a single tree
Is embraced by the sky

Make some noise, don't hesitate
You can't go on like this
Whatever you do, whatever your fate
Ignorance of hate can be your bliss

Love yourself for what you are
Not for what you say
If you are wrong, you'll still go far
If you make it wrong in the right way

I'm just so lost, you must now see
Oxygen in my veins
I feel this love, it's meant to be
It's loosened its restrain

I was touched when I loved to hear
Some Enchanted Evening
It gave me patience, took my fear
And brought me back my feeling

If you suppress this love of yours
You've succumbed to this life
Look not to mirrors, not to drawers
Look at what's pointed to by the knife

Within yourself, I hope you'll find
This love, this hard edged thing
It can't be helped, but to be kind
Your true self you must bring

If ever I experienced
Love at first sight
It happened here, it happens now
When I imagine you tonight

Sight isn't only optical
Sight isn't what I see
My sight looks beyond you facade
My sight sees you through me

I'm sorry if at any time
I left your path astray
I'm sorry if it was a crime
To know I could, but turn away

From loving and taking I can't part
It's more than ever true
I found you all within my heart
I have some words for you. Don't wait
Last concert at my high school, I feel so emotional right now
655 · Jan 2018
Darkness
I don't really get sad or happy
Things in my mind just either bury the darkness,
Or bring it out.

It can be vicious, but it's often not.
It simply pushes the light out of my life,
Shadowing my love, my care, my soul,
Thereby suppressing my passion.

Since I have danced with this darkness for so long,
I don't imagine that it will ever be gone.
My happiest times have been its weakest,
And my worst times, its strongest,
But the vitality that this darkness maintains inside me
Is impressive.

Despite my avoidance, my perseverance towards
Directing my thoughts towards love and pleasing others,
The darkness constantly shades my view.
I see what I love and I know what I want and what I want to do,
And it warps my simple ambitions to be selfish, toxic, and empty.

It's a never-ending battle, in some ways, but it's not really a battle.
Resistance, I have found, is futile. Distractions are welcome,
But ultimately, the darkness does not die.
In fact, when I am happy, excited, and positive,
I can feel the darkness at bat.
Waiting for my turn to be over, waiting for me to strike out
So that it can take the plate.

Realism, depression, insecurity are its allies,
Constantly giving the darkness new ideas.
New ways to distract me and sometimes, torment me.

Friends, nature, happiness, love, are its enemies.
They stun it, making the darkness forget about its goals
And letting me then forget about it, sometimes,
Those times when I'm happy. Having fun.
What I know of fun is this, essentially.

It might be that I feed it too much.
Darkness may be an attention seeking immature idiot,
Who if I ignore, would just give up. And go away.
But it's part of me, it's not some force or occasional tendency.

It's always. I am the darkness. And I am the light.
My mind is constantly moving, spinning, cycling,
With bright lights and deep darkness always dancing with me
Exciting me, frustrating me, teaching me, torturing me, loving me,
And moving me forward.

I do what I can and try to shed light,
Darkness be ******.
646 · Apr 2017
Wrong Way
I'm sorry family that I ran away from home,
Came to college, got stressed, and didn't make it my own.
I want to be successful, it'd be great to feel accomplished.
But I'm always disappointed and running out of options.

I want to sit in a quiet room and study for hours.
But my emotions storm around and deplete my cognitive power.
If I had some hormone pills, if i had a magic wand,
I could make my heart stop and make my mind be strong.

But I don't, and it's not, and I can't, and I won't,
And I love myself too much to hate my emotional storm,
But I disappoint myself whenever I take a test
And I can't think clearly and I make a huge mess.

It's sometimes hard to choose whether I should try to relax
In my isolated state with video games and rap tracks,
Or if I should submerge myself in my studies and eventually,
Let myself down once again and be isolated and empty.

Therein lies the rub, for when I'm just isolated
Coping with my emotions that are never evaded,
I look inside myself and see that there's love,
And I feel whole and at once. I feel control over one

Aspect of my life. They say control matters.
But when I perform my exams and achieve grades below average,
And it's all because I can't stop my emotions from turning,
Is this the hard work it takes? Is this the fire that's burning?

When I fail time after time, tumbling through emotional wreckage
Just to know these ideas on this study guide checklist,
Just to sit for an exam and forget what I processed
Did I fail this exam? Is this all a big test?

Is college meant to make me feel like I shouldn't be here at all
Until 10 years later when I'm a grown up adult,
And I don't have as many hormones affecting my motivation?
Or is this conditioning me to reach a new elevation

In my mind where I choose facts and logic over what I feel?
Study for tests, get good grades, and forget what's real.
When I sit down for a test, it doesn't matter what's happening
In my mind or my heart. It matters what's lacking.

"Do you lack the emotions that would make you burn out?
Well good! Study hard, graduate, get out.
Are you emotions making you feel like you're out of control?
Sit down. Let's talk about reaching your goals.

Life's all about balance. Study some each day,
Take time to relax too. Bad thoughts then go away.
Then wake up and study more, or if you had a bad dream,
Try to calm down. Study once you can see

More clearly. Yeah, just mix things up,
Focus on your classes. Focus on your love.
Don't fall behind too much or you might not pass.
Be happy, responsible, and smart; that's all I really ask."

That was a polite request that I'd be glad to consider,
If it wasn't for the fact that my mind is a twister
And running around trying to escape feels futile
And I run for miles and it feels so wild.

That's just a metaphor, but I want to be happy.
It's at the top of my priorities and I can't change that, see.
So once I'm ready to work hard, I'll let you know.
Please let me go. Please let me go.

I ran away from my home when I came to college,
And independence is great, I love gaining knowledge!
I love all the people! I love this new place
I love having my own space to let my thoughts erase.

That comes up a lot; chasing my feelings with an eraser,
To clear up my mind so I can earn the favor
Of all of my potential friends and all of my professors,
The difference is I always have class, but so many people left me here

To do all of this alone, I don't suffer for no reason,
The only things that I want are out of my grasp every season
And if I could want to do well and not want social tidings,
You wouldn't have to hear all of this stupid whining.

I'm not socially successful. I'm not a winner.
I can't live with that, I can't stretch myself thinner.
Until further notice, my emotions are wild
And my attempts to add more priorities to the mix are mild.

That includes grades. That includes calling you!
When I come home I'll try to love and be true to you.
When I'm at school, I'm out of balance and seeking patience
And it's harder in isolation and I can't even wait then.

I can't wait for life to come to me, gotta grab it.
I can't write poems and complain and not work, gotta stop it.
I'm sorry that I'm confused, I'm sorry I'm so lazy,
I'm sorry if this poem makes you think I'm going crazy,

Because I'm not. I love myself and that's it.
I'd like some connections in life and working is not it.
It's love, it's connection, it's people, it's music.
I'm not sure if i can do this.

I'm sorry family if that's hard to hear.
I'd say it's ok, but the past two years
Haven't stopped increasing in how much I'm being challenged
So I might not have the right allowance.

Of patience and energy to really get by.
I really wish I could cry more.
But I can't when I'm alone.
I'm not giving up.

I love you guys.
620 · Sep 2017
Swimmers
There comes a point when one hot tub
Becomes too much and it's just so,
That anyone in must get out
And cool off before the overload.

Fools fastidiously test their fingers
To determine their further actions.
This is because they might be scared
Of heat, or of an overreaction.

Finger dipping won't be judged
Or looked upon more than at once.
And then the dipper may either shrug
And walk away, or take more chance.

But as it very often goes,
From all the dippers I have seen,
The fingers tell the nervous system
To go on and pursue safer dreams.

But should you dip your whole leg in,
Or your whole arm, or your whole self
This not only a greater risk
On your own body, but on everyone else!

Everyone else may judge variously
And hold the grudge and not forget
Because those who act in minority
Are expected to soon regret

Not walking the narrow line
And not living with expectations.
These expectations, they defy,
And then they may face isolation.

The body submergers, fearless divers
May contradict cultural beliefs.
But it is they who act with truth
That are granted, at night, better sleep.

Swimming pools, hot tubs,
Bath tubs, and ice baths.
Walk around and in my eyes,
Their water's not the right path!

Water makes me, water heals me,
Water let's me live more days.
Water taunts me, water dances
And then water washed away!

Should I dip my toes most places,
So often the story goes
Full of fear, I'm not complacent
With the temperature, so then I know

That it is time to walk away
And seek another body to enter.
At times, when bodies enter me,
I often feel their entrance then hurts!

It's either one way or the other,
A quick dip or a thorough swim.
And whether or not I like the swimmer,
Their endurance is a simple whim.

In the pool, they may frolic,
In the pool, they may be joyous.
That's until another water
Proves to be slightly more buoyant!

Slightly easier to navigate,
With more salt, the swimmers float!
Fresh water is such a drag,
So in the oceanic, swimmers go.

Day after day, swimming or hosting,
The water bodies keep swimming on
And ultimately, in this sense,
There's equality in this song!

Despite wanting to participate more,
Despite feeling like poison water,
I'm just a pool among the others
And my water's all I have to offer.
It's just about abandonment and being social.
602 · May 2015
To deserve
Why are you running away?
Is it so hard to be kind?
Why can't you, I always stay.
Whatever, never mind

I can't ever ask for this
But where can I find pants?
I'm always without power
Giving you a hundredth chance

And more, well, who cares
You take just what you need
It matters not what's just or fair
Please hurt me without heed

Priority minority
Without my approach, you're blind
My love for you, it's always free
For me, the requested is fine

Now here you are, here's someone new
What will you want from me?
I can do anything at all
But simply let you be

I have to say, you'd like to know
Lifelong friends only for me
You can be mean, you can just go
A deadbolt bond without a key

And don't forget my loneliness
Don't think I'm just some guy
Don't think it's you that I won't miss
Don't think I ever say bye

Never had a single pair of pants
Never got to be annoyed
Never felt that I was being missed
And still I can't employ

Any method of anger, of judging you
For doing other things
For never even coming back
You don't really bring

Take it all away from me
It seems to work alright
Your box is full, but then there's mine
It's really rather light

And what is it, with this new one?
No, no, it isn't so
How can I not be the only one
Who's asking about woes?

I wonder and I wonder more
How can it be this way?
I wonder if I do deserve this
Why aren't you running away?
Some kind of experience I'm working through. The internal struggles of not being alone
552 · Feb 2017
Even Better
Sometimes I'm good
But now I'm even better
I can't control my feelings
When I break out into sweaters

And colors stand out so much
And then also I wear some collars
People think I have it made
But I feel jealous of ballers

And people who live with others
And people who live with brothers
And sisters and then their covers
Hide all of their different lovers

But hiding is not one way
They take them and then here's what hurts
There's one thing and then another
And I might just be a pervert

But I can't avert my thoughts
I would love to be in a circle
Spinning a bottle hotly
And making my face turn purple

It turns red! And white
But I want more social pressure
Not the keep-me-up-at-night one
But the one that seems much better

But it can't be fabricated
And it can't quite be sought out
And it won't happen to me
Because I have too many doubts

And shrouded beneath my mouth
Is a superego completely
Controlling my every move
So how could someone ever read me

And be comfortable or open
When my mind is like the ocean?
I go with the flow but know this
I can take you on a gross trip

And by that I mean a lame one
Where your boat is somewhat closed in
And you're trapped with me and feel some
Unappetizing emotions

That's the mood that people's faces
Take on when my mouth is open
And then I go out and chase them
But my heart just feels quite broken

And I used to think it was them
which is odd since I often blame me
But then my new realization
Made me wake up to the new key

See part of me loves all people
And part of me holds myself back
So if I could just now solve that
Could I live how I want real bad?
This is unorganized like my thought when writing lol
538 · Jan 2018
Staring at Rocks
Before staring at rocks, there was staring at fallen trees
Before fallen trees, there was sport and game
And much before that, there must have been something
To help us keep our lives wasting away

Staring at rocks, day in, day out
Nobody cries. Nobody questions
Why staring at rocks is a good way to live.
There's no good way to live, suppose that's the lesson.

Lessen and lessen until it's no more,
Or so it seems, with what we feel.
What we produce by staring at rocks,
Some fleeting pleasure, some placating meal.

Is it a big deal? Or is it not?
Shall we stare on as rocks evolve?
As the rocks evolve, will we just stop?
Will they grow on and we, grow not?

Is the rock a form of communication?
Is the rock the epitome of what we make?
What we do? What we value?
What we love? What we save?

Where's the glory? Where's the love?
What's between a bunch of rocks and I?
Where's the moment when I'll love rocks
And not hold tears back in my eyes?

Never dying, never criticizing,
Never complaining, always obedient
Manipulated entertainers,
No wonder rocks, that's where we went

Will it stop? Luddites united?
Or are the rocks the newest wheel?
They give us so much to know and process
But rocks, from you, I'll never feel
514 · Jun 2013
The Waiting Room
I've been waiting here for such a long time,
inside this waiting room, inside my mind.
I'm sitting alone, I wait for my turn,
While all the while, my suppressed heart burns.

The woman at the desk sits with no fear,
She knows who I am and why I am here
Neither she nor I knows why I wait
but I have an advantage, I believe in fate

Although I am waiting, I know not what for,
I know not what lies beyond that door.
I dream it is happiness, tranquility, and peace,
but perhaps it is just the lair of a beast.

I'm chained down to my chair, but I never fight,
I'm only a prisoner of my own device.
Why do I wait, why can't I run free?
I need that door, it's become part of me.

So yes, I'll wait, until the room ends,
since it's in my mind, on me it depends
I will wait in this room as long as I can,
wishing all the while to be a real man.
First poem of a series, so to speak, a series of poems from a chapter of my life or something, I'm not trying to sound profound. Anyways, if you liked it, there's more to come
465 · Mar 2017
Ivy
Ivy
Instead of blood and genuine feeling
My core processes other stuff
It grows within and takes me over
And never does it have enough

Although it's really in my brain
I feel it elsewhere every day
Although it causes strain and pain
I cannot ever get away

There's one discharge that can fight it
And it is truly most related
But this act taunts me and I spite it
For true relief, I have long waited

As said before, it's in my mind
But it feels like it spreads all over
I've fought and pined to no avail
I can't even make it slower

I'll call it Ivy, as it grows
And as it takes a female name
For women are its main focus
Much to my own ambivalent shame

They say we're born to reproduce
Deduce value from this, I cannot
This long term goal is why I'm here
But also why my pride is not

This Ivy acts on my behalf
Desperately seeking what I shouldn't get
It's so disgustingly eager for
Approval, praise, eye contact, and ***

Try as I might, when fed small doses
The Ivy strongly grows inside me
I act a fool, ask for too much
And then hide away from society

And then it dies, receding in failure
The adrenaline it pumps is no longer
But only for now, for next time it's fed
There's no doubt that it will grow stronger

And have the wars between Ivy and I
Ever caused me so much shame!
I really can't combat the ****
That plays this eternal awful game

My perceptions also are warped
To be quite tragic and quite strange
When beauty's pain, and kindness poison,
Is my behavior not essentially deranged?

Much like a war, in the past,
Ivy has sent a final strike
The devil on my shoulder wins
And takes one more girl from my life

Just play it cool, I'd tell myself
And have restraint and just be patient
But stronger feelings are then felt
And they then lead to isolation

The medium through which this comes
Is often an inappropriate sharing
"I'm not in love, but you mean a lot to me,
Sorry if I'm too overbearing.

If I am, please cut me off
And don't ever talk to me again.
I want whatever's best for you.
Forever yours, I mean, your friend,

Nick.
So what's restraint, or fighting Ivy,
If not a temporary solution?
My feelings must eventually come out
And shake away the restrictive illusion.

The illusion that Ivy is not me
Is one I try to encompass
But what if I let myself be free
And play my heart's tune like a trumpet.

I already basically do
As it's clear I reek of desperation
But to make their discomfort even less
Perhaps I'll offer this salutation

"Hello! I'm Nick! Good to meet you.
Wait, don't look me in the eye.
I'm full of love and will act as such,
But in return, please don't be kind.

For if you do, I'll become too happy.
And after that, much too excited.
And then I'll be nearly obsessed.
And I won't be able to fight it.

I'll annoy you. Message you all the time!
And act as an annoyance.
So how about we just skip all of that,
And you treat me like I'm pointless?

If there is one thing you must know,
I am the dog that's at your feet
Endlessly happy when I have your attention
And always eager for a treat

And always eager to serve you too!
I'll do whatever I can
You have my undying loyalty
So give me some commands.

I'm begging you, I want to help.
Just give me any minuscule task
I'll try my best, and do it well,
And all you have to do is ask!

You don't owe me anything in return!
Your attention to me is more than enough
From this experience, you will learn
That I am full of some sort of love.

But how about we just skip all that?
And I'll make this really nice and painless
I'm a desperate, toxic, list-filled mess
Our relationship, for you, would be gainless!

So therefore, don't keep me around,
Just to make me feel alright
I'll tell you now, my love won't stop
And it will just be endless strife."

Once I say all that, I'll wait for a response
If the girl I love hasn't walked away.
Ivy will make me do this again tomorrow.
But tomorrow is another day.
Longer poem about one of my biggest emotional/social problems. Last line is a quote from my favorite book ever! Look up what it is.
459 · Oct 2017
Food Coloring
I.
Why must my selfish, lustful, counterproductive desires interfere with my capability and passion to help others?
I have abundance of selfish desires...I might even go as far as saying I am "selfish" or "self-centered".
However, my desires fall in one of two dire categories...Those that I want, but are out of my control, and those that are useless or mildly productive at best.
Video games? Relationships? Approval?...Do these make me stronger? Will I be able to help more people this way?

II.
What else is there other than assistance? Is that the most accessible form of love, is that the only selfish reason I want to help people?
Can I really internalize the fact that helping others makes at least two lives better (myself and whoever I help) and the additional fact that doing things for myself is worthless? How much do I need to relax? Why can't I help people and then help some more and sell my video games and donate my blankets?

III.
Do I owe it to myself to purify my actions and devote my life to service? Or am I an unnecessary element who should serve in a minimal way while simultaneously indulging in nothingness and desperation for love? The dangers of temptation haunt me because if I ever get what I want, it will make my life so much worse and I'll be so much more useless since my desperation will probably consume me and I'll waste my time stimulating myself behind closed doors and I won't really be helping anybody except for myself.

IV.
Take your time. Help in moderation. Let me walk in the street and please don't run me over. I feel good. I don't want what I want but I do want whatever melancholic love concoction I have brewed in my mind where ideas boil and the base liquid of selfishness is made wholesome by the distributive food coloring of love.
455 · Feb 2017
Derision
Derision about precision
Makes my poetry a mockery
My words fit somewhat nicely
But my meanings are lost like me

I can't tell where this is going
But I'll know where it is soon
It is long and it is hard
But I'm composing a new tune

A linear progression
Would warrant fewer questions
And it'd be like all my heroes
Instead of like all my best friend's

Favorite musical artists
And those are generally rappers
And I have rap in my heart
And that is what really matters

So my words have to fit nicely
But meanings are not as vital
People who get it might like me
And if not, there's always "life goals"

And other universal
Generic humor that pleases
But artwork takes something moral
And breaks it down into pieces

And sometimes it's like a sculpture
Or maybe more of a collage
Sometimes meaning's apparent
Other times it's a barrage

And it's hitting you all over
And you don't quite see the picture
But sometimes that brings us closer
Because life too is a mixture

Of things that don't fit nicely
And things that can hit you strongly
This poem's ordered but it might be
Something that you'll think of fondly
straightforward vs. confusing
451 · Nov 2016
Faith
Walking alone through the rain
My feel were calm, my heart strained
It never comes a day too late
My endless healer, loving faith

Faith keeps me grounded when my heart flies
Faith gives me life when my spirit dies
Faith narrows my sights when they're too broad
Faith makes me want to beat the odds

But actually, the odds are my faith
Odds are I'll do well and graduate
And get a job, and have some kids
And try to teach them how to live

Faith feels so deep, spiritual, and real
From where it's derived, here's the deal
It feels the deepest part of me
It feels like what only my heart sees

It feels like faith is the love in my mind
It feels like faith helps me unwind
Faith makes me want another day
Faith drives all of the fear away

But faith stems from logic and reason
Math and odds about my life
Every season, I move forward
But faith keeps me away from the knife

It's origins make it contradict
And they are all that makes me sick
So thank you faith, you ever patient
Love-flight-dream simulation
450 · Nov 2017
You and I
Look how they fight
Look how they search
Look how they bite
Look how they work

See how they’re just
See how they’re bold
See how they lust
See how they’re told

Always, what to do
Always what to think
Always what to love
Always what to drink.

Cry for their pain
Cry for their resistance
Cry for their strain
Cry when they listen

To all of the prophets
Who, while self-elected,
Have totally lost it
And ought to be rejected.

Forgive their mistakes
Forgive their desires
Forgive their brisk fates
Forgive their bright fires

Love them with pride
Love them with understanding
Love with no guide
Love with no planning

See how they cower
See how they soar
Hour by hour,
They always want more

Look how they fly
Look how they run
Look how they try
Look at everyone
440 · Nov 2016
Musical Media Machine
Short circuits in my brain strain my mind to keep me alive
Music that flows through daily skipping, less meaning is derived
Less meaning derived, anxiety comes alive
Face to face with reality with no place to hide

No place to hide since music is the shelter
I want to hide away but my community swelters
If you're integrated, then you soon become needed
So that you can have an excuse to keep out of the deep end

The barrier that separates the best from the sad
Is a melody driven by emotion and cultural fads
It's a fine line with a really strong cadence
That I march to, resulting in a semblance of patience

I wade through the water, and it's crystal clear
As I go in deeper, less people are near
When it's up to my neck, that's when I hear my songs
Lovers of music would even say I'm using it wrong

When I hear the songs, they make me turn around
No, you're not alone, yeah, we're all that down
Hypnotizing music forces me out of the deep end
Heading back to community, trying to make amends

In the water, expectations regulate what you see
Like it says on the schedule, this is where I should be
When I look in your eyes, you look at me the same
We both signed up, but are we pawns of the game?

Either way it's secure, swimming with all the fish
But opening up my mind causes aquatic drift
So how can I feel while staying on the inside?
Is it easier to just be blind?

Where this all leads to is hard to say
So I survive by sensations I enjoy day to day
It's fairly methodical and it feels so clean
Which is logical for musical media machine

Like me
Just an idea I had for a poem, metaphor about society and thoughts and similar concepts.
435 · Apr 2018
Smol
Can I do you a favor?
419 · May 2023
Overdue
Thanks, Hello Poetry! :)
I’m glad it exists
415 · Jan 2018
Empty Chest
I stare inside an empty chest
Where used to, there be such a mess
Panic, fear, urgent anxiety
To certain varieties of these drugs
I make a toast to my sobriety

A right of passage,
Was my consumption.
What I chose to do
How I chose to function
My takings of nothing and making them something
Are nowhere to be found,
Except away from me, running

What’s gone is gone
What’s mine is mine
What’s outdated and failed
For it, there’s no time
No rhyme or reason
No proper season
No excuses
Now, we’re even

This heart shaped box
Was in disguise
Though it told truths,
Now they are lies.
Truth is subjective
It’s all about time.
Mine has now changed,
How sublime!

Full of love,
Not driven by it.
No reckless outpours,
I keep it quiet.
And in my mind,
Rather than a riot,
The fog is cleared.
I’m glad I tried it.
414 · Sep 2017
Lake
Rippling water. Perfect. Distance. Better. Beautiful. Fading. Circle. Incomplete circle with one arc missing. Beautiful. Fading. Waving. Riding a wave until its demise. Lying. Relaxing. Waving. Crashing. Immediate imperfection. Distance. A perfect sight from a distance. Initial chaos. Organization. Life. Traveling. Riding. Dying. Terminating. Repeating. Rippling. Cold water.
407 · Nov 2017
Community
You call it love
I call it desire
You call it conformity
I call it fire

Spreading around
Placating desire
Drowning and burning
In the fire

You call it hate
I call it control
You call it loneliness
I call it soul

What’s gone is gone
From your control
What’s hated is fine,
It’s eating your soul.

You call it music
I call it life
You call it truth
I call it the knife

That cuts the deepest
Not wrong or right,
It takes what’s darkest
And brings it to light.

You call it wise
I call it aware
You call it prizes
I call it sharing

What we value,
What we prove.
If we value objects,
We’ll never lose.

You call them things,
I call them nothing.
You call them wings
I call them suffering

Flying high
Above the rest,
Where is everyone?
Is this the test

You choose to pass
By looking down?

From start to finish,
We prowl the ground
Amongst ourselves
Safe and sound
Looking for love
Looking around
402 · Jun 2015
The Mirror pt.1
Face to face, looking at me
Face to face with my enemy
Face to face with my best friend
Face to face won't you set me free?

Looking at you, no distractions
Evaluating my actions
Face to face with a liar
Face to face pure fire

Summer come ups are the worst
I still remember my first
All of the darkness inside
Summer cracks me open wide

Look at you, no regrets
Look at you, empty threats
Look, you can't even address
Look, this is internal stress

Tell me to keep that smile on
Tell me keep that heart strong
Ignore the past and pretend
Now you can't even pretend

Standing here face to face
Look at me, pure disgrace
Look at me, no fear
I don't know how I got here

What's up with being admired?
Is it me or are you tired
Pretending like they all know
How you could never say no

Lookin at me and my speech
Thinking I'm going to teach
Running away from my past
Slowing down, summer's my mass

Summer is still my confession
Time to address my obsession
Time to address my mistakes
Time to obsess my mistakes

Tired of being alone
I love myself, hold the phone
Where did myself even go?
I'm nowhere near this flow

I see myself through my people
I see myself through the reader
I see myself through expression
Mirror just causes depression

Thinking about those times
Thinking about those tries
Attempts at being fulfilled

Thought about running away
Thought about leaving someday
You told me you had nothing

You don't know what you've got
You haven't suffered a lot
You've suffered a little bit
You haven't gone through it

What's up, can't you hear it
What's up, broken spirit
Noises of promising future
It's just become unclear

I've got several promises
That I'll have a great life
I just hope these witnesses
Will help me learn to fight

I don't know what I can do
But try to come fight you
Mirror shards breaking apart
Broken mirror, reflective heart

Heart, time to just shut up
You've got love but no luck
Your choices were all wrong
Express yourself through song

That's about all you can do
Other than try to be true
And then fall into a trap
And then excessively snap

You snap in the wrong direction
What do you call perfection?
Will you leave me alone?
I know you've heard that tone

Now it's coming from me
Your leader is not free
Because you set me up
Because you messed me up

Mirror set me on fire
Mirror calls me a liar
Back to day one
Back under the gun

Hope we make it back
Who really built that track
I loved myself before
But it's becoming a chore
Sad mood, sad poem. Summertime sadness is here
393 · Jul 2017
Safety Net
I can't just pretend to be cool and put together, when I'm needy and I need you

If I were really cool, a perfect case of what people want,
I'd act like a fool to draw people in
I'd use my mannerisms as a clever fetching tool,
And reap the rewards of my good intent.

When I realize how I'm evil inside,
The greatest sin would be to mask that.
If I drew you in under a set of lies,
Would you be water, and I'd be a hand-woven basket?

An amateur trapeze artist,
You might take a leap of faith onto me
I'm a safety net with a huge gaping hole
And if the light is right, you might not see

The big gaping hole you're about to fall through
Quick! Someone turn on the lights
Illuminate with truth and love
And turn away those wrong or right

It matters not how adaptable you may believe yourself to be,
If there's a big hole you fall through,
You better look for a tree!

Or a close friend to cushion the fall,
My gaping hole knows no repair
You can run away and think of me not at all,
I wouldn't even care.

I might long to be with you,
That longing might be months or years,
But what if you stayed and let me hurt you more?
That's really my greatest fear.

I always say let there be light!
Embrace my whole, don't look away.
See me for what I am inside
And consider what might be at stake.

Is there enough of me in you
That you know how it is to need?
Is there enough of you in me
That I can conform easily

And take what I have, and **** it out,
Give a sales pitch every word I speak?
And then the truest inner self
Would just be who I want to be?

I'm not like that, the me I aspire for
Is within me, but that's my appearance.
The me I fear and hide you from
Is over there on clearance.

Ask what I can do right,
And get charged an enormous amount
Ask me what I can do wrong
The price, in cents, on your fingers, you can count.

It's all for sale! It's all for the better,
Me showing you what's what in here.
If you don't drown, you'll be much wetter
When you experience what I fear

There's no masking it! I won't fool you!
I would never commit such an injustice
I love you so much, I want for you,
To be spared of life's offers roughest

I save such time! Yet waste so much,
On fools who don't know my bad side.
If all is well that ends swiftly,
Let me bring us to demise.

I'm so happy I saw my darkness
And learned the importance of shedding light.
Don't ever only see my goodness,
and don't ever let me waste your life.
A poem about my darkness and how it can hurt people, so I try to spare them.
391 · Feb 2017
Be Like Him
When I bought food today, the guy behind the counter said,
"How's your weekend?" and "Have a good day, Nick."
My response was, "You as well." And I really meant it. I couldn't believe he read Nickolas on my I-card, assumed people call me Nick, (which they do), and called me Nick.
I left and I thought to myself, "I'm like him."
I love connecting with people. I want to not be afraid to talk personally with people who I don't know personally. I just want to dive in.
I want to read nametags and after the wonderful young lady at Starbucks gives me my change for my Grande Caramel Machiato, I'd say, "Thanks Sara. Have a great day". She might look at me and say "Thanks! You as well! :)" Or she might say, "Thanks...you too o_O"
Does it matter?
When you give someone your love, even if it's just a milliliter, especially if it's just a milliliter, do they have to like it? Do they have to reciprocate it?
Do those people who always smile and are full of love prefer their lovees to be put off by their kindness, making the lover superior because they have more love than the lovee could ever imagine?

It's just that love has to be selfish. There must be something to gain.
I love people and I never got out of that phase of when you're a child and you think everyone is perfect and they know what they're doing.

See, I cognitively now realize that people are just as lost as me, but emotionally, I feel that everyone else is on a level above me and I am a few levels down. In terms of how much love I deserve, how much attention I deserve.

I love seeing other people happy. But me? I could do without it. It's immaterial.

So when other people love, it's lovey love, it's happiness love, it's the love that's in the air, the love that makes you hold open doors, the love that makes you human.

When I love, it's the love that makes you write letters, the love that's begging for attention, looking for approval, trying to dominate others, trying to be human.

I want to be just like you. If I could treat myself how I treat you, I might be happier.

You can love something and not care about taking care of it. You can love something and let it go. You can love yourself and let yourself go.

It's really bad but I want to share this with others because my artwork might help someone someday and it helps me and that's cool, but knowing that everything I produce might someday make someone's life better even if it's just for one second, then it's worth it. It's extremely worth it.

So I want to be like that guy who works at that place. Someone who cares. And underneath all of that "I deserve way less than other people" emotional nonsense that plagues my neurons, I am.
Attempt at Slamish poetry, sort of a love letter to myself? Lol hope you enjoy
388 · Apr 2018
Knowing You
It tasted good only because you made it. Fear. Tragedy. Hope. Inevitability. Knowing it will all be over. Soon. The last time you see someone. The first time you see someone. The space in between. Finite. Always. The idea of a person in your mind. Forever. Always. Only sometimes on the surface. Often in the back of your mind. Forgotten for some time. Then thought about for one last time too. Tragedy. The last time you think of someone. Far away. Warmth. Blanket. Something you haven't told anyone. Saying it. Feeling like it's ok. Knowing it's ok. Knowing it's ok to be open. Opening. Breathing from the back of your mind where you don't usually go. Riveting. Rare. The moments where it is deep. Crying. Laughing. Laughing to avoid crying. Holding a box of tissues. Tears. Fear. Hope. Gratitude. Thrill. Empathy. Thinking about what to say. Not thinking about what to say. Hope. Trust. Honesty. Not having to think about what to say. Freedom. Freedom from fear. Freedom from manipulation. Freedom from judgment. Freedom from yourself. Knowing what it means to connect with someone. Knowing what it means. Gift. Blessing. Miracle. A gift nobody can take away from you. Information. Experience. Beauty. Disappearing. Disappearing, but having to have existed in the first place in order to disappear. Wonderful. Crying. Tears. Knowing what is going to happen in the future. Knowing separation is inevitable. Knowing sorrow. Knowing inevitability. Knowing what is best. Knowing what you want is not what you get. Knowing experiences. Knowing memories. Knowing closeness. Knowing warmth. Knowing fear. Knowing freedom. Knowing beauty. Knowing empathy. Knowing freedom from yourself. Knowing miracles. Knowing someone. Knowing you.
381 · Oct 2017
Grow
I see you now,
You always go.
All I ask,
Continue to grow!

Of good and bad,
I’ve much to learn.
But there’s good in you,
This I know.

The molecules around,
When you speak,
Come together,
And start to glow.

You’re wondrous words,
Always well sewn.
It’s such a gift,
Your fabric flow.

I always laugh,
You always know.
I can’t hold back,
My cover’s blown.

You try so hard,
You’ve made it known.
You’ve come so far,
It’s so well toned!

This character
You’ve fought to make
For whom you’ve had
To give and take

And at times,
You’re bent to break!
But you hang out
And make fate wait.

Powering through,
Commiting choicely.
What’s old is new
When you’re rejoicing

Of gifts of life!
You see so many,
And when you present,
They’re never ending.

What once was mild,
You revitalize
And for old subjects,
I have new eyes.

Thank you.
I always know
Everything I do
Might be the dough

That you can take
And make more pizzas
For the whole world
To love and eat some!

Never stop
Sharing your gifts,
Don’t doubt your skill.
Don’t doubt your wit.

It’s always worth
A contribution
For conversations,
You’re evolution.

It’s not all good,
But I am biased.
So despite this
Treasured alliance,

I’ll confess to you,
I think you’re perfect.
Not flawless,
But the flaws are worth it.

For when your flaws
Meet your traits,
It’s such an awesome
Wondrous way.

Of good and bad,
I don’t know much.
But continue to grow!
And always love.
377 · Jan 2018
Teething
Nothing’s simple
Nothing’s easy
Everything’s difficult
Makes me queasy

About my life
That has no meaning,
It’s often melting
And sometimes freezing

I’m growing up
Constantly teething
Emotions and logic
The toys I’m eating

Hard to swallow
I’m always leaving
Running in circles
Returning easily

From me to me,
A verbal beating
The poems, identical,
Worth deleting

Thoughts cross my mind
As long as I’m breathing
They cross each other often,
Always seething

With rage, waiting
For me to engage
Other people, hoping
That a glimpse at this face

Will brighten another one,
Start a cycle of brightness
But drawing other people in
Takes more than politeness

Who knows what it takes?
What do you need?
If I knew what it was
I’d offer it, with speed

I disagreed.
I never knew how to act first
Is it loving, caring, like I am
Or should I go with the worst

And trust this instinct I have
That everyone wants a stoic me
Everyone wants me to march in line,
Never writing poetry

Knowing I’m supposed to be
Just another staring face
Offering words selectively
And only in the right case.

That’s what some people want
Is it theirs to take?
Am I a popular vote persuasion
Meant to act how they say?

No way. I’d rather just be myself
Teething, breathing, poetry-ing
Worse for wear, but oh well.
This human is not for sale
377 · May 2014
Patrick Peace
I once had a dream that changed me.
Not only was the dream pivotal and perplexing
The dream altered who I was as a man.
My whole life I later found was artificial
In the sense that I was trapped in a body
And the body was trapped in a cycle.
After exiting my vehicle one Wednesday afternoon
I was homebound and I don’t remember much
And then the dream began.
I wish I could tell you more, but I can’t.
All I remember was how I felt in that moment
There were feelings around me that entered me somehow
Happiness, fulfillment, and spirit
It was a state of tranquility and nirvana
There was music playing, I just saw things I loved
Did things I wanted to do, I was myself forever
But the strange part of this dream
Is that it never ended.
377 · Dec 2014
Tantalizing
In all endeavors I seem to find
There is an eternal internal bind
Of which I create and then I crave
From which I cannot hope to escape

From where does fulfillment originate?
Is it not enough to live without hate?
Can anything be done without regret?
What sort of constant is this threat?

Leaving a room though physical action
Cannot be done without wishing for retraction
I should have said that, I should have done this
Does the right sequence of events even exist?

Why must the choices I make contradict
Every last desire and every last wish
That I ever formulate inside my mind?
It seems that this struggle is one of a kind

I don't know how to really be sure
Or definitely good, positively pure
Will I ever do something and say it's right?
Tantalizing me are my endless lost fights
Just thought of a word a like and then a poem to describe how it makes me feel
373 · Dec 2014
Midnight Musings (2am)
More or less, I am nothing

From dusk till dawn, hope of fulfillment desperately disappears and only distraction or unconsciousness can carry me through the night

If I start with nothing and fill myself with regret, then what will become of me if my only goal is to correct my past?

Only distraction and chase can fuel me. But then I can only aspire to be nothing
370 · Dec 2014
Midnight Musings(2:15am)
I am everything definitely

Around the world, my brothers and sisters move through time with me

Around me, the matter compliments me by absorbing my spirit, reflecting my light and containing my minerals

Within me, pure wholehearted emotions wrestle, while my essence contains them and burns consistently and ferociously

Without me, the elements move and shine in their own ways, and I am but another collection

I have always been
I am
I will always be

Everything
361 · Aug 2017
Disappearing
I want to give it all
I want to volunteer.
But what good is my gall
If I'm not even here?

I want to love you more,
I want to help you out
I want to shed some light
I want to strip your doubt

Stand upon my shoulders
Use me as a step ladder
If I couldn't support you, though,
Wouldn't I just not matter?

Take what's mine and make it yours
Use me the best way you can
Dock your boat upon my shore
Explore and prosper from my land

Take my crops, read my books,
Heed my wisdom, see my example!
Just don't misuse what you took,
From my supply, just take a sample

It's not much that I have for you,
But that is really all there is.
A grain of sand for your grand castle
Might not be much, but take my drips.

When you take, you give me more
Without having to give at all!
When I try to take and fail,
I feel pathetic and so small

Would anyone benefit from me
With my grandeur and my twists?
Is this mess behind a mask forlorn?
Might it just as well not even exist?

Take taxi cabs, use tennis shoes,
Move forward with life itself
And if you feel a calling to help me,
Leave that burden on the shelf.

My perspective's gone and twisted
I don't really know about my place
My nightmares calm me after my dreams
Shove what I want in my face!

And oh, if I could just change that!
How much I want what I truly don't!
How badly I long to be accepted,
How badly I long to be left alone!

Pain in my heart, pure straight jacket!
Confine my moves to make me seem
Like I could ever be someone's hero!
Like I could ever fulfill someone's dream!

It's all a ruse! I'm such a mess,
I write this poem out of rejection.
You miss the shots you never take,
But taken shots can be deadly weapons!

I see shots that I could take,
And I refuse and it ***** for days,
But I take shots and my heart breaks
And I can't make this go away!

Where's the exit to this maze,
Is it the real Suburban Dream?
Do I need psychoactive drugs
To **** the part of me that bleeds?

Where's the napkins? Where's the gauze?
This bleeding really needs to stop!
I can't just ask for a transfusion,
And if it dies, then I'll be lost!

I'm guided by my bleeding heart,
One failure after the next,
I beat myself down night after night,
And now, all I can say is, what's left?

What is there left in my hollow shell
Besides my love and my caring nature?
There's also tons of ways to waste time,
Will artwork be my savior?

Is numbing the pain until it's gone
The right answer, my best bet?
I need to find some way to be strong
And try to save what I have left.

Let me help you, give me meaning,
Give my ungrateful self some worth!
There's only so much time I'll have
To love people here on this earth.
Just how I'm feeling
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