There's a magical method,
In beckoning a smile.
Like when addressing a frightened,
And lonely, sweet child.

Cast away fear,
Make ourselves seem smaller.
Remove all the threats,
Show a little, they're taller.

In any situation,
Where joyous eyes become rare.
This mystical process,
Seems to come out of nowhere.

I don't recall being taught,
How to make such an address.
In lifting a heart,
While calming it's stress.

I don't know how to live,
A life at the poles,
Of my magnetically charged world,
Where things always push and they pull.

One would think I could figure,
Which way I should face.
So always I could be with,
Ones I love in embrace.

But for some odd reason,
My particles are oddly charged.
They push me from love,
And attract mostly harm.

If only one day,
I could super heat my own self.
Beat away this sorted chaos.
And rest forgotten on a shelf.

Once again, I must meditate.
For my life and soul,
My mind and heart,
Pondering my very own fate.

For if I can't set myself free
Self destruction, surely awaits me.

So like a swan, it's time to dive,
And find a key, to the pain locked inside.

Again, I must meditate,
For I know, what's really at stake.

Hey there Elephant,
You're type I surely know.

Didn't have a rough fairytale
Not like lucky Dumbo.

The chain held your foot tight,
And won't ever let you go.

No matter how I scream at you,
The chain broke so long ago.

So we'll both forever walk in circles,
Or quietly rock, to and fro.

Magic mirror on the wall...
Who's the fairest of them all?

SHOOOOOOVE

HOLD UP.  **** THAT.  MY TURN.

Mirror mirror on the wall,
Get your *** comfy,
For I've got questions,
And you'll answer them all.

When the **** did a heart become weak?
Why was it made fragile?
Why breaking it, is it something people seek?

When did hope, of the good deep within,
Become a joke,
To hide angers sin?

Why the ****, can't people agree?
First we need love,
To let hate finally be?

And when did we suddenly,
Become such self centered *****?
Everyone depressed,
Moaning about they're selfish heart clots?

When did we become,
5 second helpers.
Click, "I donated!"
"Back to my own ugly shelter!"

And mirror oh mirror,
I could go, oh so long.
But hide your *** now.
For truth is buried with a gun.

There's no path harder,
Than taking a wrong turn,
And walking,
Where you don't belong.

Every step is a labor,
Each sight is nightmarish,
And you scream,
Inside to turn around.

But them's is the breaks.
Behind is reflection,
Of a path,
Which you can never return.

So all that's left is hoping,
Through blurry eyed madness,
That light in you,
Won't cease to burn.

Here I still float,
In a void of space.
Cold and still watching,
From the same distant place.

I drift around aimless,
But guided by the pulls,
Of a wanting to be held,
In the gravity of loves flow.

I see them look up,
Sometimes upon me.
Often looking past,
It's the stars that they see.

Yet little do these wonders,
Of life down below,
Realize I see similar,
Sorts of twinkles and glows.

Occasionally I spot one,
A love I yearn for.
Such a gentle sweet kindness,
From them, freely pours.

Always steadfast,
Locked down in place.
Of a different cosmic object,
And not to mingle in my fate.

I know I can't crash,
Myself into their world.

So silently I'll drift...

In my slow solitary twirl...

My mind is a mountainside ocean,
Swirling with the currents of life.

Feeling the way of the currents.
With dreams of dancing,
Through fallen, shafts of light.

The world seems this very mountain,
And the lava, the people within.
Constantly sputtering their danger.
Brimming, to spill out their sin.

Long has this mountain been feeble.
And oozing of lava persists.
Yet with no where to go but dissipation,
On this hellish world, I stay, wind insists.

I'm tired of hearing their selfish whispers,
Only through them, will change ever occur.
So for now, hells water just sputters,
And through me, it's oozing always burns.

There is always a worst form struggle.
No matter, how great, is our own.
It's not that the worst is one permanent.
It's in a moment, when a worse is fully grown.

It's found, in the eb and flow of our solitude.
If our worst, reigns, supreme.
Solitary in room or in thought,
Do we ascend, to that horrific being.

Honor those horror filled instances,
With memories, never to be lost.
And in our hearts, forever lend grace,
When our turn, it currently, is not.

Why do people feel compelled,
When days go so dark,
To talk of the hard issues,
That dwell in their heart?

We all have a voice,
Who whispers inside,
Honest words it presents,
A voice we can't hide.

"Work through your troubles..."
"Let it all out..."
Yet no one else was ever there,
When you broke with a shout.

They don't know the details.
All of that moments, nuance.
Only you... and that voice...
Can answer troubles taunts.

Talk if you need too,
Discuss if it helps.

But me and my voice?

We'll talk a while...
To no one else...

Five years from now,
Oh hell, what a joke.
I barely recall,
My name.

Pleasant thoughts dance,
In the haunt of my head,
Misleading, and corrupting,
My brain.

Dream's of forever,
Washed away by a landslide,
Vast as time,
It slid it all away.

So tomorrow can *******,
Next year just the same.
Who the hell,
Misses the future, anyway?

So much pain
So much sadness
So much angers
So much madness

Really...  I'm just a nice guy...

I smile, lifting hardship
And meet sorrows with a sigh.

If your down,
Find in me,
Jokes with silly laughter,
With warm hugs to be found.

But lately I do rage,
Shedding goals of going Sage.
Ditching wisdom, ditching life
Burning my story, every page.

I feel anger, crushing bone
Taking joy out to be ******
Stomping the best of memories
Sharpening my teeth, so they're honed.

And I get it, And i know.
That this story isn't whole.
As you read this from afar,
I scream these words, from my soul.

Honest, I'm just a nice guy.

Just to myself I cannot sigh.

No jokes to be made.

As I'm the only listening slave

A slave, with a dimming light

That fills my eyes with hating life.


Just wanted to be a nice guy...

And today...

I'm just wondering why?

My demons, it's time to rest.
For you've had, one hell of a fest.

For sins, that I did not make.
My soul, you surely did break.

You've cost me so much I've held dear.
By stabbing my love with twisted spear.

And I'll pay for what you whispered in my ear...
Beyond death, such is my fear...

So demons, it's time to rest.
Although, I surely tried my best.
All my goodness, emptied from my chest.
And it's time... We finish this mess.


In hell, prepare for my vengeance.

Like my cries for help...

You'll get no acceptance.

Hey there boy,
What's you're name?
Don't mind me,
You'll be gone anyway.

It's a simple transaction,
Inside of my chest.
I don't understand it,
But it leaves me a wreck.

I've dived so deeply,
Into the pain that flairs.
Loss and no self worth,
Are all that really exist there.

A deep lack of trust,
In the goodness I deserve.
Evades my eveything,
At every twist and every turn.

I'm trying to figure out,
This oldest of old stress.
But I've run from much I want.
While I'm trying my best.

So I've reached on out,
To good old therapy.
Maybe someone else,
Can find, what I don't seem to see.

They say that the inner,
Child should never die.
Its a source,
Of wonder and joy.

They... also say,
To grow up and be a man.
Youth's not forever,
So say goodbye to the boy.

One brings me happiness,
One fills me with pain.
Wish they'd stop switching,
Like a gift from old Troy.

Your days, have been filled,
With hardships, too alone.
Your fear of being left,
Has worn you... To the bone.

You find yourself in moments,
Struggling just to breathe.
Not a simple breath of air,
But a breath, of thoughts reprieve.

And though you're well aware,
Of many struggling, next to vacant phone.
You're struggles not unique.
But you uniquely feel alone.

Close your eyes....

And please imagine this.
When you're feeling through the dark.
A soft touch within your chest
While I cradle your broken heart.

For from me, feel a breeze,
Loosen from my lips.
Softly, across your hearts ember,
Bringing warmth, back to your breast.

My breath, I give to you.
From my heart to your mind.
Through your soul, I do blow,
So a peace, you can divine.

Remember this is love,
From one creature to another.
Freely is it given,
To simply help you, recover.

I look out over,
The world and it's people.
And as I have grown,
There's a few things I wish I knew to be real.

Back when I was a teen,
In my early twenties,
I wish I really understood,
"Plenty of fish in the sea."

Back in the day,
I took this as perverse.
A twisted way of loving,
Something fake or rehearsed.

But as I've taken on age,
With a goal, to be somewhat a sage.

I now better feel,
The truth in that brief reveal.

Plenty of fish,
Doesn't mean you have your pick.
It's not that these fish are cheap stock,
For which you don't have to give a ****.

But that there are in fact,
At least a fish or two,
That may be just right,
May be ideal for you.

And before you mock,
This concept I believe,
Please stop and think,
About the things you too see.

You look around at others,
And see they found theirs.
They have people who love them,
They have people who care.

They're simply other fish,
Swimming in the same pond.
You to are a fish,
That someone's dreams are based on...

We fought,
Like beasts,
Not knowing how to speak.

It escalated,
Quickly,
That day.

Physical confrontation,
Little as I was,
I bit him,
With all of my might.

He shrieked in pain,
Rebounded with rage.
Against a brick wall,
My brother bashed my head.

Over and over,
Till I was limp.
By six years old,
I fully understood "dead".

I don't recall much,
Vision came and went.
Sounds,
Fled from my ears.

Though I couldn't see my mother,
Nor could I hear her cry.
I simply somehow...
Still felt her tears.

Into the bathroom,
She placed me in the bathtub.
Like trying to wash away,
The near fatal sight.

But as everything faded,
From the bathroom that night.
A strange man,
Appeared to my right.

Above me,
He looked down.
With such sadness I've not known.
And a decision,
Wilfully came to my mind.

Stick around,
Carry on.
Live and proceed.
Or die,
And let it's peace,
Be a moment so kind.

And as that decision,
Came to my thoughts.
I looked,
Upon this strange man.

Hovering in the bathroom,
His presence, familiar.
Like myself,
But aged, and knowing a plan.

"Not yet...
There's still something you must do."

And that's the end of that memory.

It haunts me,
But subtle.
In quizzical ways.

I don't know,
Exactly what I saw.

But tonight,
I sit thinking,
Those sad words said so certainly.
Said, with a heart reaching out to me.

It's been far to long,
Since I sat and wondered...

"Did I really turn out,
To be,
who I really wanted,
to be?"

And have I finally done it,
By age 40.
Whatever I've been meant to do.
When, can I finish,
This absurdity?

There once was a ray,
Of pure heaven sent light.
Speeding through the Galaxy,
With all of it's might.

Nothing in creation,
Could approach it's self made apex,
Still casual observers simplified it,
Through jealousy's self-imposed vex.

"If you've seen one,
You've surely seen them all.
Same with that blasted light,
Even if a star child it is called."

No one seems to consider,
As it happily dances.
That each glimmer it shines,
Speeds deadly dimmings advances.

Yet shine, it will continue,
As that's what it's birth was for.

Sparkling until finally fading.

Leaving those observers with shivering thoughts...

"I should have loved the warmth more..."

Take the mirror,
Press as hard as you can.
Watch the cracks form,
And begin to transcend.

Realize that the fragments,
Are your complexities brought to light.
Now pull back your sore hand,
And give up the fight.

Let the reflections,
Spin as they fall.
To show how they blur,
When you're struggling with them all.

Wrap up your hand.
Staunch the blood flow.
Or let it run freely.
But decide where to go.

You don't need to hold,
A single broken shard.
You can **** yourself simply,
By trying too hard.

But take a moment,
Think on where you belong.
Figure your **** out,
No moment lasts all that long...

Like a mime I reach,
And feel invisible box,
That surrounds,
My days like a haze.

Probing and seeking,
Along every crease and line.
Even standing still,
I'm stuck in a maze.

I can't find my way out,
Though I felt every path,
Every single,
90 degree turn.

I know all that's inside here,
I breath it's understating,
Which is why,
It's outside, that I yern.

But just as the mime,
I know my box isn't real.
Just some rules,
I simply can't bend.

So a rat I've become,
While standing still,
Maze locked,
And no sight of the end.

It's funny, how I can envision fantasy.
Daydream, or write, or make it said.
But visions of reality are just lacking.
As though what my eyes see,
Just won't go in my head.

It feels like my fates thread when created.
Was simply, thrown up and strung along.
With no thought, or consideration,
If when born weight, it could even stay strong.

And as I try, to follow said string.
Hoping I can use, just a little, to mend.
All that I've not seen as I've been packing.
Those little fantasies,
That are stuck in my head.

So I sit with virtual paper,
Pulled taught by the corners of my soul.
Writing my thoughts of sweet fiction.
To someone, I'll likely, never know.

Life needs to begin again,

I'm far too tired of waiting.

Watching all, the Sparkles from afar,

Leaves me with a growing hating...



And it's into this growth,

I feel myself draining.

I miss being who I never was....

I still don't know,
If my insecurities were caused,
By standing on front of the mirror,
Or because of the cracks in the mirror itself.

A new year begins and reflection.
Grabs ahold of me.
Yeah I guess I'll hop on this trend.

It's hard not to think of my perception.
Of my life, out across life's ocean

I think of simply this last year.
But my thoughts, span a decade.

Of all of my trials and tribulations.
Of all of the choices, that I have made.

Of all the lessons presented.
Of the ones, I just might have learned.

Of all of my dreams and my wishes.
For all the things, that I have yearned.

I find, myself left wanting.
Wanting at this point, I know not what for.

Because, as these years have passed by.
I let extinguish, all the passion, that once burned.

So I think I find myself wanting.
In a reflection I couldn't help but start.

An ember found in the ashes.
The ashes, that once was my heart.

Don't take word's,
Like vulnerable,
And honest

As though they were made,
Out of ash.

The tears that you shed,
With two words such as this,
Are moist reminders,
Fallen, right from Hopes lash.

Instead be fearless,
But not the angry kind.
And don't,
Be fearless alone.

But instead,
Be the fearless,
That when you look in their eye,
Forever, you know that you're home.

Be all the crazy,
Weird that you can.
Even if it's a little bit gross.

Because when they love you,
And true trust you both share,
You have, what you've always needed most.

Let your insecurities,
Wash away with spoken word.
But words, of trust,
That squash, all form of doubt.

And be sure every syllable,
Every spoken vowel,
Exudes,
The faith you're both about.

Take this advice,
From one who's lost much to fear,
And grieves,
Filled by regret.

For if I had been braver,
If I'd trusted her more.
My insecurities,
Wouldn't, have been my own death.

The greatest vacation,
Is waking up,
Without a heavy heart,
Or a sad soul...

I'm stuck on this ride,
Can someone let me off?
I didn't even want on...
Cough cough.. cough cough...

20 years ago I recall...
When time actually stopped.
And for a moment,
I was alone with myself.

My mind,
My body,
My heart and my soul,
Put all desires, high on a shelf.

Little blips of darkness,
Like flickering black holes,
Would sometimes...
Corrupt this peace.

But I slowly put thought,
Into who I really was.
Could I be a man...
Or just another meece.

It wasn't until,
I put foolish logic,
Onto what my life,
Was really created for.

That I sold out my moment,
Of time standing still...
And that sell out,
Made me, a *****.

I've been blessed once again,
With time put on ice.
Frozen...
Standing in place.

So many more cracks,
In the world that I live.
Than the last time...
I paused, in this space.

And in the cold reflections,
I see myself.
And I wonder,
Who that person, should really be.

Each step I take forward,
Shoots crackling splinters inside,
Like walking on a frozen lake...
With ice formed so thinly.

This time, this moment,
This universe put on pause.
With shooting stars,
Mid streak in the sky.

I'll walk under them,
And we'll talk of my sin.
Hang out with wishes...
Until I love what's inside.

Again sleeps become,
A coveted prize.
Sheltered away,
From my heavy eyes.

Reluctant walls block,
The short treck to my bed.
And a quiet voice urges me,
"Don't go" in my head.

So I wait just a single,
Rooms distance away.
Relying on nature as sleeps saviour,
Regardless of what the voices say.

It's amazing, to find,
Someone who loves you.
Who genuinely cares, for you in body and soul.

Someone who'll help,
And share your great burden,
When you're broken, but still have arms, so very full.

My heart hurts,
Like pierced by a red hot thorn.
And it's contents drain.

I know these feelings are fleeting,
But the searing pain,
Feels like it's all of me that will remain.

And all I can think,
Is nothing.

Again,
Life leaves me staring.
At my coffee, as I swirl it with a spoon.
Relating to the vortex created.
Drawing sweet ingredients, down to their doom.

A stir meant to bring things together.
Unifying it all to my taste.
Yet now I sit here and I wonder.
Was the effort all just a waste.

Those lines sound fine together.
But I realize, that they are misleading.
I never even really liked coffee.
It just somehow became necessary.

I guess that's how my story goes.
From one unchosen situation to the next.
Until one rings true of purpose.
I'll stir carefully, to avoid another mess.

There's a pain I feel,
When I'm feeling most alone.
And old ugly whisper's,
Approach me at all times.

I scream and yell,
And today they abide.
Yet they lurk,
Plotting my crimes.

I tell myself,
I'm better than them.
I'm stronger,
And far more equipped.

But I know I'm no mountain.
I know I've been weak.
I cry,
As hearts desires are skipped.

My greatest coping,
Mechanism of all time.
Always,
Stared at me in tears.

Until the day,
Her heart crumbled at last,
And left,
Awakening my fears.

I've none to blame.
Save the demons inside.
As they've long,
Been a part of me.

One day I hope.
A truce can be met.
And those whisper's,
Will love what we see.

That love is my med,
And is theirs as well.

And a new whisper,
Will become a fierce yell.

A day doesn't pass,
Where my thoughts aren't with you.
And I long, for the strength,
To hold the sun...

The back of my eyes,
Feel as they lay to rest,
On a hard table, made of oak.

Pained by the pressure,
Of their very own weight.
While in rest, do they wish to soak.

Sleepy is a term,
Often they are named.
But wide and alert, do they seem to rest.

While bearing dreams of their own,
Of being embraced by darkness,
Melting away, into sweet slumbers chest...

When your eyes close for the night...
Do images dance in your eyes?
Glittering from all the magic.
With closed eyelids, from the world they will hide.

And like lifted into to outer space,
I imagine reflections in your eyes, remain.
Floating away from this world.
To a place, that knows no pain.

Closed still are your eyes,
But as mirrors do they show.
A journey deep, into your heart,
Of the places you will go.

Flash forward and you sit.
On top of a heavy breathed steed.
You and your fine stallion are gleaming,
From the glory of your deed.

Flash forward again and your eyes are aglow,
As dance among the fae.
Twirling and leaping from leaf to leaf,
As you dip your fingers, into the sun's warm rays.

And blink you move, but your eyelids they do not,
You're back in outer space.
Racing comets, with no meaning of distance and time,
With an excited grin, smeared upon your face.

And in a flash your back at home,
But to one you've never been.
You, holding dear sweet infant child.
As you're lover, holds your smiling chin.


Do you ever dream so sweetly...
Do you dream of fanciful things?

Or when you close your eyes at night...

Does tomorrow... Just begin?

No where to run and no where to hide.
The feelings I have overwhelm inside...

A mess of memories and a mess of mind.
A battered heart that wants to be kind...

Too much take and no way to show.
That the way I feel overpowers my soul...

So taking a breath with quivering sides.
I'll try my best...  Not to run away this time...

I read the words of a hero.
Listen to the speech of a borderline saint.

But I'm to hurt to feel their intentions.
By the world, it's people, and their taint.

Be at peace.
Inhale and be calm.
Weather the treacherous.
Storm they come on.

Carry your grace.
With each blow that they make.
Smile even though.
All your teeth do they break.

Because whether you walk out.
Or crawl through your own blood.
They will regret their loss some day.
And drown... In sorrows flood.

One day,
When I say "I love you",
Someone will believe me.

That will be the day,
I thankfully,
Will die.

Wipe blood off of my hands,
Pick up the needle.
And find a spool, full, of thread.

Pierce the eye,
From either side.
So I can begin, mending my head.

In and out,
Pass the string.
While catching memories with meaning.

It's just the start,
Next is my heart.
Laying in a pool of lost time,
On my bed.

I wish to define you,
As a passage of time.
A pageless memory,
With words on no line.

Yet too strong for,
A definition you are.
Like grasping sunshine,
From an exploding star.

So in my mind,
Vaguely you'll stay.
Understandings evader,
In which labels dismay...

You know you're lost,
When all that set you to peace,
Becomes painful reminder,
Of where, you once were.

Drop a marble,
Down swirling hole.

And follow it all the ways.

Twists and turns,
Which way is up?
This is how, we spend, our days.

At first memory,
He saw her face smiling.
A love, far removed from his day.

His life, was coming to be trying.
A story, someone may whisper and say.

From a youth,
He spent his days guarded.
As blows, rained down like a storm.

His lonesome nights,
was his time crying.
For tomorrow, he'd also be worn.

Bad choices, I guess were his calling.
You try thinking,
With bricks raining from above.

All he's left, is feeling the thumping,
Of adrenaline...
As it trickles, out with the blood.

Yet still, mental notes he is taking.
Hoping one day,
He'll make something of all this.

Not knowing if that smile he first envisioned,
Was false hopes,
Or his own, waking kiss.

If I were a shooting star,
Which would I be?

The shot aiming,
For some place new.

Or the flame engulfed body,
Hurling to the ground to be subdued...

Would I be the speck of mass,
That burns before reaching a home?

Or would be a greatest wish,
The your hope had long ago sewn,..

If I were a shooting star.
What would you see?

I'm getting older,
I feel it in my soul.
A soul once believed, to already be old.

Maybe due to injuries,
Taken to my skull,
Do ancient images, in my thoughts, go cold.

It's not exactly,
Like those images are gone.
Not entirely,
Have they been lost.

Just painted right over,
With a common White Out...
At a severe,
And high of a cost.

A long time ago,
A little bird sat on my shoulder.
It whispered, it fluttered, it grinned.

It wasn't so much,
Just the ever so slight annoyance.
But it was far, so far, from a friend.