He had a name
Nobody cared to ask for
Smiles filled with disgust
Pity stained their eyes
Business men passing by
No hand reached out
Just another guy who had it all
Lost it when the needle pierced his veins
Gorgeous women avoiding
Afraid they'll become ugly by association
His name was John
He had a wife and three kids
Left him when he started his addiction
He wasn't proud of the times he spent
Beating her in front of the kids
Throwing plates and fights over nothing
Cheating became a way of life
An affair turned into a divorce
A box by the garbage next to the 99 cent store
Saw him one day
Mom told me not to talk to strangers
But he had a face that said hello
I asked his name
He only said I should go away
I gave him the dollar
The very one I got from the tooth fairy
Just that morning
He mustered a tear and said he couldn't take it
I insisted he use it for a can of beans
He bought ramen
I didn't blame him
Not everybody likes beans
I met him the next day
Asked his name again
He just shooed me away
So I asked if I could buy his name
Another dollar pulled from my pocket
He said his name was John
And then I realized why I liked him
He was just like my dad
Scraggly beard and an appetite for money
I asked him why he was there
He asked if I had a ten
I couldn't pay the man so he didnt tell me
The next day I was eating a pb&j;
He asked for a bite
So I brought him a loaf of bread
The peanut butter and jelly
I told him I didn't know how to make one
And I dont like sharing my food
He only laughed
A laugh so priceless
I knew he was a really nice guy
A cop came just moments later
Asked where my parents were
I told them exactly where
John said he didnt want any problems
And then I told the cop
Something that shocked both of them
He's my friend John
He's homeless and likes ramen
I might not know everything about him
But he's kind and makes really good pb&j;'s
Officer I dont want to go home just yet
The officer shook Johns hand
Gave him a twenty and said have a good day
John gave me a hug and said thanks kid
He told me his story
Told me everything about him
He was born 06/17/1961
Unfortunately he passed away today
01/04/2016 at 5:15am
That very same officer found him
Died of a heart attack
No one knows John
The only thing he never told me
Was his last name
He probably thought no one cared
John taught me that any moment could be your last
Don't ever get cocky
Makes your head too big and makes you stumble
He taught me that even the less fortunate
Are humans just as well
They hold stories nobody knows
They contain wisdom beyond comprehension
I loved John
He is and will always be a dear friend to me
He was a great friend
Even though the world saw a failure
I saw a man that was put through the ringer
Went 12 rounds with life
I saw a warrior
Even if his name wasn't John
He was my friend
Here's a pb&j; for you man

It's not love
It's not you
It's not my faith
It's not my past
It's not my future
It's not my present

My greatest failure
Is this forsaken life
And you can ask why
Or say it's not
But look at the facts
I've never accomplished anything

I've always failed
Fell flat on my face
Thought I had a reason
To get back up
Only to wish to cry
When it was gone

Spent countless nights
Staring at a blank ceiling
Wondering where it went wrong
Why I always ***** up
Then I realize it don't matter
What's gone is gone

My greatest failure
Is real and you can't see
So look at all the lies
The tears not in these eyes
I've failed at life
So nail this coffin shut

I already  live in darkness
Might as well die by it
A menacing nightmare
Waste of life, space, breath, and time
A legacy soon forgotten
By people already lost, deaf, dumb, mute, and blind

I'm everybody's nightmare and nobody's dream

Its always "**** you"
Or "**** me"
My poetry *****
Really it does
I have no rational reason
To continue to write
What is the point of this anymore
I dont touch any lives
I barely can look at my work
I never reread it
Its all useless to me now
My poetry *****
Seriously
Who even takes the time to read
This pathetic *** **** anymore
I was just a trend
A disease to this site
***** it
My poetry *****
Maybe I should quit
I will never amount to anything
My words will take me nowhere
So yeah my poetry *****
I had my run
I had my time
To shine and bask in my misery
Oh well
Later my fellow poets

I no longer see this world
In black or white
Even though I'm color blind
It's pixelated
My graphics card is going out
I don't want to see it
This battery bar
Depleted with every wire cut
My point of view
Is from a hole I dig
Deeper down
Seeing where it'll go
Opinions unpopular
Conversations hindered
By one word or two
Found so blasphemously offensive
Does any of it matter
Do any of us matter
Scattering around as atoms collide
We aren't the foundation
To the secrets of youth
We're only obstacles
In each other's way
Collateral damage
When cross hairs pull triggers
Our game of chess
Consist of more kings then pawns
Each only moving once
In only one direction
Unsure if either way
Won't be checkmate
My point of view
Solely that of uncertainty
Watching scenery as it's painted
With the tainted virtues
Of our benevolent race

My life I would trade for yours
A million times over
Till the day the world ended
Even then I would try
To keep you alive
Because your a gift to me
One I never quite deserved
Rachel
I LOVE YOU
I would take a billion
If not trillions of nuclear warheads for you
I dont think anyone
Can quite comprehend
How much it is that I love you
But you are my reason
The only reason
That I shall die
If ever the moment comes

Doesn't creep through blinds
Watch me from afar
Tail me with headlights in my rearview
It's in the back of my mind
Under my feet
When either the sun and moon
Decide to shine on me
My Stalker watches through eyeball lenses
Play by play
First person reality
Telling me to do it
Reaches for the knife
When the lights go out
Long after the sandman visits
*** drugs cigarettes coffee alcohol
I can't shut him out
Or lock him away
There is no prison
To where I can incarcerate him
I'll never be safe
And that's fine by me
Death finally has her sights on me
I'm ready to go home
Back to the hour glass
Lost in the sands of time

It's a picture of you
Smiling toward a camera
That captured only your perfection
You asked me why I called it a poem
It's only because you're never ending
Like similes and metaphors
Your body a rhyme to nature
Hair so fluid it's rhythmical
Heart a gate way to alliterations
Covered in bouquets of assonance
You're my wallet poem
Always there when I'm paying
For the movie we just watched
And the dinner we are going to
Everyday I open my wallet
To find the picture worth a thousand words
Written to absolute beauty
Not a moment goes by
When you're not with me
I'm grateful my wallet holds
Such a magnificent well taken poem

Everything I ever owned
Bound to pages never published
Sealed beneath flesh only wanting to peel
Off bones too heavy with the burdens
I'll leave it all to the sands of time
Let the wind carry it all away
Let the salty beaches nibble at the edges
All I ever was, was a book waiting to be wrote
My will
My last decree
The ending to a story
Finally writing The End
On the last breath of this life
Was the biggest achievement in my life
So bury my memory in your hearts
It will someday fade
Destined to be another light breeze
Everything I am
Everything I was
Leave it to be the way it was meant to end

You look in the mirror
Comb your hair
Say you're ****
Blow your reflection a kiss
Sit down at your desk and begin to write
"I'm **** for all the right reasons
Woman love me
I love myself
The world is pathetic
But I'm the reason the sun shines"
You're a poet
From what you tell yourself
Well my fellow "poet"
You're a narcissistic poet
With everything going against you
You should be more like me
Call yourself pathetic
Become your very own critic
Degrade yourself regularly
Sure it makes you depressed but for all the right reasons
You become better
Influencing yourself to be better
Without the knowledge that it's happening
Don't be a narcissistic poet
Be the poet that the world actually will like

Popcorn
Pizza rolls
Ice tea
Kleenex
***** about to get real
Party of one
15 seasons
Rewatching it unfold
Netflix no chill
Just sad and lonely
With my homie
Special Agent Gibbs

Some day the old bards
Will gather round from afar
Sing in unison the story
Around the great fire
Of the hunter and his beloved
Miles apart they managed to love
How she became weary of his absence
Began to love another man
One more closer to home
Less likely to leave for a hunt
One day the bards of old
Will sing how the hunter
Became a war god
Hungry for blood
Bleeding his anger
From the veins of all in his way
All he ever wanted was taken from him
It was never meant to be
She never truly loved him
She only loved the idea of him

Is easy to trip and stumble
Over cute looks and six pack abs
Or maybe just the way he makes you smile
When all he has to say is "hi"
Or was it your name that sent you tumbling
As it rolled off his tongue
Down into the pits you now dread
Those black holes in the ground
Where spartan kicking you into it
Would only make it thrilling
Love makes nightmares
When you fear how easy it was to fall in the first place
What was it really
that sent you tumbling then falling
Only faster as the lies piled on
I love you
You're all that I need
Everything I want is in your eyes
So maybe you should keep your head between your knees
and stay staring at whats there
Between soft silken thighs
That only seem to ***** his **** before his heart
Its lessons taught that are misunderstood
Never the mistakes made
From an unsuspecting heart
So eager to find what is real
In a world she thought was only hers
But instead shared with her friends that had no idea
Her sister who was your bestie
How many stories must be told
Before the nightmare in them all
Becomes the reality you no longer can handle
Love is a nightmare
Till you can find someone who will make them disappear
Before he tries to show you he loves you

Fine whiskey stirred under two cubes of ice
Glass getting cold as the roof top floods
Condesation causing precipitation
Weatherman didn't say anything about rain
But this storm has been brewing
In the gulf of my heart
Wild winds blowing like tornadoes through
Already devastated brain cells
Knocking sense in and out of my conscious
Bottle beside me and I'm prepared for the hurricane
It's howling siren roaring on the silence
Paul Revere riding the winds calling a new threat
A new call to arms
No. 7 and a blade
The new way to fight my battles
I'll sleep when this storm breaks
Maybe it won't
But I'm getting soaked as the glass grows empty
Bottle already drained
Guess the flood gates broke early this time

In the still of dew collecting
On dying leaves lips
Falling
Chasing after the love
In each drops nutrition
Frogs sing their hollowed ballad
Pierce of silence
As the old owl hoots
A warning to the racing of rodents
Open fields
Standing trees
Casting shadows
Darker than their origins
Silent as the scent of ******
Nocturnal
In the thirst for more
A shadow moves
Yet leaves still a corpse
Clinging to its cape
Whispering goodbyes to this realm
As it walks away
With a satisfied grin

Thought I could find
What all those preachers talked about
Within your smile, laugh, and heart
Yet I found pain
I found a even more damaged heart
That now resides within me

How did my search for love
Turn into the discovery of more pain
Did I not love you enough
Too little
Why did I even begin this journey
When I am dying every step

No heaven in this hell
When heaven and hell
Are of one mind and body
You
And I fell for your tricks
Like a ******* I am

No heaven for weak men
No heaven for damaged men
No heaven for me
Just a lonely hell
Where the devil himself
Never travels

Lifeless
Emotional
Nothing seems real
Artificial
Every word forced into existence
This dictionary holds open
Written in invisible ink
Maybe I am the worst
A worthless writer
A has-been
Perhaps I'm no longer real
No longer really alive
Just suffering the loss of my mind
Trapped in rewind
Watching my life happen all over again
I'm a *******
Thinking my life had a purpose
Maybe my purpose was only to fail
Be a laughing stock
A joke for this world

There is no love for a poet
None, not even hint
Is the constant showering
Of romantic and beautiful pieces
Not amusing to you
Is the feeling of being needed
The center piece to my inspiration
The pinnacle of my muse
Not amusing to you
There is no love for a poet
You use us like tools
Playing like the fools we are
Simply because we are more open
Wanting no longing for attention
Yet at the slightest
We bury ourselves
Deep under your flesh
Wrapping around your pinky
And hence beginning the self destruction process
There is no love for a poet
Apparently we are useless
But what would you do without us
You turn to us when you have a problem
Beg us to capture you i our poems
When all you have done
Is reject the idea of loving us
Well *******
We are poets
Real poets
We have the open hearts
And welcoming smiles
Of people who truly know
What it is like not to be loved
We are poets
And there is no love for us

You don't need 20 lbs of make-up
Just look good enough
For six pack abs Dave
He likes them natural
He never paid you any mind
Byt when your sister went shopping
Buying make-up for her girls-night-out
Dave walked up and said
No make-up, you still look beautiful
These abs are spray on
This tan from the farm work
I'm looking for someone true
That's why I pretend I'm ripped

I don't know
If it's my depression talking
Self esteem issues flaring
Delusional unjustified attacks
Self terrorism at it's finest
Yet no matter what
I won't measure up
Not even to the hunchback
I'm just an existence
Floating unnoticed
Unwanted undesirable
I'm subjected to loneliness
Best friend a shadow
Worst enemy a reflection
Only lover I'll have
Is the stars
They're already dead
Yet still trying to light
The path I'm on

I'm here now
Don't cry another tear
I don't want ****** tsunamis
Rushing the shores of your wrist
Please
No more tears
I don't want you to drown
I need you
I'm here now
Let me be your rock
Holding tight onto your anchor
Keeping you still
Let me be Posiedon
Hold your vessel afloat
Calm the raging waters
No more tears please
Cry onto my pillowed chest
Bury your burdens
Under the flesh of my shoulders
Your the treasure in my chest
All the gold and diamonds in the world
Couldn't compare to you
Yet here you are crying before me
And I'm reaching
Just not touching
I'm helpless to the crashing force
Of your meteor tears
Please no more tears
Let me hold you
Wipe the tears
And whisper some ******* cliche

Yes
No
Maybe
Would it be so
Could it be
Do bees sing
Elegant songs of sorrow
Perhaps motivation
Wrong
Right
****** would be poetry
Life wouldn't be death
All signs would point to somewhere
But nowhere at the same time
I'm making sense
Its your own sense
Nonsense
Be it may
A merry go round
Where one thing is two
But none in its own sense
Its rudimentary
But still elementary
Get it?

You crucify me
For not believing
In a "God"
Yet when I ask
A number of  questions
You simply reply
Have faith in the Lord

Well preacher
There is no religion for me
I am an Athiest
I dont believe
In your petty
Incoherent false hopes
Of a being who can forgive

No religion for me
Ill scream it all around
******* and your beliefs
I have mine
And Im content
So ******* and stop trying
To make me believe in a "God"

I wait and wait
Phone tight in my hand
Never far just in case
I texted you yesterday
Still I'm waiting
Yet no reply

I called you twice
To see if your alright
To see if I did something
Yet it rang and rang
Voicemail not set up
Still...no reply

Is it me
What did I do
What didn't I do
Is it over between us
Did something happen to you
Are you in trouble

What the hell is going on
No reply
Nothing and Im getting worried
But even more depressed
Because I'm in love
And I'm missing your voice and your reply

Through countless years
Almost endless days
Thoughts of suicide
Played banjo with my emotions
And here I am at a funeral
Watching people cry and wither
Wilting in their realization
Their beloved is gone
Sad to say
There's no silence in suicide
They'll moarn till they die
Think of ways to off themselves
Gun shots echo
Sounds of nooses tightening
Pill bottles emptying
Bodies dropping
There's no silence in suicide
Death just echoes

For these feelings
Foreign are they not
Heed thy anchors call
As too many moons have passed
Since the last breeze
Clung to cloth bedding
Pulling further away
For the love of the sea
Is stronger than the warmth
Any woman may bring
For her bounty may be blue
Yar to be warned
Her ***** be ever vast
Foreign are these feelings
Not
Foreign is the care
Not
Why your smile still
Stings at my heart
You shouldn't be aqui
In these butterfly sails
Causing mutiny upon me
My vessel battered
Wars have waged
Blood staining the bow
Cannons still smoking
Smell of gunpowder
From daybreak's call
Almost resting in the depths
Davy Jones locker
A too close encounter
I've sailed those waters
One too many past the 7
I know the fate
Dead men tell no tales
Where land stops
Nothing begins
You'll see what I mean
When your crew
Never reaches
The same port again

Those were your words
As I fell mute
Afraid to inform you
The darker side of me
You must have overlooked
I've never put myself first
I'll never be fair to myself
I'll put a world eager to destroy me
Behind me knowing pain
Is my only reward
I'd rather hurt
Weigh the burden
Just to see someone smile
True I want happiness
Something I'll never obtain
Yet in the glimpse of someone's smile
Their momentary happiness
Knowing they had someone
Ward off one second of pain
I share with them
So in my selfishness
Of wanting you
Despite your desire
To not have a family
In my unfairness to myself
For finding happiness
My daughter cannot give me
Solely through you
I can't help loving you
And maybe it's pointless
An utter waste of your time
You'll dispute me till the end
Finding another excuse
To not give me a chance
Ignoring how you feel
Because you wouldn't have asked
If you didn't feel something
You want something
But can't figure it out
You wouldn't have kept answering
And maybe that's why you fell silent
Scared of whatever it was
Resurfacing abruptly
Do you really want me to come
Show my face
And make you feel it even deeper
Or are you wanting the verification
That there couldn't be anything
To ever transpire between us
You're quick to tell me
What it is you don't want
When that's everything I am
But it's not what you want
That you inform me of
Is it because you believe
I could possibly be that as well
Is the idea of having any sort
Of affection towards me
Truly that terrifying
I could be reading this wrong
Trying to understand this
Self justification session
I go through
To ease my own pain
That I know follows
My destructive tendency
I use as an armor
Unprescribed antidepressants
Keeping me from what I know
To be an inevitable action
No amount of therapy can stop
I'll never be fair to myself
I'll sell myself short
To make someone else richer
I'm a victim to my own design
In that end my demise
Trying to take on a persona
That wants to face the rapture
And conquer it for another
Sorry my thoughts are all over
I have no excuse
Me just being my usual
Insane self
Figuring out a dialogue
I have no answers for
All I can say
Is it's fair of me
To be unfair to myself
Finding everything to love
In someone
That won't love me back
No matter how much I confess
Or how long I do
Simply because I let myself
Slip away from you once
For these very same questions
This is our form of tag
With me chasing you
And you evading me
Every time I get
Slightly closer than before

One look in a mirror
I wonder exactly I have to offer
Every voice falls silent
Loading bars stall
Chalkboards erase
Nothing
Seems about right
To a point it's wrong
I'm a man of constant work
Bills, a child, roommate
A bankrupt heart
With a vacancy light on so long
It decided to turn itself off
What's to offer
When everything you have
Amounts to something nobody wants
I'm not looking
Pulled every advertisement
Deleted my website
Canceled subscriptions
Before I ran up any more debt
The bank doesn't even chase anymore
For there is no value in Chernobyl
Only memories forbidden to be visited
Still some come and go
Leaving footprints on years of dust
Eventually covered
When the next storm blows through
Not much to offer
But if you'd be interested
I'm certain it would be a thrill

You couldn't call me on my ****
Tell me I ****** up
Instead you get ******
So when I thank you
For being the only person
Not to tell me happy birthday
Like I asked
You get even more ******
Well *******
And the horse you rode in on
You wanted to leave
Because one bad joke
Well adios I didn't need you
I'm an *******
Always will be
So thanks for proving me wrong
You're just like the rest of them
Only thing different
Is your sense of humor

I'll have respect for myself
A life I can call worthy
A house with a basement
A truck ill have no worries with
One day
Everything will be ok
I'll look back and say I'm glad I survived
I'll thank everyone I met
Remember those who passed
Smoke a bowl and drink a beer
In their honor
I'll look in the mirror
Remember the voices that chanted death
I'll laugh at all the scars
Thinking about the reasons I came out alive
I'll be that guy one day
To have it all
And watch it fade away
Because I woke up

I suffer from this every night
I'm afraid of my dreams
I'm unaware of what it is I will dream of
I'm an oneirophobic
Unfortunately I can't control it
And I can't sleep alone
I always have to be safe in arms of another
Which is harder than you think
When everybody you know has a life of their own

You called me at exactly 1:36 am
I was already up
I saw your name
I remembered the fight we just had
I didn't want to talk to you
I told you that you were weak
You couldn't love a man
That left you in the middle of your anniversary
I even congratulated you
You yelled at me and cursed me out
I was always there for you
I didn't deserve that
I never turned my back
Maybe I should have
I wrote you poem after poem
Handed them to you after school
I resent you for what you did to me
But I can understand the excuse you gave me
To a certain degree
Isn't it common sense
To hold onto that fairy tale love
Because it is **** near impossible
To find and obtain another
You made the decision to walk away from it
I loved you
You were the first
To every be given a second chance
And within the five days it took for you
To decide again to leave
We were never together
Because you never said a word to me
Never even let me kiss you
Just a hug and a "I'll talk to you later"
You can't let me go
That's what you say
Yet here you are fighting with me
Pushing me away
When I'm trying to keep my promise
That no matter what I'll be there for you
Yet you're making it impossible
I loved you
Now I resent you
Simply because you were and still are immature
Not realizing how happy I could of made you
So I hope you're happy now
When you get to hear my voice(mail)
I'm not picking up the phone
Even if you left a message saying
"I'm going to ******* **** myself if you don't speak to me"
By all means do it
I don't care
I want you to be happy
So if you think you will be happy in death
Goodbye
I'll just have one missed call
A call I won't return
I'm done

I put this pen to paper
Blade to skin
Dig deep and find
Whatever lies beneath
Hidden emotions
Left on bloodied streets
Massacre of dreams
With torture written on bones
I wish I didn’t know this darkness
I’ve embraced and been consumed
Weak
Left feeding on zombies
Too dead to die
To alive to know what living is
One more time
I’d like the **** I say to make sense
The way I feel to be understood
If I don’t get it
Who the **** else will
One more time
I’d like to strike a match
Watch everything I’ve soaked in kerosine
Ignite into the inferno
That is my insanity
So everyone can witness
One more time
But I’m out of chances
Out of opportunities
Close the gates
This factory is out of business

The new motto for our generation
Puff Puff pass
So if you decide to keep
The beloved joint I just rolled
Prepare to get your *** kicked
It's not the addiction of marijuana
That keeps the freshly rolled joint
In between my lips
It's the fact that I can ******* do it
One puff Two puff
Here you go
I'll share with you
Because I don't care about anything
I'm getting high
So maybe when it wears off
I'll crash from the height
Skydive with no parachute
And kiss the ground just before I die
One puff Two puff
The reason the joint is here
Is because I want to be like my mother
Pops always said "You're just like your mother"
Lucky it isn't a needle

I dreamt of you last night
Standing before me
Eyes teary and ageless
Perfect cemetery for my heart
When I look at you
I die inside
Because its only just a dream
I can't wake to your face
Smiling like we just went on an adventure
Came back from a peaceful paradise
Found each other in hopeless times
I no longer can have a picture of you
Set as my lock screen
Without wanting to fall to pieces
I can't have you with me
No matter how hard I try
These feelings rattle
From questions to fears
I'm to scared to ask
My notes in my phone
Hold every secret I can mumble
But us, a me and you, its only a dream
Even though dreams come true sometimes
I still have to wonder
Is this dream destined for reality
When I dont even know
What it is I'm waiting for
It feels as if something is missing
A que wasn't made
Or perhaps I'm a lunatic after all
And my dreams seem to bury me
In every possible way conjured up

I know not many of you will like this poem
Due to the obscene language
Well **** that
I'm tired of our ******* parents
*******, yelling, fighting
With us or themselves
They must not see the pain
The torment, disgust it makes us feel
They abandon us for drugs
Alcohol, perhaps even ***
They beat us for no reason
Well what if we had the power
Beat you because you taught us
That yelling was the only way to communicate
That fighting was the way we showed love
That stick your husband on the couch
Was the only way to make up
Our ******* parents
Don't realize how much
We want to punch them in their faces
Break their necks for the constant headache
We cut ourselves
Drink ourselves to sleep
Even cry because they wont listen
We commit suicide
Hoping they'll listen
But they only hear their own tears
Hit the floor of our bedroom
Our ******* parents
Don't realize how a lot of times
We really do need to be left alone
We are what will make tomorrow move
So shut the **** up and **** yourself
We have rights too
Don't try to strip them from us
Or we might just strip your jaw
From your ******* face

Tag your it
Hey
Four days later
Tag now your it
Hey
A year goes by
Tag
I miss you
A month slips by
Where did we go wrong
From hourly messages
To random replies
Few hour conversations
Random philosophies
Sharing stupid little funnies
Hoping our jokes would chisel a smile
From the same path
Torn in different directions
Tag your it
I really miss you
I shouldn’t have let you go
I made excuses for myself
When my own problems
Got the best of me
There was a level of distrust
Etched into us from the beginning
Why did distance have to be the issue
Tag
I don’t know why
Your stuck in my head
Never touched
Never kissed
Yet I was always blessed
When your voice was the last thing
Whispering sweet dreams
Before we said goodnight
Tag
Always finding myself
Stuck asking questions
Hoping someone will give me answers
Yet I’m the only one asked
And the only researcher looking for clues
As I pass time flipping through pages
Scrapbooks filed in my head
Your voice still an echo
I have conversations with
When I’m lost in a daydream
Wishing this game of tag we play
Wasn’t the only way I could keep you
Forever in my life
Tag your it
Maybe now I’ll either find closure
Or find another step into insanity

We walked on the empty beaches
Hands entwined together
We thought we would never have this moment
Walking on the oceans shores
Watching the sunsets beautiful colors
Watching as the sun sets the sky on fire
While being extinguished
It shows that our love was never meant to last
It shows I'm holding hands with a ghostly memory
Struggling to set your heart on fire
While being extinguished by your refusal

In a room full of people
Adored and cherished
Every smiling face
Laughter filled room
With incense of positivity
I'm alone
Dark cloud as sunshine
Tries to stretch through
Thunderous is my depression
As lightning flashes
On my regal hopes
Even in the midst
Hurricane Joy
Countered by tornados
Self animosity
Ethereal loathing
Towards endless weather
Changing out of season
This constant downpour
Twisting emotions
I'm left with the title
Self proclaimed
Outcast
Hiding away from what's inside
Portraying roles with feats
Surpassing that of demigods
I'm just a leaf
Rolling around in this flurry
Of ever changing winds

I whisper lines in dark nights
Hoping one will stick on my tongue
So I can give you another shot
Every word another cc
Every syllable another mg
I want you to choke on them
I want foam to line your mouth
You don't know what you did to me
Forced my hand
Said love was an irrelevance
No place for me in an empty castle
That I wanted to call home
But homeless was what you left me
Now I'll leave you an addict
Waiting on every word
Hoping the next one you'll overdose on
Guess some stories aren't meant to be written
Even though I tried to write ours
Every ending was seen a mile away
All because I wasn't the drug you needed
But a distraction...

Lethal injection
15 cc's of pure ecstasy love
**** I didn't think this could happen
I was invincible
Nothing could **** me
I've been to hell and back
But getting high on you
Managed to **** me
This is overdosing huh?
Well **** it
I'm dying happy
Finally happy
Knowing you loved me
And it took you to finally **** me
Thank you

It's been awhile
I probably shouldn't say this
But hey
I know I wasn't much of a person
That could really be trusted and I'm sorry
I know apologies are too late
And all those poem I wrote to you
I still mean them
You were and still am on my mind
You know I have many talents
Writing and drawing
Remember that drawing I drew for us
I still have it
Still cherish it with infinite lust
To hear your voice again
To hear you say I'm lying when i said
I love you
I know I'm still a nobody
Life seems lost
And I dont want a sympathy party thrown
Or you thinking I'm trying to find myself
My torch went out went I let you go
When I failed to realize the greatest thing
In my life in my world
Was always on the other side of my phone
I wish I could make it all better
I wish sorry had value
I wish I never introduced myself
And brought my own chaos
Stampede through your chest
I'm a ****** person
I deserve to live with this guilt
With this pain
But I know eventually you'll forget
Who I was in your life
I'll become some guy you talked to
Some guy who said he loves you
Still knows your true identity
And will never forget
How I destroyed something perfect
I know you still resent me
Still have those built up homicide thoughts
Wanting to rip my chest open
Feed me my own intestines
I'm probably off base but it doesn't matter
I wish I had the proper words to say
But all I can say is...
Hey. I miss you.

Staring blankly into oceanic stars
Searching for my titanic tragedy
Page one of every story
Seems to start off like I'm falling in love
I despise it, these thoughts
Letting cool breezes of comets
Brush through her hair
As if the cosmos aimed
To make her even more heavenly
Page one always seems to say
I can't stop thinking of you
Yet its never the case
I just dont want to stop
I'm an alcoholic to your affection
Growing bored of counting
Every wish I made on shooting stars
It seems I'm writing too much
For too little of a reason
I'll choke on the dream of oxygen
While you drown
Begging for it to leave you
We came from two different worlds
Seems my head floated a little too far
Past the clouds even I knew I should have escaped
While your heart was swimming
On the rim of the deepest trenches
Maybe oneday I'll get tired of writing about you
And your name will disappear into the stars
Like your feelings did at random

Remember those days
When you wanted me
Just as much
As I wanted you

We fight and fight
The love is still there
But the distance
Just cant be covered

We fell apart from each other
I drowned the love
With alcohol and drugs
And meaningless ***

While you continued
To hurt yourself
By breaking your heart
Over and over again

You know we were meant
To be together
But whats the point trying
That love is dead now

***** by our insanity
Murdered by our darkness
Lost in the distance
Forever we die alone

In my pocket
Old and wore out
A symbol of every color I felt
This old paint brush
Has seen miracles
Made many more
Revived old houses
Brought life to a dying kids eyes
As she watched her playhouse
Become healthier then her
This old paint brush
Painted a future for me
In every smile of every homeowner
Brought beauty where darkness resided
Yet I never tried to let it
Bring colors into my heart
Bristles are missing
Brass is dented and caked over
Handle barely holding on
But its my brush
My favorite brush
The only brush I'll ever use
Because its the brush
That painted more miracles
Then Jesus performed

If my skin was paper, could I cut myself more?

The past was brutal
Failed relationships countless times
Failed attempts at ending my life
Mother who abandoned me
I mean who the hell does that ****
She wasn't meant to be a mother

The present is just as worst
Distant relationships with the closest of family
Resentment for everybody who ever told me ******* cliches
Maturing too fast that it's unpleasant and unbearable
No one can understand me anymore
The sad part is that a future is almost unlikely

The future still unclear
I don't think I can salvage one
But I made the plans to go far
And I will take each step with a delicate caution
Till that one step that sends me to oblivion
Everything is just a blur

The past, the present, the future
What each and any holds for me
Is still quite unknown
And there is nobody to guide me anymore
Its all my fault because I pushed them all away
So whatever may happens I deserve it
Even if that may be more misery or death

This long journey
Is well worth the trip
Because in the end
You finally find peace
You solve so many problems
That apparently you have become
The reason to them
You try to find
Things that will help you cope
With the struggles of today
With the pain of yesterday
With the fear of tomorrow
Not knowing what will happen
The path of suicide is long
Very painful indeed
But the reward of the knife
Pressed against your wrist
Cutting deep into the flesh
Bleeding the pain out
The feeling so welcoming
You do it again
This time deeper
Or the nuse around your neck
Slowly stripping your brain
Of the well needed element Oxygen
Darkness enclosing around you
Your life fading
The path of suicide is painful
But the alcohol and drugs
Make it so much less painful
The poetry helps
But still your problems grow
Till you finally decide
To walk the path
To watch the world destroy itself
By not allowing you
To be welcomed into its glory
So you walk
And walk some more
Endure more struggles
Till you secretly reach the end of it
The pain so great
The burdens even greater
The relief so quick
With the simple squeezing
Of an old dusty 45
Not used since the last kid walked this path
The choices to how you want to end it
All laid before you
Pick one and feel relief
End your sorrow
And deliver the awakening slap
Deliver the deafening and final scream
To release the built up emotions
Silenced with your choice of suicide
At the end of this path
The Path of Suicide

Dancing on silence
Fields of crimson
Let loose their timid wings
Feathers in the night sky
Pedals on the wind
Finding home on our bedroom floor

There's a target on my hollow chest...TAKE THE SHOT!!!