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 Dec 2014 Sam Haidan
T. S. Eliot
Twelve o’clock.
Along the reaches of the street
Held in a lunar synthesis,
Whispering lunar incantations
Dissolve the floors of memory
And all its clear relations,
Its divisions and precisions,
Every street lamp that I pass
Beats like a fatalistic drum,
And through the spaces of the dark
Midnight shakes the memory
As a madman shakes a dead geranium.

Half-past one,
The street lamp sputtered,
The street lamp muttered,
The street lamp said, ‘Regard that woman
Who hesitates towards you in the light of the door
Which opens on her like a grin.
You see the border of her dress
Is torn and stained with sand,
And you see the corner of her eye
Twists like a crooked pin.’

The memory throws up high and dry
A crowd of twisted things;
A twisted branch upon the beach
Eaten smooth, and polished
As if the world gave up
The secret of its skeleton,
Stiff and white.
A broken spring in a factory yard,
Rust that clings to the form that the strength has left
Hard and curled and ready to snap.

Half-past two,
The street lamp said,
‘Remark the cat which flattens itself in the gutter,
Slips out its tongue
And devours a morsel of rancid butter.’
So the hand of a child, automatic,
Slipped out and pocketed a toy that was running along the quay.
I could see nothing behind that child’s eye.
I have seen eyes in the street
Trying to peer through lighted shutters,
And a crab one afternoon in a pool,
An old crab with barnacles on his back,
Gripped the end of a stick which I held him.

Half-past three,
The lamp sputtered,
The lamp muttered in the dark.

The lamp hummed:
‘Regard the moon,
La lune ne garde aucune rancune,
She winks a feeble eye,
She smiles into corners.
She smoothes the hair of the grass.
The moon has lost her memory.
A washed-out smallpox cracks her face,
Her hand twists a paper rose,
That smells of dust and old Cologne,
She is alone
With all the old nocturnal smells
That cross and cross across her brain.’
The reminiscence comes
Of sunless dry geraniums
And dust in crevices,
Smells of chestnuts in the streets,
And female smells in shuttered rooms,
And cigarettes in corridors
And cocktail smells in bars.’

The lamp said,
‘Four o’clock,
Here is the number on the door.
Memory!
You have the key,
The little lamp spreads a ring on the stair,
Mount.
The bed is open; the tooth-brush hangs on the wall,
Put your shoes at the door, sleep, prepare for life.’

The last twist of the knife.
Nights like this i'm surrounded
but the loneliness has never been worse.
their words mean nothing
it's all static in my head.
I zone out and i can't tell
what's real and what's fake anymore.
and when they laugh the humming
in my head gets louder
and my heart beats faster,
till all the lines are blurred.
they're all around me and i feel nothing
i sink and i sink so deep that the
surface is covered with marks
of me clawing myself out
only to fail so miserably that drowning
is something i do with ease.
night's like this i'm surrounded
but they don't mean **** to me.
even though i'm surrounded
I will always wander back to you.
There is a storm setting in and the current shifts from ceiling to ground
We run with scattered brains, with our mouths stitched shut, running without a sound. Fear lives in the hearts of men and fear isn’t the best company to keep. So I hold my shield grip my sword ready to face what hits me. Battles come and go some remain in history teaching generations to come the failures and the victories. Misery loves company but I rather weep and wallow on my own, darkness is my only friend and in the infinite silence we merge as one. I embrace the wicked deep inside of me, the soul is meant to be explored and non of us come with manuals or warning signs, so i dive into the abyss of my reality exhuming blood and bone, exploring realms unknown. We are black and white with tiny shades of grey but if we dig deeper we might find something else, something out of sight, out of mind. As dual beings we are made with sin and integrity but it matters not what we are constructed by what matters is our choices and who we choose to be. When our time runs out and the tide swallows us whole it matters not the vessel but the soul. We are children of day and children of night, we are duality darkness and light.
He saw me like an art enthusiast would see his favourite painting,
complex but mesmerising. He didn't see the darker strokes as insipid,
he looked at them as real, he loved the truth, as ****** up and nauseating as it can be. i lay next to him every night, covered in a pool of my insecurities gnawing at me, a constant reminder '' you will never be enough''. i loved him in the kind of way in which i loved to get high, he made me stop thinking, he made me numb to all my demons but eventually i come down and when i do i hate him. i hate the way he looks at me eager too see how i'll **** up next so he has something to write about. i need him, because he sees me naked in my flaws and he stays.   he needs me because he's an artist and i'm his ******* masterpiece.    
so i take a hit and another and another, lay there motionless with aching bones and scarred skin and he loves me, so i spiral out and he lets me, he keeps me going going going.....
 Dec 2014 Sam Haidan
Miki
Head
 Dec 2014 Sam Haidan
Miki
No matter how i delude myself
How many distractions
I cant get away

My mind is screaming terrible
Awful nasty things
And im locked inside

I used to not be this way
I was happy at one point
Now ill do anything
To stop it

If i give myself away
Its because your
gross sounds
Sound better than nothing at all

If i talk on a bad day
Its because im
Losing sense
And control

I need noise on the outside
To reasure my brain
That it wont fall apart
That maybe im still sane

And ill tell everyone im better
When in fact
Ive never been worse

I cant shake these voices
Its like im carrying
Some brutal curse
 Nov 2014 Sam Haidan
Victor
I felt punch drunk.
Then i hit the floor.
However, i was too numb.
To feel the pain.
To feel the sting.
So it never hurt,
but the scars remained.
You told me you were glad
I had taken a chance on you
You told you would love
To have me at your house
You told me to feel free
To stay as long as I wanted
You told me I could be your friend
Only if you could be mine
You told me you would be there
Whenever I needed someone to talk to
***** data roaming
You told me to shout really loudly
If I could not reach you another way
You told me I wasn't a fool but if I was
I was your kind of fool
You told me you couldn't believe I couldn't dance
Because we were the best dancing partners
You told me that if you brought the best in me
Then the best was pretty ****** amazing
You told me it was hard being us
Always so awesome
You told me you liked having me there
In the same bed as you
You told me the both of us
Made a pretty good team
You told me you did not intend on stopping
Talking to me, laughing with me
You told me you would teach me anything
How to cuddle and whatever I wanted
You told me you would take me to the beach
Because I had not yet been
You told me you would take me to do something fun
Whenever I would get some free time
You told me we made a great team…
… Unless we were playing Monopoly
You told me you would come and try the cheese nan
If I came and tried your fondue
You told me you liked staying up
Just so you could talk to me
You told me you were glad you took the ferry
To meet me a universe away
You told me we would make a perfect team
I could be the olive skinned French beauty, and you the eternal white Englishman
You told me I was too lovely
You told me you would come and get me
Even if you had to walk to get to me
You told me you wanted to go to Venice
And asked me if I wanted to join you.

You told me so many beautiful things and for that I am so grateful
You made me smile so many times
You made me happy every day
For a while
Then you forgot I was alive but I still have the memories of us
In my mind, next to the could have been drawer
Where all the things we could have done, could have been,
Lay still in silence.
You told me so many beautiful things and I
Believed them all.
You made me believe I could fall again.
You broke my heart but you made me believe,
And for the next one who will come along
I will open my heart wide open
Because you made me believe I could,
Maybe,
Love again.
But really, all I want is for you to make me fall again. Catch me this time. Hold my hand and kiss my jaw and never hurt me agai
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