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Everywhere I go my body aches
Of regret
Of sadness
Of what could have been
The sun glares upon the windows of my childhood home
Milkshakes, dumb jokes, high school love shared there

Four years in my new home
A college love
Memories that I cannot remember but cannot forget
Hiking, skiing, adventuring

Then distraction
My life is picture perfect
i am so happy
millions of friends
supportive family
life is too too too good
And then it repeats

I did this all to myself
I do this to myself every time
Why can’t I let myself be
I push myself so much so that I can never be content

I don’t want to feel this way anymore
Early risers begin their morning commute in the cool fresh air
As I jog and listen to the soft silence of Bangalore
Packs of dogs argue and shout at each other at night
During the day they bask in the warmth by an open door

Red brick and greenery adorn the dream school
The walls speak the chatter of foreign female tongues
I’m confident that even when we leave
These girls will leave no song left unsung

Group dinners, all 17 of us packed inside
Laughter, jokes and great food to eat
Paneer, gobi, mango lassi for dessert
Relaxing, sometimes weird, conversations with Jaspreet

Constant noise, horns, chanting and drums
That once were so prominent have now faded away
The longer you are here, the less you notice
Until in the background these sounds will forever stay

I lay back in the auto, the brilliant stars stare into my soul
The cool breeze of Hampi whistles through my ears
Where would I be right now, without India?
Without my wonderful, supportive peers?

And just then my eyes struggle back tears
Because despite my many problems and my many fears
I will remember this trip for years and years

And for that I am so grateful,
Because of that, I will truly treasure these moments.
I want that new dress
I want those shoes
I want that body
I want to be liked
I want to love him
I want him to love me
Why?

I am being extreme
Even for me
To say that things, feelings, people, love does not matter
To say look at the bigger picture
That is not how humans work.

but it is hard when the people I meet here are not allowed to want
they do not have any possessions to flaunt
even their love is prearranged
and when they want, their life still remains unchanged

How do you stop the cycle of wanting and begin the cycle of accepting
I am not sure I will ever be able to do it.
****
  Jan 2019 I'll call her snow
J
I keep smiling down at my brussel sprouts and I think people are noticing.
Found this within a bunch of scattered thoughts about a boy I used to love and I  am reminded that this feeling is real.
Forlorn puppies hunt through the trash in search of food
Incessant honking pounds my eardrums
Putrid hints of smoke and diesel followed by the overwhelming stench of rotting trash scorches my nostrils
Uncontrollable spice followed by sour lassi irritate my tastebuds
Dirt rests in the barrier between my feet and the floor

Bejeweled saris radiate from neon lights
Quiet mantras echo off the walls of the yoga studio
Aroma of fresh baked dosa weaves up and down streets
The wetness of one pomegranate kernel refreshes my mouth
Slippery canary yellow kheer oozes out of my fingertips

I want to leave but also to stay
My feet are barefoot in the Hindu temple dating back to the 15th century.

My feet are barefoot in the Catholic chapel adorned with bright neon Christmas lights.

My feet are barefoot on the lush green lawn at ISI.

My feet are barefoot on the roof as they enjoy practicing yoga to the evening sunset.

When I get to my room and I take my shoes off, my feet are barefoot once again.
The calm makes me feel chaos and the chaos makes me calm
all was well at home though my mind was a hazy day
yet here, a place known for traffic and disarray
Is the place where anxious thoughts do not sneak in
is the mayhem mitigating my anxiety and fears
or are they just late to the show
will they hide for the first week but continue to fester and grow
until
meltdown
or will i finally be able to look in the mirror
be truly happy with what i see
be truly okay with me.
india
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