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I'm coming down my high again
I've lost my soul
I've lost a friend 
Unhinged
I lie and I pretend
That it's my choice to let it in
Infatuation
Euphoric floe 
Imagination
I let life go
This must be heaven
No one must know
This moment is my private show
I am an addict
I'm what remains
Slave to my Savior 
In crystal chains
I know that later I'll feel the shame
Of a never ending cycle
Of a life that stays the same
My body burned
- a fire I'd never known.
The pools in my eyes
commanded me to swim,
my heart wished to lay down
beside him,
but instead I just drove.

Headlines that read
Missing Man From Mt Martha
circulated for days.

She told me he'd often spoke of running away,
and her love for him clung fiercely to the fairytale
in vain.
Perhaps we should have known better,
but the tales fooled us.
Prince Charming will save the maiden
but who is going to save him?

The floors caught me
as I collapsed under
the weight of a phone call.

They found him
in romantic slumber
among the forest -
a tree and his throat
playing tug of war
with a length of rope.
It's hard to say
who really won.

The chaple was too small
to cradle all who loved him.
Red work shirts lined the doorway
like poppies.
Friends wore top hats
embellished with ribbons
and sunflowers.
Sisters consoled their grief
in suits and coloured bow ties.
An old music teacher played a violin,
so haunting and beautiful.

I've never known grief.
Memories of his smile
and hazy nights in his car
have seen my every sunrise since.
I see him in strangers
and passers by on the street
and my heart stops
in these fleeting moments
of illusion.
Resuscitated by reality,
they're gone as quickly
as they came.

I often think I should visit his grave,
place a flower on his tombstone
or just have a conversation.
I regret that only after he'd died
I realised
we might have understood each other
better than we knew.
i question if i know what love really is
this is because i doubt that i've felt it yet.
i know i love my family and my friends
but that is a different kind of love.
that is a love that keeps you safe
and will always be there.
it is familiar and wraps you
like a hug after a long journey.


but love?
i've always imagined it to be scary.
i imagine love to fill you up
til you think you'll explode.
i imagine it to make you question
everything you've ever thought before.
but i also imagine it to make you feel like nothing can break you
and that if something does break you,
you have someone there to hold you
that will never leave.
but it's not like your family,
this love is like one that will always require work
and will always demand honesty and attention and care.
i don't think love is like in books
with butterflies and roses
and kisses in the rain to sustain you.

i can't imagine love to be anything but faith,
believing that against all odds
you're meant to be together.
knowing that through all the screaming
and fighting and arguing
over little mistakes and misunderstandings
that you know the other person
better than they know themselves.

it's growing with someone,
changing and adapting
and still wanting to be there tomorrow.
it's insurance that someone will be there
to keep you on your toes every **** day,
making you question everything you think
and pushing you to be who you want to
while respecting who you are.
and that isn't an easy task
as we're all complicated human beings
with intricacies and roots that delve and twist
deeper than anyone can comprehend.

so i don't know if i'll ever know what love is
but that's what i imagine it to be
and i have to say
i'm terrified of it.

*––s.m.
not that i'm qualified at all...

— The End —