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River Mar 2018
When, on days like this
It takes everything in me to stay
To remain,
With my feet planted on this decaying ground,
That's collapsing under me
I lift my heavy head toward a cloudy sky
and cry out silently: Why?

And on days like these
I know I will find a way in no way
To get out of here
Out of this stagnation and this fear
One day, I know
I will be out in a field
Where the air is so crisp,
And I will feel it against my singing lips,
Singing sweet songs of praise
For once again my sorry soul God will have raised.

On days like this the bleakness feels inescapable,
I wonder if I am in any degree capable
To rid myself of my hindrances
and set forward on the path that God has set before me
I can't lie to you
and tell you I am naturally brave,
for I am shaking at my knees,
So scared I am indeed
But I can't keep my feet planted in this deteriorating ground much longer,
For the dirt of this town breaks through my shoes and eats at my calloused soles
I need to find a way to stop the bleeding.  

Jesus showed me how to give up everything
for the will of our Father
It's so daunting to be called to this,
but something deep within me
tells me I must follow.

So what will I give up,
What will I sacrifice
to follow the call God has on my life?
My answer: everything.
"I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do." --Georgia O'Keeffe
River Mar 2018
This is always how it goes
I'm smiling
Up for hours
Thinking of you
I'm in love
But I'll deny it
You see the spark in my eyes
Caused by the flame in my heart
Glowing ever so brightly for you
It's like I'm turned up-side down,
On my head
Looking at the world all wrong
And it doesn't make sense
But this love that defies logic still grows strong
It's like a river cutting through rock
With time and persistence
The rock is everything that everyone says is impossible
But love, replenishing and fluid like water
With great currents
Leaves the Impossible on it's knees
Love, my love
Is like a clock,
Spinning
Or a circle
Swirling into itself
My emotions will be sorted eventually
I can't make sense of my feelings logically
I think I love you,
But I'll just have to wait and see.
River Mar 2018
I see a ray of sunlight
Breaking through the clouds
I feel the rain pour down on
The desert grounds
I feel my heart open wide
And a toothy smile emerge on my face
I spin in endless circles
And in my heart there is no pain, not a trace
I am young again,
I am free
I can truly and forever be
I feel the breeze
I feel the water
Of the creek,
It's current grows stronger and stronger
God whispers through the trees
God yells through the forest
God bellows in the mountaintops
You're Healed
You're Whole
You're mine,
Forever child
I'm in your heart
And we are entwined
And I feel fine
I feel sweet
I feel utterly and holy complete
I know God loves me,
Yes, he truly does
He loves me more than anyone can
I fly on wings made up of His love
I am infinite
I am free
I am everything I need to be
I am loved
I am whole
I am a child of God
I am free, can't you see
I'm free I'm free I'm free
From all the trauma that has conditioned me
For LOVE is to strong you see,
To be defeated by calamity
Love is the medicine that restores,
Tranforms,
Heals
Metamorphosizing into a butterfly
Don't give up while you're in your caterpillar stage
Listen to me:
Don't give up
Don't give up
DON'T GIVE UP
We need you
Our world needs you
You will have your wings oneday
And have the ability
To transcend all of your suffering
While you help others with what you learned on your journey
God is with you,
In your heart
And God loves you.
River Feb 2018
I walk the splintered sidewalks,
The smell of sewage permeates the air
People stare straight ahead with faces like hawks
So many people, but it still feels like nobody cares

I feel the heartbeat of the street below me
I feel it as I lose my equilibrium
Trains rumble beneath my feet
Everything is buzzing around me as I experience delirium

A tear wells up in my eye
For the city will perplex and overwhelm
I seek a place to run and hide
To try to get control of my inner-helm

This city must have a heart somewhere,
Because I can feel it beating
Sometimes I think behind every face that seems not to care
Is a broken heart that is bleeding.
River Feb 2018
I watch the hands of the clock slowly tick
As the light in the sky slowly dims
In the night the air turns brisk
Anxieties arise within and make me sick.

I get to thinking about time
How in a way it keeps me confined
I think, what a concept
And I hate restraints, to be honest.

See the mind is a funny place
Especially when it starts to race
In loops it plays my worst fears
It brings me to screaming and tears.

For with time the inevitable takes place
You leave this world without a trace
But I believe we go somewhere
All the way up there.

It's so easy to be consumed by anxiety
When it's all about me
But when I focus on community
I start to feel a sense of inner unity.

So let time pass
And let the lessons life teaches me last
In every moment I will live fully in the now
And I'll make it through this life wholehearted, somehow.
River Feb 2018
Fear is a funny fantasy
Tearing at the very seams of reality
In dreams my fears are played out
Cycled over and over
Imbued in symbols
Yet in the day
I see in bold technicolor
The sky is not just clear and blue
It's neon blue and the clouds are creamy and sparse
And the sky is the reason for my happy celebration
But when the sky turns grey
And storm clouds descend
The sky doesn't merely herald a storm
But it heralds the remembrance of my deep sadness
And as much as I hate to
I'm forced to sit with my pain
As the sky opens up and it rains
But when the storm is over
And the sky shuts it's eyes
Grey clouds soften and roll away
And in a yellow sky
A faint rainbow
Orbs around my sorry town
Subconcious fear fades
As peace invades
As the beauty of nature
Steals words from my lips
And shuts down my overthinking brain
And finally, once again
I can feel the beauty in the pain.
River Feb 2018
Blowing bubbles through the straw
Of my chocolate milk
The bubbles are growing
bigger Bigger BIGGER
Spilling over now
From the rim
My parents are saying to stop it now
Stop it now
But I'm hypnotized now
Laughing through my nose
Bubbles bubbles bubbles!
Spilling over onto the checkered diner table
And the waitress just past by
While rolling her eyes
And my parents said "sorry sorry"
And they try to pull the straw from my mouth
But I bite their fingers and now my bubbles are mixed with blood
Streaming down the table
Onto the floor
A river of chocolate milk with some blood
Is formed
I go for a dive
And never resurface
Because in my imagination
I forget everything that is hurting.
I wrote this from the perspective of a child.
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