i always

wanted to be in love,
to be the person that others groan at in the hallway,
swapping affections and possibly personality with the boy of my choice.
wanted to be wanted.

wanted friends to be jealous,
to say god i wish i had a relationship like yours
and ask questions about where we met and how we got along.
wanted to be noticed.

wanted my mom to talk to her friends,
complaining about how obnoxious i was and how infrequently i made my way home,
causing family members to ask on about my boyfriend at gatherings.
wanted something normal.

believed it was possible for someone like me to finally have something average,
something to give me acceptance into the social world.
wanted not to be the outcast i made myself out to be.
thought and then.

thought and then i met a girl with eyes like cool ash and shoulders so heavy, so broad,
it took everything i had inside me to help her bear the load.
knew, knew as a child, when i suppressed my urges to hold a hip like mine,
to dip a red haired beauty under warm ballet hall lights and instead be dipped myself.

knew, especially when i pounded against the walls of a tiny bathroom cubicle,
screaming my desperation at not wanting,
but wanting so much to allow myself to lick the space where her collarbones met her neck.
thought i had been brought up to have an open mind.

-but, darling, i needed so much more than an open mind for this.

Her hair feathered,

eyes blue doves

nestled in the hollows of her

cheekbones.

Lips swollen

from kissing ****** men.

An object,

love making of the disreputable kind;

of lust,

grime and creaking springs.

Comfort for one sleepless night.

Mouth red not from wine,

but blood.

She tilts her chin up to the sky

and marvels at how small she is,

insignificant.

And the clouds envelope her body

in an embrace so

tender;

Steadfast,

the only lover that comes without a

price.

They lurk into your bedroom at night…
Terrorize and give much fright.
Sometimes they’re evil and wish you pain,
Wreaking havoc so that you’ll never be the same.
You can hear the menacing laughs, cackling throughout the house,
And the unlucky victim of somebody’s spouse.
The ****** comes and the monster is reaching for the ****,
You’re scared to death, but everything around you is still.
Breath is heavy, heart is pounding,
The monsters find you and are now surrounding.
They reach out, trying to touch your skin,
You wake up suddenly, realizing what could have been.
But it was only your dream, my dear,
And you have only your imagination to fear.

As I look into the mirror, all that I can see,
Is an ugly human being staring back at me.
My smile is a disguise,
Which may come as a surprise.
Mirrors can hide,
The other side
Of me.

I act everyday of my life,
Which hasn't caused much strife,
Because all they can see,
Is who I pretend to be.

Things aren't always easy,
Life quotes are really cheesy.
No one can help me at all,
No matter who I call.

Being a teen in this day and age,
Can cause some serious rage,
And the occasional fight,
We'll I'm normally right.

So what I'm trying to say.
Is that each and everyday
I will hate myself.