Tears streak my face
I hold out my hand,
Searching for a hand to grab
I wipe tears from my eyes,
Imagine blood on my wrists
What is this disaster that has latched onto me?
My mind is in disarray,
My heart is a loveless mourner
My feet anxiously await my destiny as a sojourner
I grabbed a bat
And beat the mattress
Screamed into a pillow,
All they see is a happy girl,
But they can't see what I've been through,
What I've seen,
I can't erase these dark notions,
Tearing me a part like a monsoon.

Words,
I write these words,
I try to find meaning,
My place among the thorns
My eyes are filled with sadness
Lonliness is my heart's only song
I'll forever be a miser,
Forced to tread this world alone.

I see you're hanging by a thread
You are tired, pespired
Nearly expired
But my desire
Has failed to wane
I stand here by this window pane
Willing to be patient
Like I have,
For other loves before you
Because love is patient,
And so much more
Hold me in your arms,
Tell me what I want to hear
Take me far far away from here.

I hold on to
A fantasy
It is dancing in the wind,
Getting far away from me.

This day I wait for will never come
I wished for it
Upon the seeds of a dandelion
Whisked away by the wind
Is it a sin to cling
To ideations?
I drive myself insane
Filling these inane days with
Infatuations clogging my brain
I remind myself
To open my eyes to reality
That is rife with strife and triviality
But I eventually drift back into the perpetual dream
For living is painful,
And all too real
When I no longer bare to feel,
I shut my mind,
Eyes wide open,
Where the fantasy is once again
Revealed.

I see pouting lips,
******* and hips
Wrapped ******* clad,
Skin tight

I see muscles and chiseled lines
Lust in their eyes
I see vanity in nearly every face
And I think it is a disgrace

For when I look instead
At a face so pure
Like the one of Mother Teresa,
Or MLK
I wonder,
What has happened to the valiant hearted today?
And why have they all gone away?
Where is their voice among all of this vanity?
I can't see them through all of this triviality.

You are ******* alive,
Look into my eyes,
Brother
Open your mouth to scream
I see blood on your knees
Get up from that ground, boy
You have a life to live,
And it's all yours
Why do you blame everything on fate?
In this life, there is never a "too late"
Oneday, you will awake
And just like me,
You will see
All the time you wasted on the mediocrity,
All that time wasted on fitting in
But brother,
Trust me
The worst thing you can do is give in

You are ******* alive,
Breathe that polluted air through your nostrils
Cling to decaying ways
Pick love up in your arms in the morning
And feel all the pain of this world
Everything is dead or dying
But here you are, right now
Upon this barren earth,
Crying
Sighing as if it were your last breathe
But must I remind you,
That you are alive?
Look out at the sunrise
Feel your beating pulse
Dance in endless wildflowers
Rid yourself of all that is false.

They say to love
you must first love yourself
for without that you
have no foundation to build.

Which is to say my love is sacrilegious
for the hollow within me
has always remained hollow
but I have not stopped loving.

I have loved the misty rivers
on the cool mornings before the sun.
I have loved the turning of pages
and things laying upon them.

And for what is worth I loved her
even if it was only for a moment,
even if it was a mistake,
don’t you dare call it phantom.

My love is a blanket even if
I have not yet learned
how to fold myself in it
It is still real.

I still bathe it in the river
I still call it mine even though
I do not consume its fruits,
its flesh is not plastic.

One day I may fill what is mine to fill,
but til then I will not stop
with what you call “unholy loving”
because it is all I know how to do.