It always seemed light years away.
I never thought the day would come,
or I'd even make it here.
It's unbelievable as to what happens by the time you turn 16.

You make mistakes,
but you have the best time of your life.

Trying drugs,
getting drunk.

Things I never thought I'd do.

All I can really say is this,
I made it.

Through the good and the bad,
I've made it.

I sat here and wrote
10 different
******* poems
on being 17

All I can say is

I should have not
grown up so ****
f a s t .

And maybe that's where
you and I
went wrong

You refused to
grow up
as I kept maturing
and started realizing how
****** up we were

I grew up and realized
I can't live in the
shadow of you
making sure every ****
move I make
would be approved by you

I grew up and realized
the jealousy was only tearing
us a part because
you didn't want me
but you didn't want
anyone else to have me

I grew up and realized
I deserve so much more than
what you were giving me
and what you were giving me
was never genuine and true

I grew up and realized
I'm now 17
my life as a
teenager will soon be over
and I have to grow the **** up

I grew up and realized
you will not be around after high
school
we will be old best friends

I grew up and realized
it's over
and you are now nothing
but a mistake.

I never knew the real you.

You're nothing.

2. The piece of my heart you stole has been regenerated.

3. You cease to exist.

4. You didn't make an impact on me.

5. I never loved you.

6. You were the part of me that I despised.

7. Now that you're gone, I'm swimming in self-love.

I am not actually happy,
it's just the pills.

My friends are problematic.
I'm failing math.
I have two left feet,
and I'm awkward as hell.

My family fights a lot.
My father is gone.
My mom is a lunatic,
and I'm depressed.

I have scars.
I have a story to tell.
I'm not myself anymore,
and maybe someone better.

I'm always exausted.
I'm in love with a boy named Guy.
I hate myself,
and I'm tired of it.

When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might end up being me

Keep on dreaming, don’t stop breathing, fight those demons
Sell your soul, not your whole self
If they see it when you’re sleeping, make them leave it
And I can’t even see if it’s all there anymore so

You’re too mean, I don’t like you, ******* anyway
You make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs
It hurts but I won’t fight you
You **** anyway
You make me wanna die, right when I

I can't quite explain
how this happened
and why.
But I can't
stay away from your
touch,
smell,
love.
You couldn't stay
away from me.

I've been afraid
all my life.
I've waited for
you.
I never expected
someone like you.
I couldn't predict
you would mean this much
the day I first saw you.
You are my world.

Many wait a life time
for a person that would
fill the emptiness in
their heart.
Some die still waiting
for that stinging touch
from a special loved one.

I'm lucky.
You found me.

I don't know and
can't know what tomorrow,
next week,
next year,
next decade
will bring.

All I know is that
when I walk
into the Commons
of the center of my
school,
I swear I will weep in
your arms.

"I can't do this anymore.
I need you."

"Where you at, my baby."

The date has become nothing,
and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing

Tonight my love is unsafe,
I'm left with doubts and mistakes,
Collapsing into the bottle of you.
If I could rewind and go back,
I'd destroy the place that we first me at.
And I just might.

We used to be closer than this
We used to be closer than this
We used to get closer than this
Is it something you missed?

Winged or chained
I ask you would you have stayed
Did I hold you too tight?
Did I not let enough light in?

I remember how you smiled into the air
on that cold Friday night.
And I remember how your smile turned into
a dead grin.

I hope to forget the day I found you.

Everyone loses someone,
but I should have never lost you.

You, my love,
you were the light of my day,
the dark of my night.

Your cold, dead skin,
rotting away.
You should be rotting in my arms.

Oh,
how I remember you holding my hand.
And how you would kiss my lips and I would
float into a daze.

You're gone.
And this is my story.

We fell in love that year.
Love spoke that night,
drunken at a bar.
First beer,
second,
third,
fourth,
fifth...I'd lost count.

You had a few,
one,
two,
three...I didn't really count.

Love had a voice of its own in a drunken state.
It told you I loved you.
Love doesn't lie when you're this wasted,
it merely tells the truth.

You grabbed my by the shoulders.
Kissed me,
and Love spoke again.
"I love you, too."

Surely,
Love spoke,
but deep down I know,
I was the one who really spoke.

You yelled,
threw things around.

Hit,
scratched,
punched.

I didn't lay a finger on you,
but you layed all ten on me.

That morning,
I counted.
13 bruises,
15 scratches.

We all have our scratches and bruises,
but at the hand of a loved one?

Even after that,
you're still perfect to me.

Was I scared?
--Well, when she was coughing her lungs out and had to run to the sink to spit in order to breathe again, I kind of got scared. And when I took a hit and the smoke filled my lungs, pulled the bowl out, breathed in more smoke, held it in, finally let it out and passed it to my uncles girlfriend, I was scared; yes. I could feel my lungs blackening and my chest burning, eyes watering, and nothing but coughing. I just remember thinking "it's Christmas. Why am I doing this? It's Christmas." But that didn't stop me from grabbing the **** again. Eyedrops were a life saver, so was my uncle's water. With my knees trembling and my heart racing I got in the car and headed back. My cousin made a joke claiming it to only be funny when we were high, then apologized for it being so stupid. We drove back to the house -- yes we had a designated driver, and stumbled out of the car and went back into my Nanny's house like nothing had happened. Talking to my family was not the easiest, but no one suspected a thing. Eyes droopy, room turning in circles, cotton mouth, slow speech, all things that happened while trying to keep cool.

I guess you could say I had a high and mighty Christmas this year.

I wonder if it is bothering you at all.

It's 8:00pm
and Carlos picks me up.
Full bottles of ***** litering his
floorboards.
Hartwell in the passenger seat,
I sit behind him.
Leila in the middle
and Will on the far left.
Will is already drunk

It's 9:00pm
and I walk into Dylan's house.
Loud music blaring from his speakers.
My bag on the ground,
the ***** and beer on the table.
I mix the drinks because Leila doesn't know how.

It's 10:00pm
and every one is here.
Will and I sit together.
He is so drunk, and I am named the babysitter.
I make small talk while sipping the horrible jungle juice Leila ****** up.
My jungle juice was better.
I hand Robbie a 10.
He buys more Mountain Dew to mix more.

It's 11:00pm
and I get a call from Joseph.
"Is it weird if I stop by?"
I utter no and ask Mr. Ed for the address.
I run inside to tell Leila.
She hands me a shot of fireball.
I threw it back like a pro.
Luke hands me the jungle juice.
I chug.

It's 11:15pm
and Joseph calls
"I'm outside."
I walk by Will to act normal.
"I want ******* hookers and blow."
He's ****** up.
He looks up behind me,
and I turn around.
Joseph towers over me,
and without thinking I throw my hands around him.
I'm choking back tears.

It's 11:30pm
and I drunkenly drag Joseph outside.
He knows I want to talk.
No words,
only tears.
I cry into his arms for what seems like forever.
He promises to never leave me again.

It's 11:50
and Dylan yells for every one to go outside.
The countdown begins.

It's 11:59
and we wait.
5..
4..
3..
2..
1..
"HAPPY NEW YEAR."
Carlos is the first to hug me.
Will passes out on a car.

It's 12:03am
and I try to wake Will up.
He finally comes to it.
He somewhat runs inside for more alcohol.
I hastily follow.

It's 12:10am
and Carlos is pouring shots of ***** for the 3
of us.
We drink.
Carlos runs to the sink.
I get him water.
Every one comes back inside.

It's 12:15am
and Carlos hands me champagne
which he refused to give to anyone else.
I drink.

It's 12:30am
and Joseph has to leave.
I beg him not to.
He says he'll see me Saturday.

It's past 1:00am
and Will is in sick in the bathroom.
I take care of him.
Leila comes in
and makes herself puke because she drank too much.
Will cries because he doesn't like seeing his sister like that.
I hold him.

It's past 2:00am
and Carlos is the first one out.
We find spots to sleep.
I'm sandwiched between a snoring Carlos
and a different Joseph on the sofa.
Will is at the bottom.
Hartwell sleeps on the floor.

It's past 3:00am
and every one is alseep.
I lie awake thinking how good it is
to start 2016 this way.

Would you rather his hand in your pants,
or my heart in your hands?

If Dexter Morgan was real,
maybe he'd **** the demons
that threaten to **** me.

I dream of my soul being his.

Eyes that gleamed so bright,
and a voice deeper than the ocean.
Tall as a mountain,
strong as the wind.
Veiny hands
and a radient smile.

Oh, how I wish he was mine.

It must feel like
heaven in your arms.

When I was little
Halloween was one of my favorite holidays.
Candy and costumes galore.

As I grow older the spirit fades,
Trick-or-Treating is no more.
I don't take on a new identity for the night,
but instead contemplating on drinking
and scaring children.

No costume,
no candy,
just a bottle full of *****,
and I'm being something I never wanted to be.

Growing up isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

Are we dating? Are we *******?
Are we best friends? Are we something in between that?
I wish we never ******, and I mean that

Step 1: Think about the one you miss. Maybe look at a few old pictures or letters they have written to you. Take out the clothes you've taken from them. Look at the ring that they gave to you. This starts the process.

Step 2: Try to message them, then once you try to press send, delete it.

Step 3: Remember them. Remember their smell. Remember their touch. Remember their voice. Remember their love towards you. Remember the little things about them.

Step 4: Think about how happy they are without you. Remind yourself that they don't need or want you anymore.

Step 5: If you're not dead by this step, try to erase any memory of them. Burn their pictures. Erase their contact. Block them. Unfollow them. Delete them from your life.

You hate me for all the wrong reasons.
You don't even know the real story.
You're a puppet on a string,
and you can't think.

Just listen to me when I say this:
you've got the wrong information.
I didn't cause any harm.
I wasn't the source of the poems.
She found them on her own.
I do take the fault for the one poem that was about her,
but that was the only one.

Keep believing the lies that you have been told.
It's not a big deal.
I don't have to prove myself to you,
or make you believe me.

This is just a bump in the road for me,
losing you and all.

I won't be visiting your high school this year,
or years to come.
The last time you saw me is the last you'll ever see of me again.

I'm on a journey that I wish you could be apart of,
but things don't always work out that way.
I'm trying to find peace and happiness,
but that cannot be acheived just yet.

So this is a second goodbye.
I hope you get your facts straight,
realize I'm not as horrible as you think I am.
I'm the same me.

I know I should hate you,
despise you,
loathe you.




…but I don't.
I love you and always will.
This is a good thing,
you blocking me and everything.

I can take a weight off my shoulders,
make it feel like I never knew you.

The burns from where you touched me are gone.
The scar you left on my heart has faded.
The impression that you left in my mind has vanished.

I've moved on and showed myself there's more to live for.
So, I think this is my last goodbye to you.
Not a proper one,
and probably one you will forget.
But as you said, we're on separate journeys,
and I guess it's time I live mine.

I'm trying to not forget you,
but I can't remember the things we talked about.
I can't recall what we watched or listened to on those late nights.
I don't remember how your hands felt through my hair,
and I don't remember what your skin felt like against mine.

All I remember is how you loved me,
how you often said it.
I never said it back.
Why?
    

I was afraid.
Afraid of what could happen to us,
afraid of my parents,
afraid of loving you.

I loved you.
I loved you with my everything.
I had another,
but I wanted you.

I craved you more than a druggie craved a needle poking into their arm.
I craved you more than a cutter craved their blade.

I remember thinking I couldn't kiss you.
        --I couldn't take advantage of you the way your step-brother did.
But, oh,
how I wanted to grab you and throw you up against the wall and share my breath with you.

Honestly,
I wanted your love.
I had it,
and you had mine.
        --You just didn't know it.

You will always have my heart.
I am no longer afraid.
I'm just a little bit late.

"Literally I think your ******* possessed the devil is some scary **** I don't **** with that"

I've been thinking a lot about death lately.
What happens,
where you go.

I believe that we don't go to a magical place
with a mysterious creator.
We don't go to a place with fire everywhere
with a terrible ruler.

Where we go?
I don't know.

I realized that I will die,
that something will **** me.

I'm going to die.

It really sunk in and I just keep thinking
I'mgoingtodie.I'mgoingtodie.I'mgoingtodie.
I don't know when,
how,
or where the hell I'm going to go,
and it scares me.

I'm scared.

The back of my eyelids can't seem to forget you.
I fell asleep that night,
drunk as can be.
I had a dream about you,
the way it use to be;
the way it should be.

When I woke up I ran to the bathroom and threw up last nights party.
I gagged and gagged and tried to get rid of the thought of you.
But it's not just something I can throw up.

It's not easy living without you.

When will it be over?
--the pain I mean.

Waking up without you in my bed,
that's probably the hardest part.
Not being able to smell your scent on my pillow.
Not being able to see your morning beauty.

What am I doing with myself?
--Living in the past.

Ya know,
I often yell at myself to wake up.

"Skylar wake up.
Skylar wake the **** up.
This isn't a ******* game.
She's gone and now it's just you and your thought.
Wakeup.Wakeup.Wakeup."

I don't wake up.
I sit there in my everyday mind set,
and I just can't rid the thought that I have to live without you.

It's been a year.
A year that we seperated.
I can't shake the truth.
One whole year.
Over 365 days without you.

I just want to snap and you be here beside me.
It's not that easy, I guess.
--I'm talking about loving someone.

You're irreplaceable.
No one,
no one in the ******* world could make up for what part you played in my life.
You helped me figure things out,
realize that I am loved.

I think I've realized that all I need in this world is your love.
--Well, I guess that means I don't have what I need.

I'm happy for you.
You're suppose to move on,
find another.
I know this is selfish,
but what about ME?

What am I saying?
It could never happen.
You're in a world I have no part in.
A world where the grass is green and the sun shines bright on your future.
--a future I'm not a part of.

It's not your fault, I know.

You met me at a wrong time in my life.
A time where the darkness was my only friend.
I was,
well I was ****** up.
I was sick.

Only if you would have met me a year later.
I'm brighter.
--especially in the daylight.

Maybe meeting me later would have made a difference.
Who knows?

Maybe it's for the best we're apart.
I wasn't healthy,
and you weren't either.
We were two negatives trying to make a positive.

Bottom line is:
I wish I was yours.

I haven't thought about cutting myself in a while.
Watching the blood pour,
and feeling the sting.
Watch as my troubles bleed out of me,
and forget that anything mattered.

I remember that day i wept into your arms.
im not sure why i did,
but i cried and cried.
i think it was because i wanted to **** myself.

a reason why i didn't go through with it is because i didn't want to have to live in a world without you.
well, i have to now.
i live in a separate wold than you,
and that was one of my biggest fears,
and now i have to face it.

i feel alive in your arms.

I swayed in his arms
and I knew what true friendship
felt like.

I adore you.

you're not capable of being in love with me,
but as long as you love me,
i'm okay.

What was going on in your head in that moment?

There is nothing I love more
that being in your arms
and me in yours.

Your smell making me feel
like I am at home.

Your soft snores filling
my ears.

Your tired eyes,
and the sleepy cuddling
when we wake up.

And when your smell stains
my pillow.

I'm so sick of sleeping alone.

He apologized multiple times because
he was my first,
but
that's all I've ever wanted.

I have seen many eyes,
but have only made a home in yours.

And I will run until
I find my peace

Always boasting my emotions
On how I'm so ******* broken
Think I'm joking
When I'm talking
About blowing my head open
Till the moment you walk in
And find my body motionless
Wrists slit

Raw emotion fills his lungs,
screaming the stories of lost lovers
and tragic lives.
Talking along with the beat,
the guitar playing to the pitch of his voice.
I listen while his heart pours out
over
and
over.
And the best thing,
the emotion can never leave.

"Now you're lost
Lost in the heat of it all
Girl you know you're lost
Lost in the thrill of it all
Miami, Amsterdam
Tokyo, Spain, lost
Los Angeles, India
Lost on a train, lost"

Love isn't real,
and I'm not trying to
be poetic
and compare it to
the "love" I
supposedly felt for
you.
Love is made up,
an idea.
There is no
fully
loving someone.
I am saying this
to remind myself.
Love is not real.
It's not poetic.
It's not sad.
It's not real.
You must understand
to love,
right?
You must know
to love,
right?
Understanding
and
knowing someone
fully
is not possible.
Love is not real.
Just a reminder.

I cannot stop thinking about
your body next to mine,
molding the thought of you into
my side.
Your breaths insync with mine; your heart beating with mine.
My thoughts retracing the nights
when your body was mine.