Being hated for no apparent reason. (Which happens quite often I must add.)

Not reaching my goals in life.

Giving up.

People getting the wrong impression of me.

Never finding love.

Meeting my ***** donor,
or not meeting him.

Smoking until my lungs are dry.

Drinking until I die.

Guy never loving me.

Never seeing Rach again.

Hiding behind a mask for the rest of my life.

Loving the wrong person.

Never loving at all.

Rejection.

Public speaking.

Razors & open wounds.

Any death but my own.

At the ATL concert Monday night I got to thinking. Every little thing at a concert that happens, the wait, the actual concert, and the memories, they save people, make them happy. I remember the wait for Warped, that’s when my depression was really bad and I was planning to **** myself, knowing that I was going to be there, in that crowd made me want to keep living. After the Sleeping with Sirens concert, I didn’t cut months after that concert. And the complete feeling of euphoria of actually being there in front of the people who were there for you when no one else was. It makes you think, “oh I actually am happy, it isn’t the pills,” or “wow, maybe there is another way I can actually make myself feel better besides cut.” Just knowing how much you mean to the members, you can just tell in their voices how much they care; how comfortable they are with you, how serious they can get, how they carry on each and every single song. Concerts, bands save lives, so if you say they don’t, you have no idea what it feels like to have nothing to live for except music. Music has saved my life, and I have no way to repay those that have made the music, played the shows, and cared for me. There is no way I can repay them for them giving me my life back. Thank you to all of the bands that have done so, thank you.

What is behind the stars in the dark night sky?
Please don't tell me nothing,
because nothing is something.

Oh, and what is deep beneath the ocean which we cannot see?
Are there mermaids or
maybe whole another universe?

Now tell me,
is happiness truly real or is it something spoken in fairytales?

I have an open mind.
I have a sense of magic that children have in themselves.

Just please tell me:
what happens when I die?

I am told that I should love my body,
and I should not be ashamed.
BUT the white, conservative men tell me otherwise, making me feel nothing but shame.

When did it become okay for a male's education to be more important than a woman's rights?

When did it become okay to sexualize a woman just because her shirt does not cover her rear end?

This is apparent in the things my teachers have told me.
"Your shirt must be fingertip length when wearing yoga pants," she said.
"Why?"
"Because the males that sit in the class might be too destracted to listen to my lecture."

We are treated like *** toys.
Us girls are used for nothing more than a mans pleasure, so they imply.

This is MY body, and no one else's.
I may do what I please,
and no one should have a problem with it.

I refuse to be sexualized and treated like we are living in the 1920s.
But I must conform and live in fear of my consequences.

**** culture is real,
and school's are promoting it.

I don't have a father,
can I at least have a mother?

Don't hate someone just because they hate you.

2. ALWAYS be the bigger person.

3. Don't quickly judge someone.

4. You may lose people, but you will gain ones who are better.

5. Everything changes at one point.

6. Try to see opinions from both sides.

7. There are two sides to every story.

8. Some people aren't going to like you, and that's okay.

9. Speak up in class, no one is going to laugh at you.

10. Don't be shy around the person you like, they're just a person as you are.

11. No one is going to die because you failed that one test.

12. School isn't just about grades.

13. Taking one day off of school won't **** you.

14. If you put negitive thoughts out in the universe, chances are, fate won't be on your side.

15. Don't push yourself to the point of a panic attack.

16. You will always love the person you fell in love with, and you need to learn to cope.

17. Just because you're posting about them, it doesn't mean they will message you.

18. Wear a dress to school, who cares if people judge you.

19. Look on the bright side of things in every situation.

20. Always be youself, and don't change for anyone.

stop crying.
dont eat.
forget about it.
stop ******* crying.
you dont need food.
hes never going to like you.
stop crying.
she hates you.
stop crying
stop thinking about food.
dont bathe.
stop crying.
dont get up.
no school work.
he's better than you.
stop crying.
she takes pity on you.

stop.
crying.

I was worried it would come back.
--the self hatred I mean.

Deep down I knew it would.

I don't know if it's a bad week,
or I'm going into that hole again.

I purged my soul out,
and I felt happy.

I had a dream I cut to my vein,
and I woke up content.

Now,
someone might get worried reading this,
don't.

It might just have been a horrible week,
but I guess we will soon find out.

What's worse?
Falling for someone you can never have,
or falling for someone who you could have had?

one day i will be able
to listen to
our
song without hearing
you
in every word.

I KNOW YOU'LL NEVER LOVE ME AGAIN AND MAYBE THAT'S HOW IT'S MEANT TO BE BUT I CANT HELP STAYING UP ALL NIGHT THINKING TO MYSELF "SHE'S THINKING OF ME."

could you ever love me the same way you did
those few years ago?

If I still feel like this tomorrow:













**** me.

He's beautiful,
but he's not mine to touch.

He was in my dreams again,
some place I never wished him to be.

I woke up in a cold sweat,
tears in my eyes.

I've never met him,
but I'm terrified.

It's almost been a year since the last time I starved myself,
and I think it's time to cut back on the food again.

I miss those late nights
where we would cuddle all night.
And I mostly just miss you,
**** I miss you.
I'm sad
and you're happy with another.

i can't catch my breath

I feel the same way today











**** me.

I look for you in
every song.

Freshman year was
a time of change.
New school,
new faces,
new obsticles,
new feelings.

Freshman year was
6th hour math,
where I met you.

Freshman year was
a meeting,
a greeting,
a new start.

Sophomore year was
full of new feelings,
a new perspective.

Sophomore year was
a broken heart,
a disppointment.

Sophomore year was
experimentation,
a new feeling of love.

Sophomore year was
warm in your arms,
a safe haven with you.

Junior year is
scary,
a complete change.

Junior year is
mistakes made,
and loss of a loved one.

Junior year is
learning,
and forgiveness.

Junior year is
unsafe without you,
and a death sentence.

Senior year will be
terrifying,
choices that have to he made.

Senior year will be
breaking away from you,
taking the next step in our lives.



Our years together have and always will be
the best years
of my life.

I've started to not care about school.
Copying homework left and right.
Cheating on tests
every
****
time.

And I can't bring myself to care.

I USE TO WAKE UP WITH BLOODSTAINED SHEETS AND A SMILE ON MY FACE BECAUSE I REMEMBER THINKING "YOU DID WELL" BUT I GUESS I'VE REALIZED THERE'S MORE I SHOULD BE PROUD OF THAN SELF DESTRUCTION.

The thoughts are clawing at the insides of my thighs,
waiting on that sweet release.
My wrist tries to whisper sweet nothings,
again, waiting for a release.
My head,
it's tangled with images that want to be real.
My nose yearns for that metal smell.
That smell that lingers from the sweat of my fingers
to the silver blade.
My ears wanting to hear the shredding of skin.
And the red,
the red blood that flows in my veins,
from underneath my meaningless skin.
I think,
maybe the ****** cuts that could dance upon my skin,
make the metallic smell linger in the air,
having my guts spilling out,
would be worth it.
But I think again,
and it's not.

Now that I'm happy
the silence doesn't bring twisted thoughts
and
pencil sharpeners are used for things other than just the blade
and
the pills are nothing more than a friend
and
food is for eating                               h
and now,                                     g
now there's beauty.            i
There's beauty up     h
and down     l
                              o
                                       w.
those bad times were for just a moment,
but now there's a lifetime of happiness.

He left his heart in my chest,
and that is the only thing I have left.

and you make me feel so vulnerable.

he gave me a look that set
a fire in my heart.
he turned the lights off,
and my heart raced faster.
closer
and
closer he scooted,
but did nothing.
why didnt he kiss me?

I did what they wanted.

Should've killed myself when I had the chance.

And then I realized,
you don't even care about me anymore.

"The way you talk about him,
it's like you're in love with him."

I can now see
that you've forgotten about me.

Generations from now,
I will be a pile of bones,
a name that use to be,
a mind that use to think,
a mouth that use to speak.
I will be a story that people will think was a personality.
I will be a poet that no one speaks of,
a song that no one sings,
a picture that will burn.

I will be nothing but bones and a memory.

I understand it,
you hate me.
But,
must you be so ******* immature about it?

I've dreamed of you every night
since then.

I get depressed
just thinking
about you.

I just wanna **** his ****.

How did I
ever love
you?

Just for 72 hours
I want you gone.

I want to not feel my
legs,
and I don't want to feel my
heavy heart.

For just three
*******
days I want you gone.

I want you to be
dead to me.

The constant jealousy game
is getting old.

Me hanging out with people
you don't like me to
hang out with,
(especially boys).

You talking to
boys I do not
approve of,
and telling me about
every detail.

I'm sick of
all of this.

I'm asking,
just 72 hours,
I want you
*gone.

And what if you did love me?
What would you think about those random texts
where I simply say, I love you?
Or when I hug you for a few minutes?
Or when I say I would date you?

It's funny because I always say,
"I'm just playing around"
or
"I don't love you like that."

Do you ever know that I'm kidding when I say those things?

Maybe you know there's truth to my words,
and you just don't say anything.

What if you did love me though?
What if your words meant exactly what I say?

What if you loved me?

I've lost the dark,
which destroyed my creativity.

I hope to god
when you look at the red bruise
on your arm
you think of me.

When I almost downed that bottle of pills,
I didn't stop and think that in the future I would have someone as great as you.