Feel empty in your post apocalyptic City of Angels,
Where not even your pets are real!
An electric android, a sheep or a frog,
The whir-flutter of micro-electrical wings of a butterfly.

Good, and so you ought.

Now grab the handles of your empathy box,
And in a shared virtual hallucination –
Feel: empathy, depression, pain, delusion and despair,
The outré myriad gifts of consciousness.

Billions of discombobulated and disconnected wrecks:
Adam's sons; Eve's daughters,
And among them simulations too,
Fakes! androids!
A phony circuit of implanted semi-conscious memories,
A hive of neural malaise!
Welcome to our world;
know how dead inside I am.

You, yes, you:

Need a pet to make you more complete?
Maybe you can afford
A Fake Fakir Flake like me who looks like Jude Law,
Sounds like Richard Burton,
And silently romances you like Rudolph Valentino.
Come and stick what’s left of your mind,
In here,
In hair,
Hear her:
har, har, har…

A box of lies...

A voice, Mercer's,
With texture from an age you neither lived in nor dared in:
Al Jerry's, a TV actor,
Droning on in pre-selected tones.

The real thing, the men, the women, the children - their animals -
Made in the wild, wild desert,
In the green pulsing savannah,
On the open crusted sea;
Now too, washed, choked, and drained,
Too many spliced and diced mutations,
Iterating your image:
The thing that was my heart,
My Child, now its imitation.

The gays in Hackensack
Have their own club
It's called the gay pill traders club
off main
on mercer
just south of the tracks

above the check cashing place on main
Where the drunks go
to cash their welfare checks

People there trade and sell
all kinds of drugs
upstairs
and on the tracks

There's a fat cop
who pops in from time to time
looking for drugs

Always with a *** of cash
Been coming there for years
Never can find any drugs

It's dangerous
Being on your own

My fair Guinevere
The very name Guinevere sends me through time and space to another world with a thrill in my heart


Like no other well there was a time when I was six I think I will stop by there on my way back to reality
Back then a coloring book and eight crayons could fix big hurts like the time my uncle slammed the car

Door on my fingers as we started into a tavern I guess at first it was unbelief although a six year old has
A great imagination but seeing the door completely closed and my fingers in there something really

Wild and then the crushing excrutating pain my uncle whirled around and saw what happened now
I wasn’t being mercenary well first I didn’t know what that word meant must have something to do with

Machinery but I did know I was going to gain because my uncle was a crane operator I did know he
Didn’t operate on cranes like the one the Cranes potato chip bag but here goes larceny I think that’s

Like black licorice it gets all over kids faces in adults it just gets all over them it depends on how much
You pay they say crime doesn’t pay well larceny does but after you do it you have to run real fast or

Something well back at the car outwardly it was all I could do to hold on sloopy but inside don’t judge
Me but I was singing a ditty it went like this my uncle has got money and he feels almost as bad as I

Do look out world I see a coloring book a coming that was just an aside to make a point about hurts
I was about to run head on into one you ever had a hurt to last over forty plus year’s bee stings wont

Do it scraped knees heal but lose your heart at six and you’re a goner what did Rick say in Casablanca
Of all the juke joints in the world why did she have to come in this one why was she born one street over

When I was six and she was eighteen black hair the whitest skin Oh god you must got distracted you just
Kept adding more pretty did you know pretty can hurt I think most can I know Geri does she suffered

Through a beautiful summer she says the three of us didn’t even know her at the pool more important
My best friend Jerry that she had a crush on didn’t know her either I know her now and we are deeply

Connected by that summer and her heart of pain she knows what I Speak of when I make mention of
My fair Guinevere is she a legend in the court of King Arthur if you could see in my heart I wrote a piece

About music it says the Wolfman’s got your ears Johnny Mercer brings tears all through the years
Touché my knight angel that’s what I call her I will tell you why in minute did she make the flowers

Grow no but when she walked that’s where she walked in my heart paths lined with gardenias over
Head was my beloved Magnolia she wore garland to me it said I love you this was the lie I told

Because I knew it could never be and then in my world fate stepped in with a pain that made fingers
In a car door feel no more than a love tap I guess it was puppy love maybe so but I know I was one

Love sick hound I wiped a single tear from my face with the finger I type with so just one more is added
To the endless stream that started when through her bedroom talking to her friends I heard her say

She was getting married can a six year old love, kneel over me as she did my crying brought her outside
To my side this time her voice of cooing wouldn’t send me home to dream beautiful dreams of her

I wish dad was drunk maybe hell razing would have disturbed the pain somewhat yes I got up from
The tear stained spot at that instant it became sacred and for ever more she became truly my fair

Guinevere as with sir Lancelot the triangle of love was created that knight but the fallen wasn’t a knight
Who fell among thorny roses of romantic pain no just a child that rode a romantic stallion before

He should have I guess I’m still on his back we ride many a night I call to her through the dark
But only one visit could my night angel give I will ride on God promises love beyond and no one will

Have a heart of deadest stone window window my fleshly heart you destroyed so on my way home
Through the darkness in her yard I picked up this stone it works fine it is her memorial it is always with
Me if you want to know her name it s in the song Abilene

Why I wrote this as I said in the other piece Keats said beauty never fades into nothingness and he said
It has quality and even curative powers to lessen pain for others she is in pain with life changes this
Was written to relieve her of her burden and pay on the debt I owe her when she left the laughter of
Friends And knelt by a love sick child thats all I can do and I do it often maybe through this we can return
Just briefly to our sweet summer time of long ago

My art
is the way
I re-establish
the bonds that unite me
to the universe. -A.M.

Before she fell
They were
Hated
She, for her sudden rise
And he
in turn
for his shaggy, loping omnipotence
The sure-footed authority
marked by silver squares heading nowhere.

She was the little Visionary
and he, the Blue Chip
So very messy
The Tall and The Small

If you were sitting at the bar
Somewhere around Mercer Street
And those two came in
“Ugh”
Went off inside all the heads
in their line of sight
A palpable mental groan
As they hung up their coats
And waved at various tables
Making their way like penguins through
recalcitrant faces
eyes focused on a glass of beer.

Again, it will all end badly, we thought
Nursing our drinks.
Tonight

Piling out of the last bar
brawling on slick cobblestones
under the yellowish streetlights
of Prince or West Broadway
Arguing about nothing and everything
“I will out run you Old Man!”
You could hear it bouncing off the sidewalk like reverb
Whispering around corners
“You will be surpassed!”

Birdgirl, I too look to eternity,
he states full of drink and exasperation.
I step and step again. I am walking there.
I am not a bird and you will see that I need no wings.

“You will be surpassed!”

Blood and more blood
A face planted with busted lips
Flattened
Your body crushed into the earth
Over and over
Having fallen
Waiting for burial, entombed in flora
Welcomed
Reclaimed
To be disappeared
But not just yet.

What had you unleashed Mija?
What did you already know?

I’ve got a devil inside of me! SHE GOT LOVE!
I’ve got a devil inside of me! SHE GOT LOVE!

In editorial spreads
we saw flared American jeans in Rome
You said that they understood you there
And in Cuba too
We understood you very well right here,
you know.
It’s not so hard.

The doorman said he heard someone cry out
And then a soft thud a moment later
From the deli’s rooftop next door
Crusted guano
Broken, forlorn and misguided leaves
Cigarette stubs with pinkish ends
A stray tabloid cover page and that
peppery NYC grit in your eye and nose and under your fingernails all reclaim you to a concrete womb
Welcome back!

“ICARUS DOWN” read The Post

How easily we lost our envy
after those 34 floors
Earthbound
Strait shot

It was all foretold in the telling
Now folded into a history of sorts
That of an earthy primordial Fertility cut short by a ruddy man
rather than a thousand  compulsive chalklines drawn around a singular and knowing corpse
There are ramifications for deals
made in feathers, b lood
puddles and mudlood
A recipe for the
reunion of force fields
Folding you back within its arms
Where you belong
What an excellent day for an exorcism.

I’ve got a devil inside of me! SHE GOT LOVE!

4/13/2017

spring sprung like a coil
forcing itself, tugging on the city's dress
and the flowers, rabid

the mixed old cement steps
of the apartment building where i sit
tinny song in the air saying

oh, i'm just a kid
oh, i'm no longer a kid
dead on arrival, letting myself go

the city's mine now
well, at least any point below 4th street
and city hall

i am no longer suffering
i am simply waiting
the argument could be made:

what's the
difference?
that, i don't know.

Green Tea. Peppermint. Herbal Lemon Zinger.
Deep Roast. Vanilla Hazelnut.
Milk. Sugar. Honey. Half and half.

These choices don’t matter much to me. I get them all for free.
I yank out a packet of deep dark roast coffee and slide it into the slot of a machine
which I believe makes hot drinks.
To be honest I don’t know for sure.
I put a tiny plastic bucket into a chrome and black kitchen appliance and click brew.
It brews. I believe.

In 8 seconds I have a small, steaming cup of black coffee.
I double take, wince, and select another miniature bucket.
Green Tea.
Just in case.

In a New York winter, coffee is power and tea is life.
I feel like some Egyptian deity, carrying my mugs of styrofoam down Bleeker Street.
“Behold Manhattanites, I bring ambrosia unto you.”

My hands are already beginning to shake.

I take the long route to the corner of Mercer and West 4th
knowing that extra 60 meters equates to 30 extra seconds
and about 9 extra deep breaths.

I approach the small chestnut colored woolen boulder very slowly
and walk past it one pace at a time.
I stop.
I check my Facebook.

I take one small step in reverse and then another.
It feels like all of this city is looking at me.
Anxiety without explanation. Something new and old all at once,
like a first kiss. Or a funeral.

I bend, then kneel, then crouch, feeling like an altar boy all over again.
I pat the boulder and it shifts, stirs, and splits apart.
Creamy brown eyes with a hint of yellow
ask me why I’m here.

“Hey man, I--I brought you some tea.
Or coffee, if you want.”

No.

I start to laugh and shake and sweat all at once.
He’s staring at my watch, my shirt, my polished shoes.

I don’t want that.
“Are you sure? I’ll just leave it here…”

My deep dark roast coffee is rejected,
and just like that, the boulder is closed,
Part of the same city I live in, but very far away.

I carry my cups down sidewalks and streets,
not wanting to throw away something which had a purpose once,
like a father’s necklace,
or an expired credit card.

I retreat indoors, confused and covered in some new flavor
of guilt.
I throw my coffee away but keep the tea.
I sip it as I sit down and it tastes much better
than it should.

I stare South out the window,
where I know that boulder still sits on top of a an old milk crate and cold concrete.
I think of my mother, my clothes and my kitchen.

I think of how two people can speak the same language that neither of them understand.

I think of that man inside the boulder,
and how a person might look at him or I and say
“He earned it.”
With completely different faces.

I wonder if Hazelnut Vanilla would have worked better.

It wasn’t chance or accident that Walt found you it was destiny his genius needed a perfect
Form of expression and you were the one that met and exceeded all the requirements your
Favorite song to sing as a child was the hit Jonny Mercer song accentuate the positive little did
You know that you would not only sing it but be asked to live it and you did this as a true marvel
With grace and charm you said the Mickey Mouse club was a slightly better version that what
America really was then you went on to say that America even is gone forever but in the
Encroaching darkness you carried the fragile lamp of purity and modesty it was the harking
Back to innocence so precious and held in such reverence the rock songs were about young
Love holding hands in the silver moonlight carried along on a river of dreams infatuation it
Showed in that special time of being a teenager not a child but not an adult it was the ultimate
Carefree high that didn’t mean you were ****** you were just grooving hot rods and babes
That Knocked your socks off you wondered around in a stupor all you could think was how
Could anyone be so fabulous maybe they made those clothes out of magic cloth and thread
Sweaters white blouses poodle skirts or not bobby socks and black patent leather shoes sock
Hops Friday afternoon in this reality freedom was the it word fast cars girls were cool may I say
Winsome and not be booed all you wanted was to be with them get to know them they were
Exciting they were worthwhile and they sent you tripping cherry cokes was the drink no one
Ever made a fool out of themselves that came natural when you would stick your foot in your
Mouth trying to be cool and that even played out in a sweet way no one looked better than
When they flubbed it trying to impress someone you did get favorable points back then and
Annette ruled as a queen in many minds and even today she’s gone but her light continues to
Shine down through the years it is carried in the most beautiful laughter and character started
On Disney’s lot but wowed far beyond after the mouse ears were laid down it came with a rush
On California beaches youth was right where it needed to be in the forefront because it only
Last For a seemingly brief summer and though it floats back in time again you’re only on that
Beam of Light and fully on and with it for magical moments we close our eyes in quiet respect
For a time and a special one who was and is unforgettable

Do you remember the apple cider?
Your house was always cold, every-
thing was always apples. I never
did get the matching triforce tattoo
with you and that is okay because I
don't like tattoos anyway. You didn't
ruin the Legend of Zelda for me, I
just said that. Remember to drink water.
Remember that everyone you ever meet
is responsible for their own feelings and
their own problems. Remember that lots
of things provide temporary fixes but
never solace.  

How about those frogs? Never a silent moment
until I yelled out your window and you lamented
over the amphibious life you stole with the lawn
mower. (I noted that I had caught frogs at my
grandfather's funeral).

Here's to your earliest memory. Standing in a hamper looking out
the window until your mom picked you up. Was there a bucket
involved? Here's to your scars, your split finger, right next to your pinky the red
on your cheeks, the rough texture of your triceps. That other chris in
kindergarten, Mercer? Did he steal your first love? Haven't smelled
your stomach for a year but I am pretty sure it still smells like
leather. Your hair, soft in the middle, rough around the edges.

Will I ever have enough documentation?

You taught me that tap water doesn't **** and that
all you have to do to make anything perfect is add
an egg or two.

Deep breath
Deep breath
Deep breath
Deep breath
Deep Breath

Hello, and welcome, to Critical Role
With the nerdiest voice actors in tow
Is everyone ready? Let's start the show
Sit back and watch as the rush takes it's toll

It's the nerdy show Matthew Mercer leads
With the best voice actors in tow it seems
At different tables but not different teams
Sit back and watch as the dark dice do deeds

Music
Busted by the groove the Wolf man’s got your ears Johnny Mercer brings tears throughout the years
Kissed by the lonely lullaby it embodies the empty spaces draws from shadows and evokes gentle sighs
Hear the pleading moving soul of one tortured by a memory through the instrument and voice it bleeds
In the cold world a tune decidedly changes moods brings unquestionable comfort a safe harbor it buys

Trade the dull the common for the images set to pace they spill they emerge they dance freeing to all
Torn air in this space the wayfarer the drifter slips on the invisible current anytime or hour its glorious sunset
The inner called it listens with formable grace it blends all to magnificence and lives in highest taste
The source abridged by your convenience it can say more or less your interpretation decides its state

Fix the volume find a tucked away place the room fills with all manner of trips and promises of returns
Listen to that horn blown out of the delta or those sacred streets of the greatest cool bourbon Street
A little Sacmo what a wonderful world and don’t forget to honor and extol the other horn Lena Horn
Slides and rifts they were and are the greatest gifts every one given a stage all leaves lasting wonder

The crescendo reached then the fall what imagination stirred to the maxim highs and depths what awes
Take stir my heart give it all you’ve got don’t give it back in a few make it last only return it when it’s full
Hard as stones soft as Eddie money you get a thrill they show you the road it used to cost a juke box dime
I hear one in the dorm grooving to the Cat all space filled as the waves sweetly moved by a quiet storm