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Mateuš Conrad  Aug 2018
schlang
Mateuš Conrad Aug 2018
****!

mit ein(e)
gernierung

of... ******!

MACDONALDS
for the protestants
MCDONALDS
for the catholics...

and **** the rest of it
whoop di do d'ah
whoopsie!
   **** it...  

i always called the IRA
the ginger ninja brigade...
******* *****!
ha ha!

is that even permitted?
like...
oopsies?!
   oh ****..
the steam-roller is
giving it a shot at reading
the earth,..
flat...
   map on paper?
**** me... no app....
            
******... you ever navigate a car
through the German Rhine roundabout?
what's in it?
Dortmund.. Essen...
             you know that constipated
part of the road map of Europe...

               ever navigate that trippy
conundrum ******* of navigation?
beside me...

              can't speak german,
won't navigate in german,
no matter how many
Mercedes-Benz they pump out
from the Henry Ford institute of
the reclining chair,
supposing
   die krupps to be squidgy clean...
i think the european translation
reads:
die Dortmund Ringe...
das Rhine Ringe...
**** allocating yourself to a rally car...
   navigate through that sort
of German *******...
          achtung achtung...
autobahn ende!
               vorwärtskreis
might as well salute for a second
coming of... hítlear!
    shaking Stevens?
  huh?!
               knee on the no contra
the know: bother...
the english won't know...
isn't that nay?
   i listen to too much lawyer
jargon...
             i'd love to listen to
poetry...
but... i figured...
   lawyers play the slight of
the sly of hand that poets
exasperate into toying with words
to accomplish art...
lawyers? the impasse of
judgement?
  **** me!
                  apparently the argument
goes:
down syndrome...
psychopaths...
'ere by god's grace...
   much grace, my lord...
             too much grace...
        
two salvation pointers:
(a) i won't drink with them...
(b) i won't eat with them,
(c) there is no "c" that isn't
a "d" that isn't an "e"
        "f", etc!
you get a zebra...
you get a null bonus!
a ******* safari of an automated
anti hamster Boston outfit!
a m a n d a  Feb 2014
whoopsie.
a m a n d a Feb 2014
marketplace this!
n.y.
state.
of.
health.
(just sayin')
mel  Jul 2018
perpetual-punches
mel Jul 2018
these perpetual punches
that life seems to throw
during our darkest
of moments
are much-needed
stepping stones
of pain for reaching
the highest peaks of You
and i promise that when
the storm of falling is over
the growth will create your
most favorite story line
of whoopsie-daisies
YOU BLOOMED
which smell a lot like
the scent of BRAND NEW
& when you drink in the view
i hope you fall as deeply in love
with the punches it threw
as you do with what grew

our souls came to bruise
in galaxies, too

Andrew Rueter  Mar 2021
Gay Stan
Andrew Rueter Mar 2021
Parody of Eminem's classic "Stan". TW: Graphic ****** content*

The tea's not cold I'm wondering why I
got in your bed at all
my ***** brain clouds up my sense though
and I can't breed at all
and even if I could it'll all be gay
put your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's all I have
it's all I have.

The tea's not cold I'm wondering why I
got in your bed at all
my ***** brain clouds up my sense though
and I can't breed at all
and even if I could it'll all be gay
put your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's all I have
it's all I have.

Dear Jim, I wrote you but you still ain't callin'
I left my cell, my Grindr, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two messages back in autumn, you must not a got 'em
there's probably a problem when I post often or somethin'
sometimes I wear dresses and get too sloppy when I'm joggin'
but anyways, **** me, up my ****, I'm a power otter
I'll probably get pregnant too, I'm 'bout to be a daddy
if I have a daddy, guess what I'm a call him?
I'm a name him Ronnie
I read about your Uncle Bonnie too I'm sorry
I had a friend **** himself over some ***** who didn't want him
I know you probably hear this every day
but I'm the biggest man
I even got a bigger **** than Dan
I got a room full of your posters and pictures man
I like the **** you did with Rawkus too, his **** was fat
anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me from the back
then we'll chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
another man.

The tea's not cold I'm wondering why I
got in your bed at all
my ***** brain clouds up my sense though
and I can't breed at all
and even if I could it'll all be gay
put your picture on my Facebook wall
it reminds me that it's all I have
it's all I have.

Dear Jim, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad, I just think it's ****** up you don't answer my demands
if you didn't want to talk to me outside your **** you didn't have to
but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew
that's my little brother man, he's only sixteen years old
we waited in the blistering cold for you
for four hours and you just said "no"
that's pretty ****** man, you'd like ******' his guy hole
he wants to **** just like you man, he likes you more than I do
I ain't mad though, I just don't like bein' lied to
remember when we met on Grindr, you said if I'd write you you'd write back
see I'm just like you I'm gay
I ****** a swallower named Caesar
then a guy named Tom and a guy named Peter
I can relate to how you're playing in a thong
so when I have a ****** day I drift away and put 'em on
'cause I don't got **** else so that **** helps when I'm depressed
I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest
sometimes I even **** myself to see how much it bleeds
it's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me
see everything you say is real, and I respect you 'cause you tell it
my boyfriend's jealous because I talk about you 24/7
but he doesn't know you like I know you Jim, no one does
he don't know what it was like for people like us growin' up, you gotta call me man
I'll be the biggest man you'll ever lose
sincerely yours, Stan
P.S. we should be together too.

The tea's not cold I'm wondering why I
got in your bed at all
my ***** brain clouds up my sense though
and I can't breed at all
and even if I could it'll all be gay
put your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's all I have
it's all I have.

Dear Mister "I'm too good to call or write my mans"
this will be the last package I ever put in your ***
it's been six humps and still no *****, I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two pictures and I put my dresses on perfect
so this is my *** I'm sending you, I hope you spear it
I'm in the bar right now, I'm doing 90 guys to be gay
hey Jim, I drank a fifth of Bob's ***
you dare me to ride?
You know the song by Macklemore, "Same Love"?
About that guy who could've had *** with that other guy but didn't
then Macklemore saw it all and then had to show he found him?
That's kind of how this is, you could've rescued me from other guys
now it's too late, I'm on a thousand poppers now, I'm *****
and all I wanted was a lousy letter then your *****
I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off my Facebook wall
I love you Jim, we coulda been together, think about it
you ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
and when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you cream about it
I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't breed without me
see Jim, shut up *****! I'm tryin' to talk!
Hey Jim, that's my boyfriend screamin' when I ****
but I didn't use his throat, I just tied him up, see I ain't like you
'cause if he suffocates he'll *** more and then he'll ride too
well, gotta go, it's almost in my **** now
oh ****, I forgot, how am I supposed to **** this **** out?

The tea's not cold I'm wondering why I
got in your bed at all
my ***** brain clouds up my sense though
and I can't breed at all
and even if I could it'll all be gay
put your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's all I have
it's all I have.

Dear Stan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been blue
you said you're pregnant now, how far along are you?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daddy that
and here's a **** pic for your brother
I made sure to show my mushroom cap
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the ****, I must've missed you
don't think I did that **** intentionally just to diss you
but what's this **** you said about you like to **** ***** too?
I say that **** just clownin' dog, come on, how ****** up is you?
You got some issues Stan, I think you need some **** rings
to help your **** from bouncing off the walls when you get in some
and what's this **** about us meant to be together?
That type of **** will make me not want us to meet each other
I really think you and your little brother need each other
or maybe you just need to treat him better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doin' just fine
if you relax a little, I'd be glad to be inside you but Stan
why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as my man
I just don't want you to do some crazy ****
I seen this one **** on the news a couple weeks ago that hardened my ****
some dude was ****** over and over like a *****
even his boyfriend was ******, and he was pregnant with his kid
and in their car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
come to think about it, his name was, it was you
whoopsie daisy!
Parody of Stan by Eminem. Couldn't stop thinking of him saying he was leaving a bread crumb trail of gayness in his music in the movie The Interview. That mixed with the amount of stanning in the homosexual community inspired me to reimagine this song.
jeffrey robin  Apr 2013
Once more
jeffrey robin Apr 2013
It's late

We
Have
"Spoken"
--
--
--
The elevated trains
.
The winos and movie stars
-
-
The sun and the rain
.
Tra la la
Tra la lay
Whoopsie DOO
What a wonderful DAY
_
We
Have spoken
---
Can you
Will you tell
Me
Your Name
..
I'm sure you know
Which one i mean
--
The boy and the girl
Out by the corral
Still talk in riddles
Still talk of dreams
--
We hide in the bowels
Of the Money Machine

Grovel and bow
Baseless slaves
-
It's late

We
Have
"Spoken"
--
--
--
Winos and movie stars

Riding home

The elevated trains
ymmiJ  Feb 2020
Whoopsie Daisy
ymmiJ Feb 2020
toying with microbes
crazy science strikes again
don't play with matches
fires being started daily
by little children playing
Caroline Shank May 2022
The rhythm is whoopsie daisee. The
moment of the first bounce sets the
pattern of the wave.  It's like talking
to him when the rain poured on the
window. Up and down I tried to see
his face thru my tears.

It's like failing first grade and your
mother slaps you so your head goes
up and down and the wet drops on
your face are not enough to help
with the rocking motion.  It's later
on in your life that the attempt to
have *** on the water bed reminds
you of the day Aunt Ceil was there
and never a thought about why
my mother felt her world cracked
at my failure to please her. Their
conversation in French made me
dizzy.

I walked to the edge of the bed and
there were no dragons.  The waves
of the waterbed tried to hold me.
My back cracked and I rolled over
to try again to get up.  But you can't
have *** on a waterbed, in the
light of a single candle, The Eagles
playing in the other room.

I sank for love but love threw me
away.  My dried body simply was
no brace to the ****** of your moist
intentions.

The radio played on later in the
night.  Sleep drained me
and the announcer
played Claire du Lune…..
Through my sadness and my
loss I lie on the
bed waiting for you to come
back with the
****** Mary's.


But that was long ago and you
and the struggles in the night,
of the songs and the waves

are

gone.
.

Caroline Shank
5.20 2022
Mateuš Conrad Jun 2018
evil comes to the conclusion
that:
           if it's not a res cogitans...
then there's
a res vanus...
         that's in need of being
filled!

             only recently my
algorithm reach for encompassing
a touch-with-a-"history"
has been blockaded...

      i find it harder and harder...
to view a video,
beyond the 2016 and the 2017
arena...

     A.I. is what gave us, man,
in an S. I. environment
                (synthetic intelligence)...
something that composites
a continuum,
     rather a stable posit to work
from...

        the easiest route of
miscarrying, exploitation;

   what? existentialism wasn't about
the hyper-exploitation
of punctuation marks?!

      dumb dumb d' dumb
  drum roll...           expectation.

god looks at the use of language,
per se,
   not at language, used,
with a per se, and a subsequent
usage of,
             without a per se!
                            becauase, how on earth...
am i to make a humanist
statement...
                 by "over"-complicating
the said, use,
                       of using language?

can poetry even become a mediator?!
membrane!
                    well, **** me!
hands tied behind my back scenario?!
            tiananmen sq. "whoopsie"?

death by a riddle...
  or death by pachelbel?
    ****'s left to right right to left
when using the basic hand-"gesture"
of expressing a papyrus
          "tattoo" of a handwriting?

eek-onk?!
yes... becauase there are no
pigs in the desert...
  which i buzzfeed use
to offset a lack of salt...
       ******* copper,
brazen with melt choc. "aura",
sultry quacks of a melody
requiring a choir
             of transgender *******!

can't exactly look at a sunset
having "acquired"
the current socio-pathos
conformity narrative...
it's like watching
a really bad hopak aversion
to a take on performing
ballet...

    oh... so bad for the toes of
ballerinas...
    what about the cossack knees?!

never mind the handerchief...
what about chaos theory,
butterfly, hurricane...
                 and the sneeze?!

surely the world cannot be
unfathomable,
yet fathomable...
   within the confines of
a metaphor...
              a non-"literal"
      ascription of: losing count
of the number of given examples...

A.I.?
  what? the argument to express
putting a ****** on
a circumcised phallus?!
   i don't mind...
but owning a phallus not
circumcised...
   stop basing your intellect
on me jerking off...
      S. I.: synthetic intelligence...

       ha ha...

  putting a ****** on a circumcised
phallus...
          
              i like that...

  no wonder the ones with
circumcised *****...
  do not know how to express
pleasure from a ****, jit-jitty-jittery
one-off with jamaica in mind...

to always require a woman?
must be painful...

             learning from my
grandfather... and the *****
of a mouth that constitutes my grandmother?

            go through that one
with me, one more time...

                 so...

                no *******?
       and you wear a ******?
      and it's not latex in being wholly
****** clad in it?

                          guess only the ones
with an intact ******* can
play the part of an audience...
and even, remotely, enjoy
the dutch spectacle of watching
***** without a Cain-induced
grievance...

                             harsh though...
circumcising...
    and even remotely,
      implying a second tier of an impetus
to miscarry
the original:
     well... i hope i'll receive
an epitaph "marred" by an inscription
set to stone....

          any argument from
the non-circumcised party of women
wondering about my final
statement on the relief that
comes with: no. 1, no. 2... and no. 3?
f.g.m.
   is probably the only "answer"...
you'll ever, get.
Mateuš Conrad Oct 2020
there's absolutely no need to write
these days -
perhaps if i were much much
younger and idealistic -
what love... what oh what woe...
could have could be (etc.) -

today i found myself in love
with england for: however many
a time...
the rolling hills cliche -
but i was alone: yet i was legion...
i was no anglo-saxon
with an army...

i strolled the countryside and
for this moment of certainty:
i was truly allowed to
hold firmness of aloofness -

beside the rabbit i crouched
beside two meters away...
a wild thing i was almost eager
to pick it up:
was the rabbit blind?

it's beyond questionably unfathomable...
well... there was that fox
that decided to come to soup kitchen
in my back garden
for nearing two months:
at a time when i desired
a dog... because: cats don't really
eat leftovers... fussy eaters...
no gluttonous slobs among,
         them...

my new earned pleasure:
to walk is better than to talk...
yet even i found myself talking
to the wind:

verbatim:
imagine! bewildering that such places
still exist!
even if for an hour...
later i found out that this was
historical ground i was treading...
related to henry VIII and edward
the confessor -
teasing passing through
a village havering-atte-bower...

i didn't see a human face for hours
and hours... i did see birds-of-prey,
i saw i noted...
i didn't bring a pen and paper...
i was so entangled...
i was so freely there...
i was so... freely there...
unlike where i am now:
"here" attached to an extension
of thinking...

come to think of it... i was so pristinely alone
that if i were asked anything
outside the realm
of casual formality: if i were to be implored
to bid good day or a hello...
i'd straighten out a *******
banana and call it: the staff of moses
if i had to deal with this bogus societal-
never on a street am i ever
asked for a hello...

why do people find it necessary
to bid these ****** hello impromptus
when facing the base for all dreams...
i never liked talking during
***... i never like disturbing
the language of the fields and the teasing
moors and the chimes of branches
with anything that isn't jokingly
spontaneous:

like today: imagine... such places do
exist... where one can truly spend a worth
of an hour or so alone...
with the birds of prey flying
above... with horses grazing...
with a rabbit: i presumed blind...

it's most decidedly unnecessary for me
to write this: but i can't allow
a good glug of kosher malt to waste...
if i'm drinking i'll have to find myself
writing...
such that i need to restress a fondness
for this equipment:
a pair of feet...
no need to run... if i can catch up
with noon and make it home
come sunset...

i will most certainly not prescribe myself
to live under the cooking instructions
of a chicken sold by a supermarket...
1h40... 1 hour and forty minutes?
to cook a large chicken?
like all women are the best cooks
and the chicken ******* need
to be dry as a brittle (trans-grammarism)...

i wasn't listening...
shove enough thyme / garlic infused butter
under the skin and give it a maximum
of 55 minutes...
mismatching my rooster albert bartlett
tatties... i was hoping for a synchronised
swan lake esque event concerning
the oven enterprise...
bad luck moi...

     a thermometer is so key... to eating
a pleasure roast of chicken...
i'll understand pasta undercooked...
teasing al dente: but over-cook it...
and serve up mush of melting glue:
kept together by a "miracle"...
same with chicken...
oh god... over-cooking or undercooking
meat is... i will dare to say...
never mind... 165°F for chicken meat...
i can't eat chewing gum made from
chaw-chaw-chaw barbarous chew...
welcome back to civilisation:
lost wanderer...
              
i honestly don't think i needed to write
this: that i didn't...
but i did... i hope i can be excused
with "keeping my **** together"...
i'm not a fan of drinking in front of
the mirror...
or putting my hand in a hot bucket
of water...
why does drinking supposedly
encourage commerady...
why is drinking supposed to be this:
social event...
drinking alone is bad...
walking alone is doubly bad...
well **** yeah! let's have us
a *******-wanking of a marathon!
a drinking **** to boot!

drinking alone is all that is "leftover"...
if it weren't for the add chance
of utilising a plumber...
once in a blue moon scenario:
since the previous generations
invested so much in the plumbing...
it's not a question would i be better of...
i'd be: off of now...
in this currency conundrum of...
impersonal justifications...
a hybrid anonymous butcher...
or some... variation and "other"...

give me the sky! the wind! the fields!
and the time necessary to not encounter
some ******* baseline pedestrian
who... upon venturing upon holy ground...
public footpath nonetheless...
seeing all this nature has to...
pass me by with an invitation for
a hello hallow how'do'you'do...
         weird:
if i walked down the street and
all that pleasing concrete was in the way...
would i get the same "invitation"...
then why, bother, my, silence...
when i'm standing on grass... looking
at trees?!

unfamiliar territory i am sure...
i don't need assurances of teasing poker...
get on your ******* bus and leave us
to its...
it's hardly an "english" thing...
is just happens to be a human bollocking
working up to a crescendo that's only
now apparent: who dou 'illed with
'reats again'st the theat're?

         the rabbit! the rabbit! the rabbit!
was the rabbit blind?
i didn't sneak up on it...
hello words: congest my mind allow
the voyeurs in...
i won't be here long...
                 that space between
the ears and the eyes... i suppose the eyes...
like candy-outgrowths...
bulging i pretended to blink
they were still intact...
a camouflage... this close to a wild
"thing" you'd find me expressing
details of moth wings...

that there's a an M25... that there's an A406...
and there's the great...
walk-along to ******* alone
work-around for feet primo...
i think it's called a circular...
like a hand of an hour
i imagine walking around greater london
7 times...
it really is a bogus project...
but it's a mad enough
beginning to allow myself to dream...

like in those old movies...
oceans, eleven?
the 'ctor roost and... the professional
boxers... treated as mere cameos on
screen...
so... here's my cameo...
i have yet to find such a footed
riddle as i have...
no ******* from noak hill will tread
these parts...
i'm sure of it as i am sure:
it's not that i'm a lover of nature...
there's no david attenborough
voyeurism involved to produce
a semblance naturalist...

words architecture,
words architecture...
word... ugh... architecture...
      words grammar architecture...
it's not that it's ugly...
it's just so well-arrived-at...
it's pristine... unshakeable...
words, grammar... architecture...

i want to walk...
to hell with running a marathon
while mr. c.c.t.v. is jerking off
a commitment of transmission...

acorns and oak-fill... lost for words...
chestnuts! chestnuts!
all that is evolved monkey
and devolves back into a bear...
sounds mad enough to 'ave some...
i just like to imagine...
digressing with winter nonexistent...
this parody of insomnia:
whether via work
or via...

one alcoholic vs. one hundred
workaholics...
vs. one thousand bureaucrats...
vs. 4th industrial revolution
staples in the millions...
cost effective "work"... and "effective":
a work not as: the best
that can be done...
but as a public service loitering...
ahem... sorry... "provision"...
have people forgot that
there exist a version
of humanity that somehow
has to be appeased...
that people can perhaps relapse
into their trained-monkey phase
and treat a supermarket
cashier as he or she were
a heart-surgeon...
or are we all so *******
desperate as to: settle our grievances
on mediocre pyramidal schematics .
tiers invoked... blah blah...
whoopsie: it snows.

grandiosity herr engels: i gather....
but for all that toughening of limbs
and of making concrete assurances:
to borrow bones to somehow delve
into carving marble...

how to turn a gorilla into a weakling
man pursuit...
brain hijacked by a mushroom...
and retell squirm with
a man-beefed-up-bear-in-tow...

it's not merely... impossible...
this of the fewest least...
it's this rugged tease of
     an avalanche...
a stampede...
when in fact... it was merely
a wriggling of a centipede.

demiurge ave!
   demiurge ave!
  as one probably does...
walking past a curation of budding ***...
she's teasing 15...
and she gives off quiverings in
the air...
she's so teen...
so prone to angry...
  all that she is... is a scent of bubblegum...
she's too young to become
complicated with ***...
and *** has become one of those:
metaphors... drawing water from
a stone...

i'm too tired of wanting what isn't readily
available...
in the availability of a harem...
i'm too tired to want
what i must, most necessarily
never have...
then again... again: i will heave
not having above what i could
perhaps want to heave: rather than have...
all those pornoflicks from
******: should i be irritated by
******* tailor-me-pretty...
a kit-kat of fingers usually does
the "job"...

         yes... my heave: my harth...
my liquid lunge...
my  best and therefore by least...
forest of a crown.

— The End —