things that hurt
you drive to his house feeling like you are driving to your death. you make a decision not to cry, and then make a decision to cry like hell. you sit in your car for a long time. you pull one card from your tarot deck.
it says zen garden.
you say, **** that and walk to his door.
he hugs you and you can tell that he knows. his kiss feels small and guarded.
walk the dog, make painful small talk, try to avoid the ocean of unsaid things drowning us both
i should say something but instead i put my tongue in his mouth like it's never been there before
or like it never will be again
my fire hands touch every centimeter of his skinny body
fierce, quiet ***.
he plays a song and says, this is sad and i don't know why
i say, read this please and i put my hand on his foot and watch my own tears fall slowly and land on his toes
he reads
i probe his face for the answers to the questions i never asked
seconds seconds seconds.
he flops on his back and opens his mouth wordlessly
i say, Adam
he says, Kia
i burrow on top of him and try to say i love you but it mostly sounds like hurt
he says, everything you wrote just makes me love you more
and all i can do is cry
his eyes say everything and nothing
this girl, Adam, i dream about her
she needs you
she is better for you than i am
a piece of me is with someone else
there is nothing you could have done differently
you are incredible,
i love you
i love you
i love you.
he says, i wish i was strong enough to hold you.
Adam, i say, Adam.
you are strong
how are you so strong?
it's a survival tactic, he said
i'm having a moral crisis because i'm doing this on your birthday
and he says,
birthdays don't mean ****.
i can't imagine another woman, his eyes his eyes his eyes
i try to pull my heart out of the blackhole it has fallen into
and say, she's lucky
that's when he starts crying
and i feel as though pain does indeed exist.
and then he says, i'll miss you so ******* much
and i can't take it.
there comes a point where we are quiet again, almost calm
slipping into the familiarity of laying together on his bed
he starts laughing
what? what's so funny?
he laughs from the soul
he says, its just that this is the weirdest breakup ever
and i have to agree
he puts his hands down my pants and says morosely, i guess this is my last chance
i start crying
he says i didn't mean to make you cry
i say nothing but i grab him
and this time the *** is loud and desperate
that was the best ever, he says
indisputably, i say
and cry again but it's in the shower so he might not notice
i decide to spend the night with this person as i have countless other nights
but suddenly it's not that person and things are different
i wear a shirt and when he cups his hand on my breast i ache
let's sleep on this.
we wake up and i call work and tell them i'm not coming because of a death in the family
it's not a lie
we wake up and forget for a second what happened
then his face changes and he says, Kia
i cry
he says,
don't.
he says, silly Libra, you are scared of your own choices and i'll miss you
he says, do you want a backrub?
i cry for the millionth time and say, yes
i say, what does it feel like
he says, like i'm losing something i never had
i watch him eat breakfast
i put on my socks
i watch him take all of my books off of his shelf
i put on my shoes
i watch his pull out his guitar and sing a broken hearted song written for another girl, turned into a song for me
he adds new words at the end,
i fell in love with a gypsy girl.
i put on my coat.
he says, maybe i want a guitar tuner for my birthday.
i say, Adam
and kiss him.
i say, this is the hardest thing i have ever done
it is out of love
you deserve the best
he says, what do i deserve?
i say, the best
he pulls me in tight and says,
you are the best
i say, i am not the best for you.
he says, i don't believe you but i have to respect you
you are the most powerful woman i have ever met
and every step, every choice i make from here on out is changed.
i say, i will be there if you need me
he says, Kia, i will never grow up unless i learn to not need you
i say, i love you
and walk to the door.
he closes it on me as he says a simple, bye
i wail.
this is long, and it's okay if you don't read it.