I wonder if behind closed doors,
You shed tears.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You curse out loud, give voice to your fears.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You think of all of the things you haven't done yet.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You ask Him if this is a safe bet.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You dream of the day you'll be free.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You just try to stay calm and breathe.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You're afraid of falling asleep.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You know what you want others to keep.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
There are people you want to forgive.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You wonder how long you're going to live.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You loathe what you can't control.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
No matter how many blankets you pile on, will you still feel cold?
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You remember your first kiss.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You understand you'll always be missed.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You struggle with regular tasks.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
Your face no longer resembles an emotionless mask.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You let your emotions show.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You think about the time you'll have to go.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You're satisfied with your life.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
Is there anything you'd be willing to sacrifice?
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You stare a yourself in the full length mirror.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You wonder when answers will become clearer.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You think of your loved ones.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You reminisce on hunting and guns.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
Your parents talk to you.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You just want to start anew.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You stay optimistic.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You let it all go and become ballistic.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You're tired of taking all the pills.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You feel death's constant chill.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You read like you always have.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
This all makes you ****** mad.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You fall to your knees and pray.
I know that behind closed doors,
We're all happy you're here today.
When you go, open my closed doors,
And please watch over me.
Because when I'm behind a closed door,
I'll be waiting for you to comfort me.
This was written in April of 2011. My grandpa was sick with lung cancer, and my mom spent a lot of time down at his house taking care of him and taking him to appointments. He lived two hours away, so my mom basically lived there while he was sick. I would occasionally come and stay with them to keep them company.
My grandpa was a no-nonsense man. He was straightforward and generally unemotional from what I'd seen. He was so giving and handy, and he though I couldn't always tell he was so loving too.
My mom, her brother, my grandpa and I went to a check-up meeting at Kaiser and the doctor basically gave us more bad news. They affirmed that the cancer had spread, and my grandpa's chances of beating the cancer were slim. He didn't react much from what I remembered, and I thought to myself, "He can't always be so calm. He has to feel something. He has to be different behind closed doors." This thought created the idea for my poem.
He died about a month later, and I read this at his memorial. It was the hardest public speaking incident I have ever done to date, and the most rewarding.