my hands lay on the keyboard.
so many things going through my head,
but I can't move my hands,
nor can I talk, or do anything.
I stare down.
I want,
I need that familiar clacking of the keyboard
to fill the air like oxygen in my lungs.
Where are you, my oxygen?
My thoughts?
Anything at all?
I sigh.
I look around, trying to find something to do.
To occupy myself,
to distract myself with something else than having
to live with this nagging feeling that I can't write anything.
That I can't think anything.
That I can't fill a page up with the words that are on my mind.
That I can't describe the pain I'm feeling.
That nagging feeling that closes in on me like a tight box.
I fall.

I've always wondered why they called it a "crush",
and now I think I know why.
I've admired you from afar,
knowing that if I told you my feelings,
it would ruin my life forever
because I was afraid of saying it to your face.
Sometimes we would catch each others eyes for a few seconds and then look back to the homework we were doing.
But I knew it wasn't going to happen.
Ever.
Not like you had a girlfriend or anything,
but it was because I could never talk to you.
And that crushed me.

thoughts spread like wildfires
shedding light to deep desires
staying put right where you are
not yet reaching for the stars.

Hurricane Eyes

I look into those
hurricane eyes that display
thousands of raindrops.
                                               ~n.r.

if I’m too shy to tell you
my feelings,
you’ll know.
I’ll hide behind my thousands of masks
quietly laughing and telling you jokes
because I’m afraid
that if I tell you one small thing
my masks will fall off
and one thing will lead to everything.
I may be unexpressed but I have a lot of things
to think about.    
                    ~n.r.

i hate what you do to me
i'm looking up at the stars right now
and it feels like you're staring back
i can feel you near, but it's not enough
i want you here
and safe on the ground
i want you back

****.

i begged you not to
'leave'
and you still did
you left me here, empty
and i know it's too late
i know

i wonder what you'd say to me
if you had the chance to talk to me for the last time.

i wish i couldve stopped you
and i love you so much.

nostalgia
when i hear our song
i feel numb.
i feel numb on my shoulders
because that’s where you
used to put your head;
i feel numb on my cheeks
because that’s where you would kiss me,
and cup your hands around,
for what we had once before
we have no more.

the blood moon shines bright tonight
it casts a red shadow in my window.
this is my first time doing an all nighter,
and I feel it's a sign.
the stars align
i open my blinds
and all i see is the sun coming up
i ignored the time
spent all my time
looking at the stars
and not seeing what was really in front of me.
i feel different
merely a difference
but still, maybe something
like something churning
inside of me.

You promised me forever
even in a life that is temporary
and you broke two things with one word.
“Bye”

We try so hard for a life that’s good
Until we’re all numb.
Until we have been hurt so much that we
say we’re fine.
Until we look into the mirror and see all the good things that we are not
instead of seeing the good things that we are.
Until we’re all too blind to past all the lies that society shows.
Until the light runs out leaving all of us in the dark, with
nothing to say or do except lay there and
look up at the thousands of stars of the cold and bitter night and
one day eventually fall asleep.
Until that icy glacier covering your heart freezes more.
Until we take a breath in and can’t let it out because
everytime that you let someone go
it hurts and you know you possibly can’t let go another.
Until someone can’t grab you and
hold you tight like an anchor to reality.
So promise me you won’t break my heart again
even though I know you will.

                            ~n.r.

these are the last pages
before it's all gone
these are the last pages
ending what is wrong
these are my last words
these cords wrap around me
before I can't tell you
that we aren't meant to be

I always tell myself that tomorrow will be a better day
but will tomorrow be when the pain goes away?
or will I be able to feel ok?
will the skies in my mind finally not be gray?