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Clay Face Mar 2019
Jesus Christ.
I blame it on my personality
ENTP
funny, but romantically inept in using it
Smart, but overbearing
Curious, but boundless in exploration
All of these are virtues I have but cannot manipulate.
It haunts me. I hate myself.

Reality
Hurts
Introspection invites pain
Introspection invites healing

I am a gutless fool.
I wallow in excuses.
“I never have the opportunity to talk to her”
Make them.
“I’m not good enough for her”
She stares at you in class.

I love that feeling.
Whenever our eyes meet.
My heart drops. And so does my stomach.
It feels like the floor beneath me.
For that split second. Falls away. It scares me.
Inviting us both into our own world of benevolence.
A flash I wish could be eternity.
Then our gazes dash away just as quickly as they collided.
“Did she notice?”
“Did he notice?”

We “flirted” a lot in 7th grade.
Then we’re separated by schedule.

Didn’t matter.
My pea sized mind...
It couldn’t fathom or even comprehend love.
I didn’t know what I wanted.
I hope you still might want me.

English assignment: write a soliloquy about a personal decision.
I write one about my in complacence and unsureness of sharing my opinion.
You write one about dying your hair blue.
Through your short work you’re funny and shy.

Oh my ******* god. I adore you to death.

At the end you show a stick figure drawing of you next to a college with blue hair.
Labeled: me in college with blue hair.
******* goofy.
I absolutely love it.

If you had blue hair I wouldn’t care.
You’d still be jaw dropping.
Though it would match your eyes.
You have the most gorgeous blue eyes in the entire world.
I literally could get lost in them forever.
They’re so...
Deep.
Deep like I try to make my poems.
cough
cough

Anyway.

Anything I create though could not be as exquisite.
An ecstasy one could die from.

I feel so creepy reflecting on your looks without you knowing. Like I’m stalking you in my mind?

I haven’t flirted since that math class we shared.
I’m afraid I’m rusty. Dilapidated.
I would say something that would push you away.

Or.

I tap your shoulder.
Be hypnotized by your eyes and stand there.
Mute.

Oh...

And the sweat.
My palms would be moister than an oyster.
I’d be beet red.
My voice would quiver.
And boom. It’s awkward for both of us.

Awkward can be nice. Just.
At appropriate times.

I’m so weak.
I have no map to a reservoir of strength.
I have no courage to confront you.
I desperately want it.
I need assistance in acquiring it.

Funny.
I’m a curious guy.
Always looking for adventure in books etc.
But I’m haunted by adventuring toward you.
I see a treacherous path that with one mistake.
I die.

If I make no mistakes.
I win a prize I see myself as undeserving of.

So excuses I make.
And withering inside I drool over you.

We both never talk to the other ***.
I want to talk to you.
And I think you might want to talk to me.
But I block our mingling through fear I cannot control even if it might benefit us both.

I need help.
I’m afraid of getting help.
Then I’d try something and mess up.

Oh my god. Help me.
Thanks if you read it. I’ve never felt this way about someone for so long. I do not know how to approach this. It’s so uncomfortable to me.
On THIS day,
Without regret,
Without fear,
Paying my debt,
To the universe or destiny,
Whichever saw fit,
To have me like your comment,
As I sat to ****, (Lol. Not really, but needed rhyme bahahaha;)

I give thanks,
To whatever it be,
That allowed me to view,
And actually see,
Your most beautiful soul,
Built from the stars,
Outlasting relationships
And materialistic cars.

I am not a poet.
These words are not mine;
But left upon my being
Across all space and time.
To send out to you,
To confirm you know well,
There is only the heavens,
There is no fiery hell.

Only the one ****** upon us,
On this rock we now stand,
Fashioned by ignorance,
Of a far lesser man.
Whom can't see your beauty,
Your sparkle, your shine.
Whom fate has put in the distance
Kissing his own behind.

You'll stretch now.
You'll glow.
You'll see what I see.
You'll fashion your future
With support and "yippie's" from me.
Dr Suess, another ENTP,
Will be quite jealous
Of our friendship, and me.

He'll yell "What is THIS; That I see?
As The Cat in the Hat goes flat splat
Wondering of you and me.
"How CAN this BEEEEEE??!?!??
That from 100 INFJs,
He chose only YOU
To build a friendship
And build you less blue?"

We will not answer,
But leave it to the stars,
To light our paths,
Raising our bars;
To not accept,
Less than we deserve,
To remind each other of that,
When life throws us curves.

I'll be your shoulder,
From this day own,
To love you as you'll allow,
While your off the ****.
I'll be your support,
If only as friend,
That is my promise
Until the very end.

Until the stars burn out, with a kiss, goodnight.
For Jamie Nicole

— The End —