I am getting older

and my body is in tatters

My Doctor's say, "You're fine, You're fit"

I think they're mad as hatters

Each day a new pain rears it's head

My body falls apart

My Doctor's say, "You're fine, You're fit"

As they listen to my heart

My bladder's my new stop watch

Each night I rise to ***

I get up once at half past ten

And then just after three

I'm cold and then I'm sweating

Sometimes both in  one breath

It makes me feel I'm crazy

It's a slow, nervewracking death

My knees ache every morning

And my hips pop as I walk

I have to work my jawbones

Just so I can start to talk

I've had surgeries on my body

Just to help me stay alive

I can't see where I am going

I'm can no longer go and drive

But, my Doctors say I'm healthy

They say I'm healthy as a horse

But isn't "Flicka" served in restaurants?

His flesh is now a new main course

I use a cane when I go walking

I have a seat to go upstairs

I wear a wig when I'm in public

I seem to dress myself in layers

I need a pill to wake myself up

I need another so I sleep

But because my bladder's my new stopwatch

I never go to sleep too deep

Today I'm going to get tested

To check the hearing in one ear

Please excuse me for a moment

What was that you said my dear?

Now my Doctor's keep insisting

That there's nothing wrong with me

Like I said, I think I'm crazy

They're the nuts and I'm the tree.

they've got me tricked out special

I've got orthotics and a cane

My bursititis hurts like crazy

And I think it's gonna rain

My oxygen tank is empty

And my voiding bag is not

But I'm still having those flashes

I still feel cold and hot

With the bag I sleep much better

I don't get up twice to ***

But it wasn't fun last birthday

Having a colostomy

But, my Doctor's say Don't Worry

Your'e as fit as fit can be

But I tell them it's distressing

For I'm not yet thirty three

I'm sick of always hurting

Each day more vigor do I lose

But today I am excited

I'm getting velcro for my shoes

I think some exercise might help me

With all my aches and all my pains

It may help me to feel younger

Feel like thirty two again

But my Doctors, Oh my Doctors

Say there's nothing wrong at all

It's just a natural part of aging

It's mother nature come to call

But I know, I 'm getting older

and it's just a part of life

I'm just glad I have a drug plan

To help me with this strife

Now, my O2 tank is full now

And I've got a buzzing in my head

That means my battery is running low

So...Goodnight...I'm off to bed...

For years upon years
I've searched for the words to express the turmoil in my mind

For every fervently spat out, "What is wrong with you ?!"
And every horribly drawn out night spent sobbing til exhaustion.

How do you explain to the person who's believed in you more than anyone else in your life, that this sadness is never-ending.

That this deep unshakable weariness feels like lead coating every inch of my body.

That it feels like every horrible thing my tounge has ever stuttered.

Like every involuntary twitch of hand and every nervewracking lurch of nausea.

Like unsteady heartbeats and cold sweat.

It's lonliness, doubt and self-loathing.
Because no matter the love.
No matter the light.

The sadness is engraved deep in my soul.